Toddlerhood is just awful

  • Thread starter Thread starter jmjZelie
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

jmjZelie

Guest
Toddlerhood has always been the hardest stage for me as a mother. I even remember it being incredibly rough when my much younger siblings were going through it (although my half-brother had some neurological problems that exacerbated it). Now, I have a child who, from the moment she hit her first birthday, she has tested me and pushed me to the absolute limits of my patience. And in the past couple of weeks (she is currently 2.5 now) she has become even more poorly behaved. She has also been on a sleeping and eating strike. She is trying not to eat anything of which she does not approve and will subsist on nibbles over the course of a day. And she is refusing to cooperate at nap time or bedtime. And so the whole family has to endure her screaming and crying. We are all at our wits end.

Please, explain toddlerhood to me so that I can be more accepting of this difficult stage. Why do some toddlers become like little tyrants, while others remain docile and quieter? How can I learn to endure this rough toddlerhood when sleep deprivation and screeching torture are a daily reality? I love my child, but good grief, this is rough. My third child was more difficult than my first two, but my fourth child really takes the cake for rough toddlerhood. My third child is now a kindergartener and is just so sweet and quiet, so I know if I can just hang on for a few years, this will pass. But how to cope right now is the problem.

Any inspiration or advice?
 
Awww, jmjZelie, big hug!

As for the eating aspect, I’ve had most luck with trying to adopt an almost nonchalant attitude about eating: “Don’t want to eat your chicken? Okay. No problem.” or “Oh? Don’t feel like bananas today? Okay, no sweat.” But then don’t give them anything to nibble between set snack and meal times! And no juice, which is really filling. I promise, promise the kid won’t starve. She might only eat bread at dinner or grapes at lunch but if you keep offering good foods and restricting crackers and sweets and juice, she’ll eventually start to eat more. If you think it might be more of a disorder and less of a phase (like some kids get grossed out by certain textures or refuse to eat anything that isn’t pureed) then you can have her evaluated and early intervention has food clinics to help with that.

What does your bedtime and naptime routine look like? Is she going to bed early enough? I ask because I had trouble getting my oldest to sleep and so I kept keeping him up later and later thinking he’d be more tired and sleep better. He finally did start sleeping better - when I moved bedtime UP by an hour! And we have a really long bedtime routine with lots of reading stories before bed. At 2.5 your daughter might also be ready to give up the nap, and eliminating it entirely might make your days calmer and your nights easier. You could try it for a week and she if it helps?
 
Yes I think she is just about ready to give up nap. I have tried to allow her to stay up, but she breaks down by 6 in the evening into a crying mess. I did that for a week after she turned 2, when the sleep problems first started. And my husband and I agreed to give her back nap time. Then I tried it again a month ago, and the same thing happened. So my husband insisted on nap time this time around. We were planning on trying again in a few months to let her go without naps. The trouble is, she wakes up by 6am like clockwork, and so she gets exhausted way before dinner time. Any thoughts about how I could adjust her schedule, knowing that she will get up at 6, no matter what?

All my kids drop naps between their second and third birthdays.

Edited to add: bedtime routine for her is dinner at 6-6:30, bath time, pajamas, prayers and book and hug and kiss by 7:30.

Oh, and we don’t do juice or sweets. We allow crackers sometimes, but not daily.
 
jmjZelie said:
Toddlerhood has always been the hardest stage for me as a mother. I even remember it being incredibly rough when my much younger siblings were going through it (although my half-brother had some neurological problems that exacerbated it). Now, I have a child who, from the moment she hit her first birthday, she has tested me and pushed me to the absolute limits of my patience. And in the past couple of weeks (she is currently 2.5 now) she has become even more poorly behaved. She has also been on a sleeping and eating strike. She is trying not to eat anything of which she does not approve and will subsist on nibbles over the course of a day. And she is refusing to cooperate at nap time or bedtime. And so the whole family has to endure her screaming and crying. We are all at our wits end.

Please, explain toddlerhood to me so that I can be more accepting of this difficult stage. Why do some toddlers become like little tyrants, while others remain docile and quieter? How can I learn to endure this rough toddlerhood when sleep deprivation and screeching torture are a daily reality? I love my child, but good grief, this is rough. My third child was more difficult than my first two, but my fourth child really takes the cake for rough toddlerhood. My third child is now a kindergartener and is just so sweet and quiet, so I know if I can just hang on for a few years, this will pass. But how to cope right now is the problem.

Any inspiration or advice?
Click to expand...
My third has (2 years 11 months) also been a totally different child as a toddler than her older siblings. Not that they were easy, but for the past 6 or so months, she’s been ridiculously independent (her mealtimes lately involve a lot of her pushing a step stool around the kitchen, foraging for dishes, flatware, and food). She freed herself from the feeding seat and is negative about anything involving straps (like the stroller and the car seat). I’ve gone from being able to grab her from her nap and quickly zip off to school pick up to dealing with a long diaper and clothes choosing process and dressing ritual. If I try to hurry her along and put on the wrong item, it comes right off.

