TIME-OUT for my family members

[LaLucia]

I have been doing a great job of taking care of my senior parents. My two sisters just talk behind my back about me and don’t help out at all with my parents. My brother has decided to leave town for two months knowing that my senior dad is seriously ill and bed bound.
Well… yesterday was the day that I have decided to do a time-out from my family members. I called one sister and told her to tell Mom that I am not talking to her or any family member for a whole month.
I volunteered to take care of dad so my sister could take Mom out for the day. I told them to return by 8:30P.M. They were out from 11a.m. They showed up real late at 10:30P.M. with no excuses. I had made it clear that they had to return early. I called my sister three times on her cell phone and she would not pick up the phone.
I now plan to let my sister take over the care of my parents’s needs.
I have already set the foundation for caring for my parents. I pay for Meals on Wheels for them. I hired a cleaning lady and a nurse care person for my dad to wash him up and make sure he is okay.

MOM is in the habit of calling me up every day with her phony illnesses but will not see the doctor. She doesn’t want my dad in a home either. Every day I have listened to her and visited them and taken things that they need.

I a truly tired and need a break from them. My condo is a mess because I have been devoting all my time to my parents and I truly enjoyed helping them. But I think it is now my sisters and brother turn to help out.

I am just venting. I plan to start taking care of me. I am 68yrs old I am the oldest in my family and I am visually impaired in one eye. I don’t like to drive at night. My dad is 95yrs.old.
I plan to keep in touch with the nurse so he can tell me how my dad is doing. If my dad should seriously become ill my mom just calls 911. She knows how to handle any problem. I just try to make life easy on her but she doesn’t really appreciates my help. She criticises me behind my back and is ot loyal to me. She has always been that way with all of us family members.

I think TIME-OUT is a great idea. Luci

 

[Nanny_PK]

I think it is very important that you take care of yourself as well It seems that you have structured things to ensure that your parents are cared for.

It is very important that your siblings chip in. It’s not fair for you to shoulder all the work yourself. Good for you!!!

Blessings,
Paula

 

[LaLucia]

Paula, Thank you for your kind words. Luci

 

[KCT]

Set appropriate boundaries and stick to them.

 

[Belle10]

I think it is very important that you take care of yourself as well It seems that you have structured things to ensure that your parents are cared for.

It is very important that your siblings chip in. It’s not fair for you to shoulder all the work yourself. Good for you!!!

Blessings,
Paula

I agree. My parents are dealing with taking care of my mom’s parents, and it’s tough (my grandfather has Alzheimer’s, my grandmother is starting to get forgetful and is overwhelmed with my grandfather). Thankfully my two aunts live right there too and help a lot as well, but their brother doesn’t do much (lives an hour away).

It’s a tough job, but remember, you’re doing acts of mercy for your parents, just as Jesus calls us to in His message of Divine Mercy. God bless you. :hug1:

 

[ChristineML]

It’s definitely not fair or practical long-term for just one person to care for your aging parents. You’ve been doing it all, and your sisters are criticizing HOW you’re doing it? HA!

Have you held a family conference with everyone in your generation? You need to tell everyone else what your observations are of your parents’ current condition and needs. Your siblings honestly may not be aware of these, if they are visiting your parents much less often than you. Then ask folks to think about how they can contribute to your/their parents’ care. Siblings who live farther away may not be able to help with day-to-day care, but might be able to contribute financially to their parents’ care. For example, my dad lives in a different state from his two sisters living with / caring for their mom, and his contribution is financial / donation of time-share condo time so the sisters can get vacation-time respite from caring for their mom. Other options are spending one week of their vacation time while you go away for a rest, or siblings could contribute to paying for home health aides, cleaning services, meals, etc.

It’s delicate negotiation time for you and your siblings, but first they have to understand and agree with your assessment of your/their parents’ needs.

Best wishes,
Christine

 

[LaLucia]

HI Belle, Like I have mentioned… that I truly enjoy helping my parents but my mom and my two sisters are always putting blocks in my way. It makes it really hard for me to help my ill dad when I am being surrounded by negative people. This is why I am taking a break and need to spent time for myself.

