Today's Gen Y society of 'dating'

[TheHolyTrinity9]

Being a Catholic, growing up a teenager in a 21st century society is a heavy cross that comes with ridicule, abuse and non-conformity. Growing up even in a Catholic school, people seem almost shocked when I tell them “No I haven’t had sex, no I want to wait until marriage, no I don’t sexually please myself.” So when it comes time for dating, it seems almost impossible to find people my age with the same views in my area. I know there are people out there but I can’t seem to find them. Not necessarily to date as of yet but to just be friends with. Even in my parish the demography is either children or adults/grandparents. So I’m a bit perplexed as to where to go. Anyone have any suggestions? Take in mind Australia doesn’t have much functions for Catholic teenagers.

 

[dshix]

Well, while you’re a teenager, and not of marriageable age, there is no reason to date. I agree that it is frustrating to have so few opportunities to form relationships with others of your age, however.

Find out with there are Catholic Youth Groups near your area. When you are of age, try to find Catholic Young Adult groups.

 

[mdgspencer]

I recommend that, if you haven’t already been doing it, that you pray. Pray for light, pray for friends.

 

[pensmama87]

Well, while you’re a teenager, and not of marriageable age, there is no reason to date. I agree that it is frustrating to have so few opportunities to form relationships with others of your age, however.

Find out with there are Catholic Youth Groups near your area. When you are of age, try to find Catholic Young Adult groups.

Yes, this.

It can also be helpful to learn how to say no to discussing such personal topics.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, this.

It can also be helpful to learn how to say no to discussing such personal topics.

Right.

Here are some phrases to learn and use:

“That’s a really personal question.”

“Do you mind? I’m trying to eat here.”

“TMI! TMI!”

“I like to keep private stuff private.”

If you are with a large and uncongenial group, there’s no reason to provide personal information. With a close same sex friend whose discretion you trust, it’s a bit different, but I wouldn’t share that type of information with any person of the opposite sex unless they were a) my doctor b) my confessor or c) my fiance or very, very serious boyfriend.

There’s no upside to over-sharing.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

Yes, this.

It can also be helpful to learn how to say no to discussing such personal topics.

Good advice!

I was going to ask him or her why he or she discusses such personal and intimate matters. I’d just tell people it was none of their business in a nicer way, probably.

 

[WJeffrey]

Just because other teens are jumping off cliffs doesn’t mean that you have to follow them.

Part of being a good Catholic is being a leader.

There is nothing wrong with telling people that you are saving yourself for marriage and leave it at that. If a person does not want to be your friend because that is the way you want to live your life, that person was never a true friend.

Pretty soon you might discover that girls inwardly respect your choices and want to be around you because they wished they were as brave as you. You might also discover that boys are more interested because you do say no. (Guys are competitive by nature. Nothing cause a guy to notice a woman more than the realization that she may be unattainable. Suddenly, that girl turns into someone special.)

Be a leader, and others will follow. Offer a friendly smile and ask people about themselves. Before long, you will find that you are the person leading the conversation and making the plans.

 

[Xantippe]

Just because other teens are jumping off cliffs doesn’t mean that you have to follow them.

Part of being a good Catholic is being a leader.

There is nothing wrong with telling people that you are saving yourself for marriage and leave it at that. If a person does not want to be your friend because that is the way you want to live your life, that person was never a true friend.

Pretty soon you might discover that girls inwardly respect your choices and want to be around you because they wished they were as brave as you. You might also discover that boys are more interested because you do say no. (Guys are competitive by nature. Nothing cause a guy to notice a woman more than the realization that she may be unattainable. Suddenly, that girl turns into someone special.)

Be a leader, and others will follow. Offer a friendly smile and ask people about themselves. Before long, you will find that you are the person leading the conversation and making the plans.

And that’s one of the reasons that young women need to be discreet about talking about their virginity.

It’s right up there with loudly announcing, “I’ve got a suitcase full of gold bars under my bed!”

 

[Kelfa28]

And that’s one of the reasons that young women need to be discreet about talking about their virginity.

It’s right up there with loudly announcing, “I’ve got a suitcase full of gold bars under my bed!”

Yes.

I don’t understand why we’ve come to a place where you might as well hang a sign around your neck that declares whether you are a virgin or not.

Do people go out on dates and just come out and ask? How is that appropriate?

Then that will be the only thing a man will think about. It’s basic card-playing 101…you don’t show your hand.

