To live with Catholic roommates in co-ed house?

[LuciaPacifici]

Hi all,

I have to make a decision shortly about where I will live.

I am a young adult Catholic woman.

My choices are a small house with one other Catholic girl, near public transportation in a good area but far away from my general Catholic community. She seems nice. It’s an easy train ride to my weekly Young Adult group.

My other option is a big Catholic group house in a location central to a huge Catholic community I miss being a part of and that I will be more active in soon. Slightly longer train ride to YA group but easier train ride to my other commitments.

The second one is lovely with an even mix of men and women. Nice home, pets, huge kitchen. I have never lived in a co-ed house before. I am fairly sure we aren’t scandalizing anyone since everyone there has a reputation for being a faithful Catholic. There are pictures of Jesus and Mary everywhere.

There are also many daily mass options nearby and convenient to walk to as well as a close exercise center.

The concerns are a teeny tiny room, (storage is available though,) the area is a little less safe although I know it well, and living with men. I don’t want people to think I’m not a serious Catholic or have men I want to date feel threatened by it.

I do have a guy friend who had a successful experience living in a mixed house with other Catholics.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I really want want to easily choose this group house but I think getting feedback would be helpful.

 

[Xantippe]

Hi all,

I have to make a decision shortly about where I will live.

I am a young adult Catholic woman.

My choices are a small house with one other Catholic girl, near public transportation in a good area but far away from my general Catholic community. She seems nice. It’s an easy train ride to my weekly Young Adult group.

My other option is a big Catholic group house in a location central to a huge Catholic community I miss being a part of and that I will be more active in soon. Slightly longer train ride to YA group but easier train ride to my other commitments.

The second one is lovely with an even mix of men and women. Nice home, pets, huge kitchen. I have never lived in a co-ed house before. I am fairly sure we aren’t scandalizing anyone since everyone there has a reputation for being a faithful Catholic. There are pictures of Jesus and Mary everywhere.

There are also many daily mass options nearby and convenient to walk to as well as a close exercise center.

The concerns are a teeny tiny room, (storage is available though,) the area is a little less safe although I know it well, and living with men. I don’t want people to think I’m not a serious Catholic or have men I want to date feel threatened by it.

I do have a guy friend who had a successful experience living in a mixed house with other Catholics.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I really want want to easily choose this group house but I think getting feedback would be helpful.

I don’t think that living in a co-ed shared house is scandalous. If you had a single male roommate, that might be. It sounds like it could be a wonderful experience.

My only concern is the safety of the neighborhood. Do you feel safe there walking the streets in daylight, at least? If not, I wouldn’t do it.

On the bright side, living with multiple people makes it a safer environment vis a vis the neighborhood.

Make sure your room door locks, though, and use the lock when you turn in. Also, make sure that your prospective housemates are conscientious about closing and locking the outside doors.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

I don’t think that living in a co-ed shared house is scandalous. If you had a single male roommate, that might be. It sounds like it could be a wonderful experience.

I am leaning towards that after more prayer. I never grew up with brothers and sort of think it could be good for me.

My only concern is the safety of the neighborhood. Do you feel safe there walking the streets in daylight, at least? If not, I wouldn’t do it.

Feel totally safe in the daylight, at night the whole walk from the train station to the house is very well-lit and on busy main roads. If it were side roads I couldn’t do it but this is okay. By bad area I mean worse than the ridiculously safe area I live in now; it’s by no means the worst area of my city. You hear about people getting their purse stolen now and then, but not about violence.

I felt safe last night and especially since the dogs I’m told bark at any disturbance. I’m no the upper floor and house is far back from the road.

On the bright side, living with multiple people makes it a safer environment vis a vis the neighborhood.

Good point.

Make sure your room door locks, though, and use the lock when you turn in. Also, make sure that your prospective housemates are conscientious about closing and locking the outside doors.

Good points also. There is a note on the door with a huge reminder to deadbolt the front door so I think that’s covered! I will check out a room lock, if there isn’t one I’m told that the landlord is very open to letting us make additions.

My only fear is really if potential Catholic men I want to date think I’m not that great or feel uncomfortable? Maybe I shouldn’t base this on fear.
Incidentally it’s a better deal than the other place.

Thanks
L

 

[His_helpmeet]

I lived in a co-ed basement suite (landlady lived upstairs). It wasn’t a big deal.

 

[friardchips]

Hi all,

I have to make a decision shortly about where I will live.

I am a young adult Catholic woman.

My choices are a small house with one other Catholic girl, near public transportation in a good area but far away from my general Catholic community. She seems nice. It’s an easy train ride to my weekly Young Adult group.

