Tired of being told pornography is normal

[CroCatholic]

I’m due with #5 in January and have been frequenting Babycenter.com since I was pregnant with #1. They have birth boards where moms that are due in the same month can ask questions and voice concerns, etc.

On every single birth board I’ve participated in, the topic of pornography comes up. This is the formula: Wife/fiancee/girlfriend has problem with husband/fiance/boyfriend watching porn either openly or secretively.

Then follows the onslaught of “get over it, it’s totally natural” or “at least he’s not cheating”. Equally as ridiculous “at least he leaves you alone for a while”.

There are always about four of us ladies who explain that our husbands don’t use or watch that smut and that the OP shouldn’t settl if she’s of the opinion that it’s detrimental to their relationship. We’re then labeled as naive, told that our husbands are secretly watching it and we’re just dumber than a sack of hammers and haven’t figured it out yet.

I’ve also mentioned that I’m morally opposed to it not just because it’s bad for marriages but because it’s exploiting the young men and women who “act” in these movies. If I wouldn’t want my own child involved in that type of behaviour, I most certainly wouldn’t support an industry that leads other people’s children (grown or not) astray.

I can deal with the “attacks” made on me because I’m secure in my marriage and know what type if man my husband is. I am really bothered when they tell the poor woman that she should just forget about it or if they make her feel like she’s the one with the problem.

Any advice or different points I haven’t addressed for the next time this topic comes up? I just feel like I have a duty to support these ladies but we’re always facing huge opposition.

Thanks a bunch!

 

[FullOfThought]

I know what I am about to say will get negavite responses but I’m strong enough in my convictions to handle it.

I lived in the UK for 10years and pornography is a lot more accepted and tolerated then in the USA, I have had this conversation with girls from the UK that I grew up with and they truly believe that all men do this, it wasn’t until I came to the Catholic Church in the USA that I was shown differently.

I love my friends in the UK and it saddens me deeply that they believe these things.

Babycenter is huge in the UK and that’s why I bring this up, it is a cultural tolerance that you’re battling and not just a few select opinions. Keep on with your positive influence, you’ve know idea how much good you’re doing!

 

[LittleFlower378]

Pornography destroys people, period. Those images and the way you look at the opposite sex can be mangled long after you have given up pornography. It takes you away from having a pure heart. The people who are having children should especially give this up since they want to set a good example in their family.

 

[The_Bucket]

My perspective is that it is not good, moral or “normal” in terms of how our sexuality is supposed to be. That does not mean, however, that it is not widespread and that it has been widespread in some fashion for a long, long time. Just look at the number of threads on the subject and the number of CAF members in the group related to this struggle. It is pervasive and frankly it has always been pervasive; it’s just now that we’re basically giving up on trying to admonish anyone about it as a society.

As a man I know firsthand how terrible it can be on marriages and how it can truly become addictive. That’s where it becomes a horrible problem for everyone. I don’t mean to belittle a terrible sin, but there are people out there that can watch a bit here and there and not have it totally warp their minds, just like some people can have more than a few drinks from time to time but not become alcoholics.

It’s still grave sin, but it’s not totally obliterating your soul and destroying your ability to function as a human being. Maybe that’s what others will settle for as “normal.” But being preserved from addiction and only slightly de-sensitized towards what would generally be construed as disturbing sexual behavior within a marriage is not what God calls us to settle for as Christians and specifically as Catholics.

So will all men be exposed to pornography at one point in their lives? Probably. Have all men committed other sins of impurity? No, but likely a vast, vast majority. Does that mean they engage in either of those sins all the time or that such behavior should be tolerated? No and no.

Men are extremely visual and sexual creatures. It is the easiest path for the devil to ensnare us. The way society is we will probably all see something at some point in our lives, even if unintentionally. It is our responsibility to reject that sin and to truly amend our lives if we fall down.

 

[Waiting]

Trying to coax someone away from pornography is like trying to pull someone out of quicksand. It’s not going to work with persuasion or threats. The desire to stop has to come from the person addicted to pornography. As Jesus said, some things require fasting and prayer. My suggestion would be to sacrifice something meaningful to you to the Lord, as an offering for the favor being asked, and then pray as intensely as possible for that intention. Masses, rosaries, novenas, etc. are all worthy forms of prayer, as is a sincere, heartfelt petition. Nothing else will stir an addict, unless the source of the addiction is completely removed. That’s all but impossible in the case of pornography. Good luck and God bless.

 

[CroCatholic]

I can’t really address her significant other’s behaviour, all I want to do is make sure that she knows that she doesn’t have to suffer in silence or feel like she’s overreacting. Some women went so far as to tell her she’s probably insecure about the way she looks and that’s what the real issue is, not pornography.

I’m hoping to be the voice of reason so she doesn’t feel like she should give up. I’m looking for a point or a rebuttal that will help sway her in the right direction.