Keep it to yourself and just play. Show your hand later when you’ve already won the pot…if you want to. But by that point…it shouldn’t matter anyway.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes.

I don’t understand why we’ve come to a place where you might as well hang a sign around your neck that declares whether you are a virgin or not.

Do people go out on dates and just come out and ask? How is that appropriate?

Then that will be the only thing a man will think about. It’s basic card-playing 101…you don’t show your hand.

Keep it to yourself and just play. Show your hand later when you’ve already won the pot…if you want to. But by that point…it shouldn’t matter anyway.

Right.

 

[TheHolyTrinity9]

Just because other teens are jumping off cliffs doesn’t mean that you have to follow them.

Part of being a good Catholic is being a leader.

There is nothing wrong with telling people that you are saving yourself for marriage and leave it at that. If a person does not want to be your friend because that is the way you want to live your life, that person was never a true friend.

Pretty soon you might discover that girls inwardly respect your choices and want to be around you because they wished they were as brave as you. You might also discover that boys are more interested because you do say no. (Guys are competitive by nature. Nothing cause a guy to notice a woman more than the realization that she may be unattainable. Suddenly, that girl turns into someone special.)

Be a leader, and others will follow. Offer a friendly smile and ask people about themselves. Before long, you will find that you are the person leading the conversation and making the plans.

I like this advice, it relates to me somewhat. I’ll tell them but then I’ll just leave it at that. Most people respect the decision. It certainly does stand out though in this society.

 

[WJeffrey]

And that’s one of the reasons that young women need to be discreet about talking about their virginity.

It’s right up there with loudly announcing, “I’ve got a suitcase full of gold bars under my bed!”

You really don’t have a clue about men. There will always be men who want women for the wrong reasons just like there are an equal number of women who want men for the same wrong reasons.

However, the quality guys with a good moral upbringing and prospects in life that go far beyond High School do not want an easy conquest. They want to meet and have relationships with the type of woman that I discussed. They want to meet a woman with substance.

I feel bad that your life experience dating was different. Perhaps if you lived my advice you would be less jaded. The women that I went to High School with who lived my advice were all popular, respected and ended up going to good schools. They ended up with good careers and most today are happily married with families.

Their social calendars were full because people gravitate toward positive people and are turned of by negativity and a lack of morality. They had as many friends as they had time for.

It works the same way with both men and women.

Both men and women are attracted to poised leaders with good character and a sense humor. It doesn’t matter whether it is for friendship or dating.

People in High School know what everyone else is doing. The most popular subject taught in High School is gossip. (Unless things have dramatically changed during the past 25 years.) The OP may feel self conscious about her positive life choices. The quality people at her school know about her choices, and respect her all the more.

A friendly smile, eye contact, and asking questions designed to make people talk about their favorite subject, themselves, makes people approachable. If the OP wants to meet people with prospects in life, it is the best way to do it. This approach beats the immoral approach every single time.

 

[Xantippe]

You really don’t have a clue about men. There will always be men who want women for the wrong reasons just like there are an equal number of women who want men for the same wrong reasons.

However, the quality guys with a good moral upbringing and prospects in life that go far beyond High School do not want an easy conquest. They want to meet and have relationships with the type of woman that I discussed. They want to meet a woman with substance.

I feel bad that your life experience dating was different. Perhaps if you lived my advice you would be less jaded. The women that I went to High School with who lived my advice were all popular, respected and ended up going to good schools. They ended up with good careers and most today are happily married with families.

Their social calendars were full because people gravitate toward positive people and are turned of by negativity and a lack of morality. They had as many friends as they had time for.

It works the same way with both men and women.

Both men and women are attracted to poised leaders with good character and a sense humor. It doesn’t matter whether it is for friendship or dating.

People in High School know what everyone else is doing. The most popular subject taught in High School is gossip. (Unless things have dramatically changed during the past 25 years.) The OP may feel self conscious about her positive life choices. The quality people at her school know about her choices, and respect her all the more.

A friendly smile, eye contact, and asking questions designed to make people talk about their favorite subject, themselves, makes people approachable. If the OP wants to meet people with prospects in life, it is the best way to do it. This approach beats the immoral approach every single time.

Announcing one’s virginity is TMI. It also attracts wolves.

Here’s some wise advise from Dorothy Cummings McLean on the subject:

"…yes, some N[ice]C[atholic]B[oy]s are obsessed with marrying virgins. This is more of a patriarchal-control thing than a Catholic thing. Guys like that often have ISSUES. Guys like that wouldn’t even marry a young WIDOW. And guys like that can make lousy husbands.

