To be Sexy or not to be Sexy?

[Smber2c]

So I’ve been thinking a lot over the last couple weeks about dress codes. Not at church, clubs, or nice restaurants; but ones that individuals and probably whole groups should be holding themselves too at all times. What my main question really boils down to is this:

Is it right for people to try and look sexy for people they aren’t meant to have sex with?

I looked up sexy in merriamwebser.com to get a base definition to start from. There were 2 definitions. #1 - sexually suggestive or stimulating. (erotic) #2 - generally attractive or interesting. (appealing)

So, as I start into this I know that a good number of people would just dismiss the whole thing by saying dressing sexy just means #2, making oneself appealing. But you can’t remove the erotic association (def. #1) from a sexy appearance.

Let me compare this with pornography and masturbation. These are 2 of our society’s great fallacies of male sexual development (and yes I’m aware it certainly isn’t an exclusively male problem). Study’s suggest that over 90% of the men in our country engage in or have engaged in these methods of sinning. Part of this seems to be due to many authorities telling them it is okay, another (probably larger) part is of course the physical draw of these sins to our fallen natures.
I know it’s easy to think that the Church and our world will never get rid of pornography or masturbation cause of their strong draw and ease of concealment.

I’ve recently started to think about “sexiness” as one of the main female failings of emotional development. Men want some physical satisfaction as mentioned above. Women want some mental/emotional satisfaction of being desired.

People try to milk some desired response out of other people to satisfied their lack of love, confidence, or whatever. Then as time goes on they depend on this response to give them validation. They get to the point that if they don’t get those looks from men, if people don’t comment on them they feel unloved, ugly, depressed, etc…
Really it sounds like a drug to me. That people get addicted too. But like many problems in society we don’t discourage it. So instead of encouraging youth and especially those most likely to fall into unhealthy emotional dependency (teenagers) to avoid exploitive dress, we allow and even encourage it through our TV, movies, music, magazines, and our personal dress (cause we all of course also “want to be wanted”).
As with the male’s sexual failings, these emotional failings of women are also a strong draw and easy to conceal…except sexual dress in concealed in a different way - denial. It is concealed in the second definition of sexy (appealing), pretending that that first (erotic) doesn’t exist or wasn’t what they were trying to attain so it doesn’t matter if is is such feeling are being aroused in others.

This leads us to the 2 other failings that I hadn’t yet mentioned in sexual dress: that it drags down the minds of those it targets and it encourages sexual deviancy. Males in America are targets. Every magazine flashes cleavage. Movies get the nations most curvy women to dress half naked. And the average high school/college girl goes out trying to look sexy and get a few stares. All this starts a cycle of men ogling. Women getting that emotional bouey and start doing it more. Men looking more, then ending up salivating like rabid dogs and they go from relationship to relationship looking for who will satisfy their sexual urges.

So, I’m just wondering, when is it correct for people to try looking sexy? Society of course says whenever. Feel good. Be a free spirit.
My opinion is that these is only one place that this intention is appropriate: behind closed doors with our spouse (the only person we’re meant to have sex with).

In any other time, how are we not dangling forbidden fruit to others and learning unhealthy means of emotional fulfillment?

Sorry for length won’t do it again.

 

[teachccd]

So, I’m just wondering, when is it correct for people to try looking sexy?
.

Whenever one dresses with the intention of provoking sexual attention or arousal from another it is a sin. Some clothing can be sexually stimulating for some men even if it were a burlap sack. So the men have their own culpablity when looking at women and women have their culpablilty dependant upon their intention. Obviously ,however, if a woman dresses in a mini-skirt it shows a lack of discernment or immaturity because any female should know what type of attention that would provoke…teachccd

 

[Pixie_Dust]

So, I’m just wondering, when is it correct for people to try looking sexy?

In the bedroom with their spouse.

teachccd:

Obviously ,however, if a woman dresses in a mini-skirt it shows a lack of discernment or immaturity because any female should know what type of attention that would provoke

According to my dh, if I wear a skirt of any length it provokes that type of attention. Easy access, as far as he’s concerned.

