To what extent do I obey my parents at age 18?

[JCats1]

Hey everyone. I’m going to college in the fall and I’m kind of overwhelmed. This is long but please read the entire thing so that you can understand my situation.
To start off, I’ll give you some background. Growing up, I wasn’t really allowed to “hang out” with friends or leave my house. I would go to birthday parties occasionally, but it was mostly my friends coming over to my place. My parents are very overprotective of me. My parents were born and raised in India while I was born and raised here in the U.S so there is clearly a cultural difference between my parents and I.
I have decided that I would go to college in New York and I live in California. I want to experience something new and I love the East Coast and I hope to live there one day. Going out of state far away from home for college is very disapproved upon by some relatives and friends of my parents. In fact they are discouraging them.
My parents are talking to me and they are telling me not to leave campus at all. I’m pretty disappointed in this because I want to explore the new city I am in and I don’t want to be cooped up in my campus 24/7. I want to get involved in organizations and I’m going to have to leave campus for certain service activities and others.I told them and they told me to avoid those situations and not go. My parents just don’t want me to get hurt. They have told me that they’re biggest fear is me getting killed, losing my faith, getting hurt in any sort of way. I feel like this is fueled by the fact that everyone around my family does not want me to go out of state for college.
My faith in God is the most important thing in my life and I vow to never lose it. I know my limits and I’m not going to go to parties that involve drugs and alcohol. I know that I can’t trust everyone I meet in college and that I should be keeping my guard. But I just don’t want the burden of my parents still restricting me from doing things 2,000 miles away from home (I have to call everyday). Despite the fact that I am 18, in my parent’s culture, I am not fully an adult until I start my career and I can stand on my 2 feet, which is in about 8 years since I plan to go to Grad school. My parents are sacrificing a lot for me to go to one of the top universities in the nation, and it’s my main motivation for me to do great things and succeed when I’m there. But I also want to have fun and I don’t want to live in fear. So to what extent do I obey my parents when it comes to leaving campus?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hey everyone. I’m going to college in the fall and I’m kind of overwhelmed. This is long but please read the entire thing so that you can understand my situation.
To start off, I’ll give you some background. Growing up, I wasn’t really allowed to “hang out” with friends or leave my house. I would go to birthday parties occasionally, but it was mostly my friends coming over to my place. My parents are very overprotective of me. My parents were born and raised in India while I was born and raised here in the U.S so there is clearly a cultural difference between my parents and I.
I have decided that I would go to college in New York and I live in California. I want to experience something new and I love the East Coast and I hope to live there one day. Going out of state far away from home for college is very disapproved upon by some relatives and friends of my parents. In fact they are discouraging them.
My parents are talking to me and they are telling me not to leave campus at all. I’m pretty disappointed in this because I want to explore the new city I am in and I don’t want to be cooped up in my campus 24/7. I want to get involved in organizations and I’m going to have to leave campus for certain service activities and others.I told them and they told me to avoid those situations and not go. My parents just don’t want me to get hurt. They have told me that they’re biggest fear is me getting killed, losing my faith, getting hurt in any sort of way. I feel like this is fueled by the fact that everyone around my family does not want me to go out of state for college.
My faith in God is the most important thing in my life and I vow to never lose it. I know my limits and I’m not going to go to parties that involve drugs and alcohol. I know that I can’t trust everyone I meet in college and that I should be keeping my guard. But I just don’t want the burden of my parents still restricting me from doing things 2,000 miles away from home (I have to call everyday). Despite the fact that I am 18, in my parent’s culture, I am not fully an adult until I start my career and I can stand on my 2 feet, which is in about 8 years since I plan to go to Grad school. My parents are sacrificing a lot for me to go to one of the top universities in the nation, and it’s my main motivation for me to do great things and succeed when I’m there. But I also want to have fun and I don’t want to live in fear. So to what extent do I obey my parents when it comes to leaving campus?

I won’t comment on the wisdom of what probably most people think of your parents ideas as presented here. But I will ask one simple question. Who is financially providing for you and for your education?

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Your parents are unrealistic at best. Call home every day? You could do that for a few days, but then I would be “too busy studying.”

 

[Irishmom2]

It is unrealistic for your parents to think that you are never going to leave the campus. In fact, your courses may require you to attend things off campus. Even though your parents may be footing the bill for you to attend college, you are 18 years old, legal. You will have to make your own responsible choices. You could offer to text them each day after the first few days, saying that you are finding it hard to call because you have work to do for class. I believe a daily text will ease their apprehension, and I doubt that you are unable to manage a text a day…

 

[mommy_k]

Your parents love you and have the best intentions for you. Are you familiar with living in nyc or another major city? NYC can be safe but it can also be dangerous, like any other city.

