C
CatholicBloke
Guest
So, I tried to post and it didn’t show up… I hope I don’t end up posting twice… sorry.
So, I am normally one to always tell people to stick together. Even after my wife betrayed me the first time, I stuck with her. But I am getting to the point where I don’t know if it is a healthy relationship and my wife’s lack of dedication to the marriage is obvious.
In the interest of preventing this from being “too” long, I’ll try to sum things up:
We got married in 2008. Even before our marriage, I found out that my job would take me to a foreign country for some time and we planned on going together. When the time came (only a few months since our marriage), she didn’t come with me. She decided to stay in the US for her job. She became very distant and I ended up finding out that she started a relationship with another man. I happened to be back in the US when I found out, so I asked her about it and she denied it repeatedly, until I showed her the emails I read to find out. They wrote about how much they loved each other and wished they could be together. Further, the reason why I became suspicious is because I came home for only 2 weeks and she decided not to take time off for work (except 2,3 days); and then one of the nights, she said that she was going to work late, made her self up really nice, wore sexy underwear and came back in her pajamas (saying that she took a shower at work because she was tired). Anyway, it seems pretty clear that even though I came home after not seeing her for months, she went out to spend time with this other man (and most likely had sex with him). My wife said that it was just for the attention and that she didn’t mean it, she said she was embarrassed, sorry and would stop. We decided to start over again and be 100% devoted to our marriage. She decided to come to Japan with me, but there was a month lag in when I came here and when she followed (I later found out that she spent time with this man during this time). A few months later, I happened to notice that our internet history showed emails with the other man again. I couldn’t read the emails, but I asked my wife about it, she denied it and then when I dragged it out of her, she said that she was just writing him as friends and that she was saying goodbye. I then found her writing a couple of months later and she quickly closed her laptop. I was suspicious of course and ask her if I could see her emails. She made up a story about how she was going through something personal with her brother and didn’t want me to see these emails (I found out that was a lie later). Well, finally in January, I ended up finding emails again that dated back for months. She wrote about their love, how they were soul mates, confirmed their sexual relationship by reminiscing about it, even about how they wish they could have children together and mentioned how they would like to get married in in our current country (presumably because our marriage isn’t registered here, so technically, she isn’t married in this country). I asked her about everything and she denied it heavily. I didn’t tell her about the emails, but I asked her over and over again about everything I knew. She denied it all, but she ended up writing an email to this other man to tell him that their relationship needed to end (she doesn’t know that I saw this email - I think). I can tell that she is actually trying not to talk to him. On the other hand, she said that she wants to be 100 percent honest with me from now on, but then she just told me half truths about her relationship. She obviously doesn’t know about what was in the emails I read, because she is still trying to hide certain details.
Anyway, I am to the point where I don’t really know if this other man was the problem anyway. That actually I think that it is just her commitment to me and this marriage. Even if she stops talking to him, I don’t know how to trust her. She has lied about other things often (even money). I feel like our marriage has turned into a cliche disaster. What is worse actually, is that I felt really close with her the last couple of months. We were finally praying together every night and I felt really loved by her. However, this is also the time when her emails with the other man were at their peak ugliness. Sometimes I wonder if she was acting loving with me after she spoke with him and imagined I was him. But there is also the possibility that she was just completely confused, caught up in living a double life and really did love me very much. It is possible that they were just kidding about getting married and perhaps she was just writing him because she liked the thrill / attention. She says that she doesn’t want to get a divorce and she wants to start over again again. I don’t know what I believe though. Perhaps I am trying to too hard to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I do still love her, so I am having a hard time thinking that it could be over. I did mention that I was considering an annulment, but I am not sure. I have been praying so hard about it, but I really don’t know what to do. Would I be selfish for wanting an annulment? For some reason, I just feel like annulments shouldn’t be possible. I have always just assumed that my marriage is for life and if I did get an annulment, I don’t know that I would ever feel like God freed me from my original marriage.
I don’t know, I am really confused. Sorry for writing so much. Pray for me if you get the chance. If you have the time to comment, I can use whatever advice is out there.