 

[whatevergirl]

Sometimes, one doesn’t try to be sexy…and others might find him/her sexy…but actually trying to dress in a sexy way to grab attention of the opposite sex…can lead one down a slippery slope. I think that when we are dating, it sometimes (perhaps because of our society) seems like the norm to dress in an alluring manner…but, just cuz everyone’s doing it, doesn’t mean it’s ‘right.’

I recall my college days, when I dressed rather sexy…and thankfully, I met my husband who saw my heart…despite what I was wearing. We laugh at those days…as now, I can’t imagine dressing that way. There’s also a sexiness about modesty, my husband has always said. Leaves a lot to the imagination.

 

[teachccd]

In the bedroom with their spouse.

According to my dh, if I wear a skirt of any length it provokes that type of attention. Easy access, as far as he’s concerned.

My burlap sack example…

 

[kellicouch77]

As long as your fun parts are covered, what is the big deal?

I have a 10 year old daughter that I have to fight with constantly to get her to dress properly. It really isn’t her fault- all the clothes in the girls section at Wal-Mart (or any other store) are made to flaunt their sexuality (or lack of it). It is a real struggle to find shorts that actually cover up her rump. I started buying them in the boys’ section- the only place to find normal jean shorts.

I do believe that wearing “sexy” clothes should be alloted to only a select few, example being that just because they sell shorts with “hottie” written on the rear end in size 3x doesn’t mean you should wear them.

 

[Smber2c]

As long as your fun parts are covered, what is the big deal?
I do believe that wearing “sexy” clothes should be alloted to only a select few, example being that just because they sell shorts with “hottie” written on the rear end in size 3x doesn’t mean you should wear them.

Ugg, I just want to not on the words on little girls butts trend (or any girls butts)…parents please, please, please don’t let your daughters (or sons if that ever gets going) wear these ever. She’s a cheerleader. She’s on a dance team. Great. That is probably lots of fun. But I don’t want giant neon signs pointing at her butt.

I’ll admit to any person that asks me, when people put words on their butts I have to struggle mightily not to look and read them. I don’t want to look in that direction and I think that it is wrong for people to put such gross temptations around so prominently.

 

[C_Bautista]

Honestly, to me, I am always nagged by a sense of deep contradiction when a girl shows up at a Church function with tiny jean shorts and an extra small T shirt. I’m not asking for anything extreme, but it’s very very possible to make the distinction between “utterly lacking in any sense of style” and “modest” when it comes to deciding what to wear.

Not that I don’t find particular beauty in the female form, but I think that those men among us (particularly the 19-year-old ones such as myself!) who are trying to avoid lust are hard pressed to do so in the presence of a not-so-humbly-clad young woman.

Personally, though I might find myself physically attracted to a girl who is dressed in a “sexy” way, I always encounter serious reservations about actually pursuing a longer relationship. At this point in my life, how sexy a girl can look at first glance seems to have strikingly little to do with whether or not I’d want to date her.

Of course, as I said, I very much appreciate a girl who is well kept and well dressed, but there’s no need to turn “well dressed” into “sexually suggestive.” And doing so is something of a turn-off, to me, personally.

Of all the things I don’t quite understand about females, perhaps the strangest thing is the way they always want guys to “love them for who they are” but they still go out of their way to mask who they “truly are” by wearing heavy makeup, exorbitantly expensive jewelry, and suggestive clothing.

Honestly, at first glance, I’ll always lean towards the modest, moderately physically attractive girl (who takes care of her appearance, but doesn’t go overboard) over the stunning supermodel type who spends hours and hours in front of the mirror.

 

[Timothy_486]

I see no problem with a girl being sexy and Catholic. Best example would be the supermodel Adriana Lima:

“Born June 12, 1981…A devout Roman Catholic, she had planned to become a nun before she started modeling… In an interview with GQ, Lima told the magazine she is a virgin and that she intended to stay that way until she gets married.”