On the other hand, as she gets closer to three, she’s very verbal and increasingly able to understand deals and make reasonable decisions. (For instance, a couple days ago, I explained to her that she could either walk at the strip mall or ride in the stroller, but that if she rode in the stroller, we’d be able to go to Petco, but if she walked, we’d just go to Carger’s. She opted for the stroller and we did both my stops and her stop.) She also walks very well hand-in-hand with us and strips off her diaper as soon as it’s wet and frequently changes herself. I think by 4, she’s going to be potty-trained, able to dress herself very well (she’s well on her way), and an all-round good citizen.

Here are some ideas:
  1. Use this formula a lot: “First we’re going to [thing you want her to do], then we’re going to [thing you know she wants to do].” For example, “First we’re going to eat breakfast and then we’re going to watch Dora.”
  2. I think parents’ day out and preschool are great. My youngest has gone to PDO one day a week since almost 2 (shockingly early for our family) and has just started two days a week.
  3. A nap doesn’t have to involve sleeping. It could just be some down time in her room.
  4. The nibbling is probably fine.
  5. Offer choices, even between things that are virtually identical.
  6. I use “count of 3” a lot when our youngest is lingering too long over her diaper or clothing selection. “At the count of three, you need to choose a shirt, or mommy’s going to choose your shirt. Oooone-twooooo-threeee!” I do the same with getting into the carseat. “Get into the car seat on the count of three, or mommy’s going to put you in the carseat!” Because my toddler is so independent, the worst thing EVER is to have a shirt chosen for her or to be put into the carseat by me, so that usually speeds her up.
Here are some books about toddlers that I read and reread religiously:

Vicki Iovine’s Girlfriends Guide to Toddlers
Penelope Leach’s Your Baby and Child
The Honest Toddler (it’s a humor book, a parenting book purportedly written by a toddler, but I’ve gotten a lot of insights out of it)
 
I like some of these ideas very much. I have used some of them with previous children successfully, but I had forgotten about them, probably because I have become so sleep-deprived and stressed out.

I will try giving her more choices and let her feel more in control of her body and her day and see if being proactive will help avoid her tantrums and misbehavior.

Thank you!
 
jmjZelie said:
I like some of these ideas very much. I have used some of them with previous children successfully, but I had forgotten about them, probably because I have become so sleep-deprived and stressed out.

I will try giving her more choices and let her feel more in control of her body and her day and see if being proactive will help avoid her tantrums and misbehavior.

Thank you!
Click to expand...
Good luck!

Bonus toddler story:

Our toddler has recently decided that the spare jammies in her room need to be used to dress stuffed animals before she gets into her pjs for bed. So, I sometimes find myself dressing up to three different stuffed animals before I get to dress her. This past week, she decided that they also need cotton panties…

It all takes a long time, but this all counts as quality time.

I also offer a choice of the following at bedtime (after diaper and pjs are on, naturally):

two books

or

two puzzles

or

one book and one puzzle.
 
Little ones often don’t like to sit at the dinner table to eat with everyone else,
They kind of Graze during the day,nibble at food & drink,
My Eldest was the messiest eater known to mankind,we had a painters dropsheet under his high chair , also he flicked food up to the ceiling,such a mess ,
But they grow out of all that,he also would bath in the dogs water container,

You can get all kinds of gadgets to lock doors & Draws,enjoy your child,
A true gift from God
 
We just decided to take out the dining table today because of all the drama and injuries associated with it. For some reason, our children cannot handle it. They end up cartwheeling off of it and banging their heads on something hard. That is despite close supervision. And oh the mess! We don’t know how we are going to handle mealtime anymore but that particular dining table had to go.
 
wait until they are teenagers!! at least toddlers can’t drive!!!
 
Okay so this just happened.
My toddler got up and said she was hungry. I told her that as soon as we did her potty chair visit she could have a snack. She said okay. So far so good.

Potty chair visit lasted a few minutes but nothing happened. So I helped her get into a fresh pant and told her she could have her snack.

She came out and started demanding raisins very loudly and angrily. I told her no but then I asked her if she might like a string cheese? (She already had raisins today and I cannot give more than one tiny box a day or she will have a mess…) So, she immediately starts screaming for raisins. Now she is tantruming again and won’t choose from anything I offer.

What now?
 
jmjZelie said:
Okay so this just happened.
My toddler got up and said she was hungry. I told her that as soon as we did her potty chair visit she could have a snack. She said okay. So far so good.

Potty chair visit lasted a few minutes but nothing happened. So I helped her get into a fresh pant and told her she could have her snack.