“Therefore, I always advise virgin N[ice]C[atholic]G[irl]s not to talk about their virginity . Don’t discuss it. Don’t brag about it. It’s nobody’s business except her fiance’s, and that only so they can talk about how to commence their married life without trauma. If virgins boast around, virgin-hunters of all levels of neurosis (or evil) might come out of the woodwork.”

seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/04/auntie-seraphic-formerly-naughty.html

DCM’s abusive first husband was a virgin hunter.

"My first husband (to new readers: I’m not a widow; I had a a Church annulment) was obsessed with the fact that I was a virgin. You have no idea how much I wish this were a topic that had never come up. I can’t remember how it did, although in Catholic circles at the time we were encouraged to be out and proud virgins, especially to non-Catholics. Although I suppose back then it gave comfort to other women to know we weren’t “the only ones,” what this did was alert every virgin-hunter within earshot.

“There are at least two kinds of virgin-hunters. The worst kind is the one who enjoys destroying innocence and thinks he is doing something clever by “being the first.” Canada’s most notorious sex killer was like that. The other kind is the man who is obsessed with marrying “a virgin”. In my eyes, such a fellow is somewhat akin to the woman who wants to marry “a millionaire.” Both are valuing a human being for some thing they possess, not for themselves alone.”

seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2011/04/white-dress-thing.html

So, be discreet.

WJeffrey, you’re a guy–you have no idea what a terrible, terrible idea it is for a naive young woman to go around announcing her virginity.

 

[Sarcelle]

You really don’t have a clue about men. There will always be men who want women for the wrong reasons just like there are an equal number of women who want men for the same wrong reasons.

However, the quality guys with a good moral upbringing and prospects in life that go far beyond High School do not want an easy conquest. They want to meet and have relationships with the type of woman that I discussed. They want to meet a woman with substance.

I feel bad that your life experience dating was different. Perhaps if you lived my advice you would be less jaded. The women that I went to High School with who lived my advice were all popular, respected and ended up going to good schools. They ended up with good careers and most today are happily married with families.

Their social calendars were full because people gravitate toward positive people and are turned of by negativity and a lack of morality. They had as many friends as they had time for.

It works the same way with both men and women.

Both men and women are attracted to poised leaders with good character and a sense humor. It doesn’t matter whether it is for friendship or dating.

People in High School know what everyone else is doing. The most popular subject taught in High School is gossip. (Unless things have dramatically changed during the past 25 years.) The OP may feel self conscious about her positive life choices. The quality people at her school know about her choices, and respect her all the more.

A friendly smile, eye contact, and asking questions designed to make people talk about their favorite subject, themselves, makes people approachable. If the OP wants to meet people with prospects in life, it is the best way to do it. This approach beats the immoral approach every single time.

By the way, Xantippe is a married woman. She may know something about men. By the way, how were you able to judge from her single post on her knowledge of men or her dating experience? She never mentioned that in the post you were responding to. Talk about wholesale conjecture on a few pieces of non-evidence.

I also do not understand what your response has to do with Xantippe’s post. Are you agreeing or disagreeing with the prudence of a young woman not announcing her state of virginity to anyone or are you just lecturing on how important it is to have a nice personality? You did not agree nor did you refute her assertion that announcing the state of one’s virginity to virtual strangers as being imprudent. On the importance of having a nice personality with good morals, Xantippe never mentioned anything to the contrary.

Personally, I agree with Xantippe. Since there are some men out there who have a fetish for virginity, it is imprudent to announce something so personal as the lack of sexual experience to anyone, since you may not know who is listening.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I feel bad that your life experience dating was different. Perhaps if you lived my advice you would be less jaded. The women that I went to High School with who lived my advice were all popular, respected and ended up going to good schools. They ended up with good careers and most today are happily married with families.

.

Your advice might work in an ideal world, but it does NOT work in the real world. The vast majority of people do NOT want to be around moral people. They want to be around immoral people so that they don’t have to look at their conscious. To be honest, when I was in high school (in the 80’s), men did not care about my virginity because frankly, I think they were just to embarrassed to talk about these things. But women sure resented me. They were feeling pressure to have sex and I now suspect they were jealous that I had no problem saying ‘no’. I think it would have just been better to concentrate on other activities and leave the whole sex talk out of it.

I have learnt the hard way that in life, doing what is right can have very bad consequences. For example, I though that if I worked hard I would get promoted. When I had my first job, all the other workers hated that as the new girl I made them look bad (figuring things out my first week on the job they never clued into after being there for years).

