Tired of failing as a Christian, person, at my job

[EIF5A]

It’s Holy Week, and I am anything but holy. And I don’t really desire anything spiritual or holy.

No matter what I do, try, or pray, I am still the selfish, conceited, self-centered person. Actions can be controlled. Thoughts cannot. And these thoughts arise are because of my sins but I don’t want them. But I am judged for them anyways.

It’s a no-win situation.

There’s no desire for prayer. I barely got through the Rosary yesterday with deadened feelings. Probably not going to attempt today.

What’s the point of memorized prayers? It’s become so mundane, there’s no sentiment behind them at all. I just say them because I made a determination to say such-and-such prayers daily.

It’s been two years since my confirmation as a Catholic. I’ve made no progress.

Everything I’ve tried ends in failure.

Just so sick of failing and God doesn’t seem to care.

Why would He? There are 7 billion people are on, many dying of hunger and disease.

All of this is evidence that perhaps my purpose in life is to fail but not complain and be patient.

Clearly I fail at this mission too.

I don’t think this is a period of spiritual dryness. That assumes a soul has made some progress for it to even be tempted with dryness.

There’s Mass at 7 tonight and now I’m stressing about whether to go or not. I should but this storm of despair, resentment, and darkness is not letting me go.

Of all the days for this to happen, why the Triduum?

 

[Bonnie]

Something that has kept me going is this quote from Reverend Rollo M. Boas, an Anglican priest:

“If you remove your body from the truth, when you are ready the truth is nowhere to be found. But if you continue to bring your body to the truth, then when you are ready the truth is waiting there for you.”

Hope it helps.

 

[ClearWater]

Maybe it would help to read visions of the saints on purgatory, heaven and hell.

Also, to read promises made by the Blessed Virgin Mary for those who persist in the rosary.

themostholyrosary.com/15promises.htm

 

[Irishmom2]

It’s Holy Week, and I am anything but holy. And I don’t really desire anything spiritual or holy.

No matter what I do, try, or pray, I am still the selfish, conceited, self-centered person. Actions can be controlled. Thoughts cannot. And these thoughts arise are because of my sins but I don’t want them. But I am judged for them anyways.

Judged by who? By others? It is not their place to do so, so don’t worry about them. By yourself? Then vow to change, but do not be hard on yourself when you fail. Go to confession and begin again. Each confession brings the promise of doing better. Judged by God? No, God is not judging you in confession, he is calling you to something better. He loves you and wants you to come to Him.
It’s a no-win situation.

There’s no desire for prayer. I barely got through the Rosary yesterday with deadened feelings. Probably not going to attempt today.

What’s the point of memorized prayers? It’s become so mundane, there’s no sentiment behind them at all. I just say them because I made a determination to say such-and-such prayers daily.

You are not obligated to say the Rosary. It is not a requirement. As for memorized prayer, if it is not working for you, stop doing that for a while. But don’t stop talking to God, because that’s what prayer is: a conversation with God. But it’s not a monologue either. You shouldn’t just keep talking. Sometimes, you have to be still, and listen for God’s voice. Visit church when it is open if you can and just be there. Say a prayer and then just wait.

It’s been two years since my confirmation as a Catholic. I’ve made no progress.

Yes, you have. You are still here, and you still are desiring more. That is progress.

Everything I’ve tried ends in failure.

Just so sick of failing and God doesn’t seem to care.

Why would you say that? God cares for you more than anyone on this earth ever will! But He is not going to wave a magic wand and fix you. You have to make the effort. And if you are trying and failing, maybe you need to do something different. Make an appointment with your priest and ask for his advice.

Why would He? There are 7 billion people are on, many dying of hunger and disease.

God loves every one of those 7 billion! Isn’t that astounding? You are one in 7 billion and you are loved the same.

All of this is evidence that perhaps my purpose in life is to fail but not complain and be patient.

Your purpose may be to **humble yourself **and not complain or be selfish, conceited, or self centered. To put it mildly, it’s not always about you…Do you reach out to help others? Do you offer help or volunteer where needed? Put yourself second. Pray for others instead of just for yourself.

Clearly I fail at this mission too.

I don’t think this is a period of spiritual dryness. That assumes a soul has made some progress for it to even be tempted with dryness.

There’s Mass at 7 tonight and now I’m stressing about whether to go or not. I should but this storm of despair, resentment, and darkness is not letting me go.

