To Tell or Not to Tell

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Lost_Sheep

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Here’s the situation.

My mother-in-law is 89 years old and showing early signs of dementia. Some days she is sharp as a tack and some days she can’t remember what she said five minutes ago. Her health isn’t exactly perfect, but she’s doing OK for 89.

My brother-in-law (her son) lives several states away. He is in stage 4 lung cancer along with some kind of blood infection that is weakening his bones. His doctors don’t want to administer chemo or radiation in his current condition which, of course, is allowing his cancer to advance. My gut feeling is he won’t live to see Christmas.

So far, we have not told my mother-in-law about her son’s condition; my wife and her other siblings fear it would “kill” her; that is, the news could be so devastating that it could adversely affect her health. However, if she outlives him we obviously wouldn’t be able to hide it any longer. Then she would be further grief-stricken which wouldn’t be good for her health, plus she would be angry with the rest of us for not telling her earlier. (“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have prayed for him!”)

So. Should we tell her or not?

Thoughts, please.
 
Well, really this is the BIL’s place to tell his mother, not the sibling or you.

But, in general, I think that it would be wrong to withhold this information that everyone else knows about and let it drop like a bomb when he dies. She is not a child, don’t treat her like one.
 
1ke said:
Well, really this is the BIL’s place to tell his mother, not the sibling or you.

But, in general, I think that it would be wrong to withhold this information that everyone else knows about and let it drop like a bomb when he dies. She is not a child, don’t treat her like one.
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Thanks, but anyone who has every cared for an advanced-aged parent know that sometimes they act like a child.
 
Lost_Sheep said:
Thanks, but anyone who has every cared for an advanced-aged parent know that sometimes they act like a child.
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I cared for a grandmother and a great grandmother from the time I was a teen until they died, so I think I do know something about this area.

I had a lot of responsibility for them as a teen and young adult because I lived with them from the time I was 5.

While they may act like a child (and I know plenty of 20, 30, and 40 year olds who do, too), I respectfully suggest that it is not appropriate to treat them like a child.

Frankly, your statement above is super offensive IMHO.
 
I’m trying to put myself in your shoes and think of what I would have done if my grandmother were still alive and her son were dying. She also suffered from dementia and it was very painful sometimes to visit her and see a look of annoyance in her face because she didn’t know who I was and she seemed mad at herself that she couldn’t remember. However, when I mentioned a family vacation once, she talked and talked about a vacation she took her children on when she was younger, and used great detail.

I think I would have told her. You don’t have to go into detail, but you could say “_____ is very sick and needs your prayers.” It might do her a favor if you are able to bring in some photographs of him from when he was younger, or pictures of them together before her health began to decline. It may trigger the memory so she doesn’t feel foolish if you mention her son’s health issue and she has no idea who you’re talking about.

If you are able, it may be wise to speak to her doctor or nurse first and ask for their advice. They probably have to deal with this sort of thing now and then and may be able to help you find the right words to say.
 
In fairness, I don’t think Lost Sheep is encouraging a behavior to treat the elderly like a child, or to chastise them, or belittle them, or anything of that nature. Respectfully, recognizing that some do, indeed, behave much like a child is a fair statement to make. I take no offense to what he is trying to say here. Not to get overly sentimental, but I think Shel Silverstein (poet) summed up this pseudo-shift back to “childhood” best.

Said the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”
Said the old man, “I do that too.”
The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”
“I do that too,” laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, “I often cry.”
The old man nodded, “So do I.”
“But worst of all,” said the boy, “it seems
Grown-ups don’t pay attention to me.”
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
“I know what you mean,” said the little old man.

It becomes so deeply difficult when we need to make decisions on behalf of someone we love because their capacity to understand has diminished by no fault of their own, and it is a very delicate tight-rope to try and walk. One’s experience will not be the same as another’s. And, whether a loved one has begun behaving in some ways like a child or not, they deserve our deepest respect, empathy and compassion. Now I’ve said my piece. 🙂

In regards to the OP, is there any reason your brother-in-law is withholding this from his mother? It is troubling to think what would happen if he were to pass before she does…
 
Lost_Sheep said:
Here’s the situation.

