To wash or not to wash?

[stephie_venuto]

Hello!

I have a question about obeying my Mother. Every night, no matter what, I for the dishes. Sometimes I don’t get to them until 12:00am, but I do them because I know my family is relying on me to do them. Recently, my Mom told me that every morning when she gets up and sees the dishes are done, she mentally thanks me, and that made me want to do them even more. The problem is, frequently my Mom will say that I don’t have to do the dishes or she’ll tell me not to. Am I breaking the 4th Commandment if she tells me not to and I do? They are one of the main things I do in the house, and I hold myself to them as a responsibility. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut!

– Stephie

 

[EasterJoy]

There is “telling you not to” and then there is “telling you not to.” Short answer: it is not automatically disrespectful to overrule your mother’s protests, even if you are quite young.

If she is going to thank you for overruling her protests, it is no dishonor to have done the work. You have given her the double gift of getting help she can really use even though she gave you every reason to avoid giving it. If, OTOH, she is telling you to do the job you don’t want to do (take care of yourself and get some sleep) instead of the one you want to do, that kind of willfulness can be wrong even if your mom isn’t there to remind you not to neglect your primary duty in favor of a non-obligatory good. The third possibility is that she’s making this an issue of respect. That is a more subtle call, but I don’t think she is doing that. You are better able to know that, though. If in doubt, tell her up front that you mean no disrespect, and see what she says. If it does make her feel you aren’t giving her the honor due her as a mother, talk it over with her and abide by what she says unless her insistence to avoid your help is something she really ought not do because of her duty to take care of herself. (In that case, find an arbiter on-site to help you sort things out.)

 

[ClearWater]

Hello!

I have a question about obeying my Mother. Every night, no matter what, I for the dishes. Sometimes I don’t get to them until 12:00am, but I do them because I know my family is relying on me to do them. Recently, my Mom told me that every morning when she gets up and sees the dishes are done, she mentally thanks me, and that made me want to do them even more. The problem is, frequently my Mom will say that I don’t have to do the dishes or she’ll tell me not to. Am I breaking the 4th Commandment if she tells me not to and I do? They are one of the main things I do in the house, and I hold myself to them as a responsibility. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut!

– Stephie

Why are you getting to the dishes as late as midnight? Normally, most younger people need to be in bed by then.

 

[stephie_venuto]

Since I often have an odd schedule, my parents let me go to bed when I want. I don’t abuse that and sit on the internet. Usually by 12:00am, I am in my room. The only reason I stay up is to pray or do dishes. Sometimes my days are so full that by the time I have finished doing my school work, practicing, and praying, it is quite late. Also, my parents don’t always know that I get up and do the dishes late. I don’t tell them about it because I prefer for it to be something that they don’t really notice, but are unconsciously thankful for.

 

[mommamaree]

Do you enjoy the quietness of the late night task? Just a question out of curiosity.

I think you are fine, not breaking a commandment at all. As long as you are not neglecting the responsibilities that properly belong to you as a young adult, then overriding your mother’s comment about not worrying about doing the dishes is not sinful. If it pleases you to serve your family in that way, and it makes them happy, and you are still getting enough rest, then do not worry.

You sound like a sweet young person. God bless you!

P.S. your story reminds me fondly of the behavior of my 8yo daughter last night, who took it upon herself to load the dishwasher and wipe down the table after dinner. She literally jumped in front of me and asked that I let her do it. And then she unloaded the clothes dryer, too! It is wonderful to see young people engaged in cheerful service.

 

[stephie_venuto]

mommamaree, yes! I do! When I do the dishes I usually pray, talk to God, sing, for just think. It is good relaxation time.

Thank you for your response. The only reason I really ask if because the commandment doesn’t give requirements for when you should honor your parents do what they say. It means for you to do what they say, without exception.

Thank you! I don’t know how sweet I am, but I do try to do God’s Will to the best of my ability.

That’s wonderful! She sounds like a lovely child!

 

[DMC12]

Specially at young ages it is best to go to sleep early, because it could affect your growth, or that is what i’ve heard.

i suggest you try to do it at other time, or leave it to them and help them with other stuff you could do earlier.

 

[CruceSignati]

I know what you mean. Sometimes I will do a job like washing dishes or cleaning the laundry room, and my mom will say, “You don’t really have to do that if you don’t want to.” But usually I will do it anyways because it gives me a chance to offer up some small suffering to God.

It doesn’t sound like you’re breaking the Fourth Commandment at all, so just make sure you take care of your health in doing so, and God bless you!

 

[stephie_venuto]

Specially at young ages it is best to go to sleep early, because it could affect your growth, or that is what i’ve heard.

i suggest you try to do it at other time, or leave it to them and help them with other stuff you could do earlier.

