Thoughts on hyphenating last names

[TMFLM]

Hey Everyone!
I’m looking for some advice.
I told my fiance that I want to hyphenate my last name. I explained that because my father doesn’t have sons, I’d rather hyphenate my name and be able to carry on both my father’s name and my future husband’s name. He told me that I needed to take his name fully. I tried arguing my side but he said I “need to obey” him and that he’s “putting his foot down” on this subject. I understand the concept of being a united front but this means a lot to me and I don’t see how this is at all his decision to make. I’m more than willing to be referred to as Mrs (his last name), but on documents and in my career as a doctor, I’d like to carry on my name. Am I being unreasonable? Should I capitulate? Or should I keep fighting my case? What’s everyone else’s thoughts on choosing a last name after marriage?

 

[JulianN]

oth my father’s name and my future husband’s name. He told me that I needed to take his name fully. I tried arguing my side but he said I “need to obey” him and that he’s “putting his foot down” on this subject.

If this is legit, you have far bigger issues than which name to take. Please make sure to get extensive premarital counseling.

 

[Lou2U]

I agree with you. It’s not his decision to make, and it makes no difference to being a ‘united front’. If you want to keep your surname to carry it forward, would you also like your (potential) children to have both surnames? If so, that is definitely something to make clear now, not later.

@JulianN is completely right, you and your fiance have much bigger problems than what surname you wish you have after you’re married.

You and your fiance definitely should go to a counselor and discuss this together. I recommend also setting up an appointment with your Priest together to discuss your fiance’s views on ‘obedience’. And please don’t get married until everything has been resolved. This is about so much more than your surname.

 

[1ke]

He told me that I needed to take his name fully.

That is the traditional construct in the west. That is not how it works in many other cultures.

Here in the west, hyphenated names and women keeping their own name have become more common.

I tried arguing my side but he said I “need to obey” him and that he’s “putting his foot down” on this subject.

I’d return the ring and tell him to have a nice life.

This is a SERIOUS red flag you should NOT ignore.

this means a lot to me

Find a man who is on the same page as you

and I don’t see how this is at all his decision to make.

It’s not. Tell this guy to take a hike.
M

Am I being unreasonable? Should I capitulate? Or should I keep fighting my case?

You are being naive if you think this is the last time he is going to show his backside.

I wouldn’t “fight my case”, I’d thank my lucky stars I figured out before marrying him what his true colors were.

What’s everyone else’s thoughts on choosing a last name after marriage?

It’s up to you.

 

[ahs]

He told me that I needed to take his name fully. I tried arguing my side but he said I “need to obey” him and that he’s “putting his foot down”

Tell him “good luck finding a slave you want to pretend is a wife; I’m actually looking for a husband, not an owner.” Then walk away and be greatful that you saw this prior to Marrying him.

 

[blackforest]

I tried arguing my side but he said I “need to obey” him and that he’s “putting his foot down” on this subject.

Yea, I’d be handing the ring back to him. Sorry.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

If you two are engaged and can’t even agree on this issue without it turning into some big control “need to obey” thing, I agree there’s a problem here that goes way beyond what name you take after marriage. This really should have been discussed and understood way before any engagement took place.

I would suggest taking a second look at getting married to a man whose response to conflict is to tell you that you “need to obey” him, unless you want to spend the next several decades of your life being told to “obey” him over all kinds of stuff. Mature adults don’t go around demanding obedience from their spouses.

I kept my last name after marriage. I had planned to do so since I was very young, my husband was aware of this years before we got engaged, and he had no problem with it. Neither of us liked “hyphenated” last names so we didn’t even consider that option. Again we knew this and were in agreement way before the actual engagement.

 

[heidi_storage]

First of all, I think you should obey your husband. I think we’re called to do so, unless he asks you to do something sinful. (Let the flaming begin!) And even putting aside wifely submission, an issue like the wife’s last name is not just the OP’s business–when you get married, lots of things that were your business become his.

However, this man isn’t your husband. If you’re experiencing this kind of conflict and unhappiness before you’re married, I’m going to join other posters in suggesting you reconsider your engagement.

What happens when you guys have a serious disagreement over kids? Finances? How to handle relatives?

When you’re married, you will experience many stressors. You need to be able to consider yourself on the same team, pulling together. And you need to be able to resolve disagreements without lingering resentment. If you are determined to marry, I hope you will work seriously on this skill.

Finally: Do not marry anyone hoping he will change.

 

[Mrchatsworth]

I think he is being controlling. I think also your thoughts about sons and your dads last name are foolish and odd as well. That being said, I wouldn’t demand someone take my last name, but then again I wouldn’t be likely to date them long enough to marry if they were against my last name or a hyphen type of person.