My other option is a big Catholic group house in a location central to a huge Catholic community I miss being a part of and that I will be more active in soon. Slightly longer train ride to YA group but easier train ride to my other commitments.

The second one is lovely with an even mix of men and women. Nice home, pets, huge kitchen. I have never lived in a co-ed house before. I am fairly sure we aren’t scandalizing anyone since everyone there has a reputation for being a faithful Catholic. There are pictures of Jesus and Mary everywhere.

The concerns are a teeny tiny room, (storage is available though,) the area is a little less safe although I know it well, and living with men. I don’t want people to think I’m not a serious Catholic or have men I want to date feel threatened by it.

I do have a guy friend who had a successful experience living in a mixed house with other Catholics.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I really want want to easily choose this group house but I think getting feedback would be helpful.

You’d need to pray about it. We can fool ourselves into thinking we are safe in these situations so I’d be inclined to take the safer route and do the first. If I were a woman. As a Catholic who doesn’t know you or these people this can be my only suggestion - veering towards keeping the soul in tact no matter what - but ultimately it is up to you. It is a subtle temptation that has us edging towards areas that are more ‘up-to-date’ and ‘modern’ when actually these temptations are just edging us into “spirit of the world” thinking. I’d say that if these guys were really such great Catholic young men then they’d possibly be thinking about the future well-being of the young ladies. Seems a ‘beneficial’ arrangement for young males, IMO. Safety first, in all respects - internal and external.

 

[kozlosap]

I don’t think that living in a co-ed shared house is scandalous. If you had a single male roommate, that might be. It sounds like it could be a wonderful experience.

My only concern is the safety of the neighborhood. Do you feel safe there walking the streets in daylight, at least? If not, I wouldn’t do it.

On the bright side, living with multiple people makes it a safer environment vis a vis the neighborhood.

Make sure your room door locks, though, and use the lock when you turn in. Also, make sure that your prospective housemates are conscientious about closing and locking the outside doors.

I agree! This sounds like a really fun place to live with other young people who share your beliefs and faith tradition. Just think, you will be able to meet many new people who are friends with your roommates. I think many kids, right out of college, would love to live in the situation you describe!

 

[LuciaPacifici]

You’d need to pray about it. We can fool ourselves into thinking we are safe in these situations so I’d be inclined to take the safer route and do the first. If I were a woman. As a Catholic who doesn’t know you or these people this can be my only suggestion - veering towards keeping the soul in tact no matter what - but ultimately it is up to you. It is a subtle temptation that has us edging towards areas that are more ‘up-to-date’ and ‘modern’ when actually these temptations are just edging us into “spirit of the world” thinking. I’d say that if these guys were really such great Catholic young men then they’d possibly be thinking about the future well-being of the young ladies. Seems a ‘beneficial’ arrangement for young males, IMO. Safety first, in all respects - internal and external.

That’s tricky because the group house provides benefits to my soul like daily mass, my tertiary community, catholic friends, and small room like a cell plus living with just one woman for me personally risks anger or uncharity if things go sour.

I’m not fearful for my safety but only for whether this causes scandal. Considering the caliber of people there and who have been there and things like a YA group coming led by a priest to the house, I feel it’s ok.

I prayed and feel called there…
Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[friardchips]

Hi all,

I have to make a decision shortly about where I will live.

I am a young adult Catholic woman.

My choices are a small house with one other Catholic girl, near public transportation in a good area but far away from my general Catholic community. She seems nice. It’s an easy train ride to my weekly Young Adult group.

My other option is a big Catholic group house in a location central to a huge Catholic community I miss being a part of and that I will be more active in soon. Slightly longer train ride to YA group but easier train ride to my other commitments.

The second one is lovely with an even mix of men and women. Nice home, pets, huge kitchen. I have never lived in a co-ed house before. I am fairly sure we aren’t scandalizing anyone since everyone there has a reputation for being a faithful Catholic. There are pictures of Jesus and Mary everywhere.

There are also many daily mass options nearby and convenient to walk to as well as a close exercise center.

The concerns are a teeny tiny room, (storage is available though,) the area is a little less safe although I know it well, and living with men. I don’t want people to think I’m not a serious Catholic or have men I want to date feel threatened by it.

I do have a guy friend who had a successful experience living in a mixed house with other Catholics.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I really want want to easily choose this group house but I think getting feedback would be helpful.

I forgot to post before, so just to add: maybe you need to ask yourself, being absolutely honest, if being in this situation would bring about "near occasions of sin’.

