To the married men

[Str84ward]

Hello,

Did you have an idea of what married life would be like? Did you fully know what you signed up for before getting married? Did you draw parallels from your parents’ experience/bring in any biases? Or did you just “cross the bridge when you got there?”

As far as being financially ready was concerned; were you financially perfect when you got married? Or was it something you and your wife worked on together after the wedding?

I’m both excited and scared at the same time; I’m engaged to be married some time next year. We finished our pre-marriage course with our archdiocese.

Please share with me your experiences. I’d like to hear your stories. Any advice?

 

[Church_Militant]

Hello,

Did you have an idea of what married life would be like?

Nope…not a clue at 19.

Did you fully know what you signed up for before getting married?

Nope.

Did you draw parallels from your parents’ experience/bring in any biases? Or did you just “cross the bridge when you got there?”

No…we just fell in love and got married.

As far as being financially ready was concerned; were you financially perfect when you got married?

Absolutely not! Still aren’t and really don’t expect to.

Or was it something you and your wife worked on together after the wedding?

Yeah…and every day since.

I’m both excited and scared at the same time; I’m engaged to be married some time next year. We finished our pre-marriage course with our archdiocese.

Please share with me your experiences. I’d like to hear your stories. Any advice?

We will have been married 45 years on February 26th. She is a saint. I am an idiot. We have 3 grown sons who are some of the best men I have ever met.

Let no one ever tell you that you guys can’t make it because you can but never let anyone tell you that it’s easy. You have to work at being in love with each other every moment of every day. If you fail to do that it will go sideways and you do not want that.

Be prepared for weird…she’s gonna put the toothpaste on the wrong side of the sink and a host of other odd stuff. Don’t sweat it…treasure it all because she is like a leaf or a snowflake…a one of a kind. Treat her like it.

Remember the following statement because it’s absolutely true.
***“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother”. ~Rev. Theodore Hesburgh * **

 

[Bradski]

^brilliant. Can’t argue with any of that.

It’s one hell of a trip. Strap in and hold on…

 

[Reuben_J]

Hello,

Did you have an idea of what married life would be like? Did you fully know what you signed up for before getting married? Did you draw parallels from your parents’ experience/bring in any biases? Or did you just “cross the bridge when you got there?”

As far as being financially ready was concerned; were you financially perfect when you got married? Or was it something you and your wife worked on together after the wedding?

I’m both excited and scared at the same time; I’m engaged to be married some time next year. We finished our pre-marriage course with our archdiocese.

Please share with me your experiences. I’d like to hear your stories. Any advice?

First of, congratulations in your impending marriage.

Sure, there are lots of advices from me in this vocation. I hope you notice that I use the word vocation - some are called to the priesthood, some religious, some single for the Lord, but for many of us, to marriage life.

It is a matter of what we are called to. Sometimes people put marriage in a lower level than say, priesthood. Probably so, but it is mistake if we should not take it seriously, as serious as a priest or religious vows.

You are into the right footing by going for the pre-marriage course. Those are gems which would be very useful in your marriage life. In my time, we did not have it but getting married and groping in the dark about it. Mostly it was seeing our parents doing and living the marriage life and we tend to do what they did and vice versa not doing what we thought were their mistakes.

A few tips here due to space constraint:

Learn about what is Christian marriage, Christian husband, Christian wife, Christian parenting, Christian sexuality and communication.

These are the pillars to a blessed marriage which is built on the foundation of the Lord. When God become the center of your marriage life you cannot go wrong.

A caution: watch out for the problems that could arise in the early part of your marriage. The times of adaptation to your marriage life from single-hood can be challenging but remember that it is a phase you have to go through. The secular uses to say it as the ‘post honeymoon period’.

God bless.

Reuben

 

[AmbroseSJ]

It sounds like you are both Catholic. Help each other with your Faith, and you will receive all of the Blessings that attend the Sacrament of Marriage, a Catholic wedding!

 

[1Lord1Faith]

The example of your parents’ marriage and your temperament will be the single biggest influences on your marriage in the first few years. Sometime later, you and your DW will come into your own, and you’ll navigate through life more harmoniously.

Even people with even temperaments, who’s parents have had a good marriage, can still have problems. I think the key to a fruitful marriage is respectful communication; not in a formal way, but in a loving way without a drop of contempt, which can sneak into conversations when frustration is present. Without it there is really no way forward.

