To what extent do I obey my parents regarding relationships?

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Hi everyone. So to give some background, I am 18 years old. I currently live in the east coast for college, but my parents live in the West coast, where I was born and raised. I have been reflecting on this for a while and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve known this guy for a long time and we’re friends. I do have feelings for him and he might share those feelings as well. Basically there is potential for a relationship to form between us. He lives in the West Coast, might come over next year in the East Coast. He’s 18 as well.
If we do end up in a relationship, my parents cannot know about it for many reasons. One reason is because they would prefer I worry about dating and stuff after I finish college/ grad school, which is 8 years from now. Another reason is that my parents don’t believe in the concept of dating. My parents are from India and they practically had an arranged marriage and they prefer that I do the same, but I don’t believe in that stuff because my parents’ marriage is not good at all. Fights have broken out and ultimately they are just not compatible with each other. ( I was born and raised in the USA). Here’s another issue: my parents want me to date/marry someone of the same race as me, but my friend is European/white.
Is this a bad thing considering the circumstances? I mean my parents have met this guy and they like him a lot. They’re fine with us being friends. Honestly, as I think about it they wouldn’t mind too much if we dated but when we’re much older. I know some people may say oh if it’s meant to be it will happen eventually, but what is the problem if I date him earlier?
 
JCats1 said:
Hi everyone. So to give some background, I am 18 years old. I currently live in the east coast for college, but my parents live in the West coast, where I was born and raised. I have been reflecting on this for a while and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve known this guy for a long time and we’re friends. I do have feelings for him and he might share those feelings as well. Basically there is potential for a relationship to form between us. He lives in the West Coast, might come over next year in the East Coast. He’s 18 as well.
If we do end up in a relationship, my parents cannot know about it for many reasons. One reason is because they would prefer I worry about dating and stuff after I finish college/ grad school, which is 8 years from now. Another reason is that my parents don’t believe in the concept of dating. My parents are from India and they practically had an arranged marriage and they prefer that I do the same, but I don’t believe in that stuff because my parents’ marriage is not good at all. Fights have broken out and ultimately they are just not compatible with each other. ( I was born and raised in the USA). Here’s another issue: my parents want me to date/marry someone of the same race as me, but my friend is European/white.
Is this a bad thing considering the circumstances? I mean my parents have met this guy and they like him a lot. They’re fine with us being friends. Honestly, as I think about it they wouldn’t mind too much if we dated but when we’re much older. I know some people may say oh if it’s meant to be it will happen eventually, but what is the problem if I date him earlier?
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18 is not too young to date. They do not have to approve, but if they have valid concerns, which I wouldn’t say describes any of what you mentioned, those should be considered.
 
JCats1 said:
Hi everyone. So to give some background, I am 18 years old. I currently live in the east coast for college, but my parents live in the West coast, where I was born and raised. I have been reflecting on this for a while and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve known this guy for a long time and we’re friends. I do have feelings for him and he might share those feelings as well. Basically there is potential for a relationship to form between us. He lives in the West Coast, might come over next year in the East Coast. He’s 18 as well.
If we do end up in a relationship, my parents cannot know about it for many reasons. One reason is because they would prefer I worry about dating and stuff after I finish college/ grad school, which is 8 years from now. Another reason is that my parents don’t believe in the concept of dating. My parents are from India and they practically had an arranged marriage and they prefer that I do the same, but I don’t believe in that stuff because my parents’ marriage is not good at all. Fights have broken out and ultimately they are just not compatible with each other. ( I was born and raised in the USA). Here’s another issue: my parents want me to date/marry someone of the same race as me, but my friend is European/white.
Is this a bad thing considering the circumstances? I mean my parents have met this guy and they like him a lot. They’re fine with us being friends. Honestly, as I think about it they wouldn’t mind too much if we dated but when we’re much older. I know some people may say oh if it’s meant to be it will happen eventually, but what is the problem if I date him earlier?
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If you’re 18 - a legal adult - they can’t force you to do anything. That applies to both American and Catholic law. Eighteen is a very reasonable age to start dating if you have found someone that you like.
 
AClaire11 said:
18 is not too young to date. They do not have to approve, but if they have valid concerns, which I wouldn’t say describes any of what you mentioned, those should be considered.
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I agree with this.

