Thread about sexual sin and preparing for marriage

[DL82]

Is there anyone out there, anyone at all, who can say they never fell into any kind of sexual sin (sex itself, masturbation, lusting after women/men) before they were married.

I am engaged and am finding that there are several issues that still weigh on my conscience. Though I didn’t think it was significant at the time, because I seemed to observers on the outside to be keeping myself pure and chaste, I am in fact concerned that I have really messed up my sexuality and that this will have a bad effect on my marriage.

What should I do to work through these issues? Is it something I should postpone the wedding until I’ve been completely restored for? Is it something to work through together with my fiancee or something I need to work through on my own? Should I find a counsellor/therapist, or just go the route of frequent confession, prayer and penance?

What also concerns me is that my fiancee doesn’t see these flaws in me. I have been honest with her about my past, that I have masturbated and looked at pornography and lusted after women, and she is able to forgive it all so easily. I know I’d forgive her too, but I also feel like we ought to be able to weep over these sins which have scarred my purity and therefore the purity of our wedding union. Am I being too scrupulous about this?

I know that God is able to give us grace through the sacrament of Marriage to love one another for the rest of our lives, but I want to do everything possible to be open to that grace together.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

What should I do to work through these issues? Is it something I should postpone the wedding until I’ve been completely restored for? Is it something to work through together with my fiancee or something I need to work through on my own? Should I find a counsellor/therapist, or just go the route of frequent confession, prayer and penance?

If we’re talking about past sins, and you’ve received the Sacrament of Reconciliation for them, then I think being scrupulous is a possibility here. If we’re talking about on-going or habitual sins, then seeking direction from a trusted priest is a good idea.

Have you started marriage preparation yet? That might help you work through some of the issues you’re facing now.

I don’t know if anyone can be completely “restored” before admittance to Heaven, but the fact that you’re giving this so much consideration now is good. Pray on it.

 

[dulcissima]

The things that you are concerned about are all pretty common things for men. I’m not saying that makes them ok, but if all men waited to get married until they conquered these things completely, there probably wouldn’t be very many marriages taking place. I think you just need to be honest with yourself, and possibly your fiance. I mean are these chronic and persistant problems which you have little or no control over? Or are these areas that you have made great progress in? As a woman, I would have to say of the three the one that I would have the biggest problem with would be the pornography.

I think though if you are going to be close enough to someone to marry them, you ought to be close enough to share with them things that are very personal and possibly embarrassing. Hopefully your fiancee is not under the impression that she is marrying someone who is perfect. Hopefully she would be the type who would want to know you for who you really are and would be pleased with your desire to improve the aspects of yourself that are less than holy and desirable.

Of course, I do think talking to your priest would be a good way to decide where you should be going with this.

 

[Pug]

Should I find a counsellor/therapist, or just go the route of frequent confession, prayer and penance?

DL82,

Since you mention frequent confession as a route, I’m a bit worried that you are talking about an ongoing, partially controlled problem. My opinion is that *some *sexual issues that lead to frequent confession ought better be worked out before marriage. Full disclosure requires that I tell you my marriage remains damaged to this day over these issues. I didn’t see the flaws, either, then.

If this problem is a thing of the past, then I only ask you if you have the least concern about your ability to carry out your marital duty (enjoy sexual relations in a standard manner). If you do, I’d resolve that first. This might mean something as simple as talking to a priest once to relieve your mind.

But you could just be the normal guy with your average fallen nature kind of problems. If so, I wouldn’t postpone going forward with your plans of marriage.