Tips on Talking about Modesty to Highschoolers

[mariagoretti24]

I’m a teacher at a Catholic high school. I feel like I let an opportunity to talk about modesty slip by today. One of my students, Jamie, told me today that one of her friends, Abbby, has been trying to convince her to dress more modestly. Jamie took offense to that and thinks there is nothing wrong with her wardrobe.
I agree with Abby- Jamie could definitely use a lesson in modesty. Now, I didn’t outright tell Jamie that I agreed with Abby- I felt that that would just turn her off and she wouldn’t say anything else to me about it. Instead, I asked what did Abby say?
And she said that Abby gave her “something the Pope wrote about modesty. But I’m not going to read it, she made me angry.” I asked “don’t you want to know what the Pope has to say on this?” She said “it’s some old Pope. And, I know what he’ll say. He’ll say that girls should be wearing turtlenecks and ankle length skirts.” I said that I doubt that Pope would say that. The church has never written down a dress code for the people. Then I went on to say that modesty is not just what you wear but it’s about your attitude and your intentions. To people 300 years ago, wearing jeans would be scandalous- but now nobody thinks anything of it. It’s pretty safe to say that in most cases, modest jeans aren’t an occasion to sin. I then asked her to give the article a chance- you won’t know what the Pope has to say about it unless you read it. She said “I might… but no matter what I’ll tell Abby it was totally useless to me.”

I feel like I really missed an opportunity. I was so afraid of saying something that would make her upset that I really didn’t say much at all. I know that she would take seriously what I have to say, and I wish I had said something like “why do you think Abby would give you this article?” or “do you think you dress modestly?” or “what is it about what Abby said that made you angry?”

Shortly thereafter I noticed her blouse and told her to button it up (the uniform at the Catholic school- she had her blouse unbuttoned so low that it was at the cleavage line.) So hopefully that might have made her think that maybe Abby had a point and that I agree with her. That was the first time I had seen her with the open blouse. During free dress days, she wears low cut tops that show cleavage. She’s 14.

My questions are- what do you think I should have done differently today? Do you think I should say anything else to her about dressing modestly? Should I say anything to her the next time she comes to school on free dress day in a low cut top? If she’s 14 and she regularly wears clothes like this, that must mean her parents approve- so I’m not sure how much difference it will make if I say anything to them. More than likely, they’ll take offense. To my knowledge, no other teacher has approached her about this, but I intend to ask them tomorrow. Thanks!

 

[vera_dicere]

Perhaps inquire of her, if the opportunitity arises, or create another, why she dresses the way she does?

She’ll probably say something like because it makes her feel good, and then you can start discussing with her, what exactly, is it, about showing clevage or other amounts of skin that makes her feel good? Does she think it’s gaining the attention of others, for better or worse? And that sort of attention, does she want people paying attention to her because she’s wearing a short skirt or low cut top? Then talk to her about other ways she can get attention without resorting to skimpy fashion. Or ask her what ways she thinks she could get attention.

The tricky thing here, and obviously you as a teacher know, is to approach her and discuss this with her like your’e not attacking her or her choices. As sly as this is, you sort of have to trick her into getting to a modest conclusion and have her thinkign it was her idea.

She sounds like a lot of other 14 year olds in our society, low self-esteem, thinking that dressign like a little hoochy mumma will win her friends and attention.

If all else fails, speak to the Principal, perhaps you guys can have a school assembly. I went to a Catholic girls’ school and we had an assembly every year dedicated to proper dress code and how to wear our uniform, ie. our skirt had to touch the floor when we knelt, it had to have two pleats, and our shirts had to button up to our collar bones. If anyone did not adhere to these rules, they got detention. And if they were unfortunate enough to be caught out by our mistress of discipline, God help them!

And that was only back in the late 90s.

 

[StillWondering]

I am not a girl and what I have to say may not exactly be on point. I am just wondering if you compliments the more modestly dressed girls on their clothes, particularly when Jamie or another could use a reminder? I’m not suggesting this to replace direct comments to Jamie and others about the need for modesty. I think this might be a useful tool if you are already using it.

This is another experience I had, though with girls younger than 14. If I hug them and talk about something great they have done they become more encouraged. In that same conversation I would bring up one or two things I think they could improve on. Instead of seeing it as “why are you ‘bagging on me’?”, many children see it as “I’m doing so well, I can’t let this little thing trip me up now”.

Also, I’m a firm believer that kids do not know everything and in fact are not aware of many things. Thus they need to be taught. If their parents do not teach it, someone has to and it may be the wrong lesson if they learn it from the secular world. So I would definitely ask Jamie about the article at a later time or even read it with her if she is willfully against it.

Lastly, I wonder if Jamie is upset because she already feels that she is a modest girl and what Abby brought up felt like an attack on her ego. She might just not have recognized it before and now feels very embarrassed. Sometimes embarrassment in teenagers can cause them to deliberately stick to the position they are already in even after they realized they made a mistake. (Hehe, very common in adults as well ). Since you are an experienced teacher I bet this happens quite a lot. Especially cases that needs some followup adult perspective.

Thank you for your service to our young lovely children. While the parents are the primary instructors of the kids, all kids belong to God and not to us.

 

[John_Monaco]

As a senior in a public high school in CT, I experience the pinnacle of the immorality and misguidance that is found through high school students. The majority of my friends have smoked marijuana at least once, and many of them are at the top of our graduating class. Sex is even worse, where I can count of my fingers the number of virgins in my class of 2010. It’s extremely sad, however this is what gives us the motivation to live chaste lives and guide those who have fallen to a more pious path.

Anyhow, regarding talking about modesty, as a teacher, I would NOT shy away from the harsh truth. Tell the students why exactly the Church regards dressing promiscuously is wrong, and before they can give any rebuttals, affirm why dressing modest is important. Talk about how in the real world, jobs do not want to higher people who show immaturity by dressing inappropriately, and also, ask them a rhetorical question, asking if they, when they become parents, want to see the child they brought into this world dressing provocatively to impress guys, and how they would feel. End the discussion by warmly expressing your desire to help them feel more confident in dressing modesty, and honestly ask them why they would want to dress otherwise. If you receive an answer such as "Well I want people to think I’m attractive! tell them that if they don’t find themselves attractive in some way, and thus prove that by resorting to immodest clothing selections, then who else would find them attractive? Tell the girls that guys will further attempt to exploit them when they show cleavage and nothing good comes out of it.

Immodest dress is a strange phenomenon that really needs to be confronted.

 

[mariagoretti24]

Thanks so much- you’ve given me some good advice.
I plan on talking to her about this on Monday- you’ve encouraged me to not let this issue slide, but to lovingly confront it. The trick is to talk to her a way that she is lead to the correct way of thinking without me seeming to her as judgmental or threatening. Hopefully with God’s grace, I’ll be able to get her to think about her clothing more.