 

[AdamP88]

Hello,

Did you have an idea of what married life would be like?

An idea? Yes. But the reality is much better.

Did you fully know what you signed up for before getting married?

Yes. In terms of the meaning of marriage and the vows etc. I knew marriage was for life and both my wife and I were clear on that.

As far as being financially ready was concerned; were you financially perfect when you got married? Or was it something you and your wife worked on together after the wedding?

We have no debt really, We did get a loan to help pay for the wedding, but it’s already almost all paid off. I don’t think financial readiness is a good criteria for when to get married. If people waited til they were financially perfect to get married they could be waiting years and years. I’m still in university for the next year and a half. When I get out I and start working in my field (high-school teaching) I’ll be earning about 30k a year so we’ll be ok financially then. Just a bit of struggle til then but it’s a good experience to have to budget carefully.

I’m both excited and scared at the same time; I’m engaged to be married some time next year. We finished our pre-marriage course with our archdiocese.

Please share with me your experiences. I’d like to hear your stories. Any advice?

Good. Be excited. Be very Excited. And be scared. It’s normal. I’ve only been married two months but it’s certainly a blessing even in that time. However close you are to your fiance, you’ll become closer than that times 10. However much you think you love them now…prepare for that to increase.
Also enjoy your time of engagement. It’s such a blessed and joyful time and for you and your intended.

You’ll be in my prayers.

 

[pensmama87]

I decided to ask my husband your questions and this is what he said.

Did you have an idea of what married life would be like? Did you fully know what you signed up for before getting married? Did you draw parallels from your parents’ experience/bring in any biases? Or did you just “cross the bridge when you got there?”

“Um, some of both? I had some ideas, I came from a pretty stable household. But different situations come up that you can’t really prepare for, like: I grew up as an only child, so once we had multiple kids that was a bit of an adjustment.”

As far as being financially ready was concerned; were you financially perfect when you got married? Or was it something you and your wife worked on together after the wedding?

“Worked on together.” (Aside from me, the wife: We had a plan, but had a lot of debt when we got married. DH did have a stable job, while I was still looking and working several part-time jobs in the meantime. We have gotten much better as time goes on.)

I’m both excited and scared at the same time; I’m engaged to be married some time next year. We finished our pre-marriage course with our archdiocese.

Please share with me your experiences. I’d like to hear your stories. Any advice?

“Be open-minded. Don’t think that you always have the right answer or that your way is the right way to do things.”

Best wishes for you as you prepare for marriage! My advice as a wife (and a planner/overachiever/type A person): realize that while prep is good, nothing can prepare for you for everything, and there will be a wrench in the plans somewhere. The main focus should be on you and your wife working as a team, a unit, and being willing to sacrifice for each other. One person holding back or being selfish will quickly make things unworkable - but frequently it’s best to correct oneself rather than the other, except in extraordinary circumstances. Others can get prickly even when correction is meant in the most loving way possible.

 

[hydin]

Wonderful advice and comments above so I won’t go there but will add these thoughts to compliment the above.

You already head into this marriage admitting it is exciting and scary. Excited to be with the one you love, closer than ever before. Being scared is a good sign. You see marriage for what it is, hard work. Your admitting you don’t have the answers to married life so soon is a wonderful gift.

Marriage is realizing that the woman you are vowing to love and cherish forever is not just your equal but you are now part of each other. As a man there are two huge adjustments you MUST make entering into this union. First, men are programmed to be "fixers’, someone states a problem. Me man me fix… is the natural response. We hear our spouse, someone we care about and want to help state a problem that is bothering her. We treat our spouses like those at work. Learn to mirror back her comments with NO ADVICE. "What I hear you saying is (repeat HER words best you can remember them…no revising them), did I get that right? (She will say yes or no and explain…) back to repeat - did I get it this time? She says “Yeah,” So you, again with no commentary ask “is there more?” If there is she will state it.Repeat her words. Then, if you got it right, you honor her situation with something like, “boy that stinks, it must be tough to deal with.” She will say something. If it is new repeat the process. (OK, seems structured and it uses a formula… why? Because men tend to hear half a sentence and start to formulate their response to help. We stop listening and shift to “me man, I fix” role. If she mentions the formula, admit it, and tell her that you are working to make sure you hear and understand her. Explain the stuff above and admit you are working to change. Let ego and pride drop.) Here is the killer line that all men need to use more with their spouse and kids. “What do you need from me now? Do you want me to just listen or are you looking for help?” It’s OK if she just wants to share. NO matter what she says you need empathize with her… Wow, that stinks, she said that? That is amazing… (Next chick flick you go to or the next time you are watching one of her tv shows pay careful attention to the interaction of female friends. Note how they give feedback - “What?” "They did that? "You’re kidding,” Empathy… pure empathy. Validate how she feels before any advice. If she ASKS for it. When you give any advice admit you don’t understand things as well as she does too. It gives her an out if she doesn’t like your advice and it takes ego out of it for you because it is true and your advice may not be the best.

