To break up or not?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Avena
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

Avena

Guest
Hello to all!
Sorry if it’s gonna be long… Three years ago when I even wasn’t thinking about practicing religion, I started relationship with a guy and all this time with him was great, I considered him as the love of my life, my best friend and a person I want to spend my life with. Half a year ago he had to move to a different city than mine, we were planning that I’ll follow him this spring and have a wedding by the end of 2012.
Since he left I’ve found my way back to Catholic church which made me realize that my whole life and relationships have been all wrong. I felt deep guilt, went to confessions and try to be a new person now. I’m so glad about it! 🙂
But my boyfriend hasn’t understood that, he’s non-christian and thinks that it’s just a period in my life which will end sooner or later. He is ready to wait as long as needed. The thing is that I know that I want to be more and more Catholic!! I don’t feel that I can do that if he’s around and doesn’t practice my religion. We discussed it when he came to visit me 2 weeks ago and the only solution we found is to break up as he doesn’t want to change or go to church. During his visit I also noticed his non-christian behavior and views that never bothered me before!! It’s sad to realize but I also noticed my feelings towards him have changed and I’m not that keen to move anywhere anymore…. Maybe I’ve never wanted to move at all.
I still care a lot about him and know that despite all he’s a nice guy and really loves me. This really makes me feel very guilty as I have hurt his feelings a lot 😦 Also I feel guilty towards myself as I was so sure he’s the one for me but now I’ve started to doubt it thinking how could I be so wrong 😦
I realize that I probably never gonna meet another guy who would love me as much as he does but at the same time I don’t feel enough will to pray for him to find God. I really feel messed up, I don’t know if I just need more strength to pray for our relationships or I should move on and deal with the guilt I feel now.
I would really like to hear your suggestions for this situation as I really would need some Catholic view on it!
 
When choosing a spouse, it is important to consider one who can help you in your spiritual journey. It seems you haven’t found that, yet.

Since this is Lent, it might be an especially effective time for you to meditate on Jesus’ Passion.
 
Hello I was in a similar situation to you however am not a female. Anyways, I had dated a girl in my late adolescence for 2 years and we made the mistake of having sex and calling it love. I do not know your situation but sounds to me like God is calling you back home yet you are clinging to something that will severely inhibit your new-found religious life. If your boyfriend truly loves you he would understand and do everything he could to make it work. Do not listen to the Devil’s lies by thinking you will never find someone else who will love you as much. Imagine the love you will find when you meet that man that has a selfless love for you and that you can share your religion with. Religion is so so so important in marriage…feelings of guilt are normal and it will take a long time to heal from the relationship…at least months but just know that marriage is sacred and once you say “I do” that’s the end of it, if you feel like it is a mistake it most likely is. Don’t feel like you owe him your entire life just because you have been together for a long period of time. Dating is to find the soul mate right for you, not to follow someone around like a lost puppy.
 
My experience with this is you must stop and ask yourself this, do I really want to be closer and more in love with Christ and His church?? I would say this is a hard question,but I think you know as well as I do the answer and what you have to and need to do. We were never promised this life was gonna be easy but the reward will be so much worth it…God bless and take some really good time before the Blessed Sacrement not to speak but to listen to Him.
 
There’s one point about which I respectfully disagree with you. You say that this guy really loves you. NO HE DOES NOT. If I he REALLY loved you, he’d very EASILY convert to your religion if that is what was necessary to get you as his wife.

You should THANK GOD that you found out through all this that this guy, though he was willing to get married to you, has and had very weak and shallow commitment to you and to his relationship with you.

You just got spared a BIG blow to the heart!

Now, just get on on Match.com or eHarmony and find some one else to marry. No use in dragging this out. If you are ready to be a wife and start a family, then get on it with it.

Just complete blot out of your mind that former dude you almost married. When thoughts of him pop in, just scream out to yourself silently, “Thank you God for sparing me from a divorce!”

Beware: This guy who blew you off when you got religious might come pursuing you again in about 18 months when he finds he can’t find anyone else as good as you. But don’t even answer his phone calls or emails. He will never change. MOVE ON! He might seem to suddenly “change,” but then 2 years later he’ll be complaining about your excessive religiousness, and 3 years later he’ll run off with a waitress from Hooters and you’ll never see him again and will never even get a single child support check. I’m not kidding!

