To Annul or not to Annul?

[gambino]

All, (warning-long post!)

I haven’t posted in a while. I don’t really feel like doing a recap on all of my issues but you can search my old posts to find out all of the details. The bottom line is that my wife and I are now legally divorced and have been since April. I have not spoken to her in 9 months. She has refused to talk, wanted language in the divorce papers that prevents me from going to her residence or contacting her. Despite the rediculousness of the request, I have not initiated any contact with her. In one sense I am doing better. I am at least able to function on a daily basis again. But a part of me is still missing her and I am not at peace. I believed in the sacramental basis of marriage. I have acknowledged my shortcomings but I also have enough perspective that my faults alone should not have led to the demise of our marriage. The default in any marriage is that we “will get through this”. Somewhere along the line she lost the commitment. I pray for her and us everyday. I believe that to truly believe in the omnipotence of Christ, I have to believe that he can ressurect my dead marriage if that is His will. (What a miracle if that happened!)

In any case, I’m now trying to decide whether to go for an annulment. I have talked to multiple priests and they all say that I have a very good case for an annulment. They said I could start anytime. BUT the problem is that I have a hard time convincing myself of whether it is the right thing to do. In my heart, I still love my wife. I have this nagging feeling to stand for my marriage as painful as it is to do. I have been chaste through this whole mess even though I’ve had attention and opportunities to date. I miss her so incredibly much. I KNOW love was there. Everything about my marriage felt real from the marriage prep, to praying regularly and attending mass weekly. I’m not a huge spiritual warfare type person but I really feel that evil attacked my marriage. The suddenness of the affair/breakup- it was a surprise attack. The fact that there was love, desire and passion all the way up until the last week of our breakup (even though she was appearantly persuing affairs with guys and girls). The confluence of events that fit perfectly together to destroy my marriage were just too much to be coincidence. Despite reassurances from parents, family, friends and priests, I feel that going through my divorce was THE WORST thing I could’ve ever done. I regret it so much despite not feeling like I had any other options at the time. But at the same time, I don’t know when to say when and throw in the towel of my heart. I do really desire being married. I miss intimacy. I miss the peace I had in my life. I loved the fact that it was ok to desire a woman (my wife) in a pure way who took care of my physical and emotional desires. I miss having her as my companion; someone to share the my heart. I hate the fact that I kept myself pure for my now ex-wife before marriage and I can never give that gift to someone else again. Unlike many guys, I liked the fact that I she was “my only one”. This sounds kind of weak but I feel damaged and don’t know how I could ever give someone else everything that I gave my wife-spritually, physically, emotionally. I wasn’t perfect but I did empty myself fully into my marriage.

So here are my questions:
1.) If you have gone through something similar, what convinced to persue an annulment? Did you feel at peace while petitioning?
2.) How did you ever get to a point where you didn’t feel attached to your former spouse? Do you really think you can give your complete self to someone else?
3.) Is there any scriptural basis for an annulment? (I am very Catholic and I believe in scripture and tradition. But I also see something very special about a site called rejoiceministries.org and how they believe that even “dead” marriages can be ressurected through Christ–because God hates divorce.)

 

[jrabs]

I am very sorry for what you are experiencing - the pain of divorce is so hard. I really am so very sorry.

I am not sure why I decided to seek a Decree of Nullity. I was at Adoration one night and just felt that I was supposed to go forth and start the process. I was not dating so my decision was not because I even wanted to date or get married in the future.

Just that I believe the Holy Spirit moved me to the decision.

My Decree had been approved and a few more years went by before I dated. I did meet someone (through CAF) and have since gotten married. So, yes, it is possible completely give your heart to someone. But at this juncture in your life, that is probably is not high on your list yet. You need to just heal and figure out what God wants for you.

The process brought such peace and healing in my life. Seemed to heal the bitterness and anger I harbored and I could finally let go.

Is the process right for you? Pray over it. Bring your concerns and questions prayerfully to God. Sit at Adoration and pray and LISTEN. In those quiet moments, let God have a chance to speak to your heart. I am sure He will reveal His will for you.