The second thing is to be fully open with her from the start about everything. Everything! Take the conversation deeper than you would. LOOK her in the EYES. "Wife, this dinner is tremendous, .I can tell it was not easy to make and you did this after work. going deeper When you prepare a meal like this I feel loved. You came home and did all this for me. Thank you, I feel special and it reminds me how lucky I am to be married to you. HUG, hold for at least 10 seconds (just a long hug). Going deeper makes her feel great and reminds you what you are really thinking. Going deeper always is about ME not her. I feel, I start to think, I tell myself, I imagine… those types of things. Not “when you do that it makes me” No one can make you feel anything. You choose to react the way you do. You can change only yourself. You can only clean up your side of the street. “When you come home late and don’t call “I” get scared and “I” worry. “I” would really like you to call and let me know when you are running late so “I” can avoid feeling like that.” Huge shift. Calling you shifts from a duty to a loving act. Drop “you should”, “You need to” “I expect”. Avoid statements that “blame”. “That makes me feel” “you make me angry” are blaming phrases.

Bonus Commit to a time to pray together and do it. In that prayer ask for help in the areas “YOU” need help. Not us or she. Talk to God together, go deeper.

NEVER stop dating your wife. Schedule date nights. Let nothing get in the way. Kids will be gone in 16 years. You spouse will remain. Love your kids and be a great Dad. Even for them it is important you be a good husband and have a vibrant relationship with your wife. If money is tight do free stuff. Go watch planes tand talk about future trips you might take. Go for walks and just talk. Have married couples over for game nights. The most important time for date nights is when you don’t have time. Make it.

 

[AdamP88]

What hydin said is spot on.

In fact, my wife makes fun of me sometimes by actually saying “me man me fix”.

It’s totally true that we men are fixers.

That is one area where I really have to make an effort. Listening to my wife without offering a solution. Though I think most women appreciate that men try to fix things and see it as a charming thing.

 

[LundyLund]

Just celebrated my 10 year anniversary a few months ago, so my memory of pre-marriage is not totally gone.

Honestly, married life has been pretty easy for me. We have had about 3 fights our entire married life. We tend to agree on major things, but also are able to talk about those rationally and respectfully. I think I was just really blessed with the right person

But, there are lots of things that it took years to figure out. We didn’t really budget until last year. We have never had money problems, but getting on a budget and agreeing on money habits has been a massive improvement for our life. We are now debt free (except our house), and always know where our money is going, instead of our money happening to us. I would highly recommend you have money talks and get on the same page about how you will handle money. We read Dave Ramsey’s The Total Money Makeover, and that was enough for us. He also has Financial Peace University, which I hear is a good class. I’m sure there are other good programs out there.

The other big change is that we just went to NFP this past year. Although we have two children, we used artificial birth control until my wife was pregnant with our second. During our pre-marriage, there was a NFP presentation, but we were not receptive to it for a variety of reasons. It took eight years, and a real renewal of my (and my wife’s) faith to realize we needed to make a change. Not just with NFP, but our whole faith life. Last week, my wife mentioned how my renewal has led our family to a better place, and it has. We have a better relationship with God, and with each other. We communicate better. And, by the way, NFP is hard, but it makes everything WAY better.

You are going to be the leader of your family, the priest of your domestic church. Take that role seriously.

Best of luck and prayers to you and your fiance.

 

[MarkInOregon]

Hello,

Did you have an idea of what married life would be like? Did you fully know what you signed up for before getting married? Did you draw parallels from your parents’ experience/bring in any biases? Or did you just “cross the bridge when you got there?”