Don’t feel guilty about this situation. God is always good, and He just did you a big favor. Thank him. Do some favors for others too, yourself (but not the former boyfriend who tossed your overboard because you love God).

I really don’t recommend expecting God to just send you a new guy to marry. God won’t cook your breakfast in the morning, and he won’t send you a guy to marry either. Religious or not, Catholic or not, we all have to go out and earn and get stuff just like everyone else. Right-e-o?
 
hi there!.. you should actually feel very happy and blessed because God gave you the opportunity to come ‘home’! one thing i learned from my church is the heirarchy of a good relationship… a successful relationship works especially when you include God in it… first comes God ( and his commandments) then your spouse and then everyone else… think about it for a minute… there are no such things as coincidences and everything happens for a reason… you may not realize it now, but there was a reason why you felt compelled to come back to Christianity… you may not realize it now, but however nice this guy may have been well… he is not for you if he wants you to ditch your religion… never let someone dictate what your beliefs should be or try to change who you are… when you are with someone they should encourage you and lift you up as a person… being Christian is not just going to church, but its a wonderful way of life! it has changed me completely… whenever i worry about anything or don’t know just what to do, i pray to God and let him take over… when you trust in God he will show you the way and make opportunities happen! don’t give up on God because you think that you will not find anyone else to love you… for God has his plans for you and if you trust him you just may see that he has someone who is perfect for you and shares your beliefs in Christ… don’t be afraid of life and stick to what’s comfortable or secure because you will one day regret it… lets say that you decided to go with this guy at the expense of forgetting “this phase” as he put it… then what? there are no guarantees in life… what if the unexpected happened and you gave your heart and soul and 110% to this guy and he cheated on you or decided that it just was not working out or any number of scenarios could happen… what then? Our faith in God is what keeps us going! it is our incentive to make the most of this short life in order to have eternal life with him… if you walk away from God now, where would you end up tomorrow? Life for me has become more beautiful because of my relationship with God! it hasn’t always been that way… unfortunately it took my father’s passing to make me question my faith and more importantly myself. but i now consider it a blessing because i found such an inner peace and security… i would not trade that for anything! you need to love yourself more and give youself more credit than you have… you deserve more than to just settle for what’s infront of you out of fear… you found God and that’s the best love you could have found! don’t worry, if it was meant to be between you two then he will find God too! trust me… i went through some hardships and i thought i would never find love again… i thought i was going to be alone my whole life and it truly scared me… but one day like puzzle pieces coming together God brought me to someone so perfect for me… we are now married and have our first child… and we are stronger together because we share our faith… don’t give up, better things await you!
 
Dating is a discernment of marriage. Marriage is a vocation where spouses assist each other in living in a way that draws each other closer to God. Have you discerned that you can do this together?
 
I dated a young man for 5 yrs and he went to Catholic schools and I had no religious upbringing. I came into the Church, very happily, and he was not impressed. We broke up and it broke my heart. As I continued to go to Church, I met wonderful people who love Christ, who were raising their families, and really are awesome. I had no clue there were people like that and my hope for married life and family changed dramatically. I am very grateful to the married Catholic couples who showed me how awesome married life could be. I can honestly say now that the guy who I was heart broken over, well, I wouldn’t agree to a cup of coffee with him today. I’ve grown in Christ and my expectation of a life partner to walk through life with has been bumped up seriously. He just doesn’t cut it now. I wish I could go back in time to console myself and my broken heart that better things were in store for me, walking with God. Thanks for the opportunity to share that story with you and to encourage you that God is not boring and has a wonderful plan for your life. Thank Him that you are not married to this guy and tell Him how confident you are in His love and His plan for you!
God bless.
 
It sounds like it would be best if you broke up with him.
 
Bartolome_Casas said:
There’s one point about which I respectfully disagree with you. You say that this guy really loves you. NO HE DOES NOT. If I he REALLY loved you, he’d very EASILY convert to your religion if that is what was necessary to get you as his wife.
Click to expand...
Really? HUH? This is what I don’t get about most people. You can change what you believe as a matter of willpower alone? And you would do it for a fickle reason like that?

I would like to think our beliefs have a better basis than “well, it’s what everyone else is doing!”
 