I could spot someone who is not city wise in a nanosecond and so can others.

For your first year there, make friends with a classmate who is a native new yorker.Once you are there a few months, I think your parents will ease up their restrictions.

 

[RPRPsych]

Your parents are unrealistic at best. Call home every day? You could do that for a few days, but then I would be “too busy studying.”

It’s a cultural thing. I’ve been away from home from age 23 till now (I’m 36) and I still call home every day.

 

[SuperHappy]

I have to say that you are fortunate and blessed to have parents who love you, care about you, are protective of you an provide for you. Although you may feel stifled at times, they obviously do what they do out of love for you. Appreciate that!

As for not leaving campus, that is something that they want but will likely be difficult to avoid. Your best bet is to stay on campus as much as possible and then as you become more comfortable, they will likely loosen up.

I’m not from your culture, but I call my parents daily and I always have. It’s not that big of a problem to give them five minutes a day.

Congratulations on your great accomplishment and good luck with your goals!

 

[pianistclare]

I won’t comment on the wisdom of what probably most people think of your parents ideas as presented here. But I will ask one simple question. Who is financially providing for you and for your education?

LOL

Reading minds again, HD?

 

[Purgatory_Pete]

Flashing forward a few years.
So to what extent do you want your children to obey you when it comes to leaving campus?

Just wondering ?
:tiphat:

 

[1ke]

It is not realistic to believe you will not ever leave campus. Your parents will continue to have difficulty letting go. You can do all you can to ease their minds by texting and/or calling to let them know you are OK.

Your parents do NOT need to know everything you do. And NO you do not need to OBEY your parents at this age. Respect, yes. Obey, no.

And there are those who say if your parents are paying you must “obey” and that is simply not supported by church teaching. Your parents, of course, are free to give or not give aid. However that aid does not give them the carte blanche to run your life in minute detail, including your choice of friends, college major, spouse, occupation, etc.

 

[philipl]

Hey everyone. I’m going to college in the fall and I’m kind of overwhelmed. This is long but please read the entire thing so that you can understand my situation.
To start off, I’ll give you some background. Growing up, I wasn’t really allowed to “hang out” with friends or leave my house. I would go to birthday parties occasionally, but it was mostly my friends coming over to my place. My parents are very overprotective of me. My parents were born and raised in India while I was born and raised here in the U.S so there is clearly a cultural difference between my parents and I.
I have decided that I would go to college in New York and I live in California. I want to experience something new and I love the East Coast and I hope to live there one day. Going out of state far away from home for college is very disapproved upon by some relatives and friends of my parents. In fact they are discouraging them.
My parents are talking to me and they are telling me not to leave campus at all. I’m pretty disappointed in this because I want to explore the new city I am in and I don’t want to be cooped up in my campus 24/7. I want to get involved in organizations and I’m going to have to leave campus for certain service activities and others.I told them and they told me to avoid those situations and not go. My parents just don’t want me to get hurt. They have told me that they’re biggest fear is me getting killed, losing my faith, getting hurt in any sort of way. I feel like this is fueled by the fact that everyone around my family does not want me to go out of state for college.
My faith in God is the most important thing in my life and I vow to never lose it. I know my limits and I’m not going to go to parties that involve drugs and alcohol. I know that I can’t trust everyone I meet in college and that I should be keeping my guard. But I just don’t want the burden of my parents still restricting me from doing things 2,000 miles away from home (I have to call everyday). Despite the fact that I am 18, in my parent’s culture, I am not fully an adult until I start my career and I can stand on my 2 feet, which is in about 8 years since I plan to go to Grad school. My parents are sacrificing a lot for me to go to one of the top universities in the nation, and it’s my main motivation for me to do great things and succeed when I’m there. But I also want to have fun and I don’t want to live in fear. So to what extent do I obey my parents when it comes to leaving campus?

As long as they are paying the bill, you obey them.

 

[pensmama87]

It is not realistic to believe you will not ever leave campus. Your parents will continue to have difficulty letting go. You can do all you can to ease their minds by texting and/or calling to let them know you are OK.

Your parents do NOT need to know everything you do. And NO you do not need to OBEY your parents at this age. Respect, yes. Obey, no.