So, I am normally one to always tell people to stick together. Even after my wife betrayed me the first time, I stuck with her. But I am getting to the point where I don’t know if it is a healthy relationship and my wife’s lack of dedication to the marriage is obvious.
In the interest of preventing this from being “too” long, I’ll try to sum things up:
We got married in 2008. Even before our marriage, I found out that my job would take me to a foreign country for some time and we planned on going together. When the time came (only a few months since our marriage), she didn’t come with me. She decided to stay in the US for her job. She became very distant and I ended up finding out that she started a relationship with another man. I happened to be back in the US when I found out, so I asked her about it and she denied it repeatedly, until I showed her the emails I read to find out. They wrote about how much they loved each other and wished they could be together. Further, the reason why I became suspicious is because I came home for only 2 weeks and she decided not to take time off for work (except 2,3 days); and then one of the nights, she said that she was going to work late, made her self up really nice, wore sexy underwear and came back in her pajamas (saying that she took a shower at work because she was tired). Anyway, it seems pretty clear that even though I came home after not seeing her for months, she went out to spend time with this other man (and most likely had sex with him). My wife said that it was just for the attention and that she didn’t mean it, she said she was embarrassed, sorry and would stop. We decided to start over again and be 100% devoted to our marriage. She decided to come to Japan with me, but there was a month lag in when I came here and when she followed (I later found out that she spent time with this man during this time). A few months later, I happened to notice that our internet history showed emails with the other man again. I couldn’t read the emails, but I asked my wife about it, she denied it and then when I dragged it out of her, she said that she was just writing him as friends and that she was saying goodbye. I then found her writing a couple of months later and she quickly closed her laptop. I was suspicious of course and ask her if I could see her emails. She made up a story about how she was going through something personal with her brother and didn’t want me to see these emails (I found out that was a lie later). Well, finally in January, I ended up finding emails again that dated back for months. She wrote about their love, how they were soul mates, confirmed their sexual relationship by reminiscing about it, even about how they wish they could have children together and mentioned how they would like to get married in in our current country (presumably because our marriage isn’t registered here, so technically, she isn’t married in this country). I asked her about everything and she denied it heavily. I didn’t tell her about the emails, but I asked her over and over again about everything I knew. She denied it all, but she ended up writing an email to this other man to tell him that their relationship needed to end (she doesn’t know that I saw this email - I think). I can tell that she is actually trying not to talk to him. On the other hand, she said that she wants to be 100 percent honest with me from now on, but then she just told me half truths about her relationship. She obviously doesn’t know about what was in the emails I read, because she is still trying to hide certain details.
Anyway, I am to the point where I don’t really know if this other man was the problem anyway. That actually I think that it is just her commitment to me and this marriage. Even if she stops talking to him, I don’t know how to trust her. She has lied about other things often (even money). I feel like our marriage has turned into a cliche disaster. What is worse actually, is that I felt really close with her the last couple of months. We were finally praying together every night and I felt really loved by her. However, this is also the time when her emails with the other man were at their peak ugliness. Sometimes I wonder if she was acting loving with me after she spoke with him and imagined I was him. But there is also the possibility that she was just completely confused, caught up in living a double life and really did love me very much. It is possible that they were just kidding about getting married and perhaps she was just writing him because she liked the thrill / attention. She says that she doesn’t want to get a divorce and she wants to start over again again. I don’t know what I believe though. Perhaps I am trying to too hard to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I do still love her, so I am having a hard time thinking that it could be over. I did mention that I was considering an annulment, but I am not sure. I have been praying so hard about it, but I really don’t know what to do. Would I be selfish for wanting an annulment? For some reason, I just feel like annulments shouldn’t be possible. I have always just assumed that my marriage is for life and if I did get an annulment, I don’t know that I would ever feel like God freed me from my original marriage.
I don’t know, I am really confused. Sorry for writing so much. Pray for me if you get the chance. If you have the time to comment, I can use whatever advice is out there.