To apply for divorce?

[allaussie]

Hi all,
I’ve revived my membership to this forum because I’m feeling a little lost and don’t have a real life Catholic community to ask for advice.
A little bit of background, after 3 years of marriage my husband ended our relationship in November last year we have one son who is now 9 months old. At the moment I have very little hope of reconciliation he will not entertain the idea of being a husband and father again and I am starting to think my son may be better off without that role model.
I am really struggling with the question of whether to apply for a divorce (although its not possible until the end of the year as we will have then been separated 12 months) as the first step in trying for an annulment (based on my husband’s statements that he doesn’t see a difference between gay marriage and traditional marriage I think it would be granted).
My primary reason for wanting this is because I don’t want my son to be an only child. I think about the worry and burden of being solely responsible for both of your parents as they get older and I don’t want my son to have to do that.
I’ve also read that a Catholic may not initiate divorce, is that universal church teaching? I can’t actually remember where I read it to double check their references.
Maybe I should just be content with one child and being a single mother if that’s the cross God has given me but I’m feeling rather lost on the whole subject.

 

[Lamentation]

As Catholics, we believe in the indissoluble bond of marriage - that is to say, when a man and a woman marry each other (they are the one’s “doing” the sacrament, not the priest/deacon), we believe that the vows they undertake towards each other, before God, are in fact binding.

Because those vows include “to death do us part”, it is a belief that a marriage lasts until the death of one of the spouses - there is no other way.

An annulment process is an exploration and examination of those vows, to see if (in fact) the sacrament of marriage took place. An annulment, if granted, therefore is a declaration that there was not a marriage to begin with.

Civil divorce is a legal separation between two parties, in a way that suggests there was a failure at some point (to differentiate it from Legal Separation).

Without at all making a judgement on your situation - which I can only begin to imagine - I would suggest that perhaps the entirety should be examined through a deeper understanding of the terms and their gravity: the Sacrament of Marriage, Civil Divorce, and Annulment.

[As an aside, and I recognize that at this time it is not possible, but I think the more important consideration than your child not having siblings is having both of his parents in his life - it’s not a reflection on your lack of ability, it’s simply nature: 100% of 50% is still 50% of the whole.]

Your family is in my prayers.

 

[1ke]

I’ve also read that a Catholic may not initiate divorce, is that universal church teaching?

No, that is not correct. Divorce is a serious matter, and it isn’t taken lightly. But there are times when a Catholic can justly divorce. Please talk to your pastor about your situation and let him advise you.

 

[cominghome1966]

My primary reason for wanting this is because I don’t want my son to be an only child. I think about the worry and burden of being solely responsible for both of your parents as they get older and I don’t want my son to have to do that.

Remarriage and new half-siblings won’t help your son to feel as if he has an intact family. This is because he won’t have an intact family. You will create a new intact family for those children, but your son will be an outsider to it.

The intact family founded on natural marriage is supposed to be a representation of the Holy Trinity, and the Holy Family, to the child. Divorce shatters that image. Remarriage does not repair it.

This is the ugly reality that Christian parents who want divorce don’t want to face. There is a lot I can say about the image I have attached here, but I just hope you mediate on it for a while before deciding what to do.

 

[steve93]

Wait, your husband left you in order to be gay?!!! Or am I misunderstanding?

 

[steve93]

Isn’t abandonment a valid reason for the innocent party to seek annulment?

 

[PaulfromIowa]

OP, I am very sorry that you, and your son, are having this very serious problem. You should discuss this with your pastor and a professional marriage counselor. People on the internet who don’t know you and the details are going to be of very little help.

 

[egretps]

allaussie,

I am so sorry you are going through this. You’ll be in my prayers for you to get strength, and discernment and courage and anything the Holy Spirit can bless you with right now.

Please consider starting a journal right now. I suggest you write down your thoughts about everything including the original relationship, and ‘marriage’. I put that is quotes because if you are applying or considering an annulment you may have an understanding already that there may be some evidence that you were never really married. If you were really married, you are married. Our Church does allow for divorce. For instance abuse should not be tolerated and spouses and children should be removed from living in a dangerous situation.

This would be best to discuss with a priest and maybe read about in a good Catholic book. (There are some right here at Catholic Answers! shop.catholic.com/search/?q=annulments) There is no rush on this, the state has built in time for you to explore your situation since you have to wait a year for your divorce, and I believe you have to obtain one before you can get the annulment. (Check with your diocese.)

I agree that a child, even a singleton, is better with a mama and a papa living under the same roof, this is not always possible. You have a desire for siblings for your son, which I believe is a wonderful thing. Happiest day of my life was when my parents brought home my first baby brother. I was 10 years old. That desire for more children is a good thing.

