Tired of Being an Actress

[DoloresHeart]

I’m feeling pretty heartbroken today. This morning I was berated, mocked, and insulted, and sworn at, by my parents when I asked about what the plans were for the weekend so I could figure out what I’m supposed to do with mine. There’s nothing new about their reaction, as I’m on the receiving end of it every single day. I’m not a minor, but major circumstances prevent me from moving out.

One would think I would appreciated for being a good daughter. I’m very mature for my age, I practice my Faith, I’m attending college and working part-time. I’m responsible, studious, serious. I don’t party, stay out late (ever), drink, use drugs, run off with guys, or anything else. My weekends involve studying and working, not partying.

Apparently not in a household where emotional and verbal abuse is considered absolutely normal, acceptable, and expected. I’ve never, ever been good enough for them. Every moment they get the chance, they crush whatever little self-esteem that I had, tell me that they know I’ll probably fail my classes, and try to manipulate me and incite me to frustration and anger. They deliberately needle me most especially when I am already stressed. Worst of all, they completely dismiss me and anything I say. Basically, they treat me like a three-year-old. If I want to see or speak with my friends, which I basically have to pretend don’t exist when I’m around my parents, you’d think I would have suggested that I take a baseball bat to the neighborhood’s windows while crashing my parents’ cars.

I’m abused emotionally and verbally any time I’m feeling vulnerable. If I’m scared, or tired, or sick, or stressed, or saddened, well then, it’s time to rub salt in the wound. I do not trust them and I cannot confide in them, ever. They won’t even let me when I try to. They just mock and ignore me.

Yes, I know I need to get out of here. I’m doing everything I can to make that happen as soon as possible. I’m also trying to get counseling at my college but it’s kind of fiddly, but it’s the best I’ve got right now.

I’m just so sick of having to pretend that I’m stoic and have to use pure emotionless reason all the time. I am human, and therefore I do experience emotion, and it’s impossible to hide that fact constantly.

Thank God that I speak to my best friend every day. Such an incredible blessing, but I am so tired of the best things in my life being long-distance. Seeing each other in person isn’t possible very often. I just want a hug from the person I trust more than anyone else in this world.

And God seems so, so far away. I feel like all I can do is pray but I cannot see Him or His mother, I can’t hear them speak to me, I can’t feel their arms around me. Just another long-distance relationship, except it’s just me speaking and my faith telling me they do care and are listening. It’s especially difficult with Our Lord because while I know that He is mercy and loves me to an unfathomable depth, I just can’t feel that and I feel a tremendous unworthiness to even approach Him, given how I’ve only ever hurt Him by my sins. Yet I’m afraid that my fear of approaching Him hurts Him because He is Love. Like I said, I can never be good enough.

 

[BlueElf]

Praying for you, and to give you the strength to move out. If you’re 18+, you don’t need their permission for anything, especially if your parents are abusing you emotionally and verbally. Move out, just do it, to a college dorm, or with friends or family. Just leave. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. You don’t need or deserve that abuse. Live your life.

 

[EasterJoy]

…Every moment they get the chance, they crush whatever little self-esteem that I had, tell me that they know I’ll probably fail my classes, and try to manipulate me and incite me to frustration and anger. They deliberately needle me most especially when I am already stressed. Worst of all, they completely dismiss me and anything I say. Basically, they treat me like a three-year-old…

Do you even realize that it would be emotional child abuse to treat a 3 year old like that? (I mean unless you are unfairly characterizing how you are being treated, but I am going to assume that this is not the case, since by your account you have done nothing to attract even a necessary scolding for bad behavior.)

If you were living in a house that you found was filled with toxic mold, what would you do? Would you stick around until you could find something better?

You have been living in a toxic environment for so long that to some extent you take it for granted that you can “take it” or that a “better” person might fairly “deserve” to escape abuse while a “lesser” person might somehow merit that kind of treatment. That is a lie that you have been conditioned to hope for!! If you had a sibling who had been in and out of juvenile detention for their entire lives, that sibling would not deserve the treatment you are describing. The right to live a life free of abuse is not earned. It is a human right.

