To Grill or Not To Grill...a husband

[kevinsgirl]

Have I really NOT done it? And if I had (not intentionally of course, I’m very much in love with my DH) should I keep doing it? and how much is too much? When a momentary frustration becomes a threat to the very foundation of a marriage?

I mean, if I don’t address to this issue now (that is completely new to me because i’ve never been married before) and make myself aware of ‘the influence’, when?

I know I’ve said negative things about my DH before–but I try not to. So should you keep doing it? No. :nope:

Telling your friends about your husband’s problems isn’t going to solve those problems. You should be talking to your husband about whatever is wrong, but you should do it in a nonconfrontational way with a lot of love.

 

[MCGar]

Well, I just think you should keep the rule of thumb to speak to him the way you want to be spoken to.

It’s sort of easier for me in the household regard because I’m the one who doesn’t know what that drawer under the oven is for.
I don’t use the dishwasher, just handwash and leave all the nice and clean dishes out in the rack to be used later .
I know I’m a trial to him at times because he’s the one who knows where the dishwasher liquid is at and where the glasses should go, and which grocery store has the lowest prices for different items.
(We aren’t married yet but he just moved into our new house and we’re trying to set it up for a good transition for when I move in. The wedding is in a few weeks)

The way he speaks to me is in a respectful kind manner. He doesn’t lecture or always be in the ‘teacher’ position. Alot of what he says is a good comprimise, like “When we’re married I’ll do all the weekend cooking if you do weekday breakfast and dinner.” or “If you wash and dry the laundry. I’ll put the clothes away.” Of course life happens, and things aren’t set in stone but just as long as we talk it out, there is no reason to nag.

We’ve both agreed not to complain about each other to other people.

 

[stbruno]

As a newlywed, I feel influenced by -female- friends and family members who “grill” their husbands very often.

They ‘grill’ them by making comments about how disgusting their back-hair is, or how they have to nag and nag about them helping with the dishes, and when they finally do, they have to re-do them again because the glasses were cloudy. And sometimes they do that to their faces…in front of people.

I understand that we need to let out some steam, but as a newly wed I can’t help but wonder: should I do it? how far can I go with it?

Why would you do that? Clayton Barbeau once said, " We marry people because they are perfect, and then we spend the rest of our lives trying to change them!"

Personally, my spouse does everything to support me and encourage and boost my morale. I do the same. Naturally if I have a smudge or something, she will mention it but never in a denigrating manner. So believe me, build your spouse up…We’ve been married 28 yrs. and we are still honeymooning! Take my advice, don’t start following something that has not been helpful. Positive reinforcement, positively reinforces a marriage convenant rooted in Christ. So can you too have a lifelong honeymoon too everytime you encourage him and support him! !

 

[Michylandia]

Do you use charcoal or gas when you grill him?

hahahaha touche…

But like I said, I haven’t grilled my husband in public (the whole grilling term was created by a family member) and I’ll never do it because I have too much respect for him, but in private, eventhough i haven’t really grilled him, I found myself annoied by silly things once or twice. Things that I’ve realized right away, and apologized inmidiately, by the way.

Like someone wrote before, my husband is truly my hero, and he is very aware about the grilling thing because is his family who does it the most, and when I say that I’m still in my honeymoon they all joke about it saying it will end one day. You know how sometimes families joke. But watching other women (and men, by the way) do it makes me ask myself if I have surrended to the influence and done it, even if it was in the privacy of our house and disguised as a small passive-agressive comment… and if I should do it just because most married people I know do it, you know what I mean?

Even my mother told me the other day that sometimes this things happen, that when she got married due to her inexperience she was influenced by co-workers that used to do that, and now that she’s older and wiser she regrets it.

Please don’t ‘grill’ me I’m just new to marriage but I sure do wanna be honest to myself and make things right in my marriage.

 

[ChristinaM]

Hi, I am also a newlywed, and I got some very good advice from my dad after I married. He told me it was very important to make my husband feel like a hero. So I do my best to build my husband up instead of tearing him down. More often than not he is happy to help me out, I just have to ASK him.

I don’t like women who bash their husbands, my mother was one. This gets even more important when kids come along. As a child it is really dreadful to hear your mother put down your father. It also fosters disrespect for the father among the children. So I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER do that as a wife!

 

[kevinsgirl]

Well, since it’s mainly coming from family members, one thing I’ll sometimes do is head the grilling off with something really unimportant, but sort of in the form of a juicy tidbit.

**Relative: ** So, how’s married life? Have you two had a big fight yet?

Me: Married life is awesome. It really is. I’ll never understand why he puts hot sauce on everything, though.

The point is to have an say something that doesn’t hurt your spouse or make the person asking sound like a horrible person.