My eldest uncle was the child of an extremely abusive ‘first (forced) marriage’. My grandmother married my grandfather and then had other children including my mother. My mom told me that she never knew as a kid that her brother wasn’t her dad’s step child, until she was almost an adult. What I’m trying to say is, God provided my uncle with a loving father and husband for my grandmother. That first ‘marriage’ of my grannie’s was no marriage, there was a litany of reasons why to illustrate. Although there would be sticklers who would ask, did my grandmother obtain an annulment decree. No, and she lived with a shame for most of the rest of her life. She attended mass every chance she had, but didn’t receive communion, for nearly seventy years! She did die in full communion with the Catholic Church, Praise God! I wish she had had access to information and assistance, maybe she could have had a clear conscience years and years ago.

I truly humbly suggest that during this difficult time, you pray and pray some more. First talk to your priest. Seek out assistance from your diocese. Ask God for direction and discernment. And place in His hands your husband and marriage and ask that He fix it if at all possible. Please consider taking a Retrouvaille weekend with your soon-to-be ex. retrouvaille.org/ Loads of discussion on Retrouvaille here at CAF.

You and your family are in my prayers!

 

[1ke]

Isn’t abandonment a valid reason for the innocent party to seek annulment?

It is certainly a reason someone might seek a civil divorce and custody agreement.

It is not, in and of itself, grounds for a decree of nullity.

 

[1ke]

Wait, your husband left you in order to be gay?!!! Or am I misunderstanding?

No that is not what the OP said.

The OP was giving an illustration of her husband’s possible lack of understanding of the sacrament of marriage by indicating he does not see an issue with same sex marriage and in fact believes it equivalent to a marriage between a man and woman.

It was an illustration only, not a statement of her husband’s sexual attractions.

 

[7_Sorrows]

If you will need an annulment in the future make sure you are telling family members and friends all about your life, every detail of your.marriage and all about your husband’s life because you will need witnesses for your annulment so they have to know everything. Do it sooner than later while everyone is still living. The annulment process is not fun.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Allaussie,

I am sorry you are going through this. But keep this in mind – you are never alone! God is always with you and you have your Catholic family here for support also.

I went through the annulment process also. First you must have the divorce finalized – the Church does recognize that some marriages fail, unfortunately. The issue is that you would not be allowed to remarry until an annulment is granted.

There are several grounds for divorce – as you stated you soon to be ex and you were married for 3 years. You should first talk to a Priest first – has he will be able to explain the process. But one reason could be:

Ignorance about the nature of marriage (Canon 1096, sec. 1) You or your spouse did not know that marriage is a permanent relationship between a man and a woman ordered toward the procreation of offspring by means of some sexual cooperation.

As is it seems from your post that he never had the desire to remain married, and no desire to be a father. Again if you can speak to a Priest for guidance and assistance in filling out the annulment forms.

I pray that God grants you peace and strength.

Winter

 

[John_Paul2]

Hi all,
I’ve revived my membership to this forum because I’m feeling a little lost and don’t have a real life Catholic community to ask for advice.
A little bit of background, after 3 years of marriage my husband ended our relationship in November last year we have one son who is now 9 months old. At the moment I have very little hope of reconciliation he will not entertain the idea of being a husband and father again and I am starting to think my son may be better off without that role model.
I am really struggling with the question of whether to apply for a divorce (although its not possible until the end of the year as we will have then been separated 12 months) as the first step in trying for an annulment (based on my husband’s statements that he doesn’t see a difference between gay marriage and traditional marriage I think it would be granted).
My primary reason for wanting this is because I don’t want my son to be an only child. I think about the worry and burden of being solely responsible for both of your parents as they get older and I don’t want my son to have to do that.
I’ve also read that a Catholic may not initiate divorce, is that universal church teaching? I can’t actually remember where I read it to double check their references.
Maybe I should just be content with one child and being a single mother if that’s the cross God has given me but I’m feeling rather lost on the whole subject.

Dear Friend

I’m very happy, and I’m sure I can speak on behalf of everybody that it’s with great delight that you have revived your membership to this forum.

Life will bring us many challenges and one of those challenges to our life can be within a marriage.

Marriage can be difficult and when you start adding children into the equation it can then be extremely difficult.

Many Catholics throughout the world have divorced and its certainly nothing new, so please don’t be too anxious with yourself.

However the reality of divorce, well I can’t lie to you,

The church teaches that Divorce is a grave offense (Catechism of the Catholic Church 2382, 2383, 2384, 2385)

The church, however, does recognize that there are some situations in which living together becomes practically impossible for a variety of reasons. In such cases, the church does allow physical separation where a man and wife remains married but lives apart. (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1649)

This may not apply to you but I think it’s also important that I bring to your attention to the current teachings of the Catholic Church in regards to Catholics who Divorce and Re-marry.

Catholics who divorce and remarry will find themselves banned from receiving the communion. (Catchechism of the Catholic Church 1650)
If for you, divorce is the only option, then give yourself to pray, and truly pray over this situation… All I can say is that you won’t be the first Catholic to divorce and you certainly won’t be the last.