And there are those who say if your parents are paying you must “obey” and that is simply not supported by church teaching. Your parents, of course, are free to give or not give aid. However that aid does not give them the carte blanche to run your life in minute detail, including your choice of friends, college major, spouse, occupation, etc.

Right.

I think at this age, especially since you are bothered by the intrusiveness, you can start slowly negotiating your way out and showing your parents you are grown up. My husband calls his parents most days and he’s 30, and that’s a family dynamic that is foreign to me, but they just love him and want to know what’s going on with him. That’s different than trying to control every part of his life.

 

[kptrs]

It is not realistic to believe you will not ever leave campus. Your parents will continue to have difficulty letting go. You can do all you can to ease their minds by texting and/or calling to let them know you are OK.

Your parents do NOT need to know everything you do. And NO you do not need to OBEY your parents at this age. Respect, yes. Obey, no.

And there are those who say if your parents are paying you must “obey” and that is simply not supported by church teaching. Your parents, of course, are free to give or not give aid. However that aid does not give them the carte blanche to run your life in minute detail, including your choice of friends, college major, spouse, occupation, etc.

I don’t want to second guess you, 1ke, because I know you are right. But I will just say it can be kind of hard to go against parents’ wishes when you are financially dependent on them. My parents sound similar to the OP’s. I was completely financially dependent on them in college. They did not dictate my choice of major, occupation, spouse, or friends. But they did have several “rules” I had to follow…I had to be back at the dorm at a certain hour. I wasn’t allowed to accept rides from anyone, even people I knew. The only thing I could use my car for was to get where I needed to go for my internship. When I did use the car, I had to call them before I left, and after I arrived - same for the trip back. And yes, I had to call every day and tell them, in detail, everything I did that day.

It was often pointed out to me that they were paying for everything so, well… I’d better do what they told me. And I couldn’t argue with the fact that they were indeed paying for everything.

I’m not saying what they did was right, but I speak from experience when I say it’s hard to stand your ground when others are paying your bills.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Relationships are a dance. Sometimes you lead, other times you are lead. Creating a foundation of dance moves allows the perfection of the boundaries to which you can create a beautiful dance. Your parents are the first, and usually the safest to learn to dance with (give and take). However, as your parents are trying to buy your loyalty they expect certain boundaries with the dance moves. As you learn new dance moves, you move farther away from your parents. This is when you need to work with them to expand the dance.

Whose dream is it to go to college for eight years? After college, will you also be expected to payback such a gracious loan in the form of monetary or future caregiving to your parents? How much do you want to accomplish things on your own vs how much do you need your parents to lift you? Most of these answers should balance in the middle rather than an “all or nothing” answer. Finding the answer may take a lifetime and may not be a simple answer you will instantly recognize. Have a good time on this journey.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Money really does matter here. People sign contracts for money with behavioral conditions all the time. Scholarships for sports often contain team rules as strict as no social media, bedtimes, and off campus restrictions. The NBA requires a dress code of suits and ties for the sole purpose of walking from a car to a locker.
Jobs can require all sorts of restrictions. Where pot is legal corporations can decide what you ingest off the clock and make you urinate in front of a witness on demand.
So let’s keep these perhaps overprotective parents in perspective.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Money really does matter here. People sign contracts for money with behavioral conditions all the time. Scholarships for sports often contain team rules as strict as no social media, bedtimes, and off campus restrictions. The NBA requires a dress code of suits and ties for the sole purpose of walking from a car to a locker.
Jobs can require all sorts of restrictions. Where pot is legal corporations can decide what you ingest off the clock and make you urinate in front of a witness on demand.
So let’s keep these perhaps overprotective parents in perspective.

Yes, the parents are purchasing their children’s behavior without faith that their children were raised correctly. It is a generous and loving gift that can become a means to over control. It is a delicate balance where the child learns to do for themselves and to follow the contract. Too often, children fail to see what the parents really expect the gift to produce; too often, parents expectations of such gifts linger way past the original intent. Should the boundaries in the contract be too stringent, it will cause rebellion and resentment at too strict of expectations… Parents, sports, schalarships, ect. It is good for everyone in the party to examine what a good choice is for them based on their wants, needs, and dreams.

 

[pensmama87]

Money really does matter here. People sign contracts for money with behavioral conditions all the time. Scholarships for sports often contain team rules as strict as no social media, bedtimes, and off campus restrictions. The NBA requires a dress code of suits and ties for the sole purpose of walking from a car to a locker.
Jobs can require all sorts of restrictions. Where pot is legal corporations can decide what you ingest off the clock and make you urinate in front of a witness on demand.
So let’s keep these perhaps overprotective parents in perspective.