You can’t “take it,” unless you count not actually dying of exposure to the harm “taking it.” You are sustaining serious harm, harm that inflicts scars that will take a long time to heal. Trying to act as if you are not sustaining harm might keep you out of the line of some of the fire, but you must know that even if you are hidden from direct fire you are being harmed by the need to keep such constant vigilance to avoid attack.

Do not live as if sustaining one more emotional wound or breathing that toxic air for one more day is a reasonable choice. You have a lot of work to do in order to heal from the wounds you already have. You would not leave anyone else in your situation. You are an adult, not a child. You have the right to decide what your boundaries are and what kind of treatment you think is abusive. You are the person responsible for keeping yourself out of abusive situations.

Get out now.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

I’m feeling pretty heartbroken today. This morning I was berated, mocked, and insulted, and sworn at, by my parents when I asked about what the plans were for the weekend so I could figure out what I’m supposed to do with mine. There’s nothing new about their reaction, as I’m on the receiving end of it every single day. I’m not a minor, but major circumstances prevent me from moving out.

One would think I would appreciated for being a good daughter. I’m very mature for my age, I practice my Faith, I’m attending college and working part-time. I’m responsible, studious, serious. I don’t party, stay out late (ever), drink, use drugs, run off with guys, or anything else. My weekends involve studying and working, not partying.

Apparently not in a household where emotional and verbal abuse is considered absolutely normal, acceptable, and expected. I’ve never, ever been good enough for them. Every moment they get the chance, they crush whatever little self-esteem that I had, tell me that they know I’ll probably fail my classes, and try to manipulate me and incite me to frustration and anger. They deliberately needle me most especially when I am already stressed. Worst of all, they completely dismiss me and anything I say. Basically, they treat me like a three-year-old. If I want to see or speak with my friends, which I basically have to pretend don’t exist when I’m around my parents, you’d think I would have suggested that I take a baseball bat to the neighborhood’s windows while crashing my parents’ cars.

I’m abused emotionally and verbally any time I’m feeling vulnerable. If I’m scared, or tired, or sick, or stressed, or saddened, well then, it’s time to rub salt in the wound. I do not trust them and I cannot confide in them, ever. They won’t even let me when I try to. They just mock and ignore me.

Yes, I know I need to get out of here. I’m doing everything I can to make that happen as soon as possible. I’m also trying to get counseling at my college but it’s kind of fiddly, but it’s the best I’ve got right now.

I’m just so sick of having to pretend that I’m stoic and have to use pure emotionless reason all the time. I am human, and therefore I do experience emotion, and it’s impossible to hide that fact constantly.

Thank God that I speak to my best friend every day. Such an incredible blessing, but I am so tired of the best things in my life being long-distance. Seeing each other in person isn’t possible very often. I just want a hug from the person I trust more than anyone else in this world.

And God seems so, so far away. I feel like all I can do is pray but I cannot see Him or His mother, I can’t hear them speak to me, I can’t feel their arms around me. Just another long-distance relationship, except it’s just me speaking and my faith telling me they do care and are listening. It’s especially difficult with Our Lord because while I know that He is mercy and loves me to an unfathomable depth, I just can’t feel that and I feel a tremendous unworthiness to even approach Him, given how I’ve only ever hurt Him by my sins. Yet I’m afraid that my fear of approaching Him hurts Him because He is Love. Like I said, I can never be good enough.

Will be praying for you, don’t give up, and don’t make any rash decisions. One thing you could do is to stay out of their way as much as possible - spend more time at the library, taking walks in safe areas, etc. And don’t ask for their views or give your own. Keep close to God, eventually things will work out. Do you have any brothers and sisters or other relatives you could spend time with?

Linus2nd

 

[Kithri]

Dear Dolores,

I feel like I have just read a letter from my younger self in your post. I also grew up in an extremely abusive home and suffered sexual, physical, spiritual, emotional and verbal abuse and neglect. It has taken me a looooong time to heal from that abuse. I am still healing from it.