 

[BamaRider]

As a newlywed, I feel influenced by -female- friends and family members who “grill” their husbands very often.

They ‘grill’ them by making comments about how disgusting their back-hair is, or how they have to nag and nag about them helping with the dishes, and when they finally do, they have to re-do them again because the glasses were cloudy. And sometimes they do that to their faces…in front of people.

I understand that we need to let out some steam, but as a newly wed I can’t help but wonder: should I do it? how far can I go with it?

If you’re married to a guy like ME, not *very *far.

 

[whatevergirl]

My dh is more of the neat one in our marriage. He nags me to clean, etc…lol Kind of the shoe on the other foot on this end.

But, I am the planner of events, and my dh will forget things, etc…I try not to nag. I always think to myself…how would I want my husband to approach me on a subject like this? And that usually helps with how I approach him. No one likes to be nagged, or ‘grilled.’ No one likes to be demeaned.

I think if you always show one another mutual respect, your marriage will last a lifetime…and then some.

 

[LindaS]

My dh & I have been married for 32 years. Neither of us has ever spoken poorly of the other to someone else Do we always agree? No. We have our differences like everyone else. But it is very important to us to be loyal to each other.

Peace,
Linda

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

As a newlywed, I feel influenced by -female- friends and family members who “grill” their husbands very often.

They ‘grill’ them by making comments about how disgusting their back-hair is, or how they have to nag and nag about them helping with the dishes, and when they finally do, they have to re-do them again because the glasses were cloudy. And sometimes they do that to their faces…in front of people.

I understand that we need to let out some steam, but as a newly wed I can’t help but wonder: should I do it? how far can I go with it?

Don’t do it. I try to think of it this way, I am one with him, so I should be the one person to understand him and to be patient with any imperfections, be his safe haven, where he doesn’t have to worry. “Treat others as you would like to be treated” takes a special meaning here since in marriage the two of you are one.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to help him be better (and want your dh to help you be better too), nor does it mean that you should ignore any problems that could come up, just do it all with the right attitude/approach.

 

[royal_archer]

…and sure makes me wonder: Have I really NOT done it? And if I had (not intentionally of course, I’m very much in love with my DH) should I keep doing it? and how much is too much? When a momentary frustration becomes a threat to the very foundation of a marriage?

I mean, if I don’t address to this issue now (that is completely new to me because i’ve never been married before) and make myself aware of ‘the influence’, when?

One of the annoying things my wife does. gets mad but tries to hold it back. She doesn’t say anything And I am sitting there wondering what she is ticked about. When I was younger I didn’t pick up on it (no yelling, no problem). When I was a little older I would try to convince her to explain what was wrong. (it just made her madder that I didn’t know.), Now I realize that the path of least resistence is to have a lot of projects that need worked on… in another room.

But please don’t play the “guess why I am mad” game. If he gets the impression your mad, it does not help to not point it out for fear it would start something. If he noticed your mood, something has started. The best thing is to get it out and the open and dealt with.

Of course I think Dusky had a good approach

.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

As a newlywed, I feel influenced by -female- friends and family members who “grill” their husbands very often.

They ‘grill’ them by making comments about how disgusting their back-hair is, or how they have to nag and nag about them helping with the dishes, and when they finally do, they have to re-do them again because the glasses were cloudy. And sometimes they do that to their faces…in front of people.

I understand that we need to let out some steam, but as a newly wed I can’t help but wonder: should I do it? how far can I go with it?

The solution seems obvious.

Don’t marry a man with back hair.

Seriously, though, I can’t stand when women do this to men—and I’m not keen on vice versa.

 

[Ruthie]

I come from a broken home - Dad left when I was still in diapers. So I never had any role model for marriage - not until I was 30, and moved from Oregon to New England for a job. I stayed with cousins (my mother’s contemporaries) for two months.

They probably thought I was weird. I studied them - I practically took notes. They were blissfully happy.

The two things I found most important:

1. Say thank you all the time, and mean it. Every time your spouse does something for you, large or small - even something that he/she does several times a day - thank them sincerely. Don’t let that habit slip away.
2. Don’t be afraid of physical affection. I’m not talking about sex, but things like holding hands, and loving looks. Things that are often dismissed as “silly” and “juvenile.” They only “wear off” if you let them.

Keep those two things up, and your spouse will be in little doubt that you love them and appreciate them.

Still honeymooning after 11 1/2 years,

Ruthie

 

[rick43235]

As a newlywed, I feel influenced by -female- friends and family members who “grill” their husbands very often.

They ‘grill’ them by making comments about how disgusting their back-hair is, or how they have to nag and nag about them helping with the dishes, and when they finally do, they have to re-do them again because the glasses were cloudy. And sometimes they do that to their faces…in front of people.

It must be magic being married to those ladies.