I don’t always do them do late, and I would do the, earlier except that I can’t. Unfortunantely, the rules of no eating before bedtime aren’t really enforced at my house, so when the kids go to bed is when the dishes stop. Even though we have a large dishwasher, none of my family puts their dishes in the dishwasher without me nagging at them (including my parents). So, a lot of time is lost there. Another problem is that while I enjoy doing the dishes, if I don’t do them, no one does. By the end of the day, they’ll be too high to even wash your hands, and the counter will be very cluttered. They are my responsibility, and I know I might be missing sleep sometimes, but I do them.

 

[stephie_venuto]

I don’t always do them do late, and I would do them earlier, except that I can’t. Unfortunately, the rules of no eating before bedtime aren’t really enforced at my house, so when the kids go to bed is when the dishes stop. Even though we have a large dishwasher, none of my family puts their dishes in the dishwasher without me nagging at them (including my parents). So, a lot of time is lost there. Another problem is that while I enjoy doing the dishes, if I don’t do them, no one does. By the end of the day, they’ll be too high to even wash your hands, and the counter will be very cluttered. They are my responsibility, and I know I might be missing sleep sometimes, but I do them.

 

[crystal_waters]

Since I often have an odd schedule, my parents let me go to bed when I want. I don’t abuse that and sit on the internet. Usually by 12:00am, I am in my room. The only reason I stay up is to pray or do dishes. Sometimes my days are so full that by the time I have finished doing my school work, practicing, and praying, it is quite late. Also, my parents don’t always know that I get up and do the dishes late. I don’t tell them about it because I prefer for it to be something that they don’t really notice, but are unconsciously thankful for.

Instead of doing the dishes at midnight, why not reorganize yourself…do dishes after evening meal, then go do your homework, then say your prayers before bed…

 

[stephie_venuto]

Instead of doing the dishes at midnight, why not reorganize yourself…do dishes after evening meal, then go do your homework, then say your prayers before bed…

I do the dishes over the course of the day. If I do the dishes right after, the sink is overflowing an hour later. That is what I wait until most of my family is in bed.

 

[DMC12]

I do the dishes over the course of the day. If I do the dishes right after, the sink is overflowing an hour later. That is what I wait until most of my family is in bed.

you know, to me it sounds like then you are doing things wrong you are attacking a consequence when you should be going for the cause. I would suggest you talk with your mother about rules, for example if someone eats at a diferent time than meal times, they have to wash their own dishes.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t always do them do late, and I would do the, earlier except that I can’t. Unfortunantely, the rules of no eating before bedtime aren’t really enforced at my house, so when the kids go to bed is when the dishes stop. Even though we have a large dishwasher, none of my family puts their dishes in the dishwasher without me nagging at them (including my parents). So, a lot of time is lost there. Another problem is that while I enjoy doing the dishes, if I don’t do them, no one does. By the end of the day, they’ll be too high to even wash your hands, and the counter will be very cluttered. They are my responsibility, and I know I might be missing sleep sometimes, but I do them.

I rented a room in a house once, and the rule was this: If you don’t have time to clean up after yourself, you don’t have time to eat. Shift a little responsibility on to those who ought to have it, which is to say your other siblings. Anyone caught shirking the amount you ask them to do, other than your parents to whom you are all in debt, gets to drop whatever they are doing and come and help you. Their future roommates will thank you.

If you do not learn to lay down these rules and enforce your personal boundaries as the “chief bottle washer”, I predict that some day your roommates will do the same thing to you. It will be like going through life with ill-mannered pets, because you never learned that the hassle of training an animal is worth the true hassle that it is, just because living with an untrained animal is even worse. The person driven nuts by unfinished work will do no less than 80% of the work in a shared house with no enforced rules dividing the labor. I have seen it again and again. You are that person, and you now have an opportunity to learn how to enforce boundaries with your peers. The golden ring is that once you learn, you will have a clean kitchen without being everyone else’s maid for the rest of your life. That is a very good trade-off.

 

[EasterJoy]

you know, to me it sounds like then you are doing things wrong you are attacking a consequence when you should be going for the cause. I would suggest you talk with your mother about rules, for example if someone eats at a diferent time than meal times, they have to wash their own dishes.

The time when the mother is telling the OP not to do the dishes would be a good time to do this…“you know, that brings up an issue I want to talk to you about; that is, that the rest of the kids treat you and me like maids.” The pitch ought to be not that the OP or the mother can’t make up for them, which could indeed be the easiest in the short term, but that their future roommates and spouses need them to leave home trained to pitch in and do their parts, giving a pass to those who deserve it–which is to say, the parents. Sure, it is ideal for the parents to pitch in, too, but it doesn’t kill anyone to learn that when life is very good to you, you shouldn’t complain because it is not always “fair”.