Tips and advice on how to break "No contact" with an ex you had a positive and mutual break up with

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callmeChris

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Could really use some help here. My ex and I split over a month ago after almost 2 years together. We were literally as close as can be throughout and were best friends. We were friends months before dating so we clicked so easily. She thought it was best for us to end it, and we mutually ended the relationship on a positive note despite us being so devastated (We were both crying like babies lol). It really sucks when you have a great thing going but life (College, schedules, family time, etc) gets in the way and tears it apart. It’s been a month and 3 days since we last spoke and I’m just wondering how to break the “No contact” barrier. A lot of people say the dumper should break it and some say the dumpee should break it all depending how the breakup went but the breakup between us wasn’t drama filled or violent so it leaves me wondering when and how I should contact her.
 
Could really use some help here. My ex and I split over a month ago after almost 2 years together. We were literally as close as can be throughout and were best friends. We were friends months before dating so we clicked so easily. She thought it was best for us to end it, and we mutually ended the relationship on a positive note despite us being so devastated (We were both crying like babies lol). It really sucks when you have a great thing going but life (College, schedules, family time, etc) gets in the way and tears it apart. It’s been a month and 3 days since we last spoke and I’m just wondering how to break the “No contact” barrier. A lot of people say the dumper should break it and some say the dumpee should break it all depending how the breakup went but the breakup between us wasn’t drama filled or violent so it leaves me wondering when and how I should contact her.
 
Don’t contact her. You mutually broke up. Accept it and move on. There are many suitable mates out there. Don’t obsess about a broken relationship. Let it alone and get on with your life.
 
My advice, and you’re probably not going to like it - don’t. Because if you both agreed to and accepted no contact back then, that was what you wanted and she has probably come to terms with it. She might even consider it a boundary violation now if you were to make contact. I did that with an ex long ago on an impulse and regretted it. I wasn’t even going to go near the issue of “us,” either. I was just upset about a death of a pet I’d had that he had liked and wanted to tell him. But he had set a boundary of letters but no phone calls and I broke it, so he never contacted me again. It was for the best, really; we probably should have made a cleaner break long before then.

After a breakup you ultimately have to bite the bullet and force yourself to move on, and if the thought of that is tearing you up really badly, get some help with the grief and other stuff that is part of the letting go process. I failed to really let go and though I dated a few other guys I was still stuck in the past. Now a lot of time has gone by and I wouldn’t take the ex back if you paid me, I can see how wrong we were for each other. But I grew rusty in the dating game since I let so much time go by without settling my own baggage.
 
This wasn’t the end of an illicit affair and didn’t end because one of you lacked integrity. It just didn’t work out for practical reasons. It will eventually be OK to send her a note in the mail, tell her you will always be thankful for the relationship, you still consider her a friend and no hard feelings. "Of course I miss you, but we’ll both survive. Although we’ve gone our separate ways and gone on to other things and separate futures, I will always be interested in hearing how things are with you. May life bring you all the best. Don’t hesitate to give me a call if some friend of yours could use some help from me–your friend is my friend!–but I won’t contact you again unless I hear from you, except to send you notice if I change address or phone number. "

That lets her know that you haven’t gotten bitter and would welcome “just friends” kinds of communication, which could concern her since she broke up with you. Then after that, though, be as good as your word and don’t contact her until she contacts you.

Honestly, though, I’d wait until at least six months and probably more like a year after your break-up to send such a note. She may not be handling this as well as you are or may be having second thoughts. She may be afraid that you’re really not going to let her go. Let her get through the break-up at her own pace before contacting her as a friend. She asked for space: Give it to her.
 
Why do you want to break the no contact? Have you found a way to resolve your scheduling and time conflicts?

I wouldn’t contact her unless you know you can change what was wrong last time. Don’t give her, or yourself, false hope about a relationship that isn’t going to work. As well, your ex girlfriend may not want to break the no contact so consider that too.

Lou
 
callmeChris said:
She thought it was best for us to end it, and we mutually ended the relationship on a positive note despite us being so devastated (We were both crying like babies lol).
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Ok, I am confused, that sentence is a contradiction, isn’t it? Saying “she thought it was best for us to end it” implies to me the break up was initiated by her, that it wasn’t really mutual on your end. Or am I missing something? :confused:

Even if the breakup was mutual, I am still puzzled as to why you would want to break the “no contact”. Even if you aren’t trying to get back together romantically, I think there is a risk your ex-GF would assume this to be your motivation. She may not react well to that. In the worst case scenario, you could wind up accused of stalking or harassment.

It seems what you probably should have done, is to discuss, when the breakup did happen, if a friendship was possible down the road. If neither of you addressed that, then I’d think it’s best just to let this girl go.
 
callmeChris said:
Could really use some help here. My ex and I split over a month ago after almost 2 years together. We were literally as close as can be throughout and were best friends. We were friends months before dating so we clicked so easily.** She thought it was best for us to end it**, and we mutually ended the relationship on a positive note despite us being so devastated (We were both crying like babies lol). It really sucks when you have a great thing going but life (College, schedules, family time, etc) gets in the way and tears it apart. It’s been a month and 3 days since we last spoke and I’m just wondering how to break the “No contact” barrier. A lot of people say the dumper should break it and some say the dumpee should break it all depending how the breakup went but the breakup between us wasn’t drama filled or violent so it leaves me wondering when and how I should contact her.
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If she thought it best to end it, I would say to respect her decision. If she wants to get back together, let her make the first move.

