To much of anything is bad

[John_AH]

Hello all,
I am looking for more thoughts into this piece of wisdom in how it relates to the “marital act” and other aspects of our lives.
Not being married myself or ever being active in that way it maybe just the lack of my inexperience as to the attraction.

Anyhow on to the question: Is possible we are way over sexed and want sex way to much in our married life. I see the complaints a lot in this forum of one or the other spouse not being happy with their sex lives.

Ideally for me (and this is just a hypothisization) I would prefer the martial act to be performed on special occasions only. Special as in we make the time and full effort to become one. Save it for special times so to make it that much more of a special gift. (How these times are governed is whole different topic). Think of Lenten type sacrifices. We abstain to give ourselves more fully to each other at the end of a certain time.

In this very sense any enjoyable action, let us say going out to a movie or to dinner should also be placed in the same regarded. So that when it does happen it is that much more special.

Anyone could tell you doing something that is good can be addictive, I’m just wondering if it is possible if we loose ourselves in the mere act (receptiveness) and not in the spirituality of it all.

A good example in my life would be eating out. It is delicious, fast, and no cleanup but after a little time eating out gets “boring” and we would want to progress to different venues, types of food, and so on so forth to change from the same old.

Any thoughts?

God’s faithful servant
John A. H.

 

[bilop]

Hello all,
I am looking for more thoughts into this piece of wisdom in how it relates to the “marital act” and other aspects of our lives.
Not being married myself or ever being active in that way it maybe just the lack of my inexperience as to the attraction.

Anyhow on to the question: Is possible we are way over sexed and want sex way to much in our married life. I see the complaints a lot in this forum of one or the other spouse not being happy with their sex lives.

Ideally for me (and this is just a hypothisization) I would prefer the martial act to be performed on special occasions only. Special as in we make the time and full effort to become one. Save it for special times so to make it that much more of a special gift. (How these times are governed is whole different topic). Think of Lenten type sacrifices. We abstain to give ourselves more fully to each other at the end of a certain time.

In this very sense any enjoyable action, let us say going out to a movie or to dinner should also be placed in the same regarded. So that when it does happen it is that much more special.

Anyone could tell you doing something that is good can be addictive, I’m just wondering if it is possible if we loose ourselves in the mere act (receptiveness) and not in the spirituality of it all.

A good example in my life would be eating out. It is delicious, fast, and no cleanup but after a little time eating out gets “boring” and we would want to progress to different venues, types of food, and so on so forth to change from the same old.

Any thoughts?

God’s faithful servant
John A. H.

I have been married for almost 3 years.

I would disagree with your analysis. The marital act provides an incredible amount of “bonding” to the couple. This is one of the reasons why sex outside marriage is so bad; it causes feelings appropriate only to those who are boubd together. Abstaining for too long, unless absolutely necessary, may start to fray those bonds.

I would say, a married couple should have relations as often as they both feel like it.

God Bless

 

[chevalier]

Anything is bad in excess. Sex is always bad when it becomes objectifying or when it ignores the unifying and progenitive aspect - even in marriage. So yes, in my view it’s a potential risk - it’s possible to overdo it. If it always is a unifying act (not waiving progeny), it can never be too often. But if sex becomes autonomous from love, unity, mutual sacrifice, then err… then something goes wrong.

And the phrase “sex life” should never, never be applied to marriage IMHO. It’s too technical, while marriage is about love. In fact, I think it’s a sad thing to have sex rather than make love in marriage.

But this is all theory coming from an unmarried guy.

 

[TheDoctor]

If it is sex done for the wrong reasons, with the wrong intention or the wrong mindset, then even once is two much.

If it is sex that is full of the unconditional giving of one’s self for the other with the intention of fulfilling the sacramental unity of our married vocation, then no number of times is too much.

In discussing this very thing a number of years ago, a dear priest friend told us “I celebrate my sacrament once a day and twice on Sundays - how about you?”

 

[Belle10]

If it is sex done for the wrong reasons, with the wrong intention or the wrong mindset, then even once is two much.

If it is sex that is full of the unconditional giving of one’s self for the other with the intention of fulfilling the sacramental unity of our married vocation, then no number of times is too much.

In discussing this very thing a number of years ago, a dear priest friend told us “I celebrate my sacrament once a day and twice on Sundays - how about you?”

Sounds like something my husband would want to agree with!!

Good post.

PS - I like your signature.

 

[leahbrahms]

Every marital act is very much a “special occasion”! Maybe you would (hypothetically) prefer to tell your wife that you love her, only on special occasions?

The marital act is not an activity, like eating. It is integral to the sacrament of matrimony. It is the way a married couple expresses their love for one another most concretely. “The physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion”. It “concerns the innermost being of the human person.” “The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honorable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude.” (CCC 2360 - 2362)

God is giving us a way to love each other that increases our capacity to more fully give ourselves to each other, increases our joy and gratitude. Why save that for “special occasions only”? After all, practice makes perfect!

