To marry or not to marry

[Stephen_Butler]

Dubervilles:

I am left wondering why you first dated in the first place–is it because you thought she was attractive then or just thought maybe once you got to know her she would become more attractive to you?

We have a lot in common. She has a lot of positive traits, and I hoped that attraction would grow over time.

 

[Mom_of_5]

Don’t marry someone who repels you. You don’t need to be a martyr. Let her find someone who really loves and appreciates her. You find someone who adores you. Living together makes it more dificult to break up, but do it anyway. Don’t marry someone out of guilt, neither one would be happy in this marriage.

Love and peace,

mom of 5

 

[Stephen_Butler]

1ke:

Yes. She deserves someone who loves her fully. We go into Marriage as a Sacrament, a bond between man, woman, and God. We do this freely giving our whole self. You cannot give your whole self. Do not short-change her out of some distorted sense of chivalry. I would be not only horrified, but humiliated, to find out that my DH married me out of pity, throwing himself on his sword.

Ouch.

1ke:

Probably because she has no idea you pity her and view her as unable to attract anyone else, and that you do not really love her.

1ke:

You are approaching it from a somewhat noble, but misguided position that she is pathetic and worth of your generosity in marrying her. That is, yes, wrong. It is also short sighted.

1ke:

You will be hurting her (and yourself) in the long run if you marry a woman you do not love. Marriage is for a very long tim. If, after only three years, “her close presence repels me” then buddy you are going to be really sorry in 10 years, 15 years, etc, and so will she. Do you think she will never catch on? That she has no desires and dreams of her own?

1ke:

You don’t love her, cut her loose so she can find the person God has in mind for her.

Harsh words, but with a ring of truth. Very astute.

I needed an outside perspective. I have gotten several, and I am thankful to have them. I understand the limitations of this forum including the difficulty of responding to anything through my biased perception. I appreciate everyone’s time and consideration.

 

[1ke]

Stephen Butler:

Ouch.

Harsh words, but with a ring of truth. Very astute.

I needed an outside perspective. I have gotten several, and I am thankful to have them. I understand the limitations of this forum including the difficulty of responding to anything through my biased perception. I appreciate everyone’s time and consideration.

I did not mean to be excessively harsh. But, what you are viewing a noble gesture really is not. I hope that the replies you’ve received help give you some perspective.

 

[Youngcatholic]

I agree with the other posters that you need to separate your living arrangements. I read recently that co-habitating puts undue pressure on a couple to marry. Also, the feelings of physical unattraction might tie into your current living arrangements. Now that you are coming into the faith, perhaps it seems repulsive to you to be living so closely and intimately with someone who is not your wife? This repulsion at times with your girlfriend could stem from this realization.

If you are going to marry this girl, you need to be in the proper frame of mind, and become truly “free” to marry her. Right now you are not truly “free” to make this decision since you already live together and have adopted the appearance of married life style. I pray for you as you make this difficult decision.

 

[jc-servant]

I want to recommend two books for you that I’ve read and recommended to many others. “The Exclamation: The Wise Choice of a Spouse for Catholic Marriage” by Patricia A. Wrona and Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World by Fr. Thomas Morrow.

The first book explains how to perform discernment in general (figuring out God’s will in a situation instead of our own). This helps you to determine if marriage is your vocation or whatever the question is in your life. It cites to many writings by great Catholics. Next it helps you to determine if a certain person is who God wants you to be with. It then covers mutual discernment that you do together if you get past the initial private discernment. I think a lot of people could avoid heart ache and wasting each others time if this book was mandatory reading in high school.

The second book might be really applicable for your situation since you have already strayed down the path that secular society deems appropriate for “dating” and “relationships.” Fr. Morrow explains how getting physical can really throw our judgment out of whack regarding our true compatibility on important matters.

I would echo the other posters who said you definitely need to move out of the living arrangement ASAP! How can you make a sincere 1st Confession if you continue to live in a sinful relationship? True love does not lead the other person into sin, so either way you go in this relationship you do not want to tempt each other and live together any longer while unmarried.

I hope you will study and really take the church’s teachings on chastity to heart before Easter. It may hurt your girlfriend’s feelings in the short term if you break up or move out, but the state of her immortal soul is far more important.