Veritas I totally agree with you, we shouldn’t be pushing her into getting into another realtionship so that she gets what she wants…I believe her real question is about finding her true relationship with Christ and His church,not “blocking out” her past but rather moving on in the right direction.
 
VGARZA1972 said:
Veritas I totally agree with you, we shouldn’t be pushing her into getting into another realtionship so that she gets what she wants…I believe her real question is about finding her true relationship with Christ and His church,not “blocking out” her past but rather moving on in the right direction.
Click to expand...
We can’t really push her into anything. This is her decision to make for herself, however she has asked us for our advice and so we are doing her a favor by giving it to her. Moreover, she has stated that she feels like this relationship will become a hindrence in her relationship with Jesus, which tells us that she is not merely concerned about what she wants in a relationship, but that she wants God to be number one in her life, which is as it should be.
 
Avena said:
Hello to all!
Sorry if it’s gonna be long… Three years ago when I even wasn’t thinking about practicing religion, I started relationship with a guy and all this time with him was great, I considered him as the love of my life, my best friend and a person I want to spend my life with. Half a year ago he had to move to a different city than mine, we were planning that I’ll follow him this spring and have a wedding by the end of 2012.
Since he left I’ve found my way back to Catholic church which made me realize that my whole life and relationships have been all wrong. I felt deep guilt, went to confessions and try to be a new person now. I’m so glad about it! 🙂
But my boyfriend hasn’t understood that, he’s non-christian and thinks that it’s just a period in my life which will end sooner or later. He is ready to wait as long as needed. The thing is that I know that I want to be more and more Catholic!! I don’t feel that I can do that if he’s around and doesn’t practice my religion. We discussed it when he came to visit me 2 weeks ago and the only solution we found is to break up as he doesn’t want to change or go to church. During his visit I also noticed his non-christian behavior and views that never bothered me before!! It’s sad to realize but I also noticed my feelings towards him have changed and I’m not that keen to move anywhere anymore…. Maybe I’ve never wanted to move at all.
I still care a lot about him and know that despite all he’s a nice guy and really loves me. This really makes me feel very guilty as I have hurt his feelings a lot 😦 Also I feel guilty towards myself as I was so sure he’s the one for me but now I’ve started to doubt it thinking how could I be so wrong 😦
I realize that I probably never gonna meet another guy who would love me as much as he does but at the same time I don’t feel enough will to pray for him to find God. I really feel messed up, I don’t know if I just need more strength to pray for our relationships or I should move on and deal with the guilt I feel now.
I would really like to hear your suggestions for this situation as I really would need some Catholic view on it!
Click to expand...
Dear one, I cannot understand what you are going through exactly, as I have never been in your situation. But I can tell you that God has not called you home to the Church without a reason. You are fortunate that you did not marry this young man and THEN realize that God wanted you back! Having lived that life, I can tell you that it is very difficult. I know you feel guilty but you really didn’t do anything yourself to cause this. It is God who has intervened. Of course your boyfriend, since he doesn’t believe, will have a hard time with the truth, but be that as it may, your path is clear.

You say you are probably never going to meet another guy who will love you as much as this young man does? Balderdash! Since you know that God must be at the center of every solid relationship, and your former boyfriend does not know God, then his love for you is solely focused on YOU and not God, which is not the rock of solid ground for a relationship to be built upon. A couple should be dedicated to God first, each other second. And each person should be dedicated to helping the other person get to Heaven. How can you have a true mate who cannot help you get to Heaven? Trust me, on this point, I know it from the inside out! My husband loves me, but he can’t pray for me or with me. He tells me I don’t need confession! :eek: And believe it or not, he’s Catholic by sacrament. Double :eek:

If you’ve already told your former boyfriend that you are breaking up, try to pray for him. Not that you will be his intended, but that before he finds anyone else, he does find Christ. That’s the least you can do for him.

Don’t rush into another relationship right now. You should draw closer to Christ and leave space for Him to fulfill you before you start discerning marriage. Make sure you are focused on Christ first.
 
