Today's Gen Y society of 'dating'

[Anglewannabe]

I think I am uniquely qualified to speak to the motives of men, because I am a man. Frankly your posts are insulting and as untrue as if I were to tell you that a woman’s place is in the kitchen.

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Your are more qualified to speak of the motives of men, agreed. However, as women who are on the receiving end of certain behaviours (regardless of the guys motives), we are more qualified to know what is annoying and what behaviours women do that ended up attracting annoying behavior

Not to mention, you saw how these men acted in the locker room. You probably didn’t notice how they acted around women

 

[Xantippe]

I’m about to be everyone’s least favorite person, but here’s my take:

The concern about being pursued long term by some sort of “virgin hunter” who never takes no for an answer is probably overblown.

But, I will tell you that in college, I had a friend who was a virgin (religious reasons) and anytime we were in a mixed-company social situation and one of her idiot friends would point to her and yell “she’s a virgin”, many of the guys would instantly turn to her and become relentlessly sleazy. That’s pretty common behavior with young, loud, college aged kids. Is it dangerous? Probably not. Is it disrespectful and annoying? Yes.

Yeah. Why sign up for that?

I had a platonic male college friend who was a little too open about his activities. He was an upperclassman, but liked to live in the dorms because he got to see more of freshman girls that way. He was particularly fond of virgins but complained that it was soooo much work. (Duh!)

I can’t find the state, but as I recall, around 50% of Americans are virgins when they start college. Teenage virgins are not exactly unicorns. Also, interestingly, the numbers are especially high at godless Harvard.

“The survey also questioned students about their sex lives, finding that 72 percent enroll at Harvard as virgins and 27 percent graduate without having sex. Of those who do have sex at Harvard, most have just one partner during their four years, but 7 percent of students have 10 or more sexual partners in college.”

thecrimson.com/article/2013/5/28/senior-survey-2013/?page=3

 

[WJeffrey]

What about this?

If you interpret the term “someone special” as being predatory or sexist you need psychological help.

“Someone special” means exactly what I said…“Someone special.” Every guy wants to go out with the head cheerleader and every girl wants to go out with the Captain of the Football team. Why? Because they are someone special and generally unattainable.

If the OP follows the advice I gave, she will grow up into a poised leader who gets along with everyone. She will be viewed by both girls and boys as someone they want to be a part of their lives. She becomes viewed as being unattainable just like the Captain of the Football team.

How do I know this? Because this is the advice I followed in High School. I am naturally an average looking shy introvert who was pretty good at sports. I ended up being a Class VP and voted most talkative and most likely to be President of the US. Getting a date was never a problem, and I graduated from High School as a virgin, and I don’t think I ever dated anyone who wasn’t a virgin. Based on my looks, I should have had a lot of lonely Friday nights. I was certainly not rich or the Captain of the Football team.

Do you think that a good Catholic girl should wear a ruck sack and sit at home on Friday night so that she can remain pure?

I think the OP is disciplined enough to say no if she wants to have a chaste life prior to marriage. Obviously, you feel that she can’t control her hormones. Personally, I think the OP has the self control to remain a virgin until marriage

 

[Xantippe]

Wrong? In what way?

This is not about being hostile but about being prudent. No one here is suggesting that all men are predators. Banks keep their valuables in a vault not to suggest that all people are thieves but some are and precautions are needed. Same thing goes for women, young or old. Same thing goes for men. Not all members of the opposite sex are predators but it is good to take precautions. Nothing wrong or sexist about that.

By the way, where in this thread did anyone suggest that all men were predators? You seem to be reading something that is not there.

Right. Only 1 man in 100 needs to be a predator for there to be a need to be vigilant.

I think the analogy about wealth and virginity that we’ve been using is a very fruitful one. Consider, for example, what a bad idea it would be to announce early in a new acquaintance that you make a huge income and that you have millions in savings. It could easily warp the relationship, cause decent persons of the opposite sex to be intimidated or to think you indiscreet and braggy, and could also disproportionately attract bad people. If you have a traditionally high income profession or are known to be the heir to a throne, it might be very difficult to find people to love you for yourself. If it’s at all possible, it’s better to let that stuff come as a wonderful surprise once you’re serious.

Another issue is that 90% of the time, the people on the internet that are insistent on a virgin bride act entitled about it and have really gross ideas about sexuality. Get a little more worldly experience before exposing yourself to that–and frankly, if I were you I wouldn’t bother.