Go. Just be there. It’s not about **you. Stop thinking you go to mass for you. Go for God.

**
Of all the days for this to happen, why the Triduum?

Perhaps because God is calling you to share in His pain. Perhaps He is calling you to come closer to Him.

Just go. It’s not about you.

I wish you a blessed and peaceful Easter, ElF5A.

 

[pianistclare]

It’s Holy Week, and I am anything but holy. And I don’t really desire anything spiritual or holy.

No matter what I do, try, or pray, I am still the selfish, conceited, self-centered person. Actions can be controlled. Thoughts cannot. And these thoughts arise are because of my sins but I don’t want them. But I am judged for them anyways.

It’s a no-win situation.

There’s no desire for prayer. I barely got through the Rosary yesterday with deadened feelings. Probably not going to attempt today.

What’s the point of memorized prayers? It’s become so mundane, there’s no sentiment behind them at all. I just say them because I made a determination to say such-and-such prayers daily.

It’s been two years since my confirmation as a Catholic. I’ve made no progress.

Everything I’ve tried ends in failure.

Just so sick of failing and God doesn’t seem to care.

Why would He? There are 7 billion people are on, many dying of hunger and disease.

All of this is evidence that perhaps my purpose in life is to fail but not complain and be patient.

Clearly I fail at this mission too.

I don’t think this is a period of spiritual dryness. That assumes a soul has made some progress for it to even be tempted with dryness.

There’s Mass at 7 tonight and now I’m stressing about whether to go or not. I should but this storm of despair, resentment, and darkness is not letting me go.

Of all the days for this to happen, why the Triduum?

If you are struggling in faith, you ABSOLUTELY should go.
Tonight is a big night in salvation history.
GO.
Receive Him who loves you beyond measure.
Trust God. YOU personally are not going to save the world. But He is.
If you are not in s a state of grace, make an act of spiritual communion and go anyway.
Be at peace.

An Act of
Spiritual
Communion

My Jesus,
I believe that You
are present in the Most Holy Sacrament.
I love You above all things,
and I desire to receive You into my soul.
Since I cannot at this moment
receive You sacramentally,
come at least spiritually into my heart. I embrace You as if You were already there and unite myself wholly to You. Never permit me to be separated from You.
Amen.

 

[ColleenEH]

Ah, your question “Why the Triduum” makes me reply “Of course the Triduum!” These three days make manifest to us God’s infinite mercy. He- God Almighty- deigned to die as a criminal out of love for us. We are all “failing” in some way, in the sense that we are all imperfect beings who could never merit God’s love for us. But God overlooks that; all he wants is to be close to us. He wants us to love him, that’s all he asks in return.

I think the mere fact that you are distressed about “failing” means that you desperately want to please Him.

I would suggest to dispense with the Rosary for a bit. Instead, just communicate to God your anxieties, fears, disputes, needs, hopes…completely informally and without holding anything back.

Also, I recommend the Chaplet of Divine Mercy- it uses the Rosary beads but is much shorter. And if you haven’t read any of St. Faustina’s Divine Mercy In My Soul, perhaps do a Google search for the main passages? I fine it incredibly comforting.

Life is a looooooooong journey. I have 30+ years as a cradle Catholic and I feel like there’s just now a “lightbulb” going off in my head that’s slowly getting brighter. Don’t discourage! Praying for you.

 

[Latias]

It’s Holy Week, and I am anything but holy. And I don’t really desire anything spiritual or holy.

No matter what I do, try, or pray, I am still the selfish, conceited, self-centered person. Actions can be controlled. Thoughts cannot. And these thoughts arise are because of my sins but I don’t want them. But I am judged for them anyways.

It’s a no-win situation.

There’s no desire for prayer. I barely got through the Rosary yesterday with deadened feelings. Probably not going to attempt today.

What’s the point of memorized prayers? It’s become so mundane, there’s no sentiment behind them at all. I just say them because I made a determination to say such-and-such prayers daily.

It’s been two years since my confirmation as a Catholic. I’ve made no progress.

Everything I’ve tried ends in failure.

Just so sick of failing and God doesn’t seem to care.

Why would He? There are 7 billion people are on, many dying of hunger and disease.

…]
I don’t think this is a period of spiritual dryness. That assumes a soul has made some progress for it to even be tempted with dryness.