Thank you all for your answers, I really appreciate it! Really, I try to find the way for my new love for Christ not abandoning my past, but don’t know if it’s possible…
You write that God stopped me right in time before entering marriage but I wonder why He didn’t stop me before I entered relationship and started sexual relations 😦
I guess my faith has been too sudden for my boyfriend and I believe after some time he would accept it, but I don’t want him to do that only because I’m Catholic, I want him to do that because he truly believes in God! I could pray for that a lot, but there is no guarantee it would ever work. I’m not so sure I have enough strength and faith to be the only one in my new family who cares about being Christian.
Moreover, yesterday I forgot to mention that I have become attached to my church and its people already, if moving to his city, Catholic church won’t be that close and I’m afraid one day I would give up going to Mass, especially if he won’t support me, the church will be far and I won’t know anyone there. And I really don’t want that, I also don’t want it the way TheRealJuliane described, my boyfriend also says that I don’t need confession!
And I’m sure I won’t look for dates right now. I actually can’t imagine dating another person as it doesn’t sound Christian to me - I throw away someone as a trash just because he’s non-christian especially that I didn’t bother when entering relationship! How can I be sure God’s will for me isn’t helping my boyfriend to find Him but to give me new person to love Him together?
I will keep looking for the answer and pray for the right decision to make!
 
Avena said:
Thank you all for your answers, I really appreciate it! Really, I try to find the way for my new love for Christ not abandoning my past, but don’t know if it’s possible…
You write that God stopped me right in time before entering marriage but I wonder why He didn’t stop me before I entered relationship and started sexual relations 😦
I guess my faith has been too sudden for my boyfriend and I believe after some time he would accept it, but I don’t want him to do that only because I’m Catholic, I want him to do that because he truly believes in God! I could pray for that a lot, but there is no guarantee it would ever work. I’m not so sure I have enough strength and faith to be the only one in my new family who cares about being Christian.
Moreover, yesterday I forgot to mention that I have become attached to my church and its people already, if moving to his city, Catholic church won’t be that close and I’m afraid one day I would give up going to Mass, especially if he won’t support me, the church will be far and I won’t know anyone there. And I really don’t want that, I also don’t want it the way TheRealJuliane described, my boyfriend also says that I don’t need confession!
And I’m sure I won’t look for dates right now. I actually can’t imagine dating another person as it doesn’t sound Christian to me - I throw away someone as a trash just because he’s non-christian especially that I didn’t bother when entering relationship! How can I be sure God’s will for me isn’t helping my boyfriend to find Him but to give me new person to love Him together?
I will keep looking for the answer and pray for the right decision to make!
Click to expand...
God will never make us love Him. This is our choice. Sin is generally our choice. He does often allow us to make paths that best serve Him out of that sin though after we repent though.
 
It is completely understandable that you are feeling sad as you are—you have developed a bond with this person. However, if he can’t accept the fact that your faith important to you, how can your relationship really work? You aren’t asking that he does a complete metamorphisis by accepting God, Christ, and converting to Catholicism. You are simply expecting, and rightfully so, that he accept and respect your fairth. Let’s take a few snippets from your post:
Avena said:
But my boyfriend hasn’t understood that, he’s non-christian and thinks that it’s just a period in my life which will end sooner or later. He is ready to wait as long as needed.
Click to expand...
Ready to wait as long as needed? For what? So this little Jesus freak [in his mind] can get over her issues? This isn’t a “problem” like alcholism or gambling that you have to get over. You are growing in your faith and realizing how important it is to you. He doesn’t need to be religious for you two to work out; however, he should at least respect and accept that your faith is important to you.
Avena said:
During his visit I also noticed his non-christian behavior and views that never bothered me before!! It’s sad to realize but I also noticed my feelings towards him have changed and I’m not that keen to move anywhere anymore…. Maybe I’ve never wanted to move at all.
Click to expand...
Yes, this will happen. As you become more grounded in your faith, you will begin to notice things bother you that didn’t before–the same thing happened to me. You shouldn’t feel guilty, though. There are ways to express your feelings in a charitable way. What type of non-christian behavior are you talking about? Some are easier to compromise on than others. For example, if he is not Catholic, you shouldn’t expect him to want to go to Mass with you. However, if he wants to compel you to not get married in the Church, that is something that needs to be addressed.
Avena said:
I realize that I probably never gonna meet another guy who would love me as much as he does
Click to expand...
Get this kind of thinking out of your mind as fast as possible. As soon as these thoughts come to mind, get into the habit of ignoring them and replacing them with accurate thoughts. That is a pretty bold statement by saying that you will NEVER meet another guy who would love you as much as he does. It is normal to think negatively when a relationship is not going well; however, if you get into the habit of thinking like this, you will really start to believe it. You sound like a lovely lady–I am sure this is not the truth at all.
 
