R
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Wow, there was so much about this post that hit home and made sense. Now I am just confused again–emotionally. Maybe I am just overthinking everything. Because yes, he is quite needy and affectionate but definitely not spineless (I’ve seen how he talks to business clients!). No, he is quite confident and secure in every other aspect of his life except when it comes to me.Regarding the last of the above, men who have received an ubpringing which put emphasis on chivalry are likely to show much more esteem and deference than a modern woman is prepared to process. But this is similar to respecting e.g. an office holder (due to his office) even though he’s a fallible sinner like you are. The reverence and even deference that a woman will experience from a man in such a situation shouldn’t make her feel like she’s in a superior-subordinate type of dynamic. Not with a boyfriend, not with a friend, not with a stranger. That e.g. your every morally acceptable request would be complied with (or even the man would rush to comply with it) doesn’t mean that you could get away with an immoral request or even a dubious one, or an outright command if you tried to issue it. This kind of behaviour on the part of the man may seem, on the face, to invite a woman to behave like a spoiled brat, and there is such a risk, but a more proper reaction would be generosity, reciprocal kindness, something, let’s say, comparable to two friendly mediaeval lords going out of their skins to to host each other stately, in their respective turns.In other words: he pays for you? Don’t tell him not to, just pay for him some other day. Holds the door? Great, thank him and do the same for him when he seems to need it. Did he get up and walk around the table to pour your wine or coffee or tea? Nothing prevents you from doing the same for him (over his objections). Does he help you with your coat? Just accept it and thank him, there can be humility in that (it may be more humble to accept something embarrassing than to refuse it flat out; this is somewhat similar to a mediaeval king or bishop wearing a hear shirt under his rich robes). And so on and so forth. The same applies to less etiquettal situations that don’t fall under a manners cliché.
To sum up the previous two paragraphs (rather lengthy, I’m sorry for this), basically making him “your equal” for the purposes of manners, etiquette, kindness and so on may require you to start going out of your way for him rather than demanding him to stop doing that for you. This too would put you on a more equal footing. There’s a lot a woman can do in this regard but doesn’t have to and that’s where the beauty of it lies.
And don’t feel superior to him. That one is up to you. Rather recognise his kindness, humility, lack of pride, contentedness with where he is in life, this kind of thing. Unless he actually does cross the line into being a lap dog but that doesn’t seem likely to me from your descriptions of him as a man who hardly seems to be spineless. Now if he really treated you literally like his boss, that would be a different cup of tea. If that were true, you’d need to think long and hard before committing, and the outcome would likely be in the negative.
Finally, a man may be intimidated by a beautiful woman. It is a natural reflex to want to serve something which or someone who is beautiful, after all, God is the most beautiful and that is where beauty relates, or should do. I’ve occasionally been made speechless… I, the young lawyer wannabe who talked back to judges, scolded the Attorney General, made the court laugh at a law professor and the client and work up another veteran counsel, and more, I just couldn’t find enough energy to sustain a normal conversation due to being so moved by a woman who was so much of what I looked for, to the point I couldn’t believe it was happening (despite all the negatives that I actually saw clearly, and actually did address). She made the mistake of judging me to be weak and playable (she was very wrong about that one)… things weren’t pretty afterwards, with lots of suffering for both parties as I believe. This is probably part of the male side of falling in love. You, the big guy, are suddenly left speechless by a girl. I guess that’s how it works. (Whereafter you want to protect her and you’re inclined to see her as a better person than you are, since you’re big, ugly and hairy and, well, male, so not supposed to be pretty etc.)
Everything you said about opening doors, taking my coat, pouring the wine made me laugh because he completely goes out of his way to do all that, and yes, sometimes it bugs me because to me its like “I can put on my own coat”, yet when I think about it, why am I complaining about that? I guess the honeymoon phase was over and I am getting very nit-picky over every little detail. Girls always want a gentleman and when we get one its like we don’t appreciate it. Same goes for the women who want a nice guy, get one and then let him go.
I would never feel superior to him. I would never feel superior to anyone. That is beyond arrogant and a sin I am sure!
Maybe the intimidating thing has something to do with it. I can defintiely see how he would feel that way the first few months, but we’ve been together long enough for me to think that he would be comfortable with me.
Thank you so much, chevalier. Your posts always resognate with me. I very much appreciate all the advice here.
