Thoughts on Catholic and Atheist Relationship

[Ambition]

(Hope I posted this in the right category.)
I just wanted to gather opinions from anyone who is interested in answering: What is your opinion on a Catholic girl (myself) in serious romantic relationship with an atheist?
For context, I am very involved at my church and two of my closest friends are Catholic. I did a Catholic homeschooling program and know a good deal about Catholicism, I like to think. Boyfriend is friendly about it and enjoys reading and discussing Biblical passages and Catholic teaching, but does not believe in a God.
We mostly agree on politics and social issues.
What is your opinion on a relationship between two people who differ religiously in this way?

 

[1ke]

What is your opinion on a Catholic girl (myself) in serious romantic relationship with an atheist?

It is an extremely bad idea that I would avoid at all costs. It is heartbreak waiting to happen.

What is your opinion on a relationship between two people who differ religiously in this way?

That you will differ significantly in marriage and this will make raising Catholic children difficult.

My husband and I are both active, practicing Catholics who work together in the vineyard for Christ. I would not have it any other way.

 

[angel12]

I think it make for a very difficult marriage. I’ve seen people here say that marriage to a Protestant can be hard enough.

 

[Viki63]

I think a friendship is fine, but a serious romantic relationship, not so much. What is the most important thing in your life? Is it your friendship with Christ? What is the most important thing in your boyfriend’s life?
What is your long term goal for your life? What is your boyfriend’s goal?
What saint do you admire most? Who does your boyfriend admire and try to model himself on?
Life can be hard, and for a Christian, the grace and support of God are essential to make it. An atheist doesn’t have that support.
If you are serious in your relationship, perhaps he would attend RCIA with you, to understand your faith.

You know the story of Mark Twain, an atheist who was married to a Christian woman. When their child died, he advised her to lean on her faith, She said,“I can’t, you’ve destroyed it.”

 

[AdamP88]

What is your opinion on a relationship between two people who differ religiously in this way?

Not a good idea. Make life easier for yourself and marry a Catholic.

Marriage is already hard. No point making it harder.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

What is your opinion on a Catholic girl (myself) in serious romantic relationship with an atheist?

I’m a nonbeliever married to a Catholic woman. It can work but there things to be mindful of. Will it be important to you that he attend church somewhat regularly with you? What about the numerous days of obligation besides Christmas and Easter?

Things like a statue of Mary and such are not issues at all. What might get weird is if you have children. He might be fine with you raising them Catholic, but as they become teens, if they express a desire to stop practicing I doubt you’ll find much support for your position.

Boyfriend is friendly about it and enjoys reading and discussing Biblical passages and Catholic teaching, but does not believe in a God.

We mostly agree on politics and social issues.

What is your opinion on a relationship between two people who differ religiously in this way?

Regardless of what any of us say, please understand that this is your relationship and your life. The advice of others are just a few out of many things to consider.

Do you live him? Does he love you? Can both of you respect each other’s opinion? Can you two agree upon the major points of how to raise potential children?

 

[tweedlealice]

Sweet Ambition,
As a Mother, I am dealing w my youngest daughter and Atheism. Her husband was killed in Iraq. There’s NO GOD. God would have saved him… Then, after ten years, she meets a fella, who is a wounded warrior paralyzed, in a
wh ch. He is an Atheist. He was that way before his injury. THERE SOULS ARE IN JEOPARDY!
I pray. I send some new science. Rarely! They act like they have arrived at their know it all knowledge.
Now, there are two things that could be.
1- you tell him, you are not compatible w Atheism. You walk away and pray for him. Tell him to call if he finds God, who is NOT LOST!
2-He agrees to go with you to RCIA. He’ll walk w you through this journey to find God, through faith and science. Read books together, etc.
It may be God’s plan that you are his angel to bring him to Salvation.

BUT=NO WAY DO YOU STAY W HIM AS AN ATHEIST. If after all the studying and prayer, he stays an atheist, you leave.