Discretion can save you a lot of pain. It’s also highly praised in the Bible.

Proverbs 11:22 says “Like a gold ring in a swine’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.”

 

[WJeffrey]

Again, I have never heard anyone discussing virgin hunting. (If that is even a real thing.) Personally, I would classify that as predatory behavior.

If it is something that does happen outside of the rare sexual deviant person, I have never heard it discussed. I don’t think I am that oblivious.

Boys do not sit around and plot the downfall of young virgins. We are more interested in discussing sports, finding out where the party is this weekend and other inane things just like young girls do.

As a man, I am offended to be associated with predatory inclinations like plotting the downfall of innocent girls. It is a bigoted insinuation.

It also is disturbing that you feel the original poster is defenseless against the whiles of predatory boys when they are not discussing professional wrestling or the fact that Mr. Jones always gives too much math homework over the weekend. You are giving her advice that is extremely condescending. If the OP wants to live a chaste life prior to marriage, there is no reason why she can’t.

Telling a High School girl that it is impossible to live chastely and still be a vibrant part of the schools social network is horrible advice. Ruck Sacks went out of style 2500 years ago.

 

[Xantippe]

If you interpret the term “someone special” as being predatory or sexist you need psychological help.

“Someone special” means exactly what I said…“Someone special.” Every guy wants to go out with the head cheerleader and every girl wants to go out with the Captain of the Football team. Why? Because they are someone special and generally unattainable.

If the OP follows the advice I gave, she will grow up into a poised leader who gets along with everyone. She will be viewed by both girls and boys as someone they want to be a part of their lives. She becomes viewed as being unattainable just like the Captain of the Football team.

How do I know this? Because this is the advice I followed in High School. I am naturally an average looking shy introvert who was pretty good at sports. I ended up being a Class VP and voted most talkative and most likely to be President of the US. Getting a date was never a problem, and I graduated from High School as a virgin, and I don’t think I ever dated anyone who wasn’t a virgin. Based on my looks, I should have had a lot of lonely Friday nights. I was certainly not rich or the Captain of the Football team.

Do you think that a good Catholic girl should wear a ruck sack and sit at home on Friday night so that she can remain pure?

I think the OP is disciplined enough to say no if she wants to have a chaste life prior to marriage. Obviously, you feel that she can’t control her hormones. Personally, I think the OP has the self control to remain a virgin until marriage

I don’t think you understand what we have been talking about. Nobody has been telling young women to be hermits, but I have been pointing out that it’s important to be discreet about personal information.

Also, “I’m a practicing Catholic” is a perfectly good thing to say to casual acquaintances. One doesn’t need to go into excruciating detail about the exact condition of one’s genitals: new in box, unwrapped but never used, gently used, etc. TMI!

 

[Xantippe]

It also is disturbing that you feel the original poster is defenseless against the whiles of predatory boys when they are not discussing professional wrestling or the fact that Mr. Jones always gives too much math homework over the weekend. You are giving her advice that is extremely condescending. If the OP wants to live a chaste life prior to marriage, there is no reason why she can’t.

Telling a High School girl that it is impossible to live chastely and still be a vibrant part of the schools social network is horrible advice. Ruck Sacks went out of style 2500 years ago.

A lot of people have trouble with chastity. There are some ways to make it easier. One of them is not making it a big deal and not spending too much time thinking or talking about the sex one isn’t having.

The other female posters on the thread and I have been naive young women making our way in the world, and you never have. Trust me, we know what we’re talking about.

Also, in the future, it won’t just be boys. There will be college guys and adult men (including much older men), and the OP needs to be up to speed on dealing appropriately with them, too.

 

[Trident_H]

Again, I have never heard anyone discussing virgin hunting. (If that is even a real thing.) Personally, I would classify that as predatory behavior.

If it is something that does happen outside of the rare sexual deviant person, I have never heard it discussed. I don’t think I am that oblivious.

Boys do not sit around and plot the downfall of young virgins. We are more interested in discussing sports, finding out where the party is this weekend and other inane things just like young girls do.

As a man, I am offended to be associated with predatory inclinations like plotting the downfall of innocent girls. It is a bigoted insinuation.