My mother-in-law is 89 years old and showing early signs of dementia. Some days she is sharp as a tack and some days she can’t remember what she said five minutes ago. Her health isn’t exactly perfect, but she’s doing OK for 89.

My brother-in-law (her son) lives several states away. He is in stage 4 lung cancer along with some kind of blood infection that is weakening his bones. His doctors don’t want to administer chemo or radiation in his current condition which, of course, is allowing his cancer to advance. My gut feeling is he won’t live to see Christmas.

So far, we have not told my mother-in-law about her son’s condition; my wife and her other siblings fear it would “kill” her; that is, the news could be so devastating that it could adversely affect her health. However, if she outlives him we obviously wouldn’t be able to hide it any longer. Then she would be further grief-stricken which wouldn’t be good for her health, plus she would be angry with the rest of us for not telling her earlier. (“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have prayed for him!”)

So. Should we tell her or not?

Thoughts, please.
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Respect your wife and the other siblings. Follow their lead.
 
What is her faith? At 89 I would be looking forward to Heaven, and if a son should precede me there, what is the loss? It is different for a younger parent of course to lose a child. The main thing is that we don’t die, so why so much grief when someone passes into eternity?
 
My elderly grandmother has outlived 2 of her sons (and 3 husbands). She was surprisingly strong each time. She was a lot younger when my dad died, but my uncle just died recently (cancer as well) and she held together better than I did at the funeral. She has cancer and is weak of health, but I cannot imagine how things would have gone if she had not been aware of his illness and had found out when he died. I think it is fairly normal for elderly people to be forgetful at one point or another, but if she is of sound mind in general (at times), then I can imagine the impact of finding out suddenly that her son has died (rather than knowing that he is ill beforehand) would be very tough on her. Like others mentioned, I wouldn’t tell her without he son’s permission, but if I was your wife I would consider asking her brother about it.
My other grandmother gets furious when people treat her like a child. She might be forgetful every now and then as well (she is in her 80’s), but she has vented with me about when my cousins or other family members go up to her and treat her like she doesn’t understand things, or in “patronizing” way. She has told me “Do they think I am an imbecile?” I do understand what you are saying OP, and I do agree with 1ke, people in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s act like children as well, but I would think twice before assuming that she should not be told this information because she is elderly.

I have had other elderly family members that do not remember things at time, and at most they will talk about someone who has passed away as if they were alive, but when they come back to remembering things, they will remember that the person has passed away. I was going to ask if she is a religious person, and I reread your post and it seems like she might be (you mentioned she might have wanted to pray), so that would be another reason to tell her. I would be very upset to find out someone I loved passed away and that information was withheld from me that would have allowed for me to talk with them beforehand and pray harder for them (although as a Catholic I know I can pray even after they are dead, but I would like to talk with them as well).
 
Ophelia23 said:
In regards to the OP, is there any reason your brother-in-law is withholding this from his mother? It is troubling to think what would happen if he were to pass before she does…
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I think for the same reason his other siblings including my wife are hesitant to do so. They feel the news may be to much for her to take.
 
Deus_tecum said:
What is her faith? At 89 I would be looking forward to Heaven, and if a son should precede me there, what is the loss? It is different for a younger parent of course to lose a child. The main thing is that we don’t die, so why so much grief when someone passes into eternity?
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She is Catholic. Quite devout. And I agree with what you say, but that doesn’t always mitigate one’s grief. Once a mother, always a mother. Whether it is an infant or a grown-up having a child precede you in death is difficult to accept.
 
Lost_Sheep said:
Oh, I intend to. But my wife keeps asking me “What should we do?” Any answer I give seems to be the “wrong” one.
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Your wife asks you for your opinion as to what to do–she is obviously torn.

How about giving the news to your MIL in stages, saying BIL is very ill with an infection and we are praying for him. That way she can pray for him and be somewhat prepared when he dies. If you tell her nothing now, then when he dies it will be much more of a shock.
 