There’s Mass at 7 tonight and now I’m stressing about whether to go or not. I should but this storm of despair, resentment, and darkness is not letting me go.

Of all the days for this to happen, why the Triduum?

To whatever extent possible, you should focus less on yourself and more on others. Perhaps, you may have been aggrieved in such a way that it would be different to pay attention to the concerns of others. But as I said, do it to the best extent possible, even if it is limited.

As for my Catholicism, I am way past your point of despair, and I failed whatever spiritual test I encountered. I don’t even pray anymore. I have been confirmed a little less than four years ago.

All of this is evidence that perhaps my purpose in life is to fail but not complain and be patient.

Clearly I fail at this mission too.

This may sound as no consolation. Perhaps, it is your purpose in life is to fail. You may be detested by others for the wrong reasons, but if you act nobly and compassionately, despite failure, you will still be an honorable person.

There are many who have not experienced a glorious victory (in this life), but who are nevertheless noble people.

Take for instance the case of Vice Admiral Takeo Kurita. He was ordered to attack the naval landings at Leyte Gulf with a massive battleship force, including the Yamato and Musashi. While venturing to his objective, Leyte Gulf, his fleet was attacked by submarines off Palawan, and his flagship, the Atago, sank, and he had to be plucked from the water. His fleet was attacked in the Sibuyan Sea by hundreds of American planes, and there, the 60,000 ton battleship Musashi sank. He manged to continue on to attempt to reach his objective, and managed to pass through the San Bernardino Strait unopposed during the night. On the morning of October 25th, he encountered America ships, destroyers and escort carriers, who valiantly fought his fleet using their superior fire control systems, evasive maneuvers, and torpedo attacks. After two hours and seeing his some of his cruisers sunk in that engagement, and unable to establish contact with Vice Admirals Kiyohide Shima and Shoji Nishimura who were supposed to attack Leyte Gulf from the south through the Surigao Strait, he realized that his fleet was alone and he feared that American aircraft carriers who be able to attack his fleet, which had no air cover. Realizing his tenuous strategic situation, he decided to retire through the San Bernardino Strait.

After the war, he lived in poverty in a wood and paper shack on the suburbs of Tokyo. He lived with his family, worked menial jobs, and almost never complained or discussed the war or politics with anyone. He was an avuncular father. He enjoyed some of the sundry pleasures of life, such as watching sumo wrestling and baseball on television. He was a prodigious drinker preferring whiskey and sake.

Shortly before his death, even though he gave evasive reasons for his retreat, he confessed to a hometown crony that he simply couldn’t bear losing tens of thousands of his sailors by having his fleet destroyed. He didn’t seem to justify his actions; he said that he simply couldn’t bear it.

From Sea of Thunder:

Takeo Kurita is harder to judge. Defying an order and possibly embracing a bogus excuse to justify his actions are grave acts in any military. Kurita could not admit until the end of his life, and then privately and to an old hometown crony, that he acted to save lives. But given Japanese wartime culture, Kurita’s decision to turn around, to sail away from Leyte Gulf, was brave. The expected step would be die pointlessly, but gloriously. In truth, Kurita represented a better Japan, before (and fortunately after) the insane militarists tried to turn a nation of 70 million people into a “shattered gem”.

Still, he failed. He failed to secure a decisive victory for the Japanese, but he made a decision, however controversial, to deal with a situation of defeat. But he was a man who valued the lives of sailors and had the moral fortitude resist the imperative to sacrifice their lives in vain. That account, to me, affirms the value of life and general human compassion.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Praying for your soul…

 

[EIF5A]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I’ve had these thoughts before, and after they passed, I thought I would never have them again.

There have been moments of wondering why people choose suicide. Though I have not contemplated it to actually commit it, the thought has crossed my mind.

I see God as constantly being angry and upset at me, and though there are sins I willingly commit that I have no excuse for, there are things beyond my control and I see God judging me for even those. And perhaps sending failure after failure as punishment. And I see no end in sight.

There’s a sense of unfairness for being asked to do something beyond my capacity.

Someone has warned me that I may be on the scrupulous side, and perhaps they are right.

All the prayers and spiritual things of the Catholic Church seem like a burden to me because I feel obligated.

So many thoughts of sins and imperfections and punishments. This and that private revelation. This and that litany and chaplet.