It also is disturbing that you feel the original poster is defenseless against the whiles of predatory boys when they are not discussing professional wrestling or the fact that Mr. Jones always gives too much math homework over the weekend. You are giving her advice that is extremely condescending. If the OP wants to live a chaste life prior to marriage, there is no reason why she can’t.

Telling a High School girl that it is impossible to live chastely and still be a vibrant part of the schools social network is horrible advice. Ruck Sacks went out of style 2500 years ago.

I think this comes from movies a lot. You know the kind. Starting with Grease on down. The innocent nice girl has to get corrupted by the guy who’s already been to town and back. It’s a thing. It’s like an open challenge. It gets put on the score card.

Does it come up in the day-to-day between guys? Not likely. Does it get thought about? Yeah.

Just look at the fascination with Britney Spears when she said she was still a virgin. She was getting million-dollar offers to “help” her with that. It was like watching sharks circling. It appeals to that sense of challenge that guys have. That competitive streak that gets lit up when a girl says she’s not letting any guy get a hold of her goods. The thought that gets green-lighted for some guys is, “but I’m not just any guy. I bet I could tap that.” “I make them good girls go bad.”

That’s the definition of a player. I’m glad you don’t think they exist. That means you’re an upfront kind of guy with good principles. A good head and a clear conscience.

Me? I’m not quite that lucky.

 

[Sarcelle]

Again, I have never heard anyone discussing virgin hunting. (If that is even a real thing.) Personally, I would classify that as predatory behavior.

If it is something that does happen outside of the rare sexual deviant person, I have never heard it discussed. I don’t think I am that oblivious.

Boys do not sit around and plot the downfall of young virgins. We are more interested in discussing sports, finding out where the party is this weekend and other inane things just like young girls do.

As a man, I am offended to be associated with predatory inclinations like plotting the downfall of innocent girls. It is a bigoted insinuation.

It also is disturbing that you feel the original poster is defenseless against the whiles of predatory boys when they are not discussing professional wrestling or the fact that Mr. Jones always gives too much math homework over the weekend. You are giving her advice that is extremely condescending. If the OP wants to live a chaste life prior to marriage, there is no reason why she can’t.

Telling a High School girl that it is impossible to live chastely and still be a vibrant part of the schools social network is horrible advice. Ruck Sacks went out of style 2500 years ago.

Why do you keep on falsely attributing views that no one here has ever mentioned?

Again where did anyone say that all men are predators and that the OP should be a hermit? Where did anyone say that men are busy plotting the downfall of young virgins?

 

[WJeffrey]

I guess I must live a sheltered life.

 

[Xantippe]

Just look at the fascination with Britney Spears when she said she was still a virgin. She was getting million-dollar offers to “help” her with that. It was like watching sharks circling. It appeals to that sense of challenge that guys have. That competitive streak that gets lit up when a girl says she’s not letting any guy get a hold of her goods. The thought that gets green-lighted for some guys is, “but I’m not just any guy. I bet I could tap that.” “I make them good girls go bad.”

Right. I always get a sinking feeling whenever a young star (of whichever sex) announces their virginity. It’s like painting a big target on your back.

 

[Bill_Martin]

I have also seen college guys cat call or verbally harass women exiting from the TLM service. The more conservatively dressed, the more the harassment. Wearing a mantilla seems to set these men off in a frenzy of cat calls. This was in Chicago.

The idea that being modestly dressed protected you from harassment did not seem to work in this case.

Yup. The rape and sexual harassment statistics in Egypt, where most women dress far more modestly than in the US, are horrifying.

 

[Xantippe]

There is nothing wrong with telling people that you are saving yourself for marriage and leave it at that. If a person does not want to be your friend because that is the way you want to live your life, that person was never a true friend.

Pretty soon you might discover that girls inwardly respect your choices and want to be around you because they wished they were as brave as you. You might also discover that boys are more interested because you do say no. (Guys are competitive by nature. Nothing cause a guy to notice a woman more than the realization that she may be unattainable. Suddenly, that girl turns into someone special.)

Onthehill pointed this passage out, but didn’t elaborate on what issue he had with it, so I’ll take a go at it.

WJeffrey, the situation that you see as a positive for the young woman (her suddenly being pursued by guys who weren’t previously interested) is exactly what I was talking about earlier. It’s just that you see it as a positive, and I’m pointing out that it has a potentially negative dimension. And that negative dimension is that these young men don’t actually like this young woman for herself, just for her virginity and unattainability. If they liked her for herself, they’d like her and pursue her even if she wasn’t announcing that she was a virgin.