That doesn’t mean no room for negotiating terms, though.

 

[Viki63]

My parents just don’t want me to get hurt. They have told me that they’re biggest fear is me getting killed, losing my faith, getting hurt in any sort of way.

This comment is what stood out for me.
Your parents love you and can’t stand the thought of anything happening to you. But our children run the ordinary risks of life every day, not to mention the dangers of muggers, terrorist attacks, car accidents, you name it. Life is risky, unless you live in a closet.

Yet they trust in God. Perhaps you could sit down with them and discuss the risks you will be running in going out of state to college, and your plans for protecting yourself.
Perhaps you could also discuss your faith in God, and belief that even if something were to happen to you, you know it will be all right in the end, because we are all in God’s hands and he wants only the best for us.

My daughter lives downtown, instead of with me. But even if she lived with me, I couldn’t be with her 24/7, and have to let her go in God’s hands at some point.

Ask your parents for advice on protecting yourself, and ask them to pray with you. I got my daughter mace for protection, and she carries it. It makes me feel a little more secure. But in the end, we just have to trust in the compassion of God.

.

 

[Perian]

I sympathize with your situation, though I may not be able to empathize. This is a very delicate transition time and I think the answer may ultimately be to trust in your conscience and compassion for your parents’ perspective and well-meaning concern for you-- while figuring out what that means for your ability to flourish as a young adult. Too many people make the mistake of acting like a child, or allowing themselves to be treated like a child all throughout college, and don’t take on the mental ownership of adulthood until after graduation. College is such fruitful ground for finding your feet and stretching those muscles-- I think wasting it contributes to the cognitive dissonance of the college freedom resulting in absurdly childish, avoidable mistakes.

As for the money business… I graduated from college only 5 years ago and I was an equal contributor to paying. I earned a scholarship, got a job, and my parents made up the difference, which I have appreciated tremendously. They saved me from the debt all of my peers will be tied to for many decades and I have not hesitated to tell them how grateful I am. That being said, I have also told them that if they want me to repay them, I will. But, they have to make a decision-- either that money was a free and loving gift or it was not. I cannot allow it to be held over my head like a debtor when it was not presented as such at the time… So, which one is it for you? Is this a free and loving gift from two parents to their adult child whom they trust to respect them within reason for a legal adult living across the country? Or are they loan officers with a list of behaviors on which your financial security is dependent?

If it’s the second one,I know what I would do personally. I would rather protect my loving relationship with my parents by not exposing it to the resentment of being treated like a dog on a leash, bound by my financial needs. College will be a lot harder if you have to do it without their help, but you CAN do it. And you will be an even more mature, realistic adult, ready to take on life after school, than you would have been otherwise.

So, this situation is yours to discern with delicacy and respect, which I feel was communicated wonderfully in your OP. You are a loving person and you are very charitable when talking about the influence of culture in your parents’ concerns. You can do this and I believe your relationship with them will be okay. I hope you are able to find the balance that will make you both happy and confident.

 

[jeannetherese]

I have decided that I would go to college in New York and I live in California. I want to experience something new and I love the East Coast and I hope to live there one day.
. Despite the fact that I am 18, in my parent’s culture, I am not fully an adult until I start my career and I can stand on my 2 feet, which is in about 8 years since I plan to go to Grad school. My parents are sacrificing a lot for me to go to one of the top universities in the nation,

Out of state tuition at one of the top universities in the nation for 8 years (including grad school tuition) has a tremendous monetary value, and may provide you with certain opportunities (due to name brand recognition and connections you may make at university).
Of course, as you have noted, while you may be legally considered to be of adult age, you are looking at 8 years of not standing on your own feet.
How important is standing on your own feet before age 26 in your eyes? What are the opportunity costs of each choice? (spiritual, moral, intellectual, emotional and material?) How are you prioritizing these costs?
Is moving to New York and receiving this level of funding worth this trade off when your stated reason for moving is to experience the East Coast?
A 5K vacation could give you an East Coast experience, be fully fundable through minimum wage after school employment, and save you and your parents a bundle (and some contention) while you decide what you want to be and do when you grow up.
Good GRE scores and a good GPA at a less expensive local school should get you into a good grad school later, if you wish to work on the independence angle.
Either way, honoring your parents is highly recommended by our Lord.
May God bless you and your parents.