Threatening divorce

[JB1]

Hi, I’ll try to make this short (yeah, right )

As I was listening to christian radio the other day, I realized my husband is an “aggressor” as they called it on the show - a my way or the high way, I don’t care what you want or say" kind of guy who’s not afraid to get into a heated argument over the slightest thing. He used to not be this way. But, he now has the attitude that I need to take care of the house and get a job and this and that. He used to help - now it’s just my job. I mean, if he uses a cleanex, he just puts it wherever and I need to throw it. He’ll use a toothpick and then stick it in the fold his chair and I’ll stick myself with it - he just says he’s too lazy to throw it himself. Lazy is right. He calls me lazy, but fact it, besides going to work 8 hours a day (I don’t have a job), I do everything - even write his e-mails for him.

And he will get real angry if everything isn’t done. I get the, “Why can’t you do it right - I have told you to do this a hundred times. I don’t make the same mistake over and over. And I know where everything that’s “mine” is” - this is because I do everything and responsible for everything. If I had a small pile of papers to keep track of and a few bath items that were my responsibility ONLY, I wouldn’t have a hard time with things either. I’m only human - I can only do so much, and then only one at a time. Fact is, he doesn’t care about me. This is the second time TODAY he is saying he wants me and our child to just “leave” - he threatens divorce all the time. This happens daily.

Also, I don’t like the kind of parent he is turning me into. He can get very angry and scream at our child and it scares our child. If our child is being bad, I will send him to his room, or yell at him myself just because I don’t want him to wake my husband (usually is the morning when our child is cranky) and because believe me, it’ll be worse when my husband starts getting up and threatening and screaming - screams so loud. I don’t want to yell at my child but it feels like the “lesser of 2 evils”.

This is not good. It’s hard to walk away from a guy that “used” to be a good guy. I don’t have a job - heck I don’t have much of an education - and I will have to live with my family (if you knew my mother, you would see what I mean, lol). But, I just don’t know what to do anymore. He’s pushing me over my limit. I love him, but hate the aggressor.

JB

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m sorry JB that you’re doing through this. First let me say…that you probably love who he *used *to be. A shadow of who he now is, sadly. Can you p(name removed by moderator)oint anything that might have changed him like this?

I don’t know if I’d call his behavior (yet) abusive, but it’s getting there. Abuse may never become physical, but can be verbal and emotional for years. Abusive men and women typically are very controlling, say nasty things with no remorse, and blame everything that is wrong with life on their spouse/partner. They will often create an atmosphere of walking on eggshells, to keep their mates off kilter. I dated someone like this–and your husband sounds similiar in many ways. I was called all kinds of horrible names…and I finally said to myself one day…why am I dating someone who dislikes me this much? Of course, they will say they love you, but that’s not true love. The guy stalked me for a long while, after I ended things back in college…I remember telling him…why do you want to get back with me? You dislike me so, remember? It’s good to look back at that, and now giggle…but, back then, it was no laughing matter!

Now, in your case, you have a child together…and a marriage. I would try to p(name removed by moderator)oint when his behavior changed, and see if he will seek counseling. If it gets worse and worse…please don’t remain in that house just because he is paying the bills. So many women who are abused, stay because they don’t have anywhere to turn, or they lack business skills or access to the family money. I would actually try to get a parttime job, so you are not so reliant on him, in case you might have to leave suddenly.

I hope it doesn’t ever come to you having to leave…but, you and your child are only going to hurt more and more each day, if he doesn’t get counseling to get to the root of the problem. The problem IS NOT you. Know this. Keep repeating that daily…

I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[mammallama]

I must be married to his brother.In this case hubby drinks way too much and whenever he’s had a rotten day at work or doesn’t feel well he takes it out on me.Now when he starts yelling about how the toilet paper was hung the wrong way I know to ask him"This isn’t about the toilet paper at all,Is it?What’s the real problem?"

 

[rpp]

Of course it is nearly impossible to draw much from an internet forum post. But I am struck by the contrast in behavior you are describing. Significant personality change can be a sign of a medical problem.

How long have you been married? How long did you know him before you were married. You have described some pretty serious personality changes and I want to know what basis of comparison you are using. Maybe he was always mean and you never realized it. How rapid was this change? Was it weeks or years?

Does he take regular prescription medicine and could that be affecting his behavior? Could he perhaps have undiagnosed diabetes? Does your husband drink too much? Could he be using illegal drugs? Has he lost weight recently or have his appetite plummeted? Those, along with personality change, can be signs of methamphetamine use.

Look, there seem to be a lot of things going on. Significant personality changes always have a reason, often medical. Consider trying to have him evaluated by a medical professional.

 

[rpp]

I must be married to his brother.In this case hubby drinks way too much and whenever he’s had a rotten day at work or doesn’t feel well he takes it out on me.Now when he starts yelling about how the toilet paper was hung the wrong way I know to ask him"This isn’t about the toilet paper at all,Is it?What’s the real problem?"

Hey! Hanging toilet paper the wrong is a big deal. Especially if you have a cat!

 

[mammallama]

Hey! Hanging toilet paper the wrong is a big deal. Especially if you have a cat!

Especially 3 spoiled rotten Siamese.And when the toilet paper is hung the “correct” way it’s easier for the little monsters to unravel.

But on a serious note: your advice is spot on.

 

[whatevergirl]

Could be a medical issue…could be borderline control and abuse issues. I would seek counseling…to get to the root cause.

 

[Trishie]

Why does he want you and your child to leave? It doesn’t seem very loving to expect you to walk away from your home. Sometimes it’s almost as if one person went into the marriage with a mirror in front of their face, saying “I love you” to what they saw reflected in the mirror. But the other person can’t see the mirror, and think because the other person is attracted to how they make the person with the miror feel at the time, they are loved, but the person is nice because it is still easy. Things change when it gets hard.

So many people see themselves as the centre of their world. So many don’t actually seem to love others.
I saw a cartoon once where a man and a woman were each holding a mirror they were gazing into in front of their faces. “I love you” "I love you"they said, eyes glued to their mirrors though facing each other. They got together, still gazing into their mirrors side by side saying “I love you” “l love you”. The third frame showed them walking away from each other (divorce), still gazing into the mirror, saying “I love you” “I love you.”

I hope for your sake that your husband wasn’t a mirror person, and that God can move his heart to genuine love and respect.

You deserve no less than love and respect, and not to be treated like a child by him as a parent, but a loving partner. Fear makes you try to protect yourself and your child. but the unheathy treatment you get makes you do so sometimes in unhealthy ways. God please make you the mother you so long to be!

I do hope things work out.

 

[Just_Lurking]

What you’ve written sounds like classic abuse. I recommend that you read the book:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (see here)

Then you will be able to recognize the signs of an abusive person all by yourself, and you will have a clear picture of what needs to be done.