Thoughts on friends living in a sinful lifestyle and silence?

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ellam25

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Hi everyone, yesterday I helped my friend of 13 years move out of her boyfriend’s apartment. As I was doing it I was comforting her because she was crying and she was saying things like “I will miss the sex so much” (she was also going on about how much she loves him, but this part struck me particularly.) I ddin’t say anything because I don’t know how to respond to things like this. I view it as being wrong from where I am in life now (I lived with my now husband before we were married or Catholic) so because of this I almost feel like a hypocrite. After we moved her stuff, she talked about wanting to get drunk, smoke weed, among other things that i don’t really agree with. She is a very dear friend, but I find myself not really approving of many of her choices. I guess I’m wondering if it’s wrong to hang aorund someone like this and especially if you don’t say anything? I was warned by my dad not to let her lifestyle rub off on me, which I am not really too worried about since I am married and have a baby on the way which is a different place than where she is in life. I do know if iwere to say something (“I don’t think you should live with your boyfriend because it’s wrong”) she would laugh at me and call me a hypocrite.
 
ellam25 said:
Hi everyone, yesterday I helped my friend of 13 years move out of her boyfriend’s apartment. As I was doing it I was comforting her because she was crying and she was saying things like “I will miss the sex so much” (she was also going on about how much she loves him, but this part struck me particularly.) I ddin’t say anything because I don’t know how to respond to things like this. I view it as being wrong from where I am in life now (I lived with my now husband before we were married or Catholic) so because of this I almost feel like a hypocrite. After we moved her stuff, she talked about wanting to get drunk, smoke weed, among other things that i don’t really agree with. She is a very dear friend, but I find myself not really approving of many of her choices. I guess I’m wondering if it’s wrong to hang aorund someone like this and especially if you don’t say anything? I was warned by my dad not to let her lifestyle rub off on me, which I am not really too worried about since I am married and have a baby on the way which is a different place than where she is in life. I do know if iwere to say something (“I don’t think you should live with your boyfriend because it’s wrong”) she would laugh at me and call me a hypocrite.
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There really isn’t much you can say to her right now because she is so emotionally broken up. But you can be there for her and be understanding and kind. She will be very lonely for a while so you can help by being a friend.

She might also lash out at you from time to time because she is miserable. Just be kind and understanding. And ask God to guide you when it is time for you to help her see things differently. For now just be there.
 
You don’t have to tell her not to do it because it’s wrong. As fred conty said, you definitely don’t want to push it now, just be her friend. However in the future you could just talk about yourself and say things like “I regret that I did X, because it really caused problems later for me.” Or whatever is the case. Try to keep it positive while being truthful that living a good moral life actually is beneficial now. You seem to have some experience of both sides, use that experience to point out which way of living is better.
 
If she is your friend you will want to tell her the truth with kindness. I would say something like “doing drugs is not the best thing to do right now especially in your situation.” Don’t feel like a hypocrite when talking about sins that you may have commited in the past but no longer do. Imagine St.Paul who persecuted Christians never speaking against the people persecuting Christianity after his conversion. And as the previous poster said be there for her as well but don’t participate in sin.
 
ellam25 said:
Hi everyone, yesterday I helped my friend of 13 years move out of her boyfriend’s apartment. As I was doing it I was comforting her because she was crying and she was saying things like “I will miss the sex so much” (she was also going on about how much she loves him, but this part struck me particularly.) I ddin’t say anything because I don’t know how to respond to things like this. I view it as being wrong from where I am in life now (I lived with my now husband before we were married or Catholic) so because of this I almost feel like a hypocrite. After we moved her stuff, she talked about wanting to get drunk, smoke weed, among other things that i don’t really agree with. She is a very dear friend, but I find myself not really approving of many of her choices. I guess I’m wondering if it’s wrong to hang aorund someone like this and especially if you don’t say anything? I was warned by my dad not to let her lifestyle rub off on me, which I am not really too worried about since I am married and have a baby on the way which is a different place than where she is in life. I do know if iwere to say something (“I don’t think you should live with your boyfriend because it’s wrong”) she would laugh at me and call me a hypocrite.
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I’m sure you recall Jesus hung out with sinners all His life. In fact, He gave His life so that we sinners will be saved. Fortunately, God does not call every one of us to die for Him but we can choose to live for Him. We give part of our lives to care for His people; this is just as important as dying like our Christian brothers and sisters in other parts of the world.