Above all, God wishes to grant you peace in your life if you let Him and ask Him.

 

[BamaRider]

I can’t pretend to know where you’re coming from, so have little adivce to offer, just prayers.

 

[Scottgun]

3.) Is there any scriptural basis for an annulment? (I am very Catholic and I believe in scripture and tradition. But I also see something very special about a site called rejoiceministries.org and how they believe that even “dead” marriages can be ressurected through Christ–because God hates divorce.)

Well, the Scriptual basis would be the Sacraments in the sense that they either happened or they didn’t. As an analogy, there was a recent kerfuffle about parishes baptizing “In the name of the Creator, Sanctifier and Redeemer.” People who had water poured over them with this formual were NOT baptized. They have to do it again because it was not the Sacrament of Baptism.

It is similar with annulment. At another blog, a poster put it well:

An annulment is not something that is or is not granted, it is something that is (or isn’t) discovered.

In other words, if someone “gets an annulment”, what is really being communicated is that it was discovered that the marriage never existed in the first place.

So if the marriage was valid on the wedding day, it ain’t invalid because one of the spouses turned into a jerk years later.

But, to the best of my knowledge (and don’t go to the bank with this), you are not required to seek an annulment unless you are intending to marry someone else. So, in a sense you can continue to try to rescue the marriage. My prayers go with you.

 

[rick43235]

there was a recent kerfuffle

Good word. I actually looked it up to see if it was real.

 

[Ailina]

I have this nagging feeling to stand for my marriage as painful as it is to do. I have been chaste through this whole mess even though I’ve had attention and opportunities to date. I miss her so incredibly much. I KNOW love was there.

You love the person she never was, and that is hard. I know, because despite all the pain my ex put me through, I still had the picture of the man I thought he was in my head and heart. It was very hard to let go of that phantom man. I had to look hard at his actions, and see that they didn’t match the image of the man I thought he was. At the end, I realized that there was no marriage to stand up for, due to his actions. (Your wife sounds very much like my ex).

The point of the annulment process is to find out whether you ever actually had a marriage. Sometimes, some outside clarity is needed, and that is where the Tribunal helps, painful though it is.

Don’t tear yourself apart with guilt, because SHE left you, not the other way around. She sounds like she had issues that nobody could help her out with, least of all you. I could not help my ex with his issues; to this day, he still thinks he is doing nothing wrong. I know how easy it is to pick my own brain about where I might have done him wrong for him to have turned out the way he did, though. That alone is a good reason for going through the annulment process. Hopefully, it will put this whole recurring thought pattern to rest at last.

1.) If you have gone through something similar, what convinced to persue an annulment? Did you feel at peace while petitioning? I am still going through the process, and find it is very painful and not peaceful at all. At this point, I’m not sure why I’m bothering, because I have no desire to pursue a new relationship. I have three kids who have stated they don’t want me to date, plus my 14 yr old told me last week that if either of us remarried, it would be even worse than the divorce was. On the other hand, maybe the kids will have a change of heart some day, and urge me to find another husband. I don’t want to have to dredge up the awful past at some point in the future, so figure there’s nothing to lose by going through this tortuous process now. It sure does hurt, though.

**2.) How did you ever get to a point where you didn’t feel attached to your former spouse? Do you really think you can give your complete self to someone else? ** I still think about my ex way too much, especially since I know he has never looked back. I’m still healing and know I can’t give myself to anyone else at this point. I’m glad the annulment process takes so long because hopefully there will be some healing at the end, although I’m don’t really feel that way right now.

3.) Is there any scriptural basis for an annulment? (I am very Catholic and I believe in scripture and tradition. But I also see something very special about a site called rejoiceministries.org and how they believe that even “dead” marriages can be ressurected through Christ–because God hates divorce.) I’m not sure. There must be; otherwise, why would there even be the entire complicated process?

 

[Ray_Scheel]

So here are my questions:
1.) If you have gone through something similar, what convinced to persue an annulment?

