To Be Charitable or Not

  • Thread starter Thread starter Quaere_Verum
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Q

Quaere_Verum

Guest
Is being charitable always the best option? Here’s our situation.

My inlaws made a choice to be foster parents about 2 years ago. Now when we go visit I am uncomfortable staying with them since we do not know the background of these children. My inlaws are hurt by this, and it also upsets my husband. I believe our primary responsibility is to ensure the innocence and safety of our children. I am told to remember that these foster children need to feel love & accepted. Yes, I agree, but at risk to my children. I might think and act differently if we didn’t have children.

Am I being uncharitable? If so please help me understand. Please be forthright. I don’t mind a few punches. I just want to do what is right.
 
It’s always important to look after your children. Isn’t there some sort of way you would work around this? Eg, someone you trust could look after your children at home while you and your husband go to visit your inlaws. Or you could keep your children in sight at all times while visiting. Or something.

Your husband and inlaws shouldn’t be upset, as you’re not doing this out of any dislike for them. You need to make sure that they understand this. Maybe they think that your fears about your inlaws children are unfounded and hence assume you’re just using that as an excuse not to visit your inlaws. Maybe your fears about your inlaws children are in fact unfounded, but how can you know for sure, till you know better them?

To answer the thread title, being charitable is always good. But there are a lot of ways of practicing charity. In this case, it means talking to your inlaws and your husband to make sure they’re not upset. And it means trying to find ways to work around your problems - just because you don’t want your children visitng doesn’t mean you have to avoid visiting. And it means giving their children the benefit of the doubt - this doesn’t mean that you have to ‘expose’ your children to theirs, but maybe you should try to get to know their children better, and allow for the possibility that these children might be great people who you wouldn’t mind letting your children hang around with.
 
I really hate to be the first one to reply. But I am on my way to bed. So here goes. Just remember, everyone, this is just my 2 cents.

I also would not want to stay with my son at a home where I did not know the backround of the other people staying there. You do not know if the child has been violent in the past or maybe is a fire starter. This would not be good. What if the child uses words that you try hard not to expose your child to. That is just two examples, one from each side of the spectrum. Anything in between could happen too. Think of it like spending the night in a hotel and not locking the door.
Be charitable. Buy the child a present. Treat him/her well. I am sure that he/she would like the good attention. All children do. But the safety of your child comes first. I would stay at a hotel.
 
I didn’t make a few things clear I see.
  1. Because of the distance between them & us we go visit for about 7 days when we go.
  2. My husband has siblings in town.
  3. About 2 years ago we stayed at 1 of the sibling’s house as per my request visiting my mother & father inlaw during the day. We bought the child at their house a gift & treated her with respect & kindness when we were there. One of the nights in the early hours of the morning she apparently woke up using disrespectful & crude language with my inlaws. She proceeded to run away. Police were called; they found her, she was brought back, more cussing & yelling. We weren’t there thank God, but who’s to say that something like that or worse won’t happen.
  4. We have been told that the physical background (any illnesses) and emotional background of the child cannot be discussed with us, so we’re left with, “Don’t worry, we’ll tell her to behave”. :eek:
 
You are right to be concerned for your children in a situation such as this (based on what I know from what you have shared here at least).
 
I’m on the other side of the situation. As a former special education teacher I had many students from foster homes (not that they always go together). Most of the children I had were not the ones with the problems. One child entered the school with black eyes from his parents. Another went to the police station telling them he was tired of begging for food from the neighbors. These children craved the attention. Yes, there were some issues, but I would have never hesitated having them over at my house (being a teacher that is crossing the line with any student so I would never have actually done that!). Remember just because they are in foster care does not mean that they did anything wrong. It could be the parent’s inability to take care of them for whatever reason.

It appears as if your in-laws knew the last situation and requested you stay elsewhere. Apparently they currently feel confident in the child’s ability to handle the new situation (others in the house). I would trust them. I would talk to your in-laws about having a back-up plan just incase things didn’t work out, but I would stay there.

Also, foster kids need good role models. If you have the basic morals going, they will let the foster child know when they crossed the line (my 8yr old loves to tell people what they are doing is wrong!).

That’s my :twocents:
 
40.png
ProudArmyWife:
It appears as if your in-laws knew the last situation and requested you stay elsewhere. Apparently they currently feel confident in the child’s ability to handle the new situation (others in the house). I would trust them. I would talk to your in-laws about having a back-up plan just incase things didn’t work out, but I would stay there.

That’s my :twocents:
Click to expand...
Thanks for your 2c. You’re right; because the child is in foster care does not mean the child has done anything wrong. My concern is with the information we’re getting about the child. The last time we visited we stayed at a brother-in-law’s house as per my request. My mother-in-law wanted us to stay with her and kept telling us this girl was a good girl, and that she would tell her to behave. Unfortunately, that information was erroneous as was evidenced with her outburst.