Continue to be a good friend to her is my suggestion. Show her, by your life and actions, God can save her and give her a better life than she could ever craft for herself. Words sometimes get in the way of our evangelization; better to act as Jesus wants us to act.

God Bless you and your family. 👍
 
ellam25 said:
Hi everyone, yesterday I helped my friend of 13 years move out of her boyfriend’s apartment. As I was doing it I was comforting her because she was crying and she was saying things like “I will miss the sex so much” (she was also going on about how much she loves him, but this part struck me particularly.) I ddin’t say anything because I don’t know how to respond to things like this. I view it as being wrong from where I am in life now (I lived with my now husband before we were married or Catholic) so because of this I almost feel like a hypocrite. After we moved her stuff, she talked about wanting to get drunk, smoke weed, among other things that i don’t really agree with. She is a very dear friend, but I find myself not really approving of many of her choices. I guess I’m wondering if it’s wrong to hang aorund someone like this and especially if you don’t say anything? I was warned by my dad not to let her lifestyle rub off on me, which I am not really too worried about since I am married and have a baby on the way which is a different place than where she is in life. I do know if iwere to say something (“I don’t think you should live with your boyfriend because it’s wrong”) she would laugh at me and call me a hypocrite.
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I don’t know the answer. I was just wondering how common is this (getting drunk, smoking weed, premarital sex) for Roman Catholics? If it is not that common you might be able to introduce her to some Catholic friends about her age who take their religion seriously.
 
Interesting you post this thread because I have been thinking about a 47 year old friend of mine with a 10-11 year old daughter who just moved another man into her house. She has had 2 husbands and 2 live in boyfriends. Her other daughter who is now 18 was a habitual runaway from the age of 13. The state took custody of her and she ran away from them twice. She never got through her freshman year of high school and does not have a GED. I am worried about this new boyfriend. He is really big and from Puerto Rico. I don’t know why women kick their husbands out and bring in boyfriends when they have young children at home. I am concerned for this daughter now.
I am afraid if I say anything it will be the end of our friendship.
 
7_Sorrows said:
Interesting you post this thread because I have been thinking about a 47 year old friend of mine with a 10-11 year old daughter who just moved another man into her house. She has had 2 husbands and 2 live in boyfriends. Her other daughter who is now 18 was a habitual runaway from the age of 13. The state took custody of her and she ran away from them twice. She never got through her freshman year of high school and does not have a GED. I am worried about this new boyfriend. He is really big and from Puerto Rico. I don’t know why women kick their husbands out and bring in boyfriends when they have young children at home. I am concerned for this daughter now.
I am afraid if I say anything it will be the end of our friendship.
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How good a friend do you consider yourself to her? Do you think your friendship with her is deep enough she will value and act on your concerns? :confused:
 
808Catholic said:
How good a friend do you consider yourself to her? Do you think your friendship with her is deep enough she will value and act on your concerns? :confused:
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She can be very stubborn and might think I need to mind my own business. But I was the one she involved with all the drama of the other daughter and that went on for 4 years. it reallly upset me to the point I was almost sick because she lives in a big city of seversl million and the thoughts of a 13-14 year old out on the streets just brought up all terrible scenarios. I don’t want the samw thing to happen to this daughter and I am anngry at my friend for putting another daughter “at risk”.
 
7_Sorrows said:
She can be very stubborn and might think I need to mind my own business. But I was the one she involved with all the drama of the other daughter and that went on for 4 years. it reallly upset me to the point I was almost sick because she lives in a big city of seversl million and the thoughts of a 13-14 year old out on the streets just brought up all terrible scenarios. I don’t want the samw thing to happen to this daughter and I am anngry at my friend for putting another daughter “at risk”.
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Whatever influence you have with her may be at risk if you push her over the edge of friendship. Sounds like your friend would make a wonderful Catholic (like me): full of sin and sometimes too stubborn to let go! Our Church is filled every Sunday with sinners like me but somehow God still comes down and presents Himself in the species of bread and wine. And He invites us (in the state of good grace) to join with Him via the Eucharist!

