Tired of being single

[NewsTheMan]

If any girls are thinking like this, they should get their heads examined. IMHO- a woman should already know her place, a man shouldnt have to ‘show them’. And if a female cant appreciate or accept a man treating them with respect, love, or ‘like a princess’ then they have some relationship issues that may have stemmed from - I dont know what.

This speaks to me. Wow. And what Chev said rings true, from my own experience. Let me give you background.

I dated a girl for 6 months. I was pretty much amazing to her (if I do say so myself). Spontaneous flower deliveries, champagne breakfast in bed, surprise dinners, bought her family christmas gifts (and let her choose what she wanted in a jewellery shop), I stopped drinking, smoking and got back into shape, if she was scared to walk home from the library at night id walk the 2km there just to escort her 400metres to her house. I really did my best. I’m intelligent, strong, fit, disciplined. I let her have her girls nights, I wouldn’t give her trouble for coming to my house 4am in the morning and vomiting everywhere from being drunk.

How long did my relationship last? Well, 3 good months, and 3 bad months, and then it ended. Which is something I will never understand.

Her previous boyfriend and her dated for 3 years. What was he like? Well. He’s 23 and still in his second year of college, he used to go to her house drunk and urinate in her bed and floor as a joke, he took drugs all the time and threatened her with knives, once smashed all the windows in her house, cheated on her numerous times and begged for “threesomes”, etc etc. And they lasted three years. I lasted 6 months.

I will never understand what happened, or why a woman can completely reject nice, loving, kind behaviour. When I told my friends (non-religious) what happened and stuff, the response was “Dude, you treated her too nice, you gotta let a girl know who is boss” or “you must train your woman”. To this day I don’t know if I will ever actually get myself into another relationship, because I’m actually scared of being taken advantage of, and of once again just being a nice person. I try put it down to her past, but I am never sure. I mean… she doesn’t know her dad but calls her step dad her dad, her aunt and grandmother are both on about their 6th marriage. I just don’t know.

It does seem that unless you “teach a women” you are just gonna get absolutely screwed

 

[NewsTheMan]

Oh, thought i’d add, that I didn’t just pick this girl up off the street!

Everybody had told me before I was deciding whether or not to persue her that she was such a lovely girl, she is an honours student, doesn’t sleep around, so nice, I was so lucky to have her etc etc etc. Thought I’d add that, just in case you think I found her in some dump

 

[chevalier]

If any girls are thinking like this, they should get their heads examined. IMHO- a woman should already know her place, a man shouldnt have to ‘show them’. And if a female cant appreciate or accept a man treating them with respect, love, or ‘like a princess’ then they have some relationship issues that may have stemmed from - I dont know what.

Oh, just for the sake of clarity, I was only using certain metaphors. Whatever has “princess” in it, sounds shallow, say, well, we know what we’re talking about, obviously, judging by your response.

Where the issues from? Probably childhood or past abusive relationships, but there’s also that people’s upbringing involves less and less quality time, less and less responsibility, less and less “judgement” from parents, more and more permissive or liberal approaches and the result is that perspective is skewed (self-centred, even in a good person) and the notion of accountability is distorted. In such circumstances, all sorts of bad boy archetypes gain prominence as first of all the social non-acceptance of their traits is gone. Or maybe I’m kidding myself, after all, every era comes with its own problems (tolerance of household violence and male infidelity being a long-standing one that toppled only some time ago).

I suppose uncertainty, danger and some such related factors provide a certain thrill that can’t be obtained from a normal person (primarily because it won’t be sought or won’t be noticed, anyway). Or it may be a Polish thing to some extent, I don’t know. It’s been discussed in our literature from the 19th century. One of our writers, an impoverished nobleman, so someone who must’ve gone through courtesy training and later “seen some”, used such strong words, they send a chill down one’s spine even in 21st century.

I know myself, I had been in abusive relationships, and if a guy WASNT mean to me, or jealous of me, then I felt like it wasnt real. I felt like, if he wasnt jealous, then he didnt care. I felt like if we didnt fight all the time, it wasn’t a ‘real’ relationship.

I tend to think “crude advances” play a similar role in most cases. That is, no base innuendo… no relationship potential. (Polite innuendo doesn’t do it because it gets to look courteous and romantic, i.e. FRI3ND!!!111one.)

How frekn backwards is that??? Could it be because in my life all the women around me, including my Mom have all been in abusive relationships, so that is what I know them to be and true?

I’m suspecting myself of Femme Fatale Syndrome (the version where you pursue one, not are one ).

Lucky for me I found a man who changed my outlook. Real love is NOT pain and jealousy…real love is supportive & thoughtful. Her loss, IMHO.

Congrats!

My father, who doesn’t mince words that much any more, would probably call those relationships sado-masochistic arrangements. I kinda tend to agree with him. Pain prevents boredom because something’s going on and prevents the impression of shallowness of the relationship. Mutual or even unilateral hurts and offences create a bond. The chemistry works like Stockholm Syndrome (where victims of kidnappers bond with their captors). What else? Maybe some addiction mechanics, say, psychic addiction, or downright addiction to certain substances that get released to the system on certain occasions.

 

[chevalier]

Chevalier–I thought your post about passing a flower stall was really sweet.

Thank you. :tiphat:

That is just the feeling I meant about feeling lonely or like something is missing when I am cooking.

Last summer I started growing vegetables in containers and pots on my balcony. This year I am doing the same thing. Every day I come home from work and look outside and it is fun to see how much the plants have grown. And even though it is early some of my strawberry plants have flowers on them. It is the little daily joys like that when I wish I had someone to share those moments with.

That sounds lovely! It’s such a pity you don’t have the someone to share it with. I don’t know what to say except it’s heart-wrenching.