I think going on group events like World Youth Day doesn’t pose any problems because they are for short weekends or for weekly durations and the whole point of prayer events is that they are holy but when you’re talking about sharing a house which is for a long-term duration and the sole reason isn’t about prayer then the above question could do with being asked. You could also ask strong participating older (and hopefully wiser) Catholic people you know, and enquire as to their thoughts about it? And what about your parents? Are they strong participating Catholics - would they think it was a good idea?

 

[friardchips]

That’s tricky because the group house provides benefits to my soul like daily mass, my tertiary community, catholic friends, and small room like a cell plus living with just one woman for me personally risks anger or uncharity if things go sour.

I’m not fearful for my safety but only for whether this causes scandal. Considering the caliber of people there and who have been there and things like a YA group coming led by a priest to the house, I feel it’s ok.

I prayed and feel called there…
Thanks for your thoughts.

Sorry. Just read this.

Well, if you feel called in prayer, then who can argue.

You’re welcome.

One other thing: you could always ask people to pray for you too during your stay.

Take care, and I hope you enjoy your time there!

 

[Xantippe]

I agree! This sounds like a really fun place to live with other young people who share your beliefs and faith tradition. Just think, you will be able to meet many new people who are friends with your roommates. I think many kids, right out of college, would love to live in the situation you describe!

Exactly!

I’d love for my kids to have that kind of opportunity.

It sounds like the InterVarsity house where I sometimes visited when I was an undergraduate.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

Frankly, I wouldn’t live in the group home. Though I’ve never experienced it, living in a group home puts temptation right under your nose, so to speak, and I am certainly not trying to cast any doubts on the purity of your intentions. I believe in them, however even the purest of intentions can go wrong. Living in the same home causes intimacy. It may not be sexual intimacy, but intimacy occurs, and when people feel intimately connected with the opposite sex, things can go wrong, get out of hand. I would stick with living with females. I agree with the poster who said you have to be really, really honest with yourself.

That’s just my opinion. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

 

[Xantippe]

Frankly, I wouldn’t live in the group home. Though I’ve never experienced it, living in a group home puts temptation right under your nose, so to speak, and I am certainly not trying to cast any doubts on the purity of your intentions. I believe in them, however even the purest of intentions can go wrong. Living in the same home causes intimacy. It may not be sexual intimacy, but intimacy occurs, and when people feel intimately connected with the opposite sex, things can go wrong, get out of hand. I would stick with living with females. I agree with the poster who said who have to be really, really honest with yourself.

That’s just my opinion. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

I’m a big skeptic in the idea that “stuff just happens.” I think that’s mainly post hoc excuse-making, not to be taken at face value.

When you are a stone cold sober adult, stuff doesn’t just “happen.”

I suggest the OP read “The Closet Is All Mine” and “How Far Can We Go” (the latter is by Perrault and Salkeld). The author of The Close Is All Mine had a very good experience living with male roommates.

Best wishes!

 

[UbiCaritas]

In general, the group setting sounds fantastic. One thing, though: there is a certain level of intimacy in sharing common spaces, even though, of course, we’re not talking sexual intimacy or opposite-sex roommates.

This sounds like a small thing, but it can be a bigger one over time: guys can be modest while wearing standard sleep/relaxation gear, but it’s harder for women. And I am not a modesty crusader, as various posts on this board will demonstrate.

As an example, DH’s standard PJs/relaxation wear is a pair of cotton athletic-style shorts and a (generally sports-themed) tee. Very casual, but also not something that would make any reasonable woman uncomfortable if she saw him wearing it.

My standard PJs/relaxation wear is yoga or PJ pants, and a tee. However, this isn’t an appropriate outfit to wear around the opposite sex because a) women’s PJ pants tend to leave little to the imagination, b) when a woman is in that sort of outfit, she’s generally not wearing a bra, which is for many of us definitely not appropriate around non-husband or -young-son members of the opposite sex. In my case, if we have male in-laws over, I settle it by wearing a long-sleeved waterfall cardigan over the outfit that covers my rear and front sufficiently, but I don’t think I’d be okay with that outfit around non-relatives.

That having been said, I admit that I’m a bit old-fashioned, more so than many of my peers, in certain regards, and levels of casualness between non-married people is one of them. I’m not sure if that’s a hangup on my part or a reasonable concern, but I think it at least bears consideration that doing things that most of us find to be fairly SOP, like sprawling on the couch to read or watch TV in one’s PJs, might be rather more difficult with male roommates than it otherwise would be. There are similar concerns about shower/bathroom dashes and so on.