Of course, living marital intimacy in God’s way requires that we purify our hearts. We aren’t just gratifying pleasures (like eating out gratifies the appetite is pleasurable). We take sex seriously - but that doesn’t mean it’s not a lot of fun!

Now I’m not saying that there are not good reasons for every couple to abstain from time to time. As St. Paul says, it can foster prayer. But some of the sense I got from the OP was a disconnect between the physical and spiritual realities of the marriage bond. That’s what I’m reacting to.

 

[kevinsgirl]

In discussing this very thing a number of years ago, a dear priest friend told us “I celebrate my sacrament once a day and twice on Sundays - how about you?”

Loooove this quote!

I’d compare it to limiting hugs for your children.

Marital relations is a bonding experience for spouses. It is also a celebration of your shared vocation.

I’d also add that if a spouse decided they only wanted to be open to marital relations on special occasions and this was not a mutual decision, it could actually be sinful.

 

[John_AH]

I think we went a little off topic.

Assumptions I should have stated.
Under mutual consent this type of arrangement would be made.
Yes I understand the bonding as well as the spiritual part of it.

Yes it was poor choice of words to use “sex life” but “marital embrace life” sounds kind of weird.

Not to say that it is an arrangement but more of the giving when we truly are giving to each other fully not he is 100% and she is 67%so she should “prepare” herself do it. Having it come to point where it is routine instead of something still special as it was the first time.

Love to me is just much grander than the act. It would be far more important to me that she is just as willing as I to engage in the marital embrace.

We spend maybe .0001% (some really active people here) of our lives in the marital embrace yet most of our topics revolve around it. Somthing is wrong here.

God’s faithful servant,
John A. H.

 

[duskyjewel]

Maybe it is just more important than you realize. The way you spoke of it in your first post almost sounds like you have an aversion to it.

Marital sex is not some base substitute for “real” love. It is a joyous celebration of sacramental love, love that is so powerful that it creates new human lives.

Having been married for nearly 11 years, I can also tell you that in difficult times, the sexual bond is sometimes the only thread holding a stressed marriage together. When a couple is having real difficulty, this aspect of their marriage can sometimes soften them toward one another, and lead to the renewal of affection and love that needs to happen for them to improve the other parts of their marriage. When a couple gets overwhelmed by everyday responsibilities, like children, jobs, bills, etc., sometimes their sexual bond is what makes them remember that they need to put family life above outside influences that can take away from it. It is truly integral to a marriage.

I just adore that priest’s comment about celebrating his sacrament once a day and twice on Sundays… now that is a model to strive for! I also love the comment about limiting hugs for your children. You wouldn’t tell a child, “Oh, honey, physical love really isn’t necessary to your well-being. We’ll be limiting that…” Human beings are social animals, and we come from animals that practice grooming on one another as a bonding activity. (If you don’t believe in evolution, then just ignore this part, I guess.) Physical bonding is essential to the emotional health of human beings. Affectionate touch releases endorphins and calming hormones, reducing stress hormones and promoting healthy heart rates. Sex even more so…it just is not negligible in so many ways.

 

[BlestOne]

Maybe it is just more important than you realize. The way you spoke of it in your first post almost sounds like you have an aversion to it.

Marital sex is not some base substitute for “real” love. It is a joyous celebration of sacramental love, love that is so powerful that it creates new human lives.

Having been married for nearly 11 years, I can also tell you that in difficult times, the sexual bond is sometimes the only thread holding a stressed marriage together. When a couple is having real difficulty, this aspect of their marriage can sometimes soften them toward one another, and lead to the renewal of affection and love that needs to happen for them to improve the other parts of their marriage. When a couple gets overwhelmed by everyday responsibilities, like children, jobs, bills, etc., sometimes their sexual bond is what makes them remember that they need to put family life above outside influences that can take away from it. It is truly integral to a marriage.

I just adore that priest’s comment about celebrating his sacrament once a day and twice on Sundays… now that is a model to strive for! I also love the comment about limiting hugs for your children. You wouldn’t tell a child, “Oh, honey, physical love really isn’t necessary to your well-being. We’ll be limiting that…” Human beings are social animals, and we come from animals that practice grooming on one another as a bonding activity. (If you don’t believe in evolution, then just ignore this part, I guess.) Physical bonding is essential to the emotional health of human beings. Affectionate touch releases endorphins and calming hormones, reducing stress hormones and promoting healthy heart rates. Sex even more so…it just is not negligible in so many ways.

Totally agree! I can tell you from experience… lack of sex in a marital relationship can ruin it… I never felt loved by my ex husband because of this lack. Special occasions… yeah that depends on how you define it… if you mean like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays… that is a problem. Special occasions are celebrating your life together regularly and bonding through the marital embrace often!