So, pray. Ask God what He wants of you. Have members of your church pray over you for a covering of grace. You will be in Spiritual warfare

In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice

 

[Reuben_J]

Not the best, but then the world is not perfect.

If you see that this relationship is going to some conclusion, perhaps you can try to find out his position on someone with religion. This is very important.

I have seen, not one but a few of our devoted/committed Catholic girls, who after being married to atheist/non-Catholic husbands, being prevented (by the husbands) from practicing her Catholic faith.

 

[teddy1]

It doesn’t seem like that big a deal. The last couple girls that I have dated we didn’t talk about our religion… Come to think of it we didn’t really talk about our political beliefs either. It’s better just to love each other, don’t worry about the yentas.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

BUT=NO WAY DO YOU STAY W HIM AS AN ATHEIST. If after all the studying and prayer, he stays an atheist, you leave.

Shouldn’t she decide whether or not this is a deal breaker? Keep in mind that the levels of religiosity on CAF do not match the world most of us live in.

 

[tweedlealice]

Blessings
I implied, she makes the decision w plan 1or2,as possible journeys to take. I don’t think ppl asking advice will automatically take advice. They consider what we say, & do what they want. As a Mom w an Atheist daughter, which rips your heart apart, I firmly, wanted to encourage her to leave, if she tried all things to love him to Christ. Another note stated, when children come-things get sad.
She has things to think and pray about
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice

 

[Paul71]

What is your opinion on a relationship between two people who differ religiously in this way?

If all you intend is to be friends, then there may not be any problem. If you are dating or courting, and considering marriage as a possibility, then I think that is probably a bad idea. Mixed marriages can work, but they are difficult. Even a marriage between two people who agree on religion can be difficult and stressful at times, especially once children come along. If you add a huge difference in religion into the marriage, it becomes even more difficult.

Here are some things that I think you would need to seriously think about, if you date this man, with the idea of marriage as a possibility in the future:

• Does he share the Catholic view on the indissolubility of marriage? Or will he possibly give up if marriage becomes too difficult?
• If you marry and have children, would he consent to raising those children in the Catholic faith?
• Even if he does consent to raise them Catholic, will he subtly undermine what you are teaching them?
• Will he support you in the basic values that you want to instill in your children, even beyond specific Catholic doctrinal teachings?
• Are you OK with having the sole responsibility for taking the kids to church, instructing them in the faith, etc.?
• Will you both agree on how to educate your children (public school, Catholic school, other private school, homeschool, etc.)?
• If you marry, will he agree not to use contraception, and to be open to life? Will he still agree once you have two children, or three, or four, or perhaps more? Will he continue to support you in being open to life, or will he lead you astray at a time when you are feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable?
• If it is necessary or prudent to use Natural Family Planning to postpone/avoid pregnancy for a time, will he accept the periodic abstinence that is required?
• If you marry, will you have enough support in living out your faith, if your husband does not share that faith?
• If you marry, and if money is tight, will you argue over whether to support your local parish financially, and to what extent?

I am sure that more questions could be added to this list. But these questions illustrate some very real potential sources of conflict in a Catholic/atheist marriage. These potential sources of conflict might seem distant now, but they are questions that you would have to deal with sooner or later if you marry this man. I believe it is much better to give these questions some serious reflection now, rather waiting until later.

 

[Ambition]

Thank you to everyone who has replied so far!

I feel as if I should answer some questions and add a bit of detail.

**-**He doesn’t like birth control, albeit for more scientific reasons than moral ones. He wouldn’t want me to go on birth control pills, doesn’t like condoms, and while he wouldn’t disapprove of me having an IUD or something like that, he’d never want me to get one if I didn’t want to. He also would not sexually pressure me and is very patient and caring in this area. So I don’t think that would be much of a problem. We both agree that NFP, using an app like Natural Cycles, for example, is what we would do.