 

[friardchips]

In general, the group setting sounds fantastic. One thing, though: there is a certain level of intimacy in sharing common spaces, even though, of course, we’re not talking sexual intimacy or opposite-sex roommates.

This sounds like a small thing, but it can be a bigger one over time: guys can be modest while wearing standard sleep/relaxation gear, but it’s harder for women. And I am not a modesty crusader, as various posts on this board will demonstrate.

As an example, DH’s standard PJs/relaxation wear is a pair of cotton athletic-style shorts and a (generally sports-themed) tee. Very casual, but also not something that would make any reasonable woman uncomfortable if she saw him wearing it.

My standard PJs/relaxation wear is yoga or PJ pants, and a tee. However, this isn’t an appropriate outfit to wear around the opposite sex because a) women’s PJ pants tend to leave little to the imagination, b) when a woman is in that sort of outfit, she’s generally not wearing a bra, which is for many of us definitely not appropriate around non-husband or -young-son members of the opposite sex. In my case, if we have male in-laws over, I settle it by wearing a long-sleeved waterfall cardigan over the outfit that covers my rear and front sufficiently, but I don’t think I’d be okay with that outfit around non-relatives.

That having been said, I admit that I’m a bit old-fashioned, more so than many of my peers, in certain regards, and levels of casualness between non-married people is one of them. I’m not sure if that’s a hangup on my part or a reasonable concern, but I think it at least bears consideration that doing things that most of us find to be fairly SOP, like sprawling on the couch to read or watch TV in one’s PJs, might be rather more difficult with male roommates than it otherwise would be. There are similar concerns about shower/bathroom dashes and so on.

“Modesty Crusader” - I love this. You’ve coined a phrase that MUST catch on…

I would tend to go for the medievil suit of armor end of PJs if staying in a mixed house. Chain mail included when “sprawling” on the sofa (hogging the television remote).

…and spur slippers.

 

[UbiCaritas]

"Modesty Crusader" - I love this. You’ve coined a phrase that MUST catch on…

I would tend to go for the medievil suit of armor end of PJs if staying in a mixed house. Chain mail included when “sprawling” on the sofa (hogging the television remote).

Sadly, it has. Its followers, among other things, insist that a ruffled diaper cover on a baby is grossly immodest. Ditto short sleeves, and bright colors on men. I’ve never personally observed women thrown into uncontrollable fits of lust when their parish priests wear rose vestments, but I’ll be sure to remember to check the urge, should it arise, to toss my undies at Father at Mass next Sunday.

 

[friardchips]

Sadly, it has. Its followers, among other things, insist that a ruffled diaper cover on a baby is grossly immodest. Ditto short sleeves, and bright colors on men. I’ve never personally observed women thrown into uncontrollable fits of lust when their parish priests wear rose vestments, but I’ll be sure to remember to check the urge, should it arise, to toss my undies at Father at Mass next Sunday.

You may incur punitive measures were you to display such wildly wicked Wicker Man shenanigans.

 

[GLam8833]

Thanx for the thread, I hope you enjoy your
choice of residence and may the Lord add
His blessing on you this Christmas!!

Check out my Christmas offering:
cdbaby.com/cd/gordonlam

 

[LuciaPacifici]

Sorry. Just read this.

Well, if you feel called in prayer, then who can argue.

You’re welcome.

One other thing: you could always ask people to pray for you too during your stay.

Take care, and I hope you enjoy your time there!

Thanks. I decided to go with the house. I actually did pray at mass to know the clear truth and not to deceive myself. I did feel I got a very clear answer.

The deal is, I know myself enough and for many reasons individual to this situation I think it will be okay. In fact I think I’m supposed to be there right now.

And hey, a friend of mine discerned religious life while living in that room and entered, maybe I will find God’s plan for my life too…

 

[LuciaPacifici]

I agree! This sounds like a really fun place to live with other young people who share your beliefs and faith tradition. Just think, you will be able to meet many new people who are friends with your roommates. I think many kids, right out of college, would love to live in the situation you describe!

The closeness with community and meeting people was a big reason I chose it.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

I’m a big skeptic in the idea that “stuff just happens.” I think that’s mainly post hoc excuse-making, not to be taken at face value.

When you are a stone cold sober adult, stuff doesn’t just “happen.”

I suggest the OP read “The Closet Is All Mine” and “How Far Can We Go” (the latter is by Perrault and Salkeld). The author of The Close Is All Mine had a very good experience living with male roommates.

Best wishes!

I’m with you on this. If stuff just happened I wouldn’t have any male religious friends. I have also lived long enough to know that housing with only women does not magically protect me from the temptations of the world.