Tips On Discerning A Vocation To Singleness?

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Hi everyone. What are your tips on discerning a vocation to singleness? I have not had a real relationship for a long time. The only relationships I have had in the past few years are online relationships.

I think that I may very well be called to the vocation of singleness but I am not sure. The reason I think I may be called to the vocation of singleness is because I have three mental disorders: Major Depressive Disorder, Adult ADHD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. The Borderline Personality Disorder causes a great deal of instability in relationships with people. So I am thinking that perhaps it is best that I remain single. However, I don’t know for sure.

So, I ask, what are your tips on discerning a vocation of singleness? 🤷:confused:
 
Holly3278 said:
Hi everyone. What are your tips on discerning a vocation to singleness? I have not had a real relationship for a long time. The only relationships I have had in the past few years are online relationships.

I think that I may very well be called to the vocation of singleness but I am not sure. The reason I think I may be called to the vocation of singleness is because I have three mental disorders: Major Depressive Disorder, Adult ADHD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. The Borderline Personality Disorder causes a great deal of instability in relationships with people. So I am thinking that perhaps it is best that I remain single. However, I don’t know for sure.

So, I ask, what are your tips on discerning a vocation of singleness? 🤷:confused:
Click to expand...
As far as my understanding goes…
There are only three vocations for people:
To the priesthood
To the religious life
To the married state
 
Some people will say that being single is a vocation. I disagree. It is a state in life. Some people choose to be single; others are forced to be single. The fact that some people are in a certain state in life does not mean that the state in life is a vocation. A vocation is about total, lifelong, permanent dedication, either to a spouse and family, to the Church, or to God directly. Being single is not, by definition, a permanent state–though for some people it may end up being lifelong–nor is it sacrificial in nature the way that marriage and the religious life are–though there are certainly sacrifices involved in being single. A simple thing to think about is the fact that marriage, the priesthood, and religious life all require vows (promises for secular priests); the single life has no need of vows. It may seem small, but it is an important distinction, in my mind.

If your illness makes marriage and religious life improbable or impossible, that’s OK. Many people are single for a variety of reasons outside of their control. “Discernment” isn’t really necessary. You are single now, and you think it is best for you to remain single. Maybe in the future your illnesses will be more manageable and you will marry. Or maybe that won’t happen. Pray, and make peace with being single. You will be in our prayers.
 
justagirl, I’m not sure about that. My whole life I never thought I’d get married. I was depressed a lot, and never hung around with friends much. I did have one very good friend growing up, but eventually we grew apart. The rest of my adult life up until about 26 I was never comfortable in a relationship. I was too nervous. It seems I did and said things around others that turned them off in a relationship. Perhaps I even had a disorder that caused this. I was devastated as I thought I was never going to “live a normal life and date”. Then I met my ex-husband. I was not Catholic in practice at the time, but in name only. I did not care about God or if He even existed. My husband was exactly the same - Catholic in name only. We of course got married and being that we didn’t understand what marriage was before during and after it, we got a divorce.

Only after this divorce and coming back into the Catholic Church I can say that God wanted me to be single all these years while I was pushing back as best I could, wanting what I wanted and not what He wanted. The result was tragic.

I think I was called to the single life - which to me makes it if not a vocation, then a sub-vocation. Whether or not I will join a religious order is still up in the air, as I am just as confused as I was years ago. But if we are called to a single life, we are still called to give all to the Lord. And that’s what I’m trying to do as best I can.

I’m not sure of the formal definition of vocation, but I always considered it what God wanted of your life. I know it’s a general statement, but that is what I’ve always considered a vocation to be. I don’t consider a vocation a formal “job”. like being a priest, sister, husband, wife, etc… But a state in life that is compatible with God’s will.

So to the OP, God may very well want you to stay single. Always keep this in mind. I never even considered it. Had I, I would have probably not gotten married to begin with. I probably would not have been so concerned about dating, either. I am very content now knowing that I am doing God’s will - at least by being single, anyway.

… content in other matters is an entirely different thing… 😦
 
Hello!

I thought I add on here. I too think of staying single. I have seriously thought of entering the convent and am as confused as I was a few years ago. I have toalked to many good people, Religious and non-reliogious, about discernment.

I am single and have no desire to date. I have been married twice outside the Church and divorced and have a 26- year old daughter (raised without the Church). My daughter is baptized. I have had one serious relationship that lasted about 10 years, off and on. It was highly unsatisfying in the long run. When I came back to the church, I felt a desire to stay single and devote my time to God. I have wasted so much time.

I look upon my chastitiy as the most important attribute I can offer God at this point. I am too old for children now, or am in that process, so marrying isn’t my highest priority. I want to be a prayer warrior and to help in the ways that I can for the love and glory of God. This requires time that a marriage can hinder. If by some chance God is to let me meet some one very special, I may change my mind. For now being single is all I want.

I also have Bi-polar(manic) and a few other goodies. It makes it hard to be stable in any friendship or relationship. I just offer my lonliness up for others and make my life as best I can. I can’t ask for more. It can be quite satisfying to be dedicated to God even if you do not take perpetual vows. There are a few secular orders of religious around. These women do take a form of vows and they are recognized by the church.

God Bless!
 
thevickinator16 said:
Hello!

I thought I add on here. I too think of staying single. I have seriously thought of entering the convent and am as confused as I was a few years ago. I have toalked to many good people, Religious and non-reliogious, about discernment.

I am single and have no desire to date. I have been married twice outside the Church and divorced and have a 26- year old daughter (raised without the Church). My daughter is baptized. I have had one serious relationship that lasted about 10 years, off and on. It was highly unsatisfying in the long run. When I came back to the church, I felt a desire to stay single and devote my time to God. I have wasted so much time.

I look upon my chastitiy as the most important attribute I can offer God at this point. I am too old for children now, or am in that process, so marrying isn’t my highest priority. I want to be a prayer warrior and to help in the ways that I can for the love and glory of God. This requires time that a marriage can hinder. If by some chance God is to let me meet some one very special, I may change my mind. For now being single is all I want.

I also have Bi-polar(manic) and a few other goodies. It makes it hard to be stable in any friendship or relationship. I just offer my lonliness up for others and make my life as best I can. I can’t ask for more. It can be quite satisfying to be dedicated to God even if you do not take perpetual vows. There are a few secular orders of religious around. These women do take a form of vows and they are recognized by the church.

God Bless!
Click to expand...
:amen:
 
Holly, I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depression, severe, with psychotic features. Medication really helps to ameliorate my symptoms. I have no desire to date, much less to marry or to have children: I did not want to carry my disease (or my family’s tendency to substance abuse) on to future generations.

Have you thought of secular institutes or consecrated virginity lived in the world? These options of consecrated life do not require living in community, and they will accept women who have mental health issues as long as they are able to take care of themselves financially. To be considered for consecrated virginity, one has to be a female virgin (although if one has been raped or molested, one can qualify). To be considered for a secular institute, one does not have to be a virgin: one can be a widow or have had a marriage annulled.

If becoming a consecrated virgin or joining a secular institute is too daunting for you, I suggest that you join a third order and/or the Legion of Mary. If you join a third order (Secular/Lay Carmelites, Secular Franciscans, Lay Dominicans, Benedictine Oblates, etc.), after some years you can take private vows of chastity.

One can be a consecrated virgin and a member of a third order, but a member of a third order usually cannot join a secular institute. I am a Lay Carmelite who is discerning whether God wants me to become a consecrated virgin.

I will say a prayer for you, Holly! 👍
 
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