To drink or not to drink?

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crusader4life

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I’m in a bit of a dilemma. I don’t support under age drinking unless it’s in an enviornment where the parent/guardian is present and it’s all in moderation. (That’s straight with God’s law and the nations law right?) This doesn’t mean I don’t like/love my peers who do, I always treat them with respect, but I just can’t stand up for that action.

The problem is that I’m in a relationship with someone who enjoys drinking. In the past he’s gone over board once in both drinking too much at one party, and just drinking moderately several times with in a week or two. I told him if he wants our relationship to work he needs to stop. For it just makes it harder for me to fully relate to him and to strengthen our relationship if he does this. (I told him it’s like us and committing venial sins against God…it doesn’t destroy the relationship, but it certainly makes it harder, and it can lead to worse things. But he’s not Catholic…he’s just a non-denominational Christian so he doesn’t fully understands what I’m trying to srticulate to him). He understood well enough though to see how important it was to me and he hasn’t drank in about three weeks now.
So now the Super Bowl is coming up, and his roommate wants to have a party for this event. The roommate doesn’t want to and doesn’t like to drink alone and he has been for a couple times now (because each time he does he feels bad and like he’s being looked down upon).

I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks, and my friend was there for me through and through. (Which I am forever thankful for). And the other day I was asked if for a award for sticking around could I let him drink in moderation for the Super Bowl. (I also thought, in a relationship, shouldn’t I, my care and love be award enough for him?)

Another thing, he’s been asking me if I wouldn’t mind him drinking in moderation (and every once in a while) ever since he’s stopped drinking.

I don’t know what to do. I trust that he will go in moderation…but I don’t want to let my own standards go down, or do I want history to repeat itself where he says he’ll do one thing and then within a matter of short time the oath quickly dies away. He told I’m about the only one who go by my sort of standards about drinking. Is he right? Am I missing something that’s not against God’s teachings? Should I treat quitting drinking like a gradual quit or should I stand by my “cold turkey” thinking? He never drank enough for it to be a habit, but this is pretty much new to him and he enjoys it.

Anyone’s help would be most apprieciated. I have a good idea what I need to do, but now I need support and some direction.
 
if you are underage you have no business being at a party where there will be drinking, and the hosts of the party have no business providing alcohol if there are underage guests. It is a violation of the law for one thing, and incredibly stupid for another.
 
You do not mention ages here, but I suspect you are both underage. Whether or not this is the case, I suspect the beginnings of a problem with alcohol in this person. My very best advice, and I know whereof I speak, is to run as fast as you can. No one person is the perfect one for you, and better to extricate yourself from this situation than to pay for it the rest of your life.

If I am right, I pray you will have the courage to do this. Never be afraid to stand up for your principles. They will always hold you in good stead. God bless.
 
Not to drink.

Someone who asks if its OK if he “drinks in moderation as a reward” sounds like a budding alcoholic. I deal with them often, and it is not a pretty picture. Save your friend’s life, and maybe your own, by saying NO.
 
Women who think they can change men usually end up very bitter, disappointed and divorced.

Your boy’s a drinker. Accept it and recognize that it’s going to be a part of your life and that of your children.

Or, realize this boy is not suitable husband material and move on.
 
Dear Crusader4life,

I think our views on alcohol vary depending upon the society and its attitudes. I’m from Australia and correct me if I’m wrong but America is rather strict on under age drinking. In Australia we are a little bit more lenient but many drink just to get drunk. Just a couple of nights ago when we were out for a work do, a 15 year old girl got absolutely hammered, (to fit in with us 18 year olds I believe.) When I went to Europe though, every body drank from a young age but at the pubs there were not rolling drunk people because I think Europeans view alcohol in a far healthier light, maybe your boyfriend needs to re-evaluate his attitude towards drinking and the way he drinks. Maybe beer, coffee, water, beer, coke, wine, scoth and water?
 