Lost_Sheep said:
She is Catholic. Quite devout. And I agree with what you say, but that doesn’t always mitigate one’s grief. Once a mother, always a mother. Whether it is an infant or a grown-up having a child precede you in death is difficult to accept.
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Indeed. Personally, as a mother, I would be deeply hurt to find my child has been suffering and struggling without my even knowing about it. I imagine I would feel so much time that I could have spent comforting, or praying, or just sitting with them had been taken away from me. Because as you say, once a mother, always a mother. That is my personal opinion, anyhow.

I’m sorry you and your wife are having to bear this burden. It is a big, big decision to make.
 
if she’s in the early stage, that means she’s got lucid days ahead of her, probably many lucid days. and when she figures out you’ve withheld info that she’s entitled to know, she won’t be happy with you, to say the least. read Ophelia23’s comments again.
 
If it were me, I would want to know.

She is 89 years old…I think she’s lived enough and seen & experienced enough to be able to handle it. Of course she’ll be shocked and sad, but she’s his mother…she has a right to know so she can be praying for him.

I agree it sounds like a good idea to talk to her doctor and see if he/she thinks it’s a good idea to be honest with her about it.
 
I would let your brother-in-law decide if he wants to tell her or not. It’s really his business. If you are asking on his behalf, if it was my mother, I would tell her I had cancer and I was really sick. I would not make an statements such as, I won’t live to see Christmas or I have two years left.
 
Lost_Sheep said:
Here’s the situation.

My mother-in-law is 89 years old and showing early signs of dementia. Some days she is sharp as a tack and some days she can’t remember what she said five minutes ago. Her health isn’t exactly perfect, but she’s doing OK for 89.

My brother-in-law (her son) lives several states away. He is in stage 4 lung cancer along with some kind of blood infection that is weakening his bones. His doctors don’t want to administer chemo or radiation in his current condition which, of course, is allowing his cancer to advance. My gut feeling is he won’t live to see Christmas.

So far, we have not told my mother-in-law about her son’s condition; my wife and her other siblings fear it would “kill” her; that is, the news could be so devastating that it could adversely affect her health. However, if she outlives him we obviously wouldn’t be able to hide it any longer. Then she would be further grief-stricken which wouldn’t be good for her health, plus she would be angry with the rest of us for not telling her earlier. (“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have prayed for him!”)

So. Should we tell her or not?

Thoughts, please.
Click to expand...
Our family went through a similar situation and we realized any decision that wasn’t made by the whole family could result in problems later. We got a priest involved and that was literally a God-send. I would think that with their conditions a priest has already spoken with them, ask his advise.
 
I am the mother of 3 adult male children. I can’t give you advice for your situation but I can tell you how I would react if I were in the situation. I would be furious if family members knew of the illness and did not tell me. I would think and would probable say out loud if I found out, who in the world do you think you are to keep something like this from me? Where were you when he had those had the ear infections? Did you rock him to sleep when he had some sort of fear? Did you have to make hard decisions that caused him to hate you but in the end made him a man to be proud of? Did you clean up after his stomach flu in the middle of the night? Did you cry when he hurt you and cry for happy when he made you proud? I’m tired of younger people treating older people like pixilated shadow people. I will be 70 in a few weeks and have some senior moments exactly like all my friends and family my age some
even younger and some older. Please remember we are people just like you. A 47 year old person told me that her mom is “losing it” meaning can’t remember things. I know this mom very well. I started to pay closer attention when we discussed things. Trust me she is not “losing it” So, younger folks, if your mom can’t remember the word for the thingy that you use to cultivate the yard, you just might be my offspring. Please, I know someone in her 50’s who has this same problem. She calls those moments “middle-aged moments” 🙂

If she is an 89 year old devout Catholic woman I’m betting that she has already told the Lord that she is ready anytime he calls her to Him. I have done that already and she is the age my father would be if he were still alive.

Well, I’ve had my rant for the day.

Annie
 
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