I’d say yes. I’m not sure how I wouldn’t have had some idea having grown up around married people–parents, aunts & uncles, grandparents. I don’t know if I drew parallels from my parents marriage, but I think it was a model for marriage–for the blending of two lives. Biases? Don’t know–if I did they were apparently the same ones my wife had–we’ve never had things like separate bank accounts or credit cards…our lives merged pretty seamlessly and it’s remained that way for nearing 28 years now.

As far as being financially ready was concerned; were you financially perfect when you got married? Or was it something you and your wife worked on together after the wedding?

What do you mean by financially ready/perfect? Once I landed a “real” job after college I proposed. I had some student loan debt and she did not. We had bank accounts and some credit cards and when we got married we made those joint. It’s strange–I don’t remember it being much of an adjustment. Maybe because we both had the same expectations…?

And we certainly were not financial perfect before we had our first child a year later.

Any advice?

Please take St. Paul’s advice: Love you wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, so that he might sanctify her…

Be willing to sacrifice for your wife, be willing to do things that you don’t really care to do but that she really likes to do (hopefully she’ll do the same for you) as well as the things you both like to do.

The hard thing will be to try and not worry about your needs and whether she meets them, but instead to try and focus on meeting her needs, on doing those small things for her that you might not really feel like doing.

Pray together and then if you are blessed with children pray with them.

I really think one of the keys is for both spouses to love each other so much that they want to sacrifice for each other, to do things for each other–and that can be hard to find especially in todays culture that tells you it’s supposed to be all about you and what you want. It can be especially challenging if you feel like you’re the one doing all the giving while your spouse does all the taking, but just remember how much Christ gives us and how little we really give Him.

I wish you all the best and pray Christ blesses your upcoming marriage.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[jjtc]

Much good advice here. I’m personally going on 26 years and it has been a great journey, with good times and bad. Sounds cliche, but sharing your faith and always communicating is very important. Remember that one of the most important tasks of marriage is to get your spouse to Heaven. During one trial I was going through some years back, I found some quotes from another member here embedded in a thread which really impacted me. So much so that I printed them out and have them hanging in front of me now attached to my monitor. Sorry I can’t give the person credit but I’ll put it here for you as something to think about. God Bless.

“Love isn’t about feelings, it’s an act of the will – so yes you can help it.”
“Love means to consistently will the good of the other. Are you willing the good of your wife or of your desires?”

 

[ahs]

Hello,

Did you have an idea of what married life would be like? Did you fully know what you signed up for before getting married? Did you draw parallels from your parents’ experience/bring in any biases? Or did you just “cross the bridge when you got there?”

As far as being financially ready was concerned; were you financially perfect when you got married? Or was it something you and your wife worked on together after the wedding?

I’m both excited and scared at the same time; I’m engaged to be married some time next year. We finished our pre-marriage course with our archdiocese.

Please share with me your experiences. I’d like to hear your stories. Any advice?

I had a vague idea about how my Marriage was going to be, but it ended up going out the window and was quickly replaced with reality.

I was able to use my parents’ example a couple times, though. My parents argued quite a bit when I was younger, and nearly separated. BUT, for whatever reason, they stuck it out, worked through whatever the problems were, and things got much better. That helped me in a crucial point in my first year of Marriage (which is the year you usually find out that things aren’t going to be how you planned them…a rough growing period.)

Much of what we have gone through has been “crossing the bridge when we get there”. We’ve gone through some tough stuff, some that even required counseling for us, but it’s all made us stronger as a couple.

Our finances were in shambles when we got Married. I was still in college with some $30,000 in loan debt (or more…I can’t remember). I graduated a year after we were Married. She was wiser than me and had paid her way through college, so out first 5 years of Marriage was her working nearly full-time so we could get out of debt, while my income paid the usual bills.

It’s a lot of uphill climbing, but it’s a lot of fun, with twists and turns all over the place. The warm/fuzzy/gushy feelings aren’t always there, but our choice to love each other carries us through in those times. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

 

[on_the_hill]

Well, just the other night I was up to something, I don’t even remember what, and my 18 year old daughter turned to my wife and said, “Maybr you should’ve married the one who was more trainable.”



Before I got married a friend gave me he only marriage advice that was worthwhile: You might not always feel like you’re in love, but you have to stay committed.

 

[Nightfly]

Hello,

Did you have an idea of what married life would be like? Did you fully know what you signed up for before getting married? Did you draw parallels from your parents’ experience/bring in any biases? Or did you just “cross the bridge when you got there?”