**-**When it comes to parenting style and basic values, we agree. However, we have not talked about raising kids Catholic (we’ve talked them learning about Catholicism, but not the nitty-gritty of sacraments). This would probably be a dealbreaker for me (if he refused). But we haven’t gotten that deep into that topic yet. We have been together for five months (been friends for seven-eight) and we’re both under 25, so it just feels weird to talk that deeply about having children and things like that at the moment. I’m sure we’ll get to it, though, and I’ll see.

**-**He does seem open to attending church with me, and bringing a kid to church. While he doesn’t believe, he certainly does appreciate Catholicism on a more superficial level, like Bible quotes, church architecture, choir music, etc.

**-**He is open to the whole mixed marriage, receiving a dispensation from the bishop situation.

**-**He believes you should only get married one time, be purely monogamous, and put time and effort into your marriage. He thinks a lot of people divorce over silly things. Like me, he believes divorce is really only acceptable in an abusive situation and maybe in other strange, marginal cases.

**-**I don’t think he would convert. Of course I want him to, and of course I’m not ruling it out, but realistically, I must say that it is quite unlikely. He was raised religiously but in a toxic sort of way that really turned him off to it, and he admires many atheist physicists and philosophers and consumes their materials regularly.

**-**He would not prevent me from practicing Catholicism. I practice it now and spend a lot of time at my church and he is nothing but encouraging. If he were to stop being this way and not respect my choices, that is a dealbreaker. But he has a lot of what I’m looking for in a guy. He’s been one of, if not my closest friend, has helped me with my severe anxiety and depression, been supportive, smart, kind, classy, funny, having a lot of similar interests and opinions to me-- the only major issue is religion.
Sorry for the essay. Just thought I’d add more details.

I am open to advice/thoughts from anyone. Thanks in advance.

 

[Paul71]

I feel as if I should answer some questions and add a bit of detail.

It sounds like he is giving pretty good answers to many questions at this point, and I have no doubt that he means it. But when push comes to shove, and you face a difficult time in your marriage, will he still stick to what he says now? For example, will he still support the idea of not using contraception if you already have three or four children, and if you find that NFP doesn’t leave you with very many “safe” days for one reason or another?

he admires many atheist physicists and philosophers and consumes their materials regularly.

If you get married and have children, will he continue reading these atheist writers? If so, is he going to keep what he reads to himself? Or is he going to begin sharing this information with your children when they reach a certain age? What affect will that have on your childrens’ faith, to see that their father does not believe?

He’s been one of, if not my closest friend

Perhaps keeping things on the friend level is best?

I don’t know you or your friend, so take my advice with a grain of salt. And my questions above are just meant to be rhetorical.

I’m just encouraging you not to look at things with rose-colored glasses. It may seem that on many of these questions you are 90% on the same page already. But that 10% of disagreement, which seems insignificant now, could seem like a very big deal later, especially once children enter the picture.

 

[tweedlealice]

Sweetness,
Sounds good! Discuss kids being raised Catholic. There have been husbands not catholic, who raised the kids Catholic. What do you have to give up in this relationship? Your quiet witness may show him the Love of God.
Make a check list if things you should cover and go over it. How does he feel about nursing homes for parents or caring in home?
How do your parents feel? He’s almost too good to be true. I wish you well. How do you deal w the thought that his soul is lost? It’s a gamble to believe he’ll come around in time. He can’t be bullied.
An IUD is like an abortion. The baby is conceived in the Fallopian tube. The IUD is in the uterus. So the morula/earliest form of embryo gets to uterus and can’t implant. It’s aborted.
NFP is better now. They have machines that fine tune confirming ovulation. Easier.
Anyway, it is said, that the fossil timeline can prove Darwin was wrong. They have a fossil of a fish that lives today in the DEEP ocean. If everything changed from one form to a different one, we can’t have a continuation of a same species. Everything should have changed.
Google Fossil proof of God(?). You know, if he’d allow you to keep trying to convert him and not tire, that would be fun. It’s if they close you off that is horrible. If he realizes your concern for his soul and your love for him compels you to try…
Be careful your faith is strong. When science becomes a god, it detracts from God for some.
My soul doth magnify the Lord, and my spirit doth rejoice in God my Savior. My field was science. All I could see is God.
May your love of God be a communicable disease that infects all around you. We are the salt of the earth. We are the light that shines.
Let all see Jesus in us.
In Jesus name
Tweedlealice