I finally threw in the towel at my then ex-wife’s declaration that she was going to attempt no further work at reconciliation as long as she was expected to make the changes that 5 different counselors had independently concluded she needed to do. That was the last in a series over several years; she found an excuse to quit joint counseling each time the counselors figured out the roadblocks she’d been maintaining and how much of her professed inability to handle life was an act to simply not work (on her marriage, on life responsibilities, whatever; if it was work, she wouldn’t do it if she thought she could make others carry her weight). Having seen the writing on the wall about how it was going to end from the time she left, I had already been working on the application for a while before then, but that did help me get my thoughts together on the issues that needed to be resolved to remove the obstacles she’s placed in the way of marriage in the Christian sense.

FWIW, having a condition of no further contact written into the divorce decree would have accomplished the same thing for me as far as knowing where my ex stood on reconciliation.

Did you feel at peace while petitioning?

Not necessarily during, but as the decision came in and was confirmed I did feel great relief and a fair amount of vindication and confirmation about the issues I’d seen as big problems that rose up from the very beginning.

2.) How did you ever get to a point where you didn’t feel attached to your former spouse? Do you really think you can give your complete self to someone else?

That just takes time, but wading through the questions and composing responses for the narrative in the nullity application helped me a lot as far as perspective and coming to realize that my continuing attachment was generally wasted on someone who had effectively cheated me and intended to continue to prevent a real marriage relationship from ever forming.

3.) Is there any scriptural basis for an annulment? (I am very Catholic and I believe in scripture and tradition. But I also see something very special about a site called rejoiceministries.org and how they believe that even “dead” marriages can be ressurected through Christ–because God hates divorce.)

I can see a merely “dead” marriage might be brought back, and when advising someone in what might be that situation I strongly recommend trying the Divorce Busting resources. However, yours is not merely a dead marriage, but a murdered one, and your ex wife is keeping a knife in its heart.
Big difference.

 

[RWMorris]

No real advice here, just what my husband went through…
My husband’s ex-wife chose New Year’s Eve of 1983 to tell him that she was in love with someone else. He was devastated, to say the least. She filed for divorce and he lost his little son to her. She promptly moved out of state and he was left alone. After a year, we met and began dating (neither of us were Catholic at that point). He called her one last time to see if their marriage was retrievable; it wasn’t, she refused to come back.
So we married. Fast forward to when we became Catholic: he applied for an annulment and got one very quickly based on certain details that I won’t share here.
It is very hard to apply for an annulment. All sorts of feelings and emotions overwhelm you. Despite what many people believe, getting a marriage annulled is heart-wrenching. And not all marriages are annulled just because some people want it to be. There has to be some defect at the time of marriage. This was hard for my husband to face, that his marriage had never been sacramental.
But I think that applying for an annulment is essential for divorced people. In any case, if the annulment comes through, you are then free to socialize with the opposite sex, maybe marry again if that is what God intends for you.
It helped my husband tremendously in spite of some emotional pain he felt in going through with it.

 

[udoc89]

Dear Gambino:

I’m sorry for the pain you are going through. I pursued a declaration of nullity from my first marriage (maybe I should just call it my legal marriage–it was certainly not sacramental) before my husband and I joined the Church in 1997. It was an absolutely wrenching experience, but I experienced profound peace once it was behind me.

That said, It does not sound to me as if you are ready to begin the process. I don’t think you are yet convinced that no marriage existed in the first place–and until you have reached that point, it doesn’t seem to make much sense for you to try to have it declared invalid by a tribunal. If, in your heart of hearts, you still believe your marriage was indeed sacramental, you would probably do very well to bide your time and wait awhile!

However, you mentioned that your wife has pursued physical relationships with women as well as other men. That might be the reason your priest thinks you have a good case. Even if you were capable of making a strong marriage, she may never have been.

I think the course you should take will be clearer as time goes by. You have not been divorced even a year–you have a lot of healing to do. Give it some time. Stay active in your Faith and pray.

God bless you!

 

[Ray_Scheel]

Even if you were capable of making a strong marriage, she may never have been.!

That is the key point there, but that sure is a hard perspective to see when you are / were the party trying to make it work.