To drink or not to drink?

[dulcissima]

Just wanted to say thanks for all the feedback, particularly from those with some personal experience here.

I just wanted to make a couple of things a little more clear here. First of all, I was not wondering if it is OK to let my kids drink. I definitely do not plan to do that. Also, moderation is not a problem for me. I do not have an addictive personality. Really, alcohol does not hold a lot of allure for me, just maybe if I had company, wine with dinner might be nice or the beer with pizza kind of thing. However, if I never had another drink, well, I don’t think it would be that big of a deal. I was just wondering if I was better off to drink an occassional drink, just so my kids could maybe see that that is different than what their dad did, which was basically to drink two bottles of wine a night after coming home from work, sometimes three if it was a weekend. I just really am still not clear about if it would be better to do that or to just have no alcohol in the home policy.

I will say though, that having not a drop in the house has been good in one respect. My daughter (who is the oldest) had a party here back in October. She had about a dozen kids over. I stayed mostly upstairs, but would pop downstairs every once in a while to make sure things weren’t getting out of control. The next morning she confided to me that she was glad that there was no alcohol in the house, because a couple of her friends had wanted to drink and would have had there been any. She thought she would have had a difficult time stopping them if we had anything. I kept that in mind over the holidays, and bought those little airplane bottles of liquor when I made bourbon sweet potatoes, brandied cranberries, and chocolate mousse (with rum). They were just the right amount for cooking, with nothing leftover.

 

[BeeSweet]

Hi BeeSweet!

I notice you’re also in Texas. While I agree with the heart of your statements, and while it’s no one else’s business how any parent decides to approach alcohol with their kids, I don’t know if this argument really stands up to scrutiny. In Texas, isn’t it legal for a child to imbibe in the home with parental supervision? I’d always understood that it is. At least a few years ago, I was served alcohol in restaurants because my parents were with me and I had their consent. I specifically remember a glass of champagne at a New Years dinner once, I was probably about 15 or 16. And the restaurant owner and staff knew us and knew I was underage. I have a friend who remembers a similar situation in Missouri.

I’d always thought it was the purchase of alcohol that was regulated, not the drinking of it in one’s private property.

Now parties where a bunch of kids drink and only the homeowners/parents of the host are there giving consent…I think that’s a different issue.

But, frankly, I think our alcohol laws are more about purchase, money, and taxes than keeping kids from having wine with their parents.

That’s why I’m sure my dad would allow it, because the law allows children to drink under the supervision of their parents. I think it’s a confusing message to send to a child though, specifically where alcohol is concerned. “My parents let me do it” carries over even when the parents are not around. It’s a sticky situation that I wouldn’t want to have to explain to my children. Maybe I’ll loosen up about it when the time comes, it’s not an issue right now for us. I’m fairly certain my husband’s going to want to give his son a beer before age 21! For me growing up though, I felt it was OK to drink whether my parents were there or not, simply because they allowed it in general.

I guess if my children asked, I would go ahead and let them have a beer or a glass of wine just so they wouldn’t get any kind of “forbidden fruit” ideas (the forbidden fruit tastes sweeter). I don’t think I should offer if they were under age though, as that’s encouragement of the behavior, and I wouldn’t want that to carry on outside the house.

Just wanted to say thanks for all the feedback, particularly from those with some personal experience here.

I just wanted to make a couple of things a little more clear here. First of all, I was not wondering if it is OK to let my kids drink. I definitely do not plan to do that. Also, moderation is not a problem for me. I do not have an addictive personality. Really, alcohol does not hold a lot of allure for me, just maybe if I had company, wine with dinner might be nice or the beer with pizza kind of thing. However, if I never had another drink, well, I don’t think it would be that big of a deal. I was just wondering if I was better off to drink an occassional drink, just so my kids could maybe see that that is different than what their dad did, which was basically to drink two bottles of wine a night after coming home from work, sometimes three if it was a weekend. I just really am still not clear about if it would be better to do that or to just have no alcohol in the home policy.

I will say though, that having not a drop in the house has been good in one respect. My daughter (who is the oldest) had a party here back in October. She had about a dozen kids over. I stayed mostly upstairs, but would pop downstairs every once in a while to make sure things weren’t getting out of control. The next morning she confided to me that she was glad that there was no alcohol in the house, because a couple of her friends had wanted to drink and would have had there been any. She thought she would have had a difficult time stopping them if we had anything. I kept that in mind over the holidays, and bought those little airplane bottles of liquor when I made bourbon sweet potatoes, brandied cranberries, and chocolate mousse (with rum). They were just the right amount for cooking, with nothing leftover.

Wow dulcissima, that story about your daughter’s friends and her party is really impressive. It’s often heard children break into the parents alcohol in those situations. You kept that from happening, and also kept your daughter out of a situation that would have been really difficult for a 15 year old. That’s really something to think about.

I think if you just continue on as you have you’ll be doing really well by your children. God bless you in your efforts!

(By the way, I got off my rump got baby dressed, was ready to go for a walk but he wanted another nap instead, so I’m back to my rump!)

 

[LittleRose]

Keep in mind that since your family has been hurt by your husband’s alcoholism, your kids are probably especially sensitive to the issue right now.