It’s through the sacraments God provides us grace and hope that we will be counted worthy one day and commissions us to bring this hope to others who are in need of God’s love.

Like your friend.

Continue to pray for her and her children and the newest “man” in her life that they may be brought to the glory of God through your friendship.

God Bless you! 👍
 
808Catholic said:
Whatever influence you have with her may be at risk if you push her over the edge of friendship. Sounds like your friend would make a wonderful Catholic (like me): full of sin and sometimes too stubborn to let go! Our Church is filled every Sunday with sinners like me but somehow God still comes down and presents Himself in the species of bread and wine. And He invites us (in the state of good grace) to join with Him via the Eucharist!

It’s through the sacraments God provides us grace and hope that we will be counted worthy one day and commissions us to bring this hope to others who are in need of God’s love.

Like your friend.

Continue to pray for her and her children and the newest “man” in her life that they may be brought to the glory of God through your friendship.

God Bless you! 👍
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Thank you for your kind words. She actually is a lapsed Catholic.
She is too stubborn or proud I think to go to confession and I know I am not supposed to judge but she briefly attended Mass a few years ago when her husband she had divorced moved back in. He is the father of the daughter I am concerned about. Needless to say she shouldn’t have been receiving the Eucharist. I didn’t say anything because she was Catholic from birth where I am a convert. But attending Mass did not last long. And then she kicked him out. Very complicated. I just am not sure how much I want to invest in this friendship anymore because she is 47 now and continues to mske bad decisions.
 
7_Sorrows said:
Thank you for your kind words. She actually is a lapsed Catholic.
She is too stubborn or proud I think to go to confession and I know I am not supposed to judge but she briefly attended Mass a few years ago when her husband she had divorced moved back in. He is the father of the daughter I am concerned about. Needless to say she shouldn’t have been receiving the Eucharist. I didn’t say anything because she was Catholic from birth where I am a convert. But attending Mass did not last long. And then she kicked him out. Very complicated. I just am not sure how much I want to invest in this friendship anymore because she is 47 now and continues to mske bad decisions.
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I KNEW she’d make a good Catholic! Where she is on her faith journey sounds very similar to where I was in mine a handful of years ago; my “dark ages” when God called me back and I found enough strength to hold on to the Holy Spirit.

Interesting to note, I’ve heard a well respected and knowledgeable Catholic leader voice something along the lines that we should let our sins get in the way of our communion with Christ. In joining with Christ, He can wash away our sins as well. Not sure if that’s an accepted Church teaching or practice but it’s theologically sound. No one can remain unholy if God sanctifies you Himself!

WRT your “investment” into your friendship, I’m not going to preach to you on that. We all have choices to make. When I’m faced with a particularly hard one, one that involves personal self sacrifice, I ask myself if that’s how Christ made His decision in the Garden of Gethsemane. Usually, I find that this line of thought leads me to where God wants me to be even though I may be very uncomfortable for a while (again, I think of Christ on the cross and how “uncomfortable” He felt!). In the end, it all works out. God gives my grace and strength for my trials. Sometimes I gain wisdom and understand a bit more of His plan for me.

Trust in God! You can’t go wrong. God Bless you. 👍
 
You said there’s a daughter who’s being affected by this. I say tell her in gentleness and love that her actions are affecting her daughter.

She may well have nothing more to do with you, but someone has to tell her. I had a friend who was telling me all about his health problems–while he lived a life that I believe is killing his soul. I did finally tell him that I think he’s harming himself, and he’s upset. But he read the words, it’s at least on his mind, and he can decide further what to do about it.
 
Thanks for your advice 808Catholic and holyrood. I hope I haven’t detracted fron the OP’s original post. It just struck me as I remembered my friend. I will bow out of the thread now. Thanks again.
 
7_Sorrows said:
Thanks for your advice 808Catholic and holyrood. I hope I haven’t detracted fron the OP’s original post. It just struck me as I remembered my friend. I will bow out of the thread now. Thanks again.
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The Lord be with you! 👍
 
Back to the OP,

First, when she says things like ‘I will miss the sex’, there is a way to evangelize without mentioning religion. Something all the lines of ‘Why would you enjoy sex with someone who doesn’t love you’. And point out to her she deserves to be treated with respect.