Hi Crusader,

In my experience as a relative and friend of alcoholics, both recovering and active, I have learned that alcoholism is a very cunning, baffling and powerful illness. It is a spiritual as well as a physical, mental and emotional illness. It’s also an illness that can leave family members and friends who have never touched a drop of the stuff just as sick and crazed.

I don’t know if your friend is an alcoholic. You are much closer to the situation and suggest he isn’t. And I’ve found that with underage drinking, it is especially hard to tell because teens and young adults are more likely to relish in the fact that it is forbidden and engage in binge drinking. Some grow out of it, some get worse.

But I do know that I had to stop letting my drinkers take up a tremendous space in my head when I tried to control the ways that they drank. I did this by recognizing that I was powerless over the situation and that a Higher Power (whom I choose to call God) could help both me and the alcoholics, and by gradually learning to turn over the alcoholics to God’s care.

This kind of turning over isn’t the simple praying for a friend that I often did automatically and didn’t really mean; it is a real learning to trust God with the care of someone I love and not taking it back. It requires a very real faith, and we know what was said about faith the size of a mustard seed.

But I also found that as I learned to do this, I got better. As I got better, some of my alcoholics got better while others chose to continue with their drinking. But I am more understanding of where they are in life and I continue to trust them to God. My relationships with all of them have improved.

If you wish to learn more about how alcoholism affects the family members and friends of drinkers, there are two groups I can recommend to you. One is Al-Anon, for those who have been affected by another’s drinking. The other is Alateen, which is just like Al-Anon but is specifically an organization of teenagers helping other teenagers. You can find the Web site for both groups at al-anon.org/. If you root around there, you can find information on meetings in your area and literature and other things that may help. You can also find a list of online Al-Anon meetings – both by e-mail and chat – at ola-is.org/index.htm.

I hope this helps. I will say a prayer for you.

– meno
 
I agree with the posters who advised you to run from this guy! If you feel strongly about drinking, you will only be hurt by someone who doesn’t share your convictions.

As the sister and granddaughter of alcoholics, I have come to detest drinking because of the destruction it causes. My husband doesn’t feel as strongly as I do, but after we’d been married for a few years, he gave up drinking when he’s around me. He used to drink maybe 4 times a year, now it’s almost never, and he’s never gotten drunk. If he’s somewhere where there is drinking, and I’m not there, he will have a beer or two. I can accept this, but I don’t like it. It physically pains me when he drinks. I still pray that God will change one or both of our hearts so that we can be in complete harmony about the issue.

I’ll be praying for you.

Janelle
 
Thank you all for your advice. I will learn to to trust God more with this situation and I will most certainly keep my principles.

He’s not drinking for the Super bowl which leaves a sigh of relief, but this situation resolved. Last night he told me that he had a little bit of vodka with some sprite a couple of nights ago, but didn’t even finish it. This news was followed by my silence. Then with sincerity he apologized and then asked me to please be patient with him for he has many faults.

That was the first time I ever hear him say that. I was surprised! Afterwards, we had one of the best conversations that I can remember relating to this situation and our own relationship with God. It was very cool, and it was a great blessing to me to witness it.

Side note: Before last night’s conversation (and after that drink), my friend mentioned that he’s been thinking about this conflict and told me that realized this situation really comes down between me or drinking. He then said that drinking is certainly not the most imoportant of the two.

I’ll do what Christ did and forgive, but I won’t let my self get brainwashed and forget the past or to let my standards slide. I will also leave it up to God and rely on Him for trust, love and strength. I thank you all again for your advice. I will do my best to uphold good morals, AKA Christ’s morals!
 
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asquared:
if you are underage you have no business being at a party where there will be drinking, and the hosts of the party have no business providing alcohol if there are underage guests. It is a violation of the law for one thing, and incredibly stupid for another.
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what exacly is the acceptbale age to drink? 21? 20? 19?, 18? 16? Every country is diferent with their laws. I realy don’t care anymore as I am 21 but from a catholic perspective, there never was an age established at least none that I know of.
 