Part of me is tempted to prefer the “easy” life of Protestantism when I didn’t know any better.

I never thought I’d apostasize but I thoughts/voices in my mind saying, “Jesus is not in the Tabernacle. That’s ridiculous – Catholic superstition. You’ve been praying to an empty box. God veiled under communion wafer? Nonsense – why would God do that?”

What grave sin have I committed that God is allowing these thoughts knowing full well how weak I am? It’s a cycle of sin and punishment that I cannot escape.

Perhaps it’s just my skewed perception, but why does it pop up in the first place? I wish I can just turn off my mind. Or erase my memory and start over. Or get a brain replacement.

 

[St_Francis]

You would not be attacked so severely if you weren’t doing something right!

It’s Holy Week, and I am anything but holy. And I don’t really desire anything spiritual or holy.

No matter what I do, try, or pray, I am still the selfish, conceited, self-centered person. Actions can be controlled. Thoughts cannot. And these thoughts arise are because of my sins but I don’t want them. But I am judged for them anyways.

It’s a no-win situation.

There’s no desire for prayer. I barely got through the Rosary yesterday with deadened feelings. Probably not going to attempt today.

What’s the point of memorized prayers? It’s become so mundane, there’s no sentiment behind them at all. I just say them because I made a determination to say such-and-such prayers daily.

This is a video of an FSSP priest (and exorcist) discussing the levels of prayer. Vocal prayer, which younare doing now, is the lowest of nine levels; it sounds like you are ready to start moving up The next stage is mental prayer.

This is a good article on mental prayer. And there are many more! Just search for Catholic mental prayer and avoid any that mention centering prayer as a good thing.

It’s been two years since my confirmation as a Catholic. I’ve made no progress.

Fr Ripperfer, in his video above, says that without moving up in prayer, we will not make progress.

Everything I’ve tried ends in failure.

Just so sick of failing and God doesn’t seem to care.

Why would He? There are 7 billion people are on, many dying of hunger and disease.

All of this is evidence that perhaps my purpose in life is to fail but not complain and be patient.

Clearly I fail at this mission too.

I don’t think this is a period of spiritual dryness. That assumes a soul has made some progress for it to even be tempted with dryness.

There’s Mass at 7 tonight and now I’m stressing about whether to go or not. I should but this storm of despair, resentment, and darkness is not letting me go.

Of all the days for this to happen, why the Triduum?

During a holy time such as this, we will be more severely tempted. This is usual.

Remember, no matter the temptation, if you are fighting against it, you are being successful. Even if you fall, if you get back up again to fight, you are being successful.

Light and Peace, by Fr Quadrupani, is a terrific and short book which helped me a lot to understand some of the problems I had in the spiritual life. There is also an audio version at Lbrivox.

And you might want to start praying for a spiritual director…

 

[josephback]

It’s Holy Week, and I am anything but holy. And I don’t really desire anything spiritual or holy.

No matter what I do, try, or pray, I am still the selfish, conceited, self-centered person. Actions can be controlled. Thoughts cannot. And these thoughts arise are because of my sins but I don’t want them. But I am judged for them anyways.

It’s a no-win situation.

There’s no desire for prayer. I barely got through the Rosary yesterday(

Not to be nosy, but it appears that you’re still suffering from the subconscious affects of your previous belief system. I know the feeling from having converted 5 years ago.

Faith has nothing to do with our emotional state or feelings as it is defined by assent rather than sentiment. Moreover, thoughts only become sin if we choose to entertain them, not if they randomly fly through our heads. What helped me was leaving off the attempts to be perfect, and rely upon grace in the sacraments rather than my own attempts to change. It was to accept myself as imperfect but a work in progress. So long as you don’t sin gravely you’ll do fine. What matters is actions - deeds, and these only through their connection to grace. It would also be a good idea to seek out a large Catholic friend network if you haven’t already. There’s one in the Chippewa valley of Wisconsin where I’m from, although I don’t know where you live. Take heart, and rely on the Eucharist to sustain you.

 

[Latias]

Part of me is tempted to prefer the “easy” life of Protestantism when I didn’t know any better.

I never thought I’d apostasize but I thoughts/voices in my mind saying, “Jesus is not in the Tabernacle. That’s ridiculous – Catholic superstition. You’ve been praying to an empty box. God veiled under communion wafer? Nonsense – why would God do that?”