Going to church every week makes every hate me for being a goody-goody

I think the OP is just learning a very true life’s lesson. Doing the right thing always has consequences and we need to learn to live with it

Not to mention, when a guy asks the OP out, perhaps he just wants to go to a movie and has no desire to talk about sex. Why bring up the topic out of the blue?

 

[WJeffrey]

In 44 years of having male friends including 7 Varsity sports letters with locker rooms in High School and 3 years of life in a Fraternity in College, I have never once heard a single conversation about a man perusing a virgin to deflower her.

I have never met a man who discussed such a thing or bragged about doing it.

My life experience has been that people have always respected a woman with morals.

I think I am uniquely qualified to speak to the motives of men, because I am a man. Frankly your posts are insulting and as untrue as if I were to tell you that a woman’s place is in the kitchen.

No one is suggesting that anyone should go around telling their sexual history to every person in school.

Advising a young woman to have fear, distrust and hostility towards guys is doing her a disservice. How is she ever going to have a normal life and marriage if she views men in that way?

Contrary to your beliefs, very few men are sexual predators. They are probably proportionate to the number of women who act the same way.

Your posts are both sexist and wrong.

 

[Sarcelle]

In 44 years of having male friends including 7 Varsity sports letters with locker rooms in High School and 3 years of life in a Fraternity in College, I have never once heard a single conversation about a man perusing a virgin to deflower her.

I have never met a man who discussed such a thing or bragged about doing it.

My life experience has been that people have always respected a woman with morals.

I think I am uniquely qualified to speak to the motives of men, because I am a man. Frankly your posts are insulting and as untrue as if I were to tell you that a woman’s place is in the kitchen.

No one is suggesting that anyone should go around telling their sexual history to every person in school.

Advising a young woman to have fear, distrust and hostility towards guys is doing her a disservice. How is she ever going to have a normal life and marriage if she views men in that way?

Contrary to your beliefs, very few men are sexual predators. They are probably proportionate to the number of women who act the same way.

Your posts are both sexist and wrong.

Wrong? In what way?

This is not about being hostile but about being prudent. No one here is suggesting that all men are predators. Banks keep their valuables in a vault not to suggest that all people are thieves but some are and precautions are needed. Same thing goes for women, young or old. Same thing goes for men. Not all members of the opposite sex are predators but it is good to take precautions. Nothing wrong or sexist about that.

By the way, where in this thread did anyone suggest that all men were predators? You seem to be reading something that is not there.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m about to be everyone’s least favorite person, but here’s my take:

The concern about being pursued long term by some sort of “virgin hunter” who never takes no for an answer is probably overblown.

But, I will tell you that in college, I had a friend who was a virgin (religious reasons) and anytime we were in a mixed-company social situation and one of her idiot friends would point to her and yell “she’s a virgin”, many of the guys would instantly turn to her and become relentlessly sleazy. That’s pretty common behavior with young, loud, college aged kids. Is it dangerous? Probably not. Is it disrespectful and annoying? Yes.

 

[Sarcelle]

I’m about to be everyone’s least favorite person, but here’s my take:

The concern about being pursued long term by some sort of “virgin hunter” who never takes no for an answer is probably overblown.

But, I will tell you that in college, I had a friend who was a virgin (religious reasons) and anytime we were in a mixed-company social situation and one of her idiot friends would point to her and yell “she’s a virgin”, many of the guys would instantly turn to her and become relentlessly sleazy. That’s pretty common behavior with young, loud, college aged kids. Is it dangerous? Probably not. Is it disrespectful and annoying? Yes.

I have also seen college guys cat call or verbally harass women exiting from the TLM service. The more conservatively dressed, the more the harassment. Wearing a mantilla seems to set these men off in a frenzy of cat calls. This was in Chicago.

The idea that being modestly dressed protected you from harassment did not seem to work in this case.

 

[on_the_hill]

Advising a young woman to have fear, distrust and hostility towards guys is doing her a disservice. How is she ever going to have a normal life and marriage if she views men in that way?

Contrary to your beliefs, very few men are sexual predators. They are probably proportionate to the number of women who act the same way.

Your posts are both sexist and wrong.

What about this?

You might also discover that boys are more interested because you do say no. (Guys are competitive by nature. Nothing cause a guy to notice a woman more than the realization that she may be unattainable. Suddenly, that girl turns into someone special.)