To Drink!

Yeah so I’ll get **** for that but whatever. Drinking in moderation is great. Age limits arent nearly as important as maturity level. Im not saying keep seein this guy, thats your call, but if he can start drinking in moderation there is no big deal. I cant stand hearing all about “none until your 21”. If you ask me thats why we have so much alcoholism and drunk driving accidents here in the states. When you constantly tell kids how bad alcohol is but when they turn 21 say its ok to drink that just doesnt work. In fact its downright stupid. It makes them want to drink even more and then when they do they overdo it cause they dont have any responsible exposure to it, just other kids wanting to get hammered. Yeah so thats my stance if you want to yell at me for that PM me and dont take over this forum.

I do hope that doesnt make me sound like a bad person…
 
sorry, but i should also add that if he cant keep drinking within moderation then kick his booty to the curb for sure. If he isnt mature enough to drink in moderation, he isnt good enough for you.
 
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Homebrew_roots:
To Drink!

Yeah so I’ll get **** for that but whatever. Drinking in moderation is great. Age limits arent nearly as important as maturity level. Im not saying keep seein this guy, thats your call, but if he can start drinking in moderation there is no big deal. I cant stand hearing all about “none until your 21”. If you ask me thats why we have so much alcoholism and drunk driving accidents here in the states. When you constantly tell kids how bad alcohol is but when they turn 21 say its ok to drink that just doesnt work. In fact its downright stupid. It makes them want to drink even more and then when they do they overdo it cause they dont have any responsible exposure to it, just other kids wanting to get hammered. Yeah so thats my stance if you want to yell at me for that PM me and dont take over this forum.

I do hope that doesnt make me sound like a bad person…
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I don’t think you are a bad person, just one very uninformed about alcoholism. Some people can’t drink in moderation. They start, they can’t stop and they continue to go downhill little by little. They have no control over this disease. It affects not only the drinker but everyone in his life as well. You are right about kids often doing what you tell them not to do. But it is incumbent on their parents and others in authority to educate them on the problems that may arise with alcohol. Are many of them going to do it anyway–yes. But hopefully someone in their lives will help them see what this may lead to–and often the first signs of this disease begin in the teens and early twenties.
 
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Homebrew_roots:
To Drink!

Yeah so I’ll get **** for that but whatever. Drinking in moderation is great. Age limits arent nearly as important as maturity level. Im not saying keep seein this guy, thats your call, but if he can start drinking in moderation there is no big deal. I cant stand hearing all about “none until your 21”. If you ask me thats why we have so much alcoholism and drunk driving accidents here in the states. When you constantly tell kids how bad alcohol is but when they turn 21 say its ok to drink that just doesnt work. In fact its downright stupid. It makes them want to drink even more and then when they do they overdo it cause they dont have any responsible exposure to it, just other kids wanting to get hammered. Yeah so thats my stance if you want to yell at me for that PM me and dont take over this forum.

I do hope that doesnt make me sound like a bad person…
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By definition teenagers are not mature. Being intelligent does not mean being mature. Wisdom and maturity come with age and experience.
 
mary bobo:
I don’t think you are a bad person, just one very uninformed about alcoholism. Some people can’t drink in moderation. They start, they can’t stop and they continue to go downhill little by little. They have no control over this disease. It affects not only the drinker but everyone in his life as well. .
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absolutely right. entrusting your happiness to such a person is a guarantee of a life of misery, take if from those of us who have been there. If a person, especially a teenager, cannot have a good time and cannot participate in any social event or entertainment without alcohol (or drugs) that is the surest sign of an addictive personality who is on the way of being a full-blown alcoholic or already there (for most this disease first manifests in adolescence) it is also a sign of an asocial immature personality.
 
UNtreated alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, and FATAL illness. I am not exaggerating. I am giving you the actual definition of alcoholism. Untreated, it never gets better, it only gets worse.

