Thoughts during marital relations

[houston1]

I have a question that has been troubling me for some time. I am a married women and have a question concerning the morality of sexual thoughts during marital relations with your husband. As we wives know, it is much more difficult for a women to become aroused during sexual relations which leads me to my question. What are we, wives, morally permitted to contemplate during the marital act for the purpose of arousal? At what point does a sexual thought become impure?

I hope this isn’t TMI. I am honestly seeking the truth and I do not want to ever engage in impure thoughts.

 

[kage_ar]

When you bring another person into your thoughts, you are crossing the line to lust.

Think about your husband

 

[houston1]

When you bring another person into your thoughts, you are crossing the line to lust.

Think about your husband

Thanks for the response. I can certainly see that bringing another person into it is bad. However, can you think of hypothetical situations with your husband and/or can you think about arbitrary sexual thoughts only concerning the sex organs?

 

[chaunceygardner]

Thanks for the response. I can certainly see that bringing another person into it is bad. However, can you think of hypothetical situations with your husband and/or can you think about arbitrary sexual thoughts only concerning the sex organs?

Why not? Anticipation and imagination can add a lot to your marital relations. If you want to imagine making love on a beach under a palm tree on a moonlit night, go for it. If you want to put on a beach wrap, have a pina colada together, and listen to hawaiian music while you snuggle up, go for it. I hope there is no rule against imagination and fun when you are with your spouse. Love should not be mechanical; if it is, it isn’t truly love.

 

[houston1]

Why not? Anticipation and imagination can add a lot to your marital relations. If you want to imagine making love on a beach under a palm tree on a moonlit night, go for it. If you want to put on a beach wrap, have a pina colada together, and listen to hawaiian music while you snuggle up, go for it. I hope there is no rule against imagination and fun when you are with your spouse. Love should not be mechanical; if it is, it isn’t truly love.

Is there any information that the church written specifically on this? I appreciate everyone’s responses. Some of the hypothetical situations are not as “clean” as you mention. Are they still okay thoughts?

 

[shondrea]

My guess is if the thing you’re imagineing would be ok to act out, and in your heart you’re longing not just for the act to bring pleasure but to SHARE this act with your husband, I don’t see how it could be wrong.

I think imagineing doing things the church would never permit done in real life is what’s crossing the line. No dominatrix fantasies, I’m afraid

 

[houston1]

My guess is if the thing you’re imagineing would be ok to act out, and in your heart you’re longing not just for the act to bring pleasure but to SHARE this act with your husband, I don’t see how it could be wrong.

I think imagineing doing things the church would never permit done in real life is what’s crossing the line. No dominatrix fantasies, I’m afraid

Okay, that makes sense. Thanks for your comment.

 

[Loved_by_Mercy]

Might I suggest you read “Theology of the Body for Beginners” by Christopher West? If your thinking of your spouse as an object of pleasure then you’ve lusted after him. If however you, by the grace of God, see him as a person with immense dignity whom you love and to whom you want to give yourself, then you begin to plunge the depths of the dignity of the marital embrace, depths that are supposed to give us a foretaste of communion with God (keeping in mind union with God is not sexual). I’m not married nor sexually active, but I suspect if you learn to approach your union with this Divine light, you won’t need other fantasies.

 

[houston1]

Might I suggest you read “Theology of the Body for Beginners” by Christopher West? If your thinking of your spouse as an object of pleasure then you’ve lusted after him. If however you, by the grace of God, see him as a person with immense dignity whom you love and to whom you want to give yourself, then you begin to plunge the depths of the dignity of the marital embrace, depths that are supposed to give us a foretaste of communion with God (keeping in mind union with God is not sexual). I’m not married nor sexually active, but I suspect if you learn to approach your union with this Divine light, you won’t need other fantasies.

Thanks for the recommendation. I actually just started reading Gregory Popcak’s “Holy Sex” which may answer the same kinds of questions.

 

[puzzleannie]

I have a question that has been troubling me for some time. I am a married women and have a question concerning the morality of sexual thoughts during marital relations with your husband. .

I am trying to contemplate why thoughts of sex with your husband could by any stretch of the imagination at any time be considered in immoral, and particularly why these thoughts should not above all be active during lovemaking. What else would you think about? making a grocery list? or as lady Astor supposedly advised, think of England?

 

[onmyknees]

Houston1,

I am glad you posted this because I often have a difficult time becoming aroused without engaging in bad sexual thoughts. I think women become aroused with their minds so it is more difficult to stay away from lustful thoughts. I also don’t know whether S and M is against Church teaching because the catechism is not that specific. I wish they would be more clear. I worry a lot about these things. I never know whether I should go to confession for this because my priest said that bad thoughts during marital relations are venial sin. I did not want to give him details so I still don’t know if these things are mortal.

 

[kage_ar]

Houston1,

I am glad you posted this because I often have a difficult time becoming aroused without engaging in bad sexual thoughts. I think women become aroused with their minds so it is more difficult to stay away from lustful thoughts. I also don’t know whether S and M is against Church teaching because the catechism is not that specific. I wish they would be more clear. I worry a lot about these things. I never know whether I should go to confession for this because my priest said that bad thoughts during marital relations are venial sin. I did not want to give him details so I still don’t know if these things are mortal.

You would need to define “bad thoughts”.