If someone really wants to be together, they will overcome even those obstacles you had. I’d say to move on as she seems to have already done.
 
ClearWater said:
If she thought it best to end it, I would say to respect her decision. If she wants to get back together, let her make the first move.

If someone really wants to be together, they will overcome even those obstacles you had. I’d say to move on as she seems to have already done.
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She thought it was best because “life (College, schedules, family time, etc) gets in the way and tears it apart.”

OK, maybe that was a version of “it’s not you, it’s me,” fair enough. If enough time elapses and he only communicates “no hard feelings” rather than “if you change your mind about us, call me,” she might welcome it. When you break up with someone, you can feel as if contacting him at all is insensitive. It can be a relief to know he’s doing OK with your decision and wouldn’t think he was being used if you were to tell a friend to look him up and say you send your regards. No way would I do that to a former boyfriend I had broken up with, not unless he specifically said that was OK after a good deal of time had elapsed.

What’s to gain if it is OK? She’s a quality person, her circle of friends are probably like her. Maybe he’ll find someone with a better match on schedule through a friend-of-a-friend-of-this-old-friend, who knows?

Under no circumstances should he send any version of, “If you change your mind, call me.” That screams, “trust me, if you see me again it will be totally awkward.” Been there.
 
callmeChris said:
Could really use some help here. My ex and I split over a month ago after almost 2 years together. We were literally as close as can be throughout and were best friends. We were friends months before dating so we clicked so easily. She thought it was best for us to end it, and we mutually ended the relationship on a positive note despite us being so devastated (We were both crying like babies lol). It really sucks when you have a great thing going but life (College, schedules, family time, etc) gets in the way and tears it apart. It’s been a month and 3 days since we last spoke and I’m just wondering how to break the “No contact” barrier. A lot of people say the dumper should break it and some say the dumpee should break it all depending how the breakup went but the breakup between us wasn’t drama filled or violent so it leaves me wondering when and how I should contact her.
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It’s only been a month; you (and her) need MUCH more time to heal, even if you parted on good terms. Keep busy, start attending a new club or activity, meet new people, get on with the rest of your life and let her do the same.
 
There are no tips and advice on how to break the no contact rule because you shouldn’t break the no contact rule.

Experience speaking: Stay strong. Heal. Move on. It gets easier as time goes by.

Good luck. 🙂
 
I read some of the people that posted on here, and I agree. Don’t speak to your ex. You guys dated for over 2 years plus we’re really good friends prior to that. Just leave it, don’t look for her.

Trust me, I speak from experience, I dated someone for 4.5 years plus we were best friends 2.5 years before we dated.
 
Catholic1954 said:
It’s only been a month; you (and her) need MUCH more time to heal, even if you parted on good terms. Keep busy, start attending a new club or activity, meet new people, get on with the rest of your life and let her do the same.
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Actually, it’s been a month and three days. The OP noted those three days so they must be important? Either that or it’s a clear sign that he’s not at all over this breakup - still counting the days since it happened.

Sorry OP, but I don’t buy that this relationship breakup was either positive or mutual.

And you haven’t said why you want to contact her.
 
callmeChris said:
Could really use some help here. My ex and I split over a month ago after almost 2 years together. We were literally as close as can be throughout and were best friends. We were friends months before dating so we clicked so easily. She thought it was best for us to end it, and we mutually ended the relationship on a positive note despite us being so devastated (We were both crying like babies lol). It really sucks when you have a great thing going but life (College, schedules, family time, etc) gets in the way and tears it apart. It’s been a month and 3 days since we last spoke and I’m just wondering how to break the “No contact” barrier. A lot of people say the dumper should break it and some say the dumpee should break it all depending how the breakup went but the breakup between us wasn’t drama filled or violent so it leaves me wondering when and how I should contact her.
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To what end would contact be directed to?

The fact that you have the breakup still listed in “days” shows that you have not accepted her decision. You should not contact her.
 
My advice: don’t reach out. Wait for both of you guys to “bump into each other” if it’s possible. I would feel pretty weird if an ex were to contact me. This does not mean you’ll never talk to her again, but that it’ll take longer. A “happy birthday” text (I would prefer social media bc it seems less intimate, since a bunch of people would be wishing her there) would be fine though
 
I am going through a similar ordeal with my girlfriend of 7 years. I know how haunting and powerful memories are, how you feel a part of you is dead, forever.
I posted my situation on this site last week, and as I suspected, almost all the replies I got said that it was for the best that the relationship would end, etc. I disagree with almost all the replies I received.
Although it MIGHT be true that ending a relationship might be for the best, there are things that YOU can do. Look, God did not make you to be a robot, and just sit back.
I know each situation is different, and no one can fully describe what they had going on in their relationship, but here are a few resources, hope they help you as much as they are helping me.

exgirlfriendrecovery.com/how-…rlfriend-back/
 
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