Without a doubt, you are witnessing the beginning stages of alcoholism.

Unfortunately, one of the major symptoms of alcoholism is DENIAL, the belief that one does not have the disease. It is the ONLY disease that tells the mind and body that it does not exit.

You see his actions as a MORAL problem and are trying to deal with it on a moral level. Since his body is telling him he does NOT have a disease, he will also probably see it as a MORAL problem too.

He will become increasingly baffled, frustrated, angry and guilt- ridden when he cannot control his “bad” behavior. A moral breakdown, which is another red-flag SYMPTOM of the disease, will inevitably occur as he tries to rationalize his lack of control of drinking. His guilt will have him lie about his usage, hide the times and amount of usage, blame people, life or circumstances for “driving” him to drink.

What is so sad is that it can take years or decades – if EVER – for a person to get past the symptom of denial and recognize they have an illness.

He is not a BAD person who needs to get BETTER. He is a SICK person who needs to get WELL.

Were he ill with diabetes, cancer, multiple sclerosis, or some other disease, I’m sure you would find all the information possible to know what you were up against and how to deal with it. These diseases cannot be treated by an appeal to the sufferer’s morals…and neither can alcoholism be treated by an appeal to the sufferer’s morals alone. Until reality can break through the symptom of denial, which often does not occur until there has been a complete breakdown of behavior, treatment cannot begin for the alcoholic.

I sincerely hope that you will take the time to read and learn everything you can about alcoholism. My sincerest prayers go out to you.

Just me,
breeze
 
Call me crazy - the drinking is furter down the list… The OP is Catholic. My advice, wish this young man well, pray for him - and find a nice Catholic boy.
 
I can see where everyone is coming from with alcoholism, but should this be treated any differently if it’s more of a temptation and curiousity drive?

Like I mentioned earlier, this is still kind of new to him. So he has a natural drive to go and explore and to continue this experience. The first time wasn’t a necessarily good experience for him, but he liked how it helped warmed him up a little to relax and socialize. That feeling was cool and fun to him, and because he’s not of age to have access to alcoholic beverages the desire to do it is stronger and it can get difficult to cut off the temptation. He said it was like finding and playing a new fun video game: It’s blast playing it with friends and exploring the various levels and types of the game you can play, but because you don’t own your own machine to play the game to play it whenever you want, it makes you desire to play the game more when your mind wonders into that territory. That makes a lot of sense to me because I went through that situation, and I’m still on the road of totally freeing myself from that too.

I am confident (unless the situation takes a nasty turn) that he’s not going to turn out for the worst or towards alcoholicism, he has all ready overcome a tremendous amount of peer pressure and temptations to directly end up there. If I were permissive or didn’t care, then yes he could turn out for the worse. As of now, I trust in God that things will turn out for what’s best. I’ll stay forever vigil with this as I keep my sights on the Lord.
 
I certainly do not agree that you should ‘kick the guy to the curb’ as one poster put it. If he has problems, of course you should pray for him. But also you need to help him in a real and physical sense. Ask him why he does what he does, show him possible errors in his thinking, etc. I’m not saying that you should continue to date him while you are aiding him; maybe take a break. If you can manage to help him and he changes into the person that you love, then great! If he doesn’t then that is fine too; continue to help him and move on to the next person.

Or you could always just become a nun. 😃
 
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precious_roy:
I certainly do not agree that you should ‘kick the guy to the curb’ as one poster put it. If he has problems, of course you should pray for him. But also you need to help him in a real and physical sense. Ask him why he does what he does, show him possible errors in his thinking, etc. I’m not saying that you should continue to date him while you are aiding him; maybe take a break. If you can manage to help him and he changes into the person that you love, then great! If he doesn’t then that is fine too; continue to help him and move on to the next person.

Or you could always just become a nun. 😃
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Bene bene! That’s what I’ve been doing! I thank you for saying that.
 
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