Growing up amid abuse is like growing up in a war zone, only the people that are supposed to love you the most are the ones throwing the bombs. It messes up your head, making it hard to see reality, to see the world–and yourself–they way they really are. Part of the evil that is being done to you is that it makes it hard for you to see and experience God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit the way they truly are.

But God is not going to let you go. He hears every whispered prayer, feels every single anguished tear you cry. Even if you can’t feel it now, trust my experience that this is true, and that one day you will feel the love that overflows from the heart of Jesus for you. You are His precious child, beautiful and utterly irreplaceable. He delights in you, and created you for Himself; there is only one Dolores, and you were made to reflect an aspect of Him that only you can reflect, no other, no one but you.

The time will come, and He will bind up your wounds, as he did, and does, mine.

In the meantime, if you can safely get out, do so. If you can’t, do what some of the others have said, such as spend as much time away from home as possible in the library, in a coffee shop, anywhere that is safe.

Hold the scriptures that comfort you most very close to your heart, and think of them often.
Some of the ones that got me through the years:

“A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice…” Isaiah 42:3 and Matthew 12:20

“I will never turn away anyone who comes to me.” John 6:37

I will hold you in my prayers. Please pray for me, as well.

Kithri

 

[edwest2]

I’m feeling pretty heartbroken today. This morning I was berated, mocked, and insulted, and sworn at, by my parents when I asked about what the plans were for the weekend so I could figure out what I’m supposed to do with mine. There’s nothing new about their reaction, as I’m on the receiving end of it every single day. I’m not a minor, but major circumstances prevent me from moving out.

One would think I would appreciated for being a good daughter. I’m very mature for my age, I practice my Faith, I’m attending college and working part-time. I’m responsible, studious, serious. I don’t party, stay out late (ever), drink, use drugs, run off with guys, or anything else. My weekends involve studying and working, not partying.

Apparently not in a household where emotional and verbal abuse is considered absolutely normal, acceptable, and expected. I’ve never, ever been good enough for them. Every moment they get the chance, they crush whatever little self-esteem that I had, tell me that they know I’ll probably fail my classes, and try to manipulate me and incite me to frustration and anger. They deliberately needle me most especially when I am already stressed. Worst of all, they completely dismiss me and anything I say. Basically, they treat me like a three-year-old. If I want to see or speak with my friends, which I basically have to pretend don’t exist when I’m around my parents, you’d think I would have suggested that I take a baseball bat to the neighborhood’s windows while crashing my parents’ cars.

I’m abused emotionally and verbally any time I’m feeling vulnerable. If I’m scared, or tired, or sick, or stressed, or saddened, well then, it’s time to rub salt in the wound. I do not trust them and I cannot confide in them, ever. They won’t even let me when I try to. They just mock and ignore me.

Yes, I know I need to get out of here. I’m doing everything I can to make that happen as soon as possible. I’m also trying to get counseling at my college but it’s kind of fiddly, but it’s the best I’ve got right now.

I’m just so sick of having to pretend that I’m stoic and have to use pure emotionless reason all the time. I am human, and therefore I do experience emotion, and it’s impossible to hide that fact constantly.

Thank God that I speak to my best friend every day. Such an incredible blessing, but I am so tired of the best things in my life being long-distance. Seeing each other in person isn’t possible very often. I just want a hug from the person I trust more than anyone else in this world.

And God seems so, so far away. I feel like all I can do is pray but I cannot see Him or His mother, I can’t hear them speak to me, I can’t feel their arms around me. Just another long-distance relationship, except it’s just me speaking and my faith telling me they do care and are listening. It’s especially difficult with Our Lord because while I know that He is mercy and loves me to an unfathomable depth, I just can’t feel that and I feel a tremendous unworthiness to even approach Him, given how I’ve only ever hurt Him by my sins. Yet I’m afraid that my fear of approaching Him hurts Him because He is Love. Like I said, I can never be good enough.