In fact, I know someone (in his late 40’s) whose father had a drinking problem, and he still rarely touches the stuff. He still feels uncomfortable sometimes when people in his family drink especially his children (all over 21), but he also knows the difference between responsible and irresponsible alcohol consumption, so he refrains from giving anyone an unecessary temperance lecture.

Give your kids time. For now, don’t drink in front of them at all if it freaks them out, and keep alcohol out of the house.

 

[Jay2]

Since both sides of our family are of German decent… wine & beer with meals aren’t a question, they are an integral part… (ranking with red cabbage or spaetzle)… at least for the adults.

Both my kids have been exposed to alcohol during meals since infancy. As kids they know it is something for adults, but depending upon the situation, they have not been denied a “taste” of beer, or wine during a meal (especially a Holiday).

We usually have “Sparkling Grape Juice” (non-alcoholic wine) for the little ones at family gatherings. Then they can have something special in the fancy glass and toast along with Ohma & Ohpa.

They’ve seen their aunts, uncles, grandparents, and parents a little “tipsy” on occasion, but I don’t think we’ve ruined them. They’ve both (as teens) gone through the D.A.R.E. program at school… and brought home many questions about “Why are you serving drugs with dinner?” We’ve explained why wine & beer are a part of our heritage & culture. Yes, they can be considered drugs, but when used responsibly have no ill-effects.

Summarily banning it from the house…? One side says “If it’s not there it can’t be abused”. The other side says “Exhibit control, and rules”.

We’ve heard it a thousand+ times “fruit of the vine and work of human hands… it will be our Spiritual drink”… our Church advocates drinking wine… be it the tiny sip upon accepting the Eucharist, or having a glass with your meal… just don’t abuse it.

I’m kinda all over the place with this reply, but I’d say stay within the local laws, teach them about abuse, and (important) sign a Contract with your teen.

Teenager: If I slip, screw up or drink at a party, I promise not to drive or accept a ride from someone who’s been drinking. I will call you for a ride, regardless of the time.

Parent: I promise to come get you and any of your friends, and get you back home safely…without embarassing you or giving you the “lecture”… BUT the understanding that within 48 hours we WILL have a discussion about this night in question, and I/we will be talking to your friends parents as well.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

The virtue of Temperence is moderation. Totally dry isn’t moderation is it?

I had a lot of exposure to both alcoholics and to people who had a good handle on drinking. Those that didn’t abuse the alcohol also possessed temperance in other aspects of life. Coffee, tobacco, work, stress…

G.K. Chesterton wrote:

“Idolatry is committed not only by setting up false gods, but also by setting up false devils. We worry about war, alcohol, and economic law, when we should be worrying about cowardice and spiritual corruption.”

Don’t set up a false devil in your house.

At their house, it had been a very real demon who made their home a very real hell.

It would be one thing if the family went on a crusade to dry out the town and all their relatives. That is not what she is suggesting. She is suggesting that at their house…enough was far more than enough. Alcohol traumatized their home for a very long time. They have earned that respite, if they desire it.

I think that as long as she does not demonize all alcohol use or imply falsely that those capable of responsible use are not capable of it, then it is praiseworthy if she chooses to refrain for the sake of her children’s comfort. It would be praiseworthy…but not a moral imperative. Nevertheless, as long as she is truthful about the whole picture of alcohol, the healthy side of which her children have little experience, then banning it from their house would not be wrong.

An analogy might be a convent, where all voluntarily forgo marriage and marital relations, a sacrifice the sisters take upon themselves so that they might devote themselves to God. If the sisters condemned marriage as an unworthy vocation and the marital act as an inherently sinful one, that would be wrong and would render their sacrifice a spiritually harmful exercise in pride. As it is, their lives are a radical witness of the love of God. Those who are in the vocation of marriage can use the convent as a reminder that nothing is more important than the willingness to make the sacrifices that loves calls us to, so that the convent does not accuse them, but rather encourages them in living chastely.

Likewise, the OPs household might be a living reminder that you do not need alcohol to live a full life or to have a good time with others. Their house would show that the use of alcohol is secondary to the exercise of the virtues, but that their temperance is not meant as an accusation of those who imbibe…only a reminder of alcohol’s relative importance in the big scheme of things.

 

[sing]

My father is a recovered alcoholic, and so alcohol is/was never allowed in my parents’ house. They would speak of it as being horrible, wishing it was made illegal, etc. Since there was no balance in this viewpoint, me and my siblings never took them seriously, and now my sister(18) is on her to way to alcoholism, and the oldest boy(almost 15) drinks more than I do(i’ve moved away and am in college).

In your situation,not having alcohol in the house is probably best, because of it’s first hand damage, but I think it’s also very important to teach your children that while alcohol can be very damaging, this depends on how it is used. There’s nothing wrong with a drink every now and then, as long as it isn’t used to mask any emotional problems.

Maybe it would be helpful to try and understand why your ex was an alcoholic? People often become addicted to various things as a way to deal with problems that they don’t know how to cope with. Understanding this might help your children to not only learn about acceptable uses of alcohol, but help them deal with having an alcoholic father.