What grave sin have I committed that God is allowing these thoughts knowing full well how weak I am? It’s a cycle of sin and punishment that I cannot escape.

Perhaps it’s just my skewed perception, but why does it pop up in the first place? I wish I can just turn off my mind. Or erase my memory and start over. Or get a brain replacement.

I would say that you will always hear those voices because the doctrine of transubstantiation is so counterintuitive to an informed scientific understanding of the world and one’s perception of the world. I did have voices, but I did not entertain them. If you realize that God loves you, works through the priest, and intercedes during the Mass, then your inclination would be to revere the Eucharist and desire to receive it as opposed to being embroiled over skeptical doubts.

I also had those doubts, but that is not the reason why I became disillusioned with Catholicism.

When I converted, I never thought I would become disillusioned, but I thought I would persevere if I realized that God loved me and sincerely tried to follow him.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I’ve had these thoughts before, and after they passed, I thought I would never have them again.

There have been moments of wondering why people choose suicide. Though I have not contemplated it to actually commit it, the thought has crossed my mind.

I see God as constantly being angry and upset at me, and though there are sins I willingly commit that I have no excuse for, there are things beyond my control and I see God judging me for even those. And perhaps sending failure after failure as punishment. And I see no end in sight.

There’s a sense of unfairness for being asked to do something beyond my capacity.

Someone has warned me that I may be on the scrupulous side, and perhaps they are right.

All the prayers and spiritual things of the Catholic Church seem like a burden to me because I feel obligated.

So many thoughts of sins and imperfections and punishments. This and that private revelation. This and that litany and chaplet.

I was told during my period of doubt to imagine myself the way God sees you.

If you remember that and not get caught up with your sinfulness, you will not succumb to despair.

 

[St_Francis]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I’ve had these thoughts before, and after they passed, I thought I would never have them again.

There have been moments of wondering why people choose suicide. Though I have not contemplated it to actually commit it, the thought has crossed my mind.

I see God as constantly being angry and upset at me, and though there are sins I willingly commit that I have no excuse for, there are things beyond my control and I see God judging me for even those. And perhaps sending failure after failure as punishment. And I see no end in sight.

God knows your heart and will not judge you for things which are beyond your control. How much do you ask him for help? That’s an important part of this relationship, admitting that you need His help and asking Him for it.

There’s a sense of unfairness for being asked to do something beyond my capacity.

Someone has warned me that I may be on the scrupulous side, and perhaps they are right.

For scrupulosity, you *really *need to work with a good priest to help you get over it.

All the prayers and spiritual things of the Catholic Church seem like a burden to me because I feel obligated.

So many thoughts of sins and imperfections and punishments. This and that private revelation. This and that litany and chaplet.

This sounds like you think that too much is obligated, but it is not God or the Church which is obligating you.

First, we are obligated to go to Mass (and Confession when necessary). Second, in justice, to pray 15 minutes a day.

That is it. What other things we chose to do are from love of God and our desire to grow closer to Him. But it sounds like you might need some healing from the stress your misconceptions have put you under.

Our enemy the devil tries to draw us away from God. One way he does that is by trying to convince us of lies like the ideas you have which are so very wrong.

The best thing you could do is to talk with the good priest I mentioned above. In the meantime, pray every time these wicked thoughts come before you. Pray to God, to Our Lady, and to St Michael the Archangel for help. Do this as long as as often as needed.

Part of me is tempted to prefer the “easy” life of Protestantism when I didn’t know any better.

I never thought I’d apostasize but I thoughts/voices in my mind saying, “Jesus is not in the Tabernacle. That’s ridiculous – Catholic superstition. You’ve been praying to an empty box. God veiled under communion wafer? Nonsense – why would God do that?”

The devil does have the power to influence our imaginations; to me it’s like floating thoughts in front of me to see which ones I will “bite” on. The ones that work are the ones that return. The trick is to learn to recognize what is happening and to pray and gently turn one’s mind away.

What grave sin have I committed that God is allowing these thoughts knowing full well how weak I am? It’s a cycle of sin and punishment that I cannot escape.

Perhaps it’s just my skewed perception, but why does it pop up in the first place? I wish I can just turn off my mind. Or erase my memory and start over. Or get a brain replacement.