I know I need to get out more but it is challenging. My job has demanding hours. And a lot of the activities I enjoy, like cycling and kayaking are sports that are often done solo.

I have a problem going out too. It doesn’t mean I’m shy or don’t have the ability. In fact, I can mingle, no problem speaking in public or in court… I just, well, going out somewhere seems like questionable expenditure that needs to be scrutinised and generally likely isn’t worth it, plus, it may bring pain, e.g.:

Pub with friends: great;
Pub with strangers: mhmm…;
Pub alone: what the? no way, I’m staying in;
Dancing club: do I really want to see more action by women who can’t respect themselves (I’m speaking with sadness, not with disdain), do I really want to risk that I will finally give in to the atmosphere somewhat and execute some of the suggestive moves on my own too, do I really want to deal with women who have boyfriends but still come to parties, do I want to deal with “packs”? Can I have some paracetamol, please?
Social gathering that consists in talking: oh no, do I want to risk that it will turn boring and I will have to sit through it? what if I have to deliver another 1v5 debate because there will be a intolerable position demanding action?
Libraries etc.: I don’t hang out, I grab my books and leave;
Organisations: oh no, there will be peer authority, elections, power games and I will be expected to follow rules and patterns that could be smarter, and spend time watching immature behaviours.

Sorry for sounding like a jerk. This is a bit of a caricature.

My current job is translation e-business. I’m trying to land some interpretation jobs to go out some, even though translation pays better as a rule.

 

[chevalier]

(Apologies to any minds tried from another chev post in a row. )

This speaks to me. Wow. And what Chev said rings true, from my own experience. Let me give you background.

I dated a girl for 6 months. I was pretty much amazing to her (if I do say so myself). Spontaneous flower deliveries, champagne breakfast in bed, surprise dinners, bought her family christmas gifts (and let her choose what she wanted in a jewellery shop), I stopped drinking, smoking and got back into shape, if she was scared to walk home from the library at night id walk the 2km there just to escort her 400metres to her house. I really did my best. I’m intelligent, strong, fit, disciplined. I let her have her girls nights, I wouldn’t give her trouble for coming to my house 4am in the morning and vomiting everywhere from being drunk.

Well, do it all because it’s your heart’s need, not because it *should *score with a girl, should the latter thought come to your mind. Don’t allow her to walk over you (where your courtesies switch from gentleman to butler), don’t abide behaviours that are harmful and/or otherwise immoral.

How long did my relationship last? Well, 3 good months, and 3 bad months, and then it ended. Which is something I will never understand.

There’s only so long a charming impression will last. People get tired and either revert to their true selves or fall back on their stress-handling patterns (which may well be reversals of their normal personality).

Her previous boyfriend and her dated for 3 years. What was he like? Well. He’s 23 and still in his second year of college, he used to go to her house drunk and urinate in her bed and floor as a joke, he took drugs all the time and threatened her with knives, once smashed all the windows in her house, cheated on her numerous times and begged for “threesomes”, etc etc. And they lasted three years. I lasted 6 months.

I’d say she’s suffered thorough damage and she probably needs professional help. If you and she had lasted three years, who knows, maybe you’d end up in the same place she’s now. Poor girl. But doesn’t mean you have to destroy your life.

I will never understand what happened, or why a woman can completely reject nice, loving, kind behaviour. When I told my friends (non-religious) what happened and stuff, the response was “Dude, you treated her too nice, you gotta let a girl know who is boss” or “you must train your woman”.

Rubbish!

To this day I don’t know if I will ever actually get myself into another relationship, because I’m actually scared of being taken advantage of, and of once again just being a nice person. I try put it down to her past, but I am never sure. I mean… she doesn’t know her dad but calls her step dad her dad, her aunt and grandmother are both on about their 6th marriage. I just don’t know.

If people were to judge by family affairs, I would never cease to be single.

It does seem that unless you “teach a women” you are just gonna get absolutely screwed

I would have one that had been taught by her parents and teachers. I can deliver the teaching too, but then how am I supposed to regard her any more as an equal partner? Sure, if I were to meet a very good and kind person deranged as a result of bad past experience, I could “teach her”, acting as if an older brother or something, but otherwise I’d feel like hitting on my own student and teachers should stick with teachers.

Oh, thought i’d add, that I didn’t just pick this girl up off the street!

Everybody had told me before I was deciding whether or not to persue her that she was such a lovely girl, she is an honours student, doesn’t sleep around, so nice, I was so lucky to have her etc etc etc. Thought I’d add that, just in case you think I found her in some dump

I met Miss Almost in an academic/social setting.

 

[NewsTheMan]

Hmmm.

I mean, its easy to look at that and say oh you were just a butler and got walked all over. No, I’m still a strong person, which is one of the reasons it ended, cos I thought it was getting ridiculous. But while I’m someones boyfriend, I’m gonna do that job to the best of my ability. I don’t see it as trying to charm or trying to create an illusion or anything. I understand people will always revert to who they are. But thats cos they aren’t upfront about who they are. I think I was. I said from the start, I’m gonna treat you good, but I’m also stubborn, I can get into bad moods but never take them out on you, I am obsessed with cleaning, etc etc.

As I say, its confusing, and difficult to try approach things with a clear, good and Godly heart. I suppose it is easy for secular people because well… moral relativism, selfishness, etc.

 

[chevalier]

My point is that it’s different when you’re a gentleman and when you’re a butler. As a gentleman you do all the things, too, but as a butler, you do them as if you were paid or enslaved to them, i.e. as if it were your job. Being an “escort” (yes, I know) is different from being a personal servant, you know, someone who’d follow her just to be able to open her doors, pour her drinks, carry her stuff etc. A gentleman serves but is not servile. Some guys mistake the two. Not saying you do.