As far as being financially ready was concerned; were you financially perfect when you got married? Or was it something you and your wife worked on together after the wedding?

I’m both excited and scared at the same time; I’m engaged to be married some time next year. We finished our pre-marriage course with our archdiocese.

Please share with me your experiences. I’d like to hear your stories. Any advice?

I had no idea what marriage would be like. I kind of lived in the moment. I thought I knew what I signed up for at the time. Sickness and health, ya da ya da. I would have run for the hills if I knew what I know now. I am more alone than ever now. We had enough financially at the time but I could have been more cautious. I think the only thing that I got from my parents is just shut up and stay married no matter how miserable it is. Divorce is out of the question. I was excited going in but I was naive and insecure. What I do know is you do not have to get married. It’s not for everyone, especially at a young age.

 

[wheelie]

I’m not a man but I just asked my husband all of these questions:

Did you have an idea of what married life would be like?
Sort of, we had been together a long time before we got married

Did you fully know what you signed up for before getting married?
To as much as a degree as you can when thinking about the future

Did you draw parallels from your parents’ experience/bring in any biases?
Yes, my parents have a generally good marriage and are still very much in love with one another, I knew I wanted something similar

Or did you just “cross the bridge when you got there?”
A little of this yes. But you can’t predict the future so there is always going to be some of this

As far as being financially ready was concerned; were you financially perfect when you got married?
Financially perfect isn’t something most will reach ever. We were comfortable, had spare money and joint accounts

Or was it something you and your wife worked on together after the wedding?
You are always thinking about money and the future especially once you have children

 

[Str84ward]

Thank you kind sir your kind advice.

As for being prepared for the weird, I totally get the angle at which you are coming from. It’s the little things that can sometimes be a cause of tension and conflict’ it’s the little things that can set off a firestorm and that’s something I’m slowly getting acquainted with.

Nope…not a clue at 19.
Nope.
No…we just fell in love and got married.
Absolutely not! Still aren’t and really don’t expect to.
Yeah…and every day since.
We will have been married 45 years on February 26th. She is a saint. I am an idiot. We have 3 grown sons who are some of the best men I have ever met.

Let no one ever tell you that you guys can’t make it because you can but never let anyone tell you that it’s easy. You have to work at being in love with each other every moment of every day. If you fail to do that it will go sideways and you do not want that.

Be prepared for weird…she’s gonna put the toothpaste on the wrong side of the sink and a host of other odd stuff. Don’t sweat it…treasure it all because she is like a leaf or a snowflake…a one of a kind. Treat her like it.

Remember the following statement because it’s absolutely true.
***“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother”. ~Rev. Theodore Hesburgh ***

As for treating her like one of a kind, that’s one great advice! Our women need to be affirmed daily, and that’s something I need to keep working on and remind myself everyday to do; the courting process has to occur each and every single day; that ties in to the part when you say that you have to work on being in love each and every day.

**Thank you for this! **

 

[Str84ward]

An idea? Yes. But the reality is much better.

Yes. In terms of the meaning of marriage and the vows etc. I knew marriage was for life and both my wife and I were clear on that.

We have no debt really, We did get a loan to help pay for the wedding, but it’s already almost all paid off. I don’t think financial readiness is a good criteria for when to get married. If people waited til they were financially perfect to get married they could be waiting years and years. I’m still in university for the next year and a half. When I get out I and start working in my field (high-school teaching) I’ll be earning about 30k a year so we’ll be ok financially then. Just a bit of struggle til then but it’s a good experience to have to budget carefully.

Please share with me your experiences. I’d like to hear your stories. Any advice?

Thank you Adam Peter! Let me tell you that we are not financially perfect, but we are currently doing our best to improve our finances, and we are working on that together. She is actually a financial advisor/insurance agent and I am working a stable office job that gives me a stable weekly income, plus I do sales on weekends if I have the time. I also try to help her by referring clients to her, and I drive her around to her appointments if need be.

You mentioned that you’re still in school? That’s nice! I myself am preparing for law school for 2018, which will come one year after our wedding. I’m also highly considering going out of town to do a joint US/Canadian law program in Windsor/Detroit. You can only imagine the money that I need to shell out. It will be tough, but I know that nothing is impossible with God; just as the Angel Gabriel said it to our Blessed Mother.

Budgeting carefully is always great advice; can’t go wrong with that!

Be sure that I’ll be praying for you and your wife as well, brother!