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adriana_Lima

 

[Em_in_FL]

I think intent is really the main question here…

Is the intent to be “sexy” and to “attract” the opposite sex? That can be problematic… I completely agree.

What about when that intent isn’t there?

Should we always judge a book by its cover, as it were?

It’s a tough call to know how to judge another.

The only thing we can do is control our reaction. We cannot know the hearts of others… only God does.

 

[manualman]

It is really strikingly simple. Get dressed and look in the mirror. Then ask, what does how I am dressed say about me to people who don’t know me?

Modify until you like the answer.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Good post, Manualman!

It’s very hard to buy clothes for my daughters. It’s easier now that the fashions are going a little toward longer shirts and more modest outlines. I’ve always told them they are responsible for the thoughts they engender in men if they are dressed scantily. They disagree strongly. But they are young. They don’t understand their responsibility in this. Yes, there are men who will leer no matter what you wear. Do you want to make it easier for them?

I try to teach them to clothe themselves in respect, so that those who see them will treat them with respect.

I tell them not to advertise what’s not for sale.

 

[Smber2c]

I see no problem with a girl being sexy and Catholic. Best example would be the supermodel Adriana Lima:

“Born June 12, 1981…A devout Roman Catholic, she had planned to become a nun before she started modeling… In an interview with GQ, Lima told the magazine she is a virgin and that she intended to stay that way until she gets married.”

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adriana_Lima

I have to totally disagree on this Adriana Lima person. I clicked her wikipedia link to see just what ‘super model’ means and she is a “Victoria Secrets Model” amoung other things.

With how advertising works in modern culture I do not think that anyone can be an under wear modle and claim they don’t put the opposite sex into bad positions.

If Victoria’s Secret Models were just on pictures in their stores or only in thier catologs, then one could honestly say “that man was looking to find those pictures”, but their pictures and many other businesses as well are on billboards, run as commercial ads, and are banners on seeming respectable web-sites. So, no I’d say that Lima (while likly a very nice person) is causing…or participating…in the downfall of very many men and should cease such activities.

But it’s far more than just her. There are whole prime time shows that center on sex. “Deal or no Deal” has a buffet of temptation that many people hardly notice, but many others are salivating over. Pretending there isn’t lusting and enticement of lusting there is just to blatently lie. (enticement by the network, show designers, and yeah the models have to accept blame for it too)

 

[Smber2c]

I think intent is really the main question here…
Is the intent to be “sexy” and to “attract” the opposite sex? That can be problematic… I completely agree.
What about when that intent isn’t there?

I heard a priest talk on this once. He said there are 3 types of people for us to think about when trying to avoid eliciting sexual temptation. The first don’t need our help, the second we should, and the third we can’t.

The first are people who have really come to master their sexuality and while still likely attacked by sexual temptations, master them quickly and move on. If we were all like that, then we could probably go back to Garden of Eden style of dress.

The second group are trying to be good but fail at times or even quite often, but they keep trying. This is where probably most the population is and **we are responsible to help them **within reason. It doesn’t mean that head scarves for Americans (though I expect it likely does help in the middle east), but cleavage, spandex, short skirts, etc… are suggestive and thus should be avoided.

The third group are looking to sin. A woman could be dressed in one of the giant cloakish garbs of Mary and they would just look and imagine the face onto a nude form. People like this are embracing sin and need not be taken into accout when dressing.

I think many people try to escape this service simply saying I" thought it was a cute shirt so if you were offended I’m sorry but I didn’t mean to be scandolus." then they move on and wear the outfit again thinking that person was a nut. All the while the people that complament the shirt are complamenting it because they are appreciating a girl revealing her sexuality in public.

I’d say a persons intent can make immoral dress go from venial sin to mortal, but I’m not sure that lack of intent can make immoral dress okay.

 

[whatevergirl]

I have to totally disagree on this Adriana Lima person. I clicked her wikipedia link to see just what ‘super model’ means and she is a “Victoria Secrets Model” amoung other things.