So, basically, we’re setting her up to be pursued by men who don’t like her or understand her, but just just like the chase itself.

What could possibly go wrong?

 

[on_the_hill]

you need psychological help.

A lot of people would agree with you. Including me.

“Someone special” means exactly what I said…“Someone special.” Every guy wants to go out with the head cheerleader and every girl wants to go out with the Captain of the Football team. Why? Because they are someone special and generally unattainable.

What quality does a virgin have that is unattainable? Perhaps…virginity?

OF COURSE not every guy who wants to date a known and admitted virgin is in it for the challenge.

How do I know this? Because this is the advice I followed in High School. I am naturally an average looking shy introvert who was pretty good at sports. I ended up being a Class VP and voted most talkative and most likely to be President of the US. Getting a date was never a problem, and I graduated from High School as a virgin, and I don’t think I ever dated anyone who wasn’t a virgin. Based on my looks, I should have had a lot of lonely Friday nights. I was certainly not rich or the Captain of the Football team.

I certainly do not mean to disparage virginity, having once been one myself, but I highly doubt that your virginity was the sole reason you achieved what you had achieved. By your own admission, you’re not bad looking, you’re good at sports, you’re talkative, charismatic, etc. Did virginity endow you with these qualities?

Do you think that a good Catholic girl should wear a ruck sack and sit at home on Friday night so that she can remain pure?

Is this a trick question? Of course I do. Yes. Without a doubt.

 

[PaulinVA]

I guess I must live a sheltered life.

And, yet, your humble-bragging posts indicate that you’ve been in the middle of life since high school. Hmmm.

I sense a lot of cognitive dissonance in your posts.

 

[Vim71]

Every guy wants to go out with the head cheerleader

Every guy? I never wanted too, I could have cared less about Cheerleaders when I was in Highschool, and that wasn’t too long ago.

I think for the sake of communication, you should cut down on the number of generalizations you are making.

 

[Leo714]

That’s what I was like in HS. Even my own friends were asking me “whats wrong with you” or “why are you so weird?” ( obviously not my friends anymore) It hurt and I did feel “anti-social” at times, but I knew that having God in my heart was so much more rewarding than having “experience”. It’s a funny thing, I’m now in my twenties and people seem to respect that kind of stuff. It’s like completely flipped. “Oh you don’t do drugs or sleep around? Wow” Some outright don’t talk to me, and some become close friends. Moral of the story is, know who you are and don’t try to be anyone you aren’t.

 

[NM505StKate]

Being a Catholic, growing up a teenager in a 21st century society is a heavy cross that comes with ridicule, abuse and non-conformity. Growing up even in a Catholic school, people seem almost shocked when I tell them “No I haven’t had sex, no I want to wait until marriage, no I don’t sexually please myself.” So when it comes time for dating, it seems almost impossible to find people my age with the same views in my area. I know there are people out there but I can’t seem to find them. Not necessarily to date as of yet but to just be friends with. Even in my parish the demography is either children or adults/grandparents. So I’m a bit perplexed as to where to go. Anyone have any suggestions? Take in mind Australia doesn’t have much functions for Catholic teenagers.

Wait you cannot be serious about never masturbating. It sounds like you are between 18 to 24. I’m just stunned about this.

 

[sherimarie]

I hope the OP keeps up the good work! Go to confession often it is our best defense against falling into serious sin.

I think you might benefit by joining a club for a specific talent you have, you might meet someone nice there, do you like to Kayak? . Ride horses? etc. How about a pro-life group? You may get as much out of that as you give.

A group dedicated to a certain interest is great for forming a lasting relationship, you are focused on things other than yourself and that takes the pressure off everyone. Also you have that shared interest so it is easy to have conversation that doesn’t revolve around girlfriend/boyfriend stuff.

 

[Xantippe]

I hope the OP keeps up the good work! Go to confession often it is our best defense against falling into serious sin.

I think you might benefit by joining a club for a specific talent you have, you might meet someone nice there, do you like to Kayak? . Ride horses? etc. How about a pro-life group? You may get as much out of that as you give.

A group dedicated to a certain interest is great for forming a lasting relationship, you are focused on things other than yourself and that takes the pressure off everyone. Also you have that shared interest so it is easy to have conversation that doesn’t revolve around girlfriend/boyfriend stuff.

Yes.