Thanks!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My perspective is that it is not good, moral or “normal” in terms of how our sexuality is supposed to be. That does not mean, however, that it is not widespread and that it has been widespread in some fashion for a long, long time. Just look at the number of threads on the subject and the number of CAF members in the group related to this struggle. It is pervasive and frankly it has always been pervasive; it’s just now that we’re basically giving up on trying to admonish anyone about it as a society.

As a man I know firsthand how terrible it can be on marriages and how it can truly become addictive. That’s where it becomes a horrible problem for everyone.** I don’t mean to belittle a terrible sin, but there are people out there that can watch a bit here and there and not have it totally warp their minds, just like some people can have more than a few drinks from time to time but not become alcoholics. **

It’s still grave sin, but it’s not totally obliterating your soul and destroying your ability to function as a human being. Maybe that’s what others will settle for as “normal.” But being preserved from addiction and only slightly de-sensitized towards what would generally be construed as disturbing sexual behavior within a marriage is not what God calls us to settle for as Christians and specifically as Catholics.

So will all men be exposed to pornography at one point in their lives? Probably. Have all men committed other sins of impurity? No, but likely a vast, vast majority. Does that mean they engage in either of those sins all the time or that such behavior should be tolerated? No and no.

Men are extremely visual and sexual creatures. It is the easiest path for the devil to ensnare us. The way society is we will probably all see something at some point in our lives, even if unintentionally. It is our responsibility to reject that sin and to truly amend our lives if we fall down.

Here’s the problem with your statement. The people MAKING the porn are still engaged in terrible sin and in personal destruction. So even if your hypothetical non-addicted male can walk away after a few minutes of viewing, WITHOUT masturbating, he has still viewed something that has been created in sin. I actually don’t believe such men exist, BTW, unless there is something amiss in their libido. Porn is designed to arouse, and arousal is for sex between 2 people, a man and his wife, not between you and your hand.

As for the OP, you are not going to be able to do much on a public forum. PM the person and offer your prayers, and remind her that she is not crazy and that this is a serious betrayal of her marriage vows. Other than that, you are going to have a hard time fighting the culture.

 

[The_Bucket]

Here’s the problem with your statement. The people MAKING the porn are still engaged in terrible sin and in personal destruction. So even if your hypothetical non-addicted male can walk away after a few minutes of viewing, WITHOUT masturbating, he has still viewed something that has been created in sin. I actually don’t believe such men exist, BTW, unless there is something amiss in their libido. Porn is designed to arouse, and arousal is for sex between 2 people, a man and his wife, not between you and your hand.

As for the OP, you are not going to be able to do much on a public forum. PM the person and offer your prayers, and remind her that she is not crazy and that this is a serious betrayal of her marriage vows. Other than that, you are going to have a hard time fighting the culture.

I’m not belittling the situation. I’m just talking about the reality of the world as it is. I’m not saying we should accept it, but I am saying that exposure is the reality.

As for the watching for a little while, I’m saying that there are men out there who can watch, engage in self-abuse and then drop it forever if their wives protest too much. They don’t get hooked just like some people don’t get hooked on drugs or booze even if they’ve had a few benders in their lives. That’s far from advocating for them to do that, I’m just saying how it is.

Of course, since porn is not only gravely immoral but can be quite addictive, I’d always advocate to stay the hell away. As I said, I personally well know how destructive it can be and have seen in others how it can lead to progressively darker and darker behaviors.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

When you run into the people saying there’s nothing wrong with it, ask them if they think it’s okay that their husbands are fantasizing about these other women while having sex with them. Because, whether they admit to it or not, that’s what’s going on. Ask them if they ever wonder what they’re lacking that causes their husbands to seek out these other women. That may not be their husband’s motivation, but once you plant that seed it’s hard to uproot it. You may not sway too many and probably won’t get instant results, but it could change some minds down the road. Plus, if you stay strong in your convictions, it could give other women who feel the same way the courage to speak up.

 

[bmaj]

I can’t really address her significant other’s behaviour, all I want to do is make sure that she knows that she doesn’t have to suffer in silence or feel like she’s overreacting. Some women went so far as to tell her she’s probably insecure about the way she looks and that’s what the real issue is, not pornography.

I’m hoping to be the voice of reason so she doesn’t feel like she should give up. I’m looking for a point or a rebuttal that will help sway her in the right direction.

Thanks!

Please feel free to tell any of the women you speak with that they are welcome to join the women’s support group here at CAF called “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” It deals specifically with the issue of women who have husbands/boyfriends with the pornography habit. It should never be accepted in a marriage just because many say “all men do it.” All men DON"T do it, but those who do are truly hurting themselves, their wives, their families, and their marriages.

Prayers for anyone going through this. Satan has been very successful at winning over way too many souls through porn. We all need to work against this evil in whatever way is possible - and not just “accept it.” Our Lord, St. Monica, and St. Michael will help, but we have to ask, pray, and work to eradicate it.

 

[PaulGH]

I don’t really have any advice for you other than please keep doing what you are doing – it sounds like you are being a great witness to the evils of pornography.