With how advertising works in modern culture I do not think that anyone can be an under wear modle and claim they don’t put the opposite sex into bad positions.

If Victoria’s Secret Models were just on pictures in their stores or only in thier catologs, then one could honestly say “that man was looking to find those pictures”, but their pictures and many other businesses as well are on billboards, run as commercial ads, and are banners on seeming respectable web-sites. So, no I’d say that Lima (while likly a very nice person) is causing…or participating…in the downfall of very many men and should cease such activities.

But it’s far more than just her. There are whole prime time shows that center on sex. “Deal or no Deal” has a buffet of temptation that many people hardly notice, but many others are salivating over. Pretending there isn’t lusting and enticement of lusting there is just to blatently lie. (enticement by the network, show designers, and yeah the models have to accept blame for it too)

I agree with you about the show deal or no deal. I guess the show isn’t entertaining enough…so scantilly clad girls need to be the ones opening the suitcases? I think as a woman, I enjoy being told I’m sexy or pretty by my husband…But, when I see shows like this–it makes me wonder if women have really come all that far…in the past say 50 yrs.

 

[Pixie_Dust]

I agree with you about the show deal or no deal. I guess the show isn’t entertaining enough…so scantilly clad girls need to be the ones opening the suitcases? I think as a woman, I enjoy being told I’m sexy or pretty by my husband…But, when I see shows like this–it makes me wonder if women have really come all that far…in the past say 50 yrs.

Scantily clad women are a staple in most game shows. Vanna White, Barker’s Beauties, etc… Jeopardy seems to be the only show that has never needed a hot chick to keep the ratings up.

 

[whatevergirl]

Scantily clad women are a staple in most game shows. Vanna White, Barker’s Beauties, etc… Jeopardy seems to be the only show that has never needed a hot chick to keep the ratings up.

LOL–exactly.

 

[Cari]

It’s very hard to buy clothes for my daughters. It’s easier now that the fashions are going a little toward longer shirts and more modest outlines. I’ve always told them they are responsible for the thoughts they engender in men if they are dressed scantily. They disagree strongly. But they are young. They don’t understand their responsibility in this. Yes, there are men who will leer no matter what you wear. Do you want to make it easier for them?

With all charity and respect, I have to let out a resounding EEK! At this. Telling someone they’re responsible for another’s thoughts if dressed scantilly seems a quick slide down a slippery slope to the “she was wearing a short skirt, so she was asking for it” mentality. They’re responsible for men’s thoughts if the skirt is an inch above the knee, but an inch below lets them off the hook?

Now, as Christians, we should help one another bear our crosses, and it behooves all of us, men and women alike, if we dress in a manner that shows respect for ourselves and our neighbors. However, it’s hard for me to swallow that I’m responsible for another’s thoughts.

Then again, my oldest daughter is only 5, and I get utter control over what she wears.

Cheers,
Cari

 

[whatevergirl]

Liberano…women are not responsible for the bad thoughts men have…men are responsible for those thoughts. There will always be temptations to sin…I don’t think I would tell my kids to blame others though for their sins and shortcomings. Ultimately…we all have a choice. I understand your point, truly I do. But, women have to worry about their own purity…and part of it, yes…is not tempting men. But, men can tempt women too…it does go both ways. They just do it in different ways, than women do.

 

[Timothy_486]

Forgive me for being… reluctant… to come down on “sexy” dress at times. I certainly would not encourage any daughter of mine to dress like a Nashville hooker, but I don’t see why any girl can’t dress in a way to attract men. When I met my girlfriend (fiance now actually), we were at the beach and being a terribly hot summer day year she decided to wear a swimsuit of minimal coverage as possible. Well it certainly did catch my eye, but thanks to that we met, fell in love, and shes the nicest Christian girl you could meet. Is my situation the exception or the norm? I don’t know. All I know is that while we shouldn’t promote women to dress like skanks, I see no problems with being sexy either.