Jesus loves you, and there is no sin out there that cannot be forgiven.

I can’t stress enough however that nobody here is an expert on this matter; we can only guide you in the right direction of help as fellow Catholic Brothers and Sisters.

Please contact your Local Parish Priest, I’m sure you can book an appointment to speak to him. Do everything you can in your limitations to try and prevent this divorce from happening.

God, please help us in this Situation, and I beg for our Blessed Mother for her powerful intercessions.

 

[cominghome1966]

Here is what parents do to their kids lives when they divorce and remarry.

 

[John_Paul2]

Here is what parents do to their kids lives when they divorce and remarry.

Dear Coming Home

I do love your signature

“The Bible makes more sense to me now that I’m Catholic”

I couldn’t help but notice that your profile states that you were a protestant until 2011, then you came to the catholic Faith. All glory to god and praise god that you are now in full communion with his church.

The picture you posted was of great interest, but I feel this is not applicable to everybody, I personally believe we are all different and we all handle situations in many differents ways.

So I’m sure some of the layers may apply to certain individuals, but I very much doubt they would apply to all individuals.

But it can not be denied, Divorce would surely have a negative impact on any Child, however with the correct parenting skills and a life of pray, nothing is impossible to overcome.

 

[cominghome1966]

Dear Coming Home

I do love your signature

“The Bible makes more sense to me now that I’m Catholic”

I couldn’t help but notice that your profile states that you were a protestant until 2011, then you came to the catholic Faith. All glory to god and praise god that you are now in full communion with his church.

Yes, I really do love being Catholic! So glad to be home.

The picture you posted was of great interest, but I feel this is not applicable to everybody, I personally believe we are all different and we all handle situations in many differents ways.

I disagree. The image is widely applicable, as it describes the structural dynamic that happens to children born into first marriage (or other relationship that later falls apart), when their parents go on to new relationships and new children. Do you have direct experience as a child in that sort of situation?

But let’s talk about the details because it is certainly possible that I am mistaken. Given that parents remarry after creating a child with another person, can you explain which specific layer is incorrect and/or not widely applicable to those situations?

 

[1ke]

Here is what parents do to their kids lives when they divorce and remarry.

You probably didn’t mean to, but please be aware this statement implies that the OP is “doing” something to her children when in fact her husband abandoned her. She is an innocent spouse and has no control of the fact that her husband left.

The chart isn’t really helpful at all. It seems laden with blame rather than helpful strategies for those who find themselves in these situations.

 

[1ke]

Do you have direct experience as a child in that sort of situation?

I do.

But let’s talk about the details because it is certainly possible that I am mistaken. Given that parents remarry after creating a child with another person, can you explain which specific layer is incorrect and/or not widely applicable to those situations?

I suggest you start your own thread, because this is OFF TOPIC.

 

[John_Paul2]

Yes, I really do love being Catholic! So glad to be home

Welcome home, there is nothing better than one single unity within the church all learning from each other

I disagree. The image is widely applicable, as it describes the structural dynamic that happens to children born into first marriage (or other relationship that later falls apart), when their parents go on to new relationships and new children.

I’m agreeing with you, the image is widely applicable in terms on the impact to children when parents divorce and remarry

Given that parents remarry after creating a child with another person, can you explain which specific layer is incorrect and/or not widely applicable to those situations?

I don’t think the layers are incorrect, however, what I personally believe is that the layers may not be applicable to all scenarios of divorce and remarrying

Let’s look at the different layers:

Layer 1: Mother and Father divorced. Child now lives in 2 homes

On some occasions, sometimes the child may live in 1 home with Mother or Father, and on other occasions, Sometimes the child does not know who their own Mother or Father is. I have heard many stories where divorce has happened when a child was born, and Mother or Father has walked out on the child’s life. There is also stories out there where children have been brought up in a single parent home

Layer 2: Mother and/or father remarry. Each spends more time with new spouse than with child

I agree with layer 2, depending on where the child stays, it’s possible for mother or father to spend more time with the spouse. However, I don’t necessarily believe that this would have a negative impact on the child unless mother or father neglect their duties of parenthood.

Layer 3: Step-Parent(s) may have step children from a prior relationship

Layer 3 is based on a maybe situation, and can not be valid for everybody

Layer 4: One or both parents has a child with step parent

Same as layer 3, this is another maybe situation

Layer 5 One or both parents divorce again

Same as layer 4, this is another maybe situation

So for me, it’s not a case of inaccuracy of the layers, it’s a case of applicability. I have come across people from many walks of life, with many different family backgrounds

There are stories out there, where mothers and fathers have divorced and remarried, and their children have grown up very happy and very healthy.

Divorce is not pleasant and in no way am I trying to defend divorce and remarrying, I’m very much against divorce and remarrying from a religious and personal view.

But what I try to refrain from is putting everyone in the same category, because a situation may be the same, but the scenarios within that situation can be different

 

[john1513]

I would speak with a priest and your husband together.