 

[jjtc]

Something to think about. In the year 2000 a Swiss study was released showing the importance of a Fathers faith on that of his children; showing it is much more important than a Moms faith. The link provided below gives some of the details and you can google more if you’d like. One quote from that link

If the father is non-practicing and mother regular, only 2 percent of children will become regular worshippers, and 37 percent will attend irregularly. Over 60 percent of their children will be lost completely to the church!

Fathers: Key to Their Children's Faith | Opinion News

God Bless You!!

 

[Russell_SA]

What is your opinion on a Catholic girl (myself) in serious romantic relationship with an atheist?

As long as your political agenda aligns, you should be fine. Politics is how we see ourselves wanting to go about changing the world around us that affects others around us. So it’s hard to have a relationship with someone who is opposing how you want to change the world. You can be religious and irreligious as long as the end goal is the same. The path each of you choose is not as important because remember, you are two separate people on two completely different journeys and you just want someone to talk to along the way. For example, my two close friends are married with two kids. One is a mexican military atheist and the other is a southern bell racist barefoot and pregnant house wife. They get a long just fine since they have the same political agenda and he’s fine attending church with her. I’ve been attending my local church for three years now to sing in the choir just for the music practice and no one knows I’m an atheist. I don’t prefer to date anyone here because one of my rules for dating is that she must stand up for me and my views even if I am not there. So if the preacher, pastor, church member waits till I leave and the turn to her and say, “He’s an atheist?!”, She better have fire in her eyes and say, “Yes is this going to be a problem?” You’d better have the courage to stand up to bigotry for your partner where ever it pops up, even if it’s your own parents, preacher, or peers. I don’t find many have that ability. Remember though, the term atheist is just a single position on a single question. It has nothing to say about that person’s political view, world view, dogma, tenants, leadership, etc. You can find an atheist as kind as Ellen DeGeneres or as irritating as Bill Maher. You can also be culturally religious and still an atheist as well. Just talk to each other and find out. Most people let other people’s opinion’s get in the way of great relationships and that’s on you to figure out when to stand up to those people or not.

 

[Viki63]

I could be wrong, but it seems to me that your boyfriend is kind, considerate, and thoughtful since he was raised in a Christian household, even though as you say it was toxic. Some of the teachings of Christ must have rubbed off on him. He is like what we see in many countries that are no longer Christian; the virtues continue for a couple of generations, but sadly without real faith to undergird them, they cease to be practiced.

Why should a man who doesn’t believe in God, in an afterlife, or in eternal consequences for his actions, pay any attention to ethics or morals?

And how can someone not believe in God? IMO that argues someone with a naive faith in atheism, because clearly there are innumerable reasons to believe in a creator. I would not marry someone that close-minded.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Why should a man who doesn’t believe in God, in an afterlife, or in eternal consequences for his actions, pay any attention to ethics or morals?

This is and always will be a rather odd but common line of thinking amoung believers. It presupposes whether one will be caught and punished as the prime driver for ethics.
If the OP hasn’t already, I suggest carefully broaching this topic. IMO this centers around trust, which without a relationship is doomed.

And how can someone not believe in God? IMO that argues someone with a naive faith in atheism,

“Faith in atheism”? That’s rather odd to say the least.

 

[Viki63]

C.S.Lewis talks about the difficulty he had maintaining his atheism-- he often had doubts about it that were just as strong as his occasional doubts about Christianity after converting. Atheism assumes that we can know that God does not exist. But it’s impossible to prove the non-existence of something.

I can tell you there are no spiders in this room, but I can’t prove it. I remain agnostic about the spiders, because there’s no way to know for sure. I can see being agnostic about God (I was myself once) but not atheist.