I have a friend who went through similar. I suggest talking to a priest. Then talking to a social worker. Perhaps your best friend can help you until you find work. Perhaps you could be roommates, depending on the situation. A friend of mine moved far away and had no friends waiting for her. She had me as her primary support, and only by phone. Her family was quite dysfunctional. You may consider delaying college until you get settled elsewhere. Then make plans, think it through, and find a job you like. Just some thoughts.

You have more strength than you know. God be with you.

God bless,
Ed

 

[oldgraymare2]

Will be praying for you, don’t give up, and don’t make any rash decisions. One thing you could do is to stay out of their way as much as possible - spend more time at the library, taking walks in safe areas, etc. And don’t ask for their views or give your own. Keep close to God, eventually things will work out. Do you have any brothers and sisters or other relatives you could spend time with?

Linus2nd

Hi Dolores,

I am so very sorry for your struggles and for your suffering at home.

I too grew up in both a verbally and physically abusive family.

When I had graduated high school and had just started college, I could only afford to live at home and go to school that way, too. I was still living at home with my abusive Mom.

It had started to take a toll on me to where I became depressed, so I went to community-based counseling services on my own. The counselor had given me advice, like poster Linus described above.

Since I couldn’t afford to move out on my own at that time, the counselor had recommended to me that I just do what I could to make myself feel better, and to go out with friends, study at the library, etc.–do anything that was positive and uplifting at all–and to not listen to the negativity that my Mom would try and dump all over me.

I had also formed study groups with several of my various classmates, and we would go over our class notes and materials together. This was also a great source of friendship and camaraderie at the time, too, as we would often spend time meeting together after classes.

I would encourage you to continue with your own counseling, and to try and do positive things for yourself, too, that help to make yourself feel better, like going out with friends, studying at the library, etc.

God absolutely loves you, and so does Our Blessed Mother.

If you can, and you have an Adoration Chapel near you, or a church that offers Holy Hours, I would recommend spending time in Adoration.

That has always helped calm and comforted me when I have felt troubled. If you can’t do that, that I would recommend just sitting quietly in church before Mass, and spending time with Our Lord, that way.

Prayers said for you, dear one.

Keep us posted as to how you are doing. ((Hugs)) to you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Hi Dolores,

I am so very sorry for your struggles and for your suffering at home.

I too grew up in both a verbally and physically abusive family.

When I had graduated high school and had just started college, I could only afford to live at home and go to school that way, too. I was still living at home with my abusive Mom.

It had started to take a toll on me to where I became depressed, so I went to community-based counseling services on my own. The counselor had given me advice, like poster Linus described above.

Since I couldn’t afford to move out on my own at that time, the counselor had recommended to me that I just do what I could to make myself feel better, and to go out with friends, study at the library, etc.–do anything that was positive and uplifting at all–and to not listen to the negativity that my Mom would try and dump all over me.

I had also formed study groups with several of my various classmates, and we would go over our class notes and materials together. This was also a great source of friendship and camaraderie at the time, too, as we would often spend time meeting together after classes.

I would encourage you to continue with your own counseling, and to try and do positive things for yourself, too, that help to make yourself feel better, like going out with friends, studying at the library, etc.

God absolutely loves you, and so does Our Blessed Mother.

If you can, and you have an Adoration Chapel near you, or a church that offers Holy Hours, I would recommend spending time in Adoration.

That has always helped calm and comforted me when I have felt troubled. If you can’t do that, that I would recommend just sitting quietly in church before Mass, and spending time with Our Lord, that way.

Prayers said for you, dear one.

Keep us posted as to how you are doing. ((Hugs)) to you.

These are all excellent suggestions, as well. If you cannot get out of a toxic environment entirely, at least spend as little time in it as possible and try to find things outside of that environment that will help you to “detox.”

 

[petra22]

Lots of us can’t imagine what you are going through. But, I can tell you that you are special and you are loved by God the Father and all of heaven more than you know. I’m offering prayers for your “detox!”

Our Father…
Hail Mary…
Glory be to the Father…