R
Rose71
Guest
I’d really appreciate some words of wisdom from those of you who are married.
I have been getting to know the most amazing and lovely man. We had been friends, through our shared interests, for three years when he said he’d like to start dating. At first, I was extremely afraid. Actually ‘afraid’ isn’t the right word, but it’s the closest I can come up with! You see, until then, the concept of ‘love’ for me was confused, because I’d had a few too many false starts with men who weren’t really interested in me; or realised after a couple of dates that I really did mean it when I said I was a practicing Catholic and I got used to that almost gambler-like feeling of lots of let-downs and disappointments and then…suddenly…that big rush of ardrenaline when he actually rang.
After 4 months of just being friends and spending more time together, I began to see that this man was absolutely sincere about the way he felt for me and did not just see me as a quick fling. I realised how much we had in common and how many values we share (we are both Catholics) I was absolutely up front about my beliefs and he didn’t run away. He is always ready to help and to listen and he shows his love in all the practical things he does for me about the house and the thought he puts into planning days out.
On New Years Eve, he proposed to me and I accepted. That’s when the trouble began. Since then, I keep having what I can only describe as attacks of blind panic. I’ve never felt swept off my feet by him, or infatuated. The best way I can describe how I feel is that being with him gives me a sense of belonging and security and takes the rough edges off life. He always behaves with dignity and kindness and he makes me want to do likewise.
Out of respect for one another, we do not place one another in situations of temptation we know we would be unable to handle. The problem for me, as a woman who is a veteran at keeping her emotions in check, is that I have just about convinced myself now that there is no ‘spark’ at all.
I get on really well with his family and he does with mine too. I can confidently say that I am 100% myself in his company and never feel the need to put on a front.
So why the panic? Part of me feels that it’s just the enormity of the challenge of marriage. How can I enter into such a serious contract if I am not 100% sure I am doing the right thing by this wonderful man? If I feel doubt - then it must mean I don’t feel 100% committed - right? Or is it because I care about him so much, I am too busy disecting all the whys and wherefores to relax and enjoy the feeling of being with someone who I feel so comfortable with?
This feels like make or break to me. I have never met anyone who accepts me so freely and without judgement and who I feel so comfortable with and connected to. I don’t understand why I can’t look at wedding magazines and rings without feeling physically sick! I can’t even bring myself to go shopping for an engagement ring because I feel guilty at the thought of him spending money on a ring like that, when I can’t feel anything right now but churning guts!
I have prayed throughout our courtship and I still pray now. I never pray for a pre-determined outcome: I just say “Lord, please let me have the courage and grace to do what it right by X and by You” Until the actual proposal, I was fine.
Some of this may be because I am 41 and I have never had a significant other before. I have been in love (well, infatuated) and I gave up the man who I thought was the love of my life last year, because he had been married before and although technically, an annulment may have been possible, I knew his beliefs were so different from mine that I maintained a chaste but close friendship and then we let one another go. Let no one say this was easy. It was one of the most painful experiences in my life. I would have walked through fire for that man, but ultimately, I could not condemn both of us to Hell because of infatuation and lust.
So, where do I go from here? Happily married friends say keep going, keep talking (we have discussed how I feel and he says he wants to hang in there and do all he can to help me) and don’t knock a slow-burner, because infatuation and passion fade, but true friendship and respect is what keeps a marriage going. Others say bale out now - why prolong things if you have such serious doubts.
It feels like climbing up a rock face - fun until you look down at how far you’ve come and then there is the urge to abseil gracefully back down, rather than slip and land with a big bump
Thanks for reading x
I have been getting to know the most amazing and lovely man. We had been friends, through our shared interests, for three years when he said he’d like to start dating. At first, I was extremely afraid. Actually ‘afraid’ isn’t the right word, but it’s the closest I can come up with! You see, until then, the concept of ‘love’ for me was confused, because I’d had a few too many false starts with men who weren’t really interested in me; or realised after a couple of dates that I really did mean it when I said I was a practicing Catholic and I got used to that almost gambler-like feeling of lots of let-downs and disappointments and then…suddenly…that big rush of ardrenaline when he actually rang.
After 4 months of just being friends and spending more time together, I began to see that this man was absolutely sincere about the way he felt for me and did not just see me as a quick fling. I realised how much we had in common and how many values we share (we are both Catholics) I was absolutely up front about my beliefs and he didn’t run away. He is always ready to help and to listen and he shows his love in all the practical things he does for me about the house and the thought he puts into planning days out.
On New Years Eve, he proposed to me and I accepted. That’s when the trouble began. Since then, I keep having what I can only describe as attacks of blind panic. I’ve never felt swept off my feet by him, or infatuated. The best way I can describe how I feel is that being with him gives me a sense of belonging and security and takes the rough edges off life. He always behaves with dignity and kindness and he makes me want to do likewise.
Out of respect for one another, we do not place one another in situations of temptation we know we would be unable to handle. The problem for me, as a woman who is a veteran at keeping her emotions in check, is that I have just about convinced myself now that there is no ‘spark’ at all.
I get on really well with his family and he does with mine too. I can confidently say that I am 100% myself in his company and never feel the need to put on a front.
So why the panic? Part of me feels that it’s just the enormity of the challenge of marriage. How can I enter into such a serious contract if I am not 100% sure I am doing the right thing by this wonderful man? If I feel doubt - then it must mean I don’t feel 100% committed - right? Or is it because I care about him so much, I am too busy disecting all the whys and wherefores to relax and enjoy the feeling of being with someone who I feel so comfortable with?
This feels like make or break to me. I have never met anyone who accepts me so freely and without judgement and who I feel so comfortable with and connected to. I don’t understand why I can’t look at wedding magazines and rings without feeling physically sick! I can’t even bring myself to go shopping for an engagement ring because I feel guilty at the thought of him spending money on a ring like that, when I can’t feel anything right now but churning guts!
I have prayed throughout our courtship and I still pray now. I never pray for a pre-determined outcome: I just say “Lord, please let me have the courage and grace to do what it right by X and by You” Until the actual proposal, I was fine.
Some of this may be because I am 41 and I have never had a significant other before. I have been in love (well, infatuated) and I gave up the man who I thought was the love of my life last year, because he had been married before and although technically, an annulment may have been possible, I knew his beliefs were so different from mine that I maintained a chaste but close friendship and then we let one another go. Let no one say this was easy. It was one of the most painful experiences in my life. I would have walked through fire for that man, but ultimately, I could not condemn both of us to Hell because of infatuation and lust.
So, where do I go from here? Happily married friends say keep going, keep talking (we have discussed how I feel and he says he wants to hang in there and do all he can to help me) and don’t knock a slow-burner, because infatuation and passion fade, but true friendship and respect is what keeps a marriage going. Others say bale out now - why prolong things if you have such serious doubts.
It feels like climbing up a rock face - fun until you look down at how far you’ve come and then there is the urge to abseil gracefully back down, rather than slip and land with a big bump
Thanks for reading x
). It’s why you hear about people that “fell out of love” 6 months to maybe a couple years in their marriage and then want a divorce. Long term bonds are those that are more likely to involve a deep sense of security and contentment.