But mainly I just want to express my frustration and surprise at this attitude you are encountering from women that porn use by their husbands is normal and no big deal. I would expect that attitude from many men, because of course it is easier to convince oneself that porn is no big deal than it is to quit using porn. But I am very disappointed to hear that this attitude is so widespread among women.

 

[L_piperatus]

Sooner or later someone is going to suggest to that poor woman that she has “personal issues” if she is bothered by her husband watching porn, and that she is the one who “needs professional help”, from a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist.

The world around us is all messed up. But woe to those who call evil good, and good evil!

 

[The_Bucket]

Sooner or later someone is going to suggest to that poor woman that she has “personal issues” if she is bothered by her husband watching porn, and that she is the one who “needs professional help”, from a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist.

The world around us is all messed up. But woe to those who call evil good, and good evil!

Pretty sure this is has happened before, which is quite sad. In the cases of most marriages of a religious nature, the wife’s despondency has nothing to do with self-image and everything to do with hatred of the sin in which her husband is engaging. Of course, then there are cases where the use of porn has progressed to addiction and caused across-the-board behavioral changes and that’s even worse.

 

[CroCatholic]

I’m going to send her a private message. In your opinion, would it to be too intrusive (or would it backfire) to ask if she has a particular religious affiliation? I don’t want her to think that I’m only extending support in hopes of converting her…

 

[FullOfThought]

Can you see what country she lives in? If it’s the UK or Ireland I wouldn’t if it’s USA then I would!

 

[Blue_Horizon]

I can’t really address her significant other’s behaviour, all I want to do is make sure that she knows that she doesn’t have to suffer in silence or feel like she’s overreacting. Some women went so far as to tell her she’s probably insecure about the way she looks and that’s what the real issue is, not pornography.

I’m hoping to be the voice of reason so she doesn’t feel like she should give up. I’m looking for a point or a rebuttal that will help sway her in the right direction.

Thanks!

CroCath
Chastity (I am a male) is difficult enough to achieve within the Catholic/Christian community - let alone expect it to be practised, desired or even understood by society at large. It is a little naiive to expect the world at large to understand/believe your/our values and practises.

But I am certainly not saying you should stay silent in the face of someone, who may not be a Christian, but who intuitively shares those values.

You have done exactly the right thing, you have shown her that there are people in her circle who do not go along with “the norm”. Whether you get shouted down or ridiculed does not matter. Stay calm and humble and do not feel shame-faced at all. You come from a community, though small, that has a different experience and have every right to present it.

“Well you have every right to your opinion and experience as I have to mine” may be a polite but strong ending line.

I would not openly approach engage the expectant mothers who have voiced concern re their partners - your strong witness will be enough to attract them to start such a conversation if they wish.

These are your values and, from what I can tell, also those of your husband. They are also my values and practice (I cannot say I have 100.00% practised same in my younger married days because porn is extremely invasive these days despite our best intentions as others have said).

I would also say that partner porn addiction may be a sign of a shallow relationship or one that needs some serious maintenance - especially if it continues after one’s wife has expressed concerns on the matter.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Something else to possibly bring up is how that porn use is going to look to the child in a few years. “But we’re careful and they’ll never find out.” Riiiiiiight. Because kids never snoop and can’t ever figure out their parents’ favorite hiding spots. Another thing to keep in mind is, regardless of how comfortable a wife may feel letting her porn-abusing husband spend alone time with their daughter and her friends, the parents’ friends who know about his/their porn use (since over-sharing is so common these days) may not share that same comfort level. I can think of two close friends off the top of my head who I would never allow to spend alone time with my girls because of their porn use and comments they’ve made about it, and one acquaintance I wouldn’t want to even meet my daughters. It mat sound harsh and even crass, but these are points the media ignores in most pornography discussions.

 

[FurtherSuntime]

Hey…guys that look at porn are flakes because they know deep down they don’t measure up and can’t attract women…so all they can do is pretend their entire life. If it wasn’t the computer it would be all the school girls on the subway…plain and simple.

I have three sisters who are married and if I got a phone call from one of them I would tell her to say this…

Just because nobody thinks you measure up… pretending won’t change it.

( theres no room for flaky answers when dealing with a first rate flake:thumbsup:

 

[Patavium]

Pornography was the door that lead me to other worse sexual sins that almost ended my life. It is time we took pornography seriously.

 

[FurtherSuntime]

Pornography was the door that lead me to other worse sexual sins that almost ended my life. It is time we took pornography seriously.

Taking porn seriously is the problem…saying no is the problem…there shouldn’t be a question…

They are a bunch of diseased out , stressed out, foul mouthed loosers that act and probably stink like bears…ever get within 35 feet of a bear ?

I checked it out for about 10 min when I got high speed about 2 yrs ago to see what the **** was going on with all the talking…what a pile of ****.

If a guy wants to appreciate or see nice girls which is normal…then check out anything where they are talking like sports or even beauty pageants with the cute goofy answers…at least they act human… this gravitation toward a bunch of stinking slobs is ridiculous…