Then after a while you may want to say something like, ‘I realize in my past I made many mistakes, I joined the Catholic church and I see things differently’ Be the first to admit you know you appear hypocritical and then tell her premarital sex is wrong. It will go off better if you tell her you know how this appears to her.

One more point, if you have a baby on the way, you owe it to your child to set a good example and either insist this friend behave appropriately, or limit your child’s exposure to her.

Angie
 
ellam25 said:
Hi everyone, yesterday I helped my friend of 13 years move out of her boyfriend’s apartment. As I was doing it I was comforting her because she was crying and she was saying things like “I will miss the sex so much” (she was also going on about how much she loves him, but this part struck me particularly.) I ddin’t say anything because I don’t know how to respond to things like this. I view it as being wrong from where I am in life now (I lived with my now husband before we were married or Catholic) so because of this I almost feel like a hypocrite. After we moved her stuff, she talked about wanting to get drunk, smoke weed, among other things that i don’t really agree with. She is a very dear friend, but I find myself not really approving of many of her choices. I guess I’m wondering if it’s wrong to hang aorund someone like this and especially if you don’t say anything? I was warned by my dad not to let her lifestyle rub off on me, which I am not really too worried about since I am married and have a baby on the way which is a different place than where she is in life. I do know if iwere to say something (“I don’t think you should live with your boyfriend because it’s wrong”) she would laugh at me and call me a hypocrite.
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Is she Catholic? If not, maybe do not say anything. She is probably just very depressed. I think I would just let her do her own anything. Honestly you are in a very real and difficult situation, what do you say when a friend is living sinfully? Some people may say mind your own business, do not worry, the way she lives is between herself and God. Other may say you should say something. I honestly I wish I had the answers. I have many times felt similar to you. I guess you can pray about her, then maybe not be around her so often.
 
808Catholic said:
I KNEW she’d make a good Catholic! Where she is on her faith journey sounds very similar to where I was in mine a handful of years ago; my “dark ages” when God called me back and I found enough strength to hold on to the Holy Spirit.

Interesting to note, I’ve heard a well respected and knowledgeable Catholic leader voice something along the lines that we should let our sins get in the way of our communion with Christ. In joining with Christ, He can wash away our sins as well. Not sure if that’s an accepted Church teaching or practice but it’s theologically sound. No one can remain unholy if God sanctifies you Himself!

WRT your “investment” into your friendship, I’m not going to preach to you on that. We all have choices to make. When I’m faced with a particularly hard one, one that involves personal self sacrifice, I ask myself if that’s how Christ made His decision in the Garden of Gethsemane. Usually, I find that this line of thought leads me to where God wants me to be even though I may be very uncomfortable for a while (again, I think of Christ on the cross and how “uncomfortable” He felt!). In the end, it all works out. God gives my grace and strength for my trials. Sometimes I gain wisdom and understand a bit more of His plan for me.

Trust in God! You can’t go wrong. God Bless you. 👍
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You have more faith that many. God Bless Your Soul.
 
7_Sorrows said:
Interesting you post this thread because I have been thinking about a 47 year old friend of mine with a 10-11 year old daughter who just moved another man into her house. She has had 2 husbands and 2 live in boyfriends. Her other daughter who is now 18 was a habitual runaway from the age of 13. The state took custody of her and she ran away from them twice. She never got through her freshman year of high school and does not have a GED. I am worried about this new boyfriend. He is really big and from Puerto Rico. I don’t know why women kick their husbands out and bring in boyfriends when they have young children at home. I am concerned for this daughter now.
I am afraid if I say anything it will be the end of our friendship.
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This the best I can do. Remind the woman of her daughters. I assume mother have a soft spot for the well-being of their daughters. Pray the rosary for her. I am very sorry. It can be difficult to be friends with people who do not seem to care about anything but pursuing their own pleasure. How did she get this way and most importantly, why? I am not saying analyze her, but there is always a reason people continually find themselves in bad situations like this one. Maybe suggest you attend mass together. If the situation is emotionally draining, maybe talk to her only when necessary.
 
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