Be prepared to deal with any potential fallout, though. You have the freedom to date who you please, they have the freedom to disapprove.
 
JCats1 said:
To what extent do I obey my parents regarding relationships?
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Adult children have no obligation to “obey” parents regarding their choice of profession or spouse.

Here’s what the Catechism says about the matter:

2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. **Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. **This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
 
1ke said:
Adult children have no obligation to “obey” parents regarding their choice of profession or spouse.

Here’s what the Catechism says about the matter:

2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. **Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. **This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
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+1 👍
 
So is it wrong for me to date behind their back? Because if I do date, they cannot know until later
 
I think for now you should concentrate on your studies. You have plenty of time for dating. Peace.
 
pensmama87 said:
I agree with this.

Be prepared to deal with any potential fallout, though. You have the freedom to date who you please, they have the freedom to disapprove.
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I think this is an excellent point. My friend in college was dating a guy her parents disapproved of (but for valid reasons) and they finally told her either he goes or they will no longer pay for her education.

If your parents are paying for 8 years of education it’s something to consider. I know you didn’t say either way, and I’m not asking for it’s not my business but that made a huge difference in my friend’s decision to break up with her boyfriend.

Mary.
 
1ke said:
Adult children have no obligation to “obey” parents regarding their choice of profession or spouse.

Here’s what the Catechism says about the matter:

2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. **Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. **This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
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Salutations, in Christ,
I know St. Thomas evangelized in Northern India.
You did not mention your faith or faith of parents.
Arranged marrisge come from all cultures but stopped in about mid to late 1800’s.
Both of you being 18yo, is a little troublsome. The male should be 2 yrs older. Women are 2 yrs more mature than the male species. You’ll have time for love after your Masters. Though knowing what a PhD requires, it is wise to be in love w books and career goals till done. It is amazing what the men get jealous over. Now, Indian men are good looking. Usually, education oriented. and soft spoken.
Getting help on computer, I WOULD HAVE CALLED ME STUPID! God bless him," It wii be all right ma’am, calm down." I don’t know how yelling at wife goes or beating in your culture but if in this business situation they are saints.
Keep him on the west coast for 4 yrs. Honor your parents as much as you can.
Whatever religion, x for Wiccan and Satanism (scary) your virtue is honored. In America, that is not true 100%. You are a treasure. Keep yourself pure. No matter what the handsome guy looks like. They’ll drop you like a hot potato after you’ve loved too deeply.
AVOID THE OCCASSION OF SIN. Meet in public places. No up to room for coffee,etc. Your young, Don’t tie yourself down till you are what God meant you to be.If a husband leaves a wife, you have your career to fall back on. Parents want success for children. See FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. Cute movie.
Pray to St. Maria Goretti for purity. Google her name. Site should give you prayer. We can make our own up.
St. Maria Goretti, you were beautiful and attracted an unhealthy love from a young man in your village.
Your heart was full of love for Jesus and your goal
Was to be a Bride of Christ. You stood firm in your love for Jesus, even though this young man assaulted you and killed you, so young. Help our maidens all over the world value their purity in Jesus name, until God makes it clear to them, who their spouses are to be.
In your most Holy Name Jesus,
By the power of the Holy Spirit
In accordance with the will of the Father.
Amen.
in Christ’s love
Tweedlealice
 
You’re 18. Not too old to date and old enough to make your own decisions in this regard. It’s none o your parents business. It sounds like they will want too much control in this decision regardless of when it comes.
 
You do not have to date someone exactly two years older than you. That’s ridiculous.

Dating in college is fine as long as it isn’t too distracting. You know yourself best. If marriage is in the future, I’d wait until you graduate undergrad.

IMO refusing to pay for someone’s tuition if they’re dating someone is unreasonable, unless grades drop or the person is a bad influence. But it’s their money and their choice if they are paying.
 
JCats1 said:
So is it wrong for me to** date behind their back**? Because if I do date, they cannot know until later
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I don’t know that this is the right way to look at it, unless there’s some kind of agreement in place about your conduct and, say, their financing of your education.

Your social life is your own, you don’t live with them, conduct it how you please (but be moral, stay safe, and so on.) You aren’t under an obligation to tell your parents every single little detail about your life.