Thoughts of making love with your husband are not bad thoughts, remembering a wonderful memory (maybe your wedding night or the night you conceived a child), imagining you are in a lovely hotel in Venice or on a boat in the middle of the ocean having wonderful sex with your husband - those are not bad thoughts.

If by bad thoughts you mean that you imagine bad things - being beat by your husband or beating him, something that is contrary to the dignity of the human person, then, those thoughts could very well be sinful.

We must remember that our desires for our spouses must be loving and must respect the dignity of ourselves and our spouse.

Think of it this way, would you tell Jesus what you are thinking about during sex? Remember, Jesus already knows!

 

[adamsapple]

Reading this thread, does any one deny that human sexuality is not a focus of the Catholic Church?
Do you really think that Jesus cares how you achieve an orgasm???

 

[kage_ar]

Reading this thread, does any one deny that human sexuality is not a focus of the Catholic Church?
Do you really think that Jesus cares how you achieve an orgasm???

Christ is King of every part of my life. Marriage is a sacrament, it is between me, my husband and God.

 

[onmyknees]

You would need to define “bad thoughts”.

Thoughts of making love with your husband are not bad thoughts, remembering a wonderful memory (maybe your wedding night or the night you conceived a child), imagining you are in a lovely hotel in Venice or on a boat in the middle of the ocean having wonderful sex with your husband - those are not bad thoughts.

If by bad thoughts you mean that you imagine bad things - being beat by your husband or beating him, something that is contrary to the dignity of the human person, then, those thoughts could very well be sinful.

We must remember that our desires for our spouses must be loving and must respect the dignity of ourselves and our spouse.

Think of it this way, would you tell Jesus what you are thinking about during sex? Remember, Jesus already knows!

Kage,

No, I would not tell Jesus some of the things that I am thinking. I imagine pretty bad things. I know Jesus already knows all my thoughts. I try to keep my imagination clean and I try to just think about my dh and I but this doesn’t usually work. Also is acting out S & M against the Churches teaching? So I need to go to confession?

 

[shondrea]

I’m afraid, my dear, that yes, S n’ M and related activities are condemned by the church because, even though the actitivies are done in 100% complete consent, it is seen as reducing the submissive to the level of an object and getting rid of the factor of human dignity.

I’m not sure how the emotional aspects of such relationships fit in, though. Meaning, I know many women who are naturally submissive, and gain emotional or even physical pleasure when their husband shows dominance in life, either in everyday life or in their personal life, without desiring the activities of BDSM.

 

[FiberZilla]

Reading this thread, does any one deny that human sexuality is not a focus of the Catholic Church?
Do you really think that Jesus cares how you achieve an orgasm???

1. God created us to be sexual beings. It is a very powerful aspect of our humanity. Celibacy has led the leaders of the Catholic Church to develop an overbearing obsession with sexuality for centuries. The sexual immorality and rampant scandal in the clergy is the direct result of supression of this natural part of being human.

It’s a lot like this:
A newborn baby is sustained by oxygen as she takes her first breaths of air. However if you take that exact same air continually let it build with no relief… say in a large truck tire . The result is an explosion so devastating as to kill anyone standing with close proximity.

1. Does Jesus care how we achieve orgasm? Yes he does. Fantasizing about the guy at work is clearly crossing the line. But Jesus is not obsessed with every single thought that may run through a woman’s mind as she enjoys the sexual experience.
   :twocents:

 

[kage_ar]

1. God created us to be sexual beings. It is a very powerful aspect of our humanity. Celibacy has led the leaders of the Catholic Church to develop an overbearing obsession with sexuality for centuries. The sexual immorality and rampant scandal in the clergy is the direct result of supression of this natural part of being human.

You might want to learn a couple of things:

1- Over 75% of molesters are MARRIED (here is one study, every other study available bears out the same facts).

childmolestationprevention.org/pages/study.html

2 - The percentage of celibate clergy who have fallen to this sinful behaviour is FAR BELOW that of the average population.

3 - Bashing Christ’s Church does not bode well for a Christian.

 

[FiberZilla]

You might want to learn a couple of things:

1- Over 75% of molesters are MARRIED (here is one study, every other study available bears out the same facts).

childmolestationprevention.org/pages/study.html

2 - The percentage of celibate clergy who have fallen to this sinful behaviour is FAR BELOW that of the average population.

3 - Bashing Christ’s Church does not bode well for a Christian.

1. 75% ??? That figure might be close enough that I wont argue with you on that. But that statistic is totally meaningless to the discussion of the effects of required celibacy.
2. I used to believe that.
3. Stating the obvious, that your church has a terrible illness is not “bashing”. It is a statement of fact. Furthermore, you are entitled to believe that Christ established the Roman Catholic Church, but I do not believe that. With good intent, your church was influenced more by Emperor Constantine than anyone else.
   But that is purely my opinion.

*** I also believe the media is currently doing a hatched job on your church. These incidents are decades old and the media is “piling on” to boost ratings.
:coffeeread:

 

[shondrea]

Maybe a statistic that would work better is the percentage of married or sexually active men who commit molestation and the percentage of celibate clergy who do so? I’m not good with statistics and figures and stuff, but from the logic it seems that yeah, more abuse ti done by sexually active men because most men ARE sexually active. But you need to look at each percentage independantly

.For example. X percent of married men have committed sexual crimes, whereas Y percent of celibate priests have done so.