Avena said:
Thank you all for your answers, I really appreciate it! Really, I try to find the way for my new love for Christ not abandoning my past, but don’t know if it’s possible…
You write that God stopped me right in time before entering marriage but I wonder why He didn’t stop me before I entered relationship and started sexual relations 😦
I guess my faith has been too sudden for my boyfriend and I believe after some time he would accept it, but I don’t want him to do that only because I’m Catholic, I want him to do that because he truly believes in God! I could pray for that a lot, but there is no guarantee it would ever work. I’m not so sure I have enough strength and faith to be the only one in my new family who cares about being Christian.
Moreover, yesterday I forgot to mention that I have become attached to my church and its people already, if moving to his city, Catholic church won’t be that close and I’m afraid one day I would give up going to Mass, especially if he won’t support me, the church will be far and I won’t know anyone there. And I really don’t want that, I also don’t want it the way TheRealJuliane described, my boyfriend also says that I don’t need confession!
And I’m sure I won’t look for dates right now. I actually can’t imagine dating another person as it doesn’t sound Christian to me - I throw away someone as a trash just because he’s non-christian especially that I didn’t bother when entering relationship! How can I be sure God’s will for me isn’t helping my boyfriend to find Him but to give me new person to love Him together?
I will keep looking for the answer and pray for the right decision to make!
Click to expand...
God can’t stop us from doing things during our lives - we have free will. I am sorry that you became sexually intimate with your boyfriend, it will be harder to break up with him.

You are not “throwing someone away as trash” because you are breaking up with him. And God does not want your former boyfriend to be taken on as your special project, to bring him to Christ. Please do not do that! It’s not your job, but the Holy Spirit’s, to lead that young man to Christ. Being “unequally yoked” is not the way to construct a marriage, it gives more problems and is a challenge I would not recommend to anyone. No matter how strong a Catholic you believe yourself to be, a 1 legged stool cannot stand. You alone cannot make a marriage, even if you believe in God. It needs to be you, your husband, and God together.

Do not consider moving! You are already far beyond that choice. You have already talked to your boyfriend about breaking up. That is the only sensible way forward.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
God can’t stop us from doing things during our lives - we have free will. I am sorry that you became sexually intimate with your boyfriend, it will be harder to break up with him.

You are not “throwing someone away as trash” because you are breaking up with him. And God does not want your former boyfriend to be taken on as your special project, to bring him to Christ. Please do not do that! It’s not your job, but the Holy Spirit’s, to lead that young man to Christ. Being “unequally yoked” is not the way to construct a marriage, it gives more problems and is a challenge I would not recommend to anyone. No matter how strong a Catholic you believe yourself to be, a 1 legged stool cannot stand. You alone cannot make a marriage, even if you believe in God. It needs to be you, your husband, and God together.

Do not consider moving! You are already far beyond that choice. You have already talked to your boyfriend about breaking up. That is the only sensible way forward.
Click to expand...
👍 All good advise, especially the part as being “unequally yoked,” is not the way to construct a marriage.
 
Thank you all again, I really needed to hear this and I guess I’m finally on the right way 🙂
TheRealJuliane said:
Do not consider moving! You are already far beyond that choice. You have already talked to your boyfriend about breaking up. That is the only sensible way forward.
Click to expand...
Thank you, I will pray for strength to follow that. And God’s ways are not our ways indeed! I was planning to start a new life by moving and marriage but now I will start a new life with Christ 🙂

God bless you all!
 
When you are deciding whether or not to marry someone think, “If something happened to me, would my spouse raise my children properly?” If you aren’t sure or you think that the answer is no then you shouldn’t get married. If you think your spouse would raise your children to live without your faith or to be indifferent towards it, then that is a deal-breaker.

I cannot tell you how important it is to have a spouse that shares your beliefs. Your religious beliefs are the core of who you are as a person. It is best to make that core as similar to your spouse as possible.

It is always possible to be friends with people that are drastically different than you, but marriage is an entirely different animal. When you marry you unite for life and a shared faith only makes that bond stronger.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top