To Tell or Not to Tell

[shainski]

I will also come on the side of telling her.

I know what it is like to have a parent with dementia. My father became quite child-like in his later years.

If you tell her, then she has time to make amends - pray, spend time with her son - tell him things that she might not have had he not been in this condition - while he is alive. At 89, I am sure that she has endured many hardships in her life. And while nothing might meet the challenges of losing a child - she would be horrified if she found out that everyone knew but her.

years ago, I went with a friend to see “Apollo 13”. In that real-life movie, the astronauts suffer an explosion that destroys not only their mission - but puts their lives in serious jeopardy. One of the astronauts has a mother in a nursing home. Her DIL demands that the television be removed from the MILs room so that she won’t be aware of the danger her son is in. One way or another - everyone will know her son’s fate within a week.

Afterward, i asked my friend what she thought about that. Since there was nothing that could be done - was it kind to shelter her from the whole episode. My friend told me that she would be furious if it had happened to her. As an adult, it would be insulting to think that she couldn’t handle the news - and be able to be part of the whole episode.

Of course, no one knows what your MIL can endure. But you can pray with her - sympathize with her - reminisce with her. It can bring everyone closer together.

 

[Beryllos]

Much good can come from telling the truth in this situation. It gives the mother the opportunity to come closer to her son (in person, or by letters, telephone, email), to offer what help she can (comfort, prayer), and to begin to understand and deal with her son’s illness and the likelihood of his “untimely” death.

By withholding information, or deceiving, or lying, you effectively keep the mother away from her son in his time of great need. The love between them can be a light shining in the night, for both of them. Why hide the lamp under a basket?

Ask yourself, what can all the doctors in the world do for the son? Not much. Now ask, what can the mother do for him? She may not cure his body, she can help her son in other ways that matter so much more.

 

[KrazyKat]

Does the son with cancer want his Mom to know? His desire has been overlooked so far. If he does he should tell her.

 

[R1ch4rd]

I am the mother of 3 adult male children. I can’t give you advice for your situation but I can tell you…

Annie

This is what our priest told us Mom said when he talked with her almost to the word…

As far as worrying bout the news weakening her condition, she has had 89 years of experience and will most likely handle the news better then her less experienced children.

 

[R1ch4rd]

Does the son with cancer want his Mom to know? His desire has been overlooked so far. If he does he should tell her.

If you weer terminal do you think your Mom would want to know? And as a Mother’s child, do you have the right to hold such information from her?

 

[Annie39]

If you weer terminal do you think your Mom would want to know? And as a Mother’s child, do you have the right to hold such information from her?

I don’t think that they have a right to hold the information from me. In fact I’m going to have this talk with each one the next time I speak to them.

 

[rayne89]

What is her faith? At 89 I would be looking forward to Heaven, and if a son should precede me there, what is the loss? It is different for a younger parent of course to lose a child. The main thing is that we don’t die, so why so much grief when someone passes into eternity?

Um, no.
My mom is 85 and I guarantee you if I died before her it would be a huge loss. Same with my dad. They would not just be grieving not seeing me but grieving the years I didn’t get to live. I have congestive heart failure, if my daughter (God forbid!) died one day before me I would grieve the years she lost experiencing life not just my own loss.

That being said my parents do not know how sick I really am. They already lost one daughter at the age of 21. Of course if things suddenly went south (God’s been very good so far ) I would let them know. Back in the 80’s they managed to bully the hospital staff into not telling my sister she was terminal. I am certain she figured it out on her own (I mean 21 years old is not a child -no more treatment, feeling worse etc. ) but knew my parents couldn’t speak about it so she never said anything. The aftermath was horrible. It would have been so much better if my sister had the chance to tell my parents things and they could have told her stuff too. Instead of the gigantic amont of regret that followed her death. Its been almost 30 years and it is still is a horrible open wound in my family.

If there is very little chance of brother-in-law outliving his mom, I think it is best to tell her. Maybe with a priest to help her since she is so devout.

 

[KrazyKat]

If you weer terminal do you think your Mom would want to know? And as a Mother’s child, do you have the right to hold such information from her?

My son is terminally ill and I am the first one he told, I am thankful that he came to me. I am in heart and kidney failure but he loved me enough to come to me rather than hide it in case it would harm me. He is my son and I love him.

 

[severus68]

Um, no.
My mom is 85 and I guarantee you if I died before her it would be a huge loss. Same with my dad. They would not just be grieving not seeing me but grieving the years I didn’t get to live. I have congestive heart failure, if my daughter (God forbid!) died one day before me I would grieve the years she lost experiencing life not just my own loss.

That being said my parents do not know how sick I really am. They already lost one daughter at the age of 21. Of course if things suddenly went south (God’s been very good so far ) I would let them know. Back in the 80’s they managed to bully the hospital staff into not telling my sister she was terminal. I am certain she figured it out on her own (I mean 21 years old is not a child -no more treatment, feeling worse etc. ) but knew my parents couldn’t speak about it so she never said anything. The aftermath was horrible. It would have been so much better if my sister had the chance to tell my parents things and they could have told her stuff too. Instead of the gigantic amont of regret that followed her death. Its been almost 30 years and it is still is a horrible open wound in my family.

If there is very little chance of brother-in-law outliving his mom, I think it is best to tell her. Maybe with a priest to help her since she is so devout.

Prayers for you and your family. You are so brave.

 

[severus68]

My son is terminally ill and I am the first one he told, I am thankful that he came to me. I am in heart and kidney failure but he loved me enough to come to me rather than hide it in case it would harm me. He is my son and I love him.

My heart goes out to both of you. May God continue to give you both and the rest of your family, strength and comfort.

 

[rayne89]

Prayers for you and your family. You are so brave.

Thank you for the prayers. I’ll take all I can get. My cardiologist just recently said “I look at you in my office and then I look at your echo(cardiogram) and I just think God must have a special plan for you.” Meaning my heart looks bad and yet my body keeps functioning anyway. I don’t feel brave. God has brought me this far. I’ve gone way beyond what doctors ever expected. Everyday is a gift and I try to remember that.

 

[KrazyKat]

My heart goes out to both of you. May God continue to give you both and the rest of your family, strength and comfort.

Thank you, all prayers welcomed and appreciated. Our God is an awesome God.

 

[bcuster]

Here’s the situation.

My mother-in-law is 89 years old and showing early signs of dementia. Some days she is sharp as a tack and some days she can’t remember what she said five minutes ago. Her health isn’t exactly perfect, but she’s doing OK for 89.

My brother-in-law (her son) lives several states away. He is in stage 4 lung cancer along with some kind of blood infection that is weakening his bones. His doctors don’t want to administer chemo or radiation in his current condition which, of course, is allowing his cancer to advance. My gut feeling is he won’t live to see Christmas.

So far, we have not told my mother-in-law about her son’s condition; my wife and her other siblings fear it would “kill” her; that is, the news could be so devastating that it could adversely affect her health. However, if she outlives him we obviously wouldn’t be able to hide it any longer. Then she would be further grief-stricken which wouldn’t be good for her health, plus she would be angry with the rest of us for not telling her earlier. (“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have prayed for him!”)

So. Should we tell her or not?

Thoughts, please.

This hits close to home for me because my husband and I lived with my mother-in-law who had dementia. I would advise telling her, but not bringing it up too much afterward unless she brings it up. However, you know her best.