I feel very much at peace today since I have made that decision. My eye doctor said today that my eyesight is also improving.
I told my doctor that I have been praying to Jesus to heal my eyes. My eye pressure has gone down which means my eyes are getting less stressed out.
My doctor is Catholic and believes that prayer can also help heal my eyes. She has done the best that she can for me.
I would truly like for some of you to pray that my eyesight gets better. Thank you all in advance. Lucia

I have one adult son and he called me today and made me feel better. He is very supportive of me.

My Mother will just start to depend on my two sisters.

 

[Just_wondering]

I agree with the other posters, and with you, OP. You need and deserve a break from taking all the responsibility for your family’s needs.

My parents went through this with my aging grandparents. My father is the oldest of my grandparents’ four adult children. The other three children visit my grandparents twice a year or so each, and don’t contribute in any way to their care.

A few years back, I invited my parents to visit me in Korea - they had never been to Asia, and they could finally afford a ticket after years of being broke. We discussed the times we would be available, chose a date six months in advance, and I arranged two weeks off work while they’d be here. They spoke to my aunts and uncle, who all refused to help look after my grandparents. My uncle can take vacation days anytime he likes, as long as he gives three months’ notice. One of my aunts is on welfare, and the other does temporary work. None of the three has dependents. All refused to look after my grandparents.

So, my parents spoke to my grandparents about it directly. “We’re going to Korea from November 15th to December 1st. We will help you make whatever arrangements you need for care during that time, including dropping you off at somebody’s house, but it’s up to you to decide where you’ll go and who will look after you while we’re gone.” My grandparents protested, whined, complained, and grumbled, but they weighed the options and then told my uncle rather forcefully that he should come look after them. As it turned out, my grandfather took a fall and was in hospital while my parents were away. My grandmother turned out to be perfectly capable of arranging for someone to take care of her when she needed it, and now my parents are able to go away for a week at a time if they give her enough notice to arrange for someone else to take care of her.

I think you just need to have your parents be the ones demanding that your siblings contribute. You can arrange this by informing your parents that you won’t be helping them from ____ date until ____ date. When they protest that you’re being unreasonable, just refuse to listen and tell them to arrange assistance from whoever might make them comfortable. If none of your siblings will be available at that time, perhaps they could have nursing care or go into a home for the duration of your time off. And if one of your siblings takes over their care for a week or a month, maybe everything you do will be appreciated that much more.

My only concern about the strategy is that you give everyone enough time to make the arrangements. It probably isn’t fair to spring it on them with no warning - although you did say you laid down the rules and they ignored them, so that could be construed as warning.

 

[LaLucia]

Hi Just wondering, thank you for your information.

My time- out plan didn’t last very long but I now have my sister and her adult son taking over the responsibility for my parents.

I had to talk with my sister today to give her all the information I knew in order to put my dad in a nursing home since he now needs to go into a home.
My sister had told our mom that she had car trouble and couldn’t help her out with our dad. I called my sister and advised her to take some money out of our parents’ bank and use the money to rent a car for a few days until her car was fixed. Sometimes people don’t think of alternatives. She was really happy with the idea of renting a car since she does need a car to get around in.
I also gave her info of what home to take my dad to and who to talk with about getting the paper work done.
I knew that if I stepped back my sister would have to take over and she and her 50yr.old son are doing it together. Yeah!

I am laughing right now because the best part is that our mom will now say that it was my sister who put our dad in a nursing home and will consider my sister the mean daughter.
Mom wanted dad to stay home forever but now she has to let go of him with my sister’s help.

I am still doing my time-out by not getting envolved in the process of showing up physically in person to help out. I plan to help out by telephone. I have made it very clear that I am not going to make decisions anymore for our dad. He is in God’s hand because I have been praying for help and God is protecting my dad by sending him to a nursing home where he should be at for his own safety. The nurses and care workers will do a wonderful job of taking care of him. Once he is in a home I plan to go visit him and give him massages on his cold feet and legs and hands.
Then I plan to take him to the Catholic service on Sundays provided by the Nursing Home. I will have a priest hear his confession and he can receive holy communion and be at peace with himself. Lucia

 

[LaLucia]

My Mom just called me for my advise which was a simple queston. I just told her to call my sister for advise.

My daugher-in-law called me up demanding that I help out. I said to her to “Be my guest… and help out yourself”. She didn’t say nothing and just hung up. See what I mean about my relatives? They think they can call me and make demands on me but I am not going to take it anymore from them all.
I still plan to help out when I feel I am really needed by my dad.