Now we’re being told something similar. I’m just concerned that because my mother-in-law wants us to stay at her house, she is willing to ignore any difficulties she may be having with this young girl, and because my husband so desperately wants to stay there, he is not thinking of any risk which may be involved. And maybe this young girl is O.K., but how about the next or the next? If I can’t rely on the information being accurate how can I do anything other than err on the side of caution.
 
QV -

Sorry, my misinterpretation as I reread the thread. I thought the MIL requested you stay elsewhere.

But just for my further understanding…

How old is this girl? I think age could be a factor in your decision. Has your MIL/FIL said anything about current incidents? Have they had her in Foster Care for the entire two years? Does your BIL/SIL have children? If so you could always say that they want to spend time with their cousins.

Wow, that was a lot of questions. Sorry. Your posting has intrigued me for some reason. 😛
 
40.png
ProudArmyWife:
QV -

Sorry, my misinterpretation as I reread the thread. I thought the MIL requested you stay elsewhere.

But just for my further understanding…

How old is this girl? I think age could be a factor in your decision. Has your MIL/FIL said anything about current incidents? Have they had her in Foster Care for the entire two years? Does your BIL/SIL have children? If so you could always say that they want to spend time with their cousins.

Wow, that was a lot of questions. Sorry. Your posting has intrigued me for some reason. 😛
Click to expand...
First of thanks for responding. Secondly, I need to make a statement that in no way am I trying to have people side with me over my husband (not that you did; I just need to make that statement). He’s a good man that would like to spend time with his mother in her own home - understandable.

This particular girl is 16-18 (I’m not sure which). She’s been with them about 3-4 months. My MIL during past calls would talk about how the girl has been difficult but what that means she wouldn’t tell me. Now that it’s close to the holidays the girl seems to have become no problem whatsoever.

This is a difficult situation as both my husband and I believe we need to spend lots of time with grandparents. And even though my BIL&SIL do have children, in the past the majority of time in their town was spent with grandparents and secondly with cousins. Aaaah! Life isn’t easy.

O.K. God, you’ve got me on my knees once again.
 
Sorry for not writing back sooner! I’m sure this is late, but here it is…

For some reaon in my mind I was thinking the girl was 6-8! Oops! That age does make a difference.

It sounds as if the girl is more self-destructive than destructive - I’m sure you would have found out by now if she was destructive! I would make plans to stay with the brother/sister for the first couple of nights until you get to know the girl and the situation. Then, once everyone is more comfortable with each other. She will be checking out you, too, as the attention gets drawn away from her to see if you are a thread to her comfort zone - not saying she is a physical threat or she will be one, but she may act out negatively to grab the attention again.

No matter what, I’m sure you will have a great time - the kids probably won’t even notice the things you notice. And if they do, they may just say she is weird! That’s what my kids would do!
 
I don’t even know where to start. I am a former foster parent. Your in-laws are doing a wonderful thing fostering teens (I never had what it takes to do that). Many of the teens, unfortunately, are in group homes - they deserve loving homes. Your in-laws are great Christian examples to your children. Above posters have already explained that it is not the child’s fault that they are in foster care. All your concerns could just as well be about blood-related cousins. You, and your children, are not “better” than the foster children - we are all children of God - adopted children of God. If you have concerns for your children - stay with them. I’ll stop there.
 
Be charitable and stay at a hotel.

Pick a hotel with activities your children will like such as a pool, game room, minature golf, etc.

Then you will have a number of good reasons to give for preferring to stay at the hotel. These are reasons in addition to the primary reason of not wanting to inconvenience your relatives.
 
I have to put in some more:

A teenager yelling & cussing does not make the child dangerous. Just ask other parents of teenagers. Neither does the running away. Even kids that have not had a major loss in their life, like this child has, do these things.

Try asking what you and your children can do to HELP this child and your in-laws. The holidays are often hard on anyone that has suffered a family loss - they see everyone else gathering with their relatives and feel the loss of their own family stronger. Be there for this child and your in-laws (your in-laws need your support in this, too).

For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, a stranger and you gave me no welcome, naked and you gave me no clothing, ill and in prison, and you did not care for me.’ Then they will answer and say, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or ill or in prison, and not minister to your needs?’ He will answer them, ‘Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me.’ Matthew 25: 42-45
 
I didn’t read all the replies . . .

It’s possible that the upheaval of having guests in the house could cause the foster child to misbehave - or make it more likely. Has your MIL considered this? Maybe staying somewhere else and giving the poor kid some space is the most charitable thing.
—KCT
 
Yes, I would be charitable and understanding to the foster children. I would also be very cautious when they are around your own children. That is not being uncharitable. You have to remember that these children were removed from their families for a reason eg, abuse, neglect, drug/alcohol addiction. These poor things have already had more than their share of trauma for a lifetime. It would be wise to talk to your children if they are old enough that adults and maybe even their parents have hurt these kids, and that they may say or do things that are bad. Encourage your children to talk with you after a visit with your inlaws. Have them play in the open and not in a closed bedroom.
 
Thank you so much for your responses. We want to be charitable but have to balance this with the safety of our children. We’re praying, & I’m sure God will help us do the right thing.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top