Now, to expand on my previous answer, 18 is still young. Dating is to discern marriage. It sounds like you haven’t even been on a date with this guy yet. I would not start worrying yet about a “relationship” until you’ve been on several dates with this guy and think it actually has the potential to go somewhere. It doesn’t sound like you’re there yet.

Several people master the art of gradually introducing reluctant parents to a potential spouse and successfully get their approval (provided the parents are actually just cautious and not unreasonable or crazy). But you’re not that stage with this guy. If your parents are reasonable people (and they may become more reasonable as you hit your twenties, which is when you’d be more likely to be thinking about marriage). At that point, you can figure out introductions and gauge the temperature.

I think right now in your life is a very good time to show your parents that you can be responsible and handle independence. That means conducting your own daily business, getting good grades, but also not telling them every little detail or requesting permission or approval for everything, and fixing your own mistakes when you make them. You’re in a transition period now that you don’t live with them and are no longer a child. It takes time to figure out but you’ll get there. 👍
 
Mary_Estelle said:
I think for now you should concentrate on your studies. You have plenty of time for dating. Peace.
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Yes. Also from a cultural point a good friend of mine is punjab I and dated someone without her parents knowing. She said it’s much different situation in this culture and the fallout of this can be serious.

So i don’t think people who are not the same culture can advise you on your question.
 
JCats1 said:
So is it wrong for me to date behind their back? Because if I do date, they cannot know until later
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Not everyone has a right to your personal info. It is okay to withhold things. On the other hand, you should not be outright lying, especially to your parents. So there is a tricky line there.

If things do “blow up”, you do not have to obey them, but still try to be respectful of them while still respecting yourself.
 
mommy_k said:
Yes. Also from a cultural point a good friend of mine is punjab I and dated someone without her parents knowing. She said it’s much different situation in this culture and the fallout of this can be serious.

So i don’t think people who are not the same culture can advise you on your question.
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Just because it’s cultural doesn’t make it right. Or give it some sort of un-challengeable status.
 
AdamPeter said:
Just because it’s cultural doesn’t make it right. Or give it some sort of un-challengeable status.
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That is definitely true. I think she means that someone with more knowledge about the culture’s particulars would be able to give more advice on how best to navigate those particulars and what to expect in terms of fallout.
 
AClaire11 said:
That is definitely true. I think she means that someone with more knowledge about the culture’s particulars would be able to give more advice on how best to navigate those particulars and what to expect in terms of fallout.
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True. But I think in this day and age, often people are cautious of saying it like it is when it comes to culture.

If their culture is arranged marriage and their daughter doesn’t believe in that because she was born and raised in the USA, then maybe she needs to just tell her parents that.

Just a question to the OP:
Are your parents the same religion as you? If they’re catholic they should realise that Catholic teaching doesn’t always go along with cultural norms. Especially when it comes to parental choice of a vocation.
 
pensmama87 said:
I agree with this.

Be prepared to deal with any potential fallout, though. You have the freedom to date who you please, they have the freedom to disapprove.
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That’s correct. If they are paying for school or living expenses they could simply stop paying. Taking care of children after they are adults is a two way street. There is no obligation for them to support their child if their child is no longer holding up their part of an agreement.
JCats1 said:
So is it wrong for me to date behind their back? Because if I do date, they cannot know until later
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That really depends on how things work out. You don’t have to tell them out of the blue, but if they ask you and you lie to them it is not okay. That is not a sin against obeying your parent, but about bearing false witness. Also, if your parents are supporting you and there was an explicit agreement that you wouldn’t date then you are walking a thin line by taking their support while not holding up your end of the agreement.

Having two adult children that are a little older than you, I will say you need to be careful. My kids know that lying to me goes over much worse than disagreeing with me. When we disagree we can discuss things, but outright lying to me is a violation of trust. I don’t know how traditional your parents are, but based on a number of friends I have from India, going behind their backs would be considered highly disrespectful. You have to be prepared for the fall out when they find out. It’s not a question of “if they find out” the chance that you can hide dating for 8 years is highly unlikely. It is very difficult keeping a secret like that for years on end unless you rarely talk to your parents.
 
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