To ask or not to ask?

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I am in an uncomfortable situation regarding a friend of mine and wonder what I should do.

She is divorced and has 2 young children. Last summer I offered her to live in my apartment rent free because her circumstances were difficult at that moment. I told her to feel at home and there were no strings attached. She takes care of the apartment and pays the bills and that works great for me because I will be abroad for several more years. About a month ago she has told me that she has been involved for quite some time now with a married man who has 2 young kids. I was absolutely horrified but I’m not the type to lecture and give advice when it is not asked for. I just told her I was sorry that she is getting herself into a deep mess and that I was hoping she would sort herself out after the divorce. We didn’t speak about it anymore until last week when she told me that he promised her that he would move out and start looking for a place to live. I murmured something, feeling very embarrassed to even be talking about such a sad thing, and then she changed the topic.

I am now wondering if she is thinking about asking him to move in. There is absolutely no way I would allow this to happen, the question is whether I should ask her or not. On the one hand, it is my apartment and I have a right to know what the heck is going on there, but on the other, I don’t want to police her. I offered her to live there and I don’t feel it is right to suddenly put forward conditions about something that might not even happen. My husband thinks I should just leave it and carry on as usual and that I should have the conversation if she brings up the question of the guy moving in.

I don’t know. I feel like an idiot because I just wanted to help her, and now I have to worry about being involved in someone’s adultery, even if my involvement is not direct. I feel really sorry for her kids, because they have been moved in and out of houses and they need some stability at this difficult post-divorce period. They have really gone through a lot.

What do I do? Ask or not ask and just let things unfold?

 

[BMorel]

Things are going to unfold the way they do regardless of your involvement. You do have a right to have your guest uphold your expectations, but since you left it open with the no strings attached bit, she may feel that she can take certain liberties. All I would do, if it were me in this situation, is to talk to her and explain where you stand. You have a right to certain expectations where your apartment is concerned. It may be time to impose a few “ground rules”.
I guess bottom line, I would ask, and let it be known where you stand. You don’t have to kick her and the kids out, but you can certainly let her know that if that is what she wants to do, she should start looking for somewhere else to live. That way it is in her court.

 

[Waiting]

Things are going to unfold the way they do regardless of your involvement. You do have a right to have your guest uphold your expectations, but since you left it open with the no strings attached bit, she may feel that she can take certain liberties. All I would do, if it were me in this situation, is to talk to her and explain where you stand. You have a right to certain expectations where your apartment is concerned. It may be time to impose a few “ground rules”.
I guess bottom line, I would ask, and let it be known where you stand. You don’t have to kick her and the kids out, but you can certainly let her know that if that is what she wants to do, she should start looking for somewhere else to live. That way it is in her court.

:thumbsup:These are my thoughts, too.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Thank you for the comments.

It really is a tough and uncomfortable situation. I know it is not up to me to play the moral police and I have no interest in doing that. But I guess I’ll have to have the talk at some point, given the circumstances.