 

[1ke]

You were having some issues with this guy 8 months ago with your last post.

Perhaps now we know why he had an ex-fiancee when the OP met him.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I think he is being controlling. I think also your thoughts about sons and your dads last name are foolish and odd as well.

I had the same thought.

I’m looking for some advice

Both of you are being unreasonable. Your fiancé has said something that could indicate he has a vast reserve of immaturity to work thru. And I don’t think that you have thought thru your decision to hyphenate.

Another thing to consider - you are getting married to another man, you are not marrying your father. That probably sounds condescending, but this whole idea of paying tribute to your sonless father may be honorable, but it’s misplaced.

What does your father think of this conflict?

 

[JS_Cortez]

First of all, I think you should obey your husband. I think we’re called to do so, unless he asks you to do something sinful. (Let the flaming begin!) And even putting aside wifely submission, an issue like the wife’s last name is not just the OP’s business–when you get married, lots of things that were your business become his.

True, wives are to submit to their husband’s. However, whatever always seems to get lost in that command is that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves His Church. Christ, who though in the form of G-d did not deem equality with G-d something to be grasped so He took the form of slave and came in the likeness of man. The likeness of His Bride.

A wife isn’t supposed to be obeying a slave-driver or a control freak who treats her like property.

OP, this man isn’t ready for marriage. If he ever will be is uncertain. But, like the others on this forum, I think you need to back away from him.And then maybe work on yourself to see why you’re attracted to a man with so many red flags.

(Personally, I’ve always thought that women shouldn’t change their surnames and I thought girls should get the mother’s surname and that boys should get the father’s. This may be the genealogist I tried to be as kid talking, though)

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It did not arise in my household either, nor did I expect husband to “obey” me. Spouses are partners, it’s not a case of one gives the orders and the other says “Yes Master” and does it. I don’t think this is a particularly new concept either; I remember reading Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books as a child and she was a Protestant (Congregationalist, if I remember right) and when she gets married, she and her husband agree that they don’t want the word “obey” in the marriage vows and make arrangements with the Reverend to take the word out. It is not part of the standard Catholic wedding vows either.

Having said that, I am aware of women who like the idea of being obedient to their husbands. One of them, a friend of mine, said she felt she needed that kind of direction. She was in her late 30s at the time, and the man was not overly controlling, so it worked out well for them (they’re still married), but obviously it’s not working for the OP and her fiance, and it certainly wouldn’t have worked for me.

 

[puer.dei]

he said I “need to obey” him and that he’s “putting his foot down” on this subject.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He’s just given you a preview of your entire married life. Is this how you want to live for the next 50 years?

 

[Irishmom2]

OP, if you were my daughter, I would say run away!
I just read your other thread and this one.

Red flags all over both threads.

 

[CoffeeCatholic]

… my first thought was also wondering if this was legit or a troll. I can’t imagine a man saying that she needed to obey him. Unless… this person is from another country with a culture where this sort of mentality and lack of equal conversation is accepted???

 

[JulianN]

Unfortunately, I’ve seen a growing trend in some circles of the Church where this is being promoted.

 

[CoffeeCatholic]

JulianN - you are right, and I kind of understand with the whole “your husband is the head of the family and you must submit to his authority” type thing that is currently really popular in various Christian faiths; but I guess to hear him say bluntly that she needed to obey him and he was putting his foot down sounded more like the Muslim culture, or the Mennonite or Amish. Just sounds so… not Catholic I guess. Catholic men typically are equal partners with their wives compared to many other religions. So… just like the other poster, I too, wondered if this was legit.

 

[Legend]

You were uncomfortable about this marriage months ago. I really have no opinion on hyphenated last names, or of wife’s keeping her own name. But, it’s obvious…he wants to be ‘in charge’. It is never right to impose one’s preferences on another adult, especially, without discussion.

Please, end this engagement, before you make any spiritual commitments, or financial ones. I’ve never seen a post here, where anyone praises their ‘take-charge’ spouse.

I hope you move on soon, and have a happy life! God Bless!

 

[Bruised_Reed]

currently really popular in various Christian faiths; but I guess to hear him say bluntly that she needed to obey him and he was putting his foot down sounded more like the Muslim culture, or the Mennonite or Amish. Just sounds so… not Catholic

That’s the thing; it is not Catholic but it’s gaining traction among some Catholics, specifically traditionalists. If the OP’s fiancé is tapped into groups that promote this he can use their number and the word Catholic to justify power and control over her.