She came out and started demanding raisins very loudly and angrily. I told her no but then I asked her if she might like a string cheese? (She already had raisins today and I cannot give more than one tiny box a day or she will have a mess…) So, she immediately starts screaming for raisins. Now she is tantruming again and won’t choose from anything I offer.

What now?
Click to expand...
Sometimes you just got to say NO,they must learn the meaning of No…
Because if they don’t, your the one who is suffering,
It’s not my place to tell you how best to implement the meaning of no,
It’s all part of growing up,and we as Adults are growing up as well,
We learn patients, tolerance , empathy , discipline , and we learn more about ourselves,
 
she is really pushing you to get her way. a firm no - case closed.
offer her something else.
 
phil_at_dayboro said:
Sometimes you just got to say NO,they must learn the meaning of No…
Because if they don’t, your the one who is suffering,
It’s not my place to tell you how best to implement the meaning of no,
It’s all part of growing up,and we as Adults are growing up as well,
We learn patients, tolerance , empathy , discipline , and we learn more about ourselves,
Click to expand...
I never give in to screaming, which is what makes this toddler’s behavior baffling. I don’t understand why she keeps screaming when no means no in our family.

Anyway, this time I just walked away and I waited five minutes and offered her the same choices again as if the last time never happened. This time, she sweetly accepted one of the choices and is now happily eating her snack.
 
Sometimes this toddler will scream to inflict pain on her family and then smile when she sees it hurts others. I use time out to punish that. It doesn’t seem to deter her the next time. She is still screeching to gleefully hurt our ears over a year after she started this behavior. Any other ways of addressing it? I have also explained each time that it hurts and is unkind and is going to cause her to get timeout alone in her room. She still does it quite often.
 
jmjZelie said:
Sometimes this toddler will scream to inflict pain on her family and then smile when she sees it hurts others. I use time out to punish that. It doesn’t seem to deter her the next time. She is still screeching to gleefully hurt our ears over a year after she started this behavior. Any other ways of addressing it? I have also explained each time that it hurts and is unkind and is going to cause her to get timeout alone in her room. She still does it quite often.
Click to expand...
My 4 year old used to do that. I would put him in his room and then get as far away as possible so it would bug me as little as possible. He has, recently, figured out that really, no, it won’t get him what he wants.

You may just have an exceptionally strong willed kid. They really will choose something for the heck of it because they can. I don’t permit my son to come out until he calms down. Sometimes that has meant he stays there for an hour. His younger brother at the same age? Three minutes tops.
 
jmjZelie said:
Sometimes this toddler will scream to inflict pain on her family and then smile when she sees it hurts others. I use time out to punish that. It doesn’t seem to deter her the next time. She is still screeching to gleefully hurt our ears over a year after she started this behavior. Any other ways of addressing it? I have also explained each time that it hurts and is unkind and is going to cause her to get timeout alone in her room. She still does it quite often.
Click to expand...
Lack of empathy seems to be pretty common at this age.
 
I have no advice to add, but will say that I know 3 Catholic women (including my sister) who admitted to me that they deliberately stopped have any more kids after the final one became Ivan the Terrible in a cute tiny package.

Interestingly, my niece (the final child) became a classic over-achiever (scholarship to a private academy, 3 sports, all AP classes, etc.). So perhaps you have some good things to look forward to. 🙂

Sorry, I know this doesn’t help now…
 
SMH_2015 said:
I have no advice to add, but will say that I know 3 Catholic women (including my sister) who admitted to me that they deliberately stopped have any more kids after the final one became Ivan the Terrible in a cute tiny package.

Interestingly, my niece (the final child) became a classic over-achiever (scholarship to a private academy, 3 sports, all AP classes, etc.). So perhaps you have some good things to look forward to. 🙂

Sorry, I know this doesn’t help now…
Click to expand...
Actually, that really does help! Thank you for sharing that story.

We chose to have one more before I came to the realization that we should not try to have more babies. And I am so glad we did try again so soon. I became pregnant about one month before things got so hard with my now toddler. I am certain that if this behavior had begun earlier, we would have been thinking that we should postpone any more pregnancies for a while. So I feel like God blessed us with perfect timing of a new baby, but now this is going to be a rough couple of years. The baby is almost one, and she is starting to cruise around. Soon, I will have two toddlers. So far though, the baby is quieter.
 
jmjZelie said:
Actually, that really does help! Thank you for sharing that story.

We chose to have one more before I came to the realization that we should not try to have more babies. And I am so glad we did try again so soon. I became pregnant about one month before things got so hard with my now toddler. I am certain that if this behavior had begun earlier, we would have been thinking that we should postpone any more pregnancies for a while. So I feel like God blessed us with perfect timing of a new baby, but now this is going to be a rough couple of years. The baby is almost one, and she is starting to cruise around. Soon, I will have two toddlers. So far though, the baby is quieter.
Click to expand...
I will say that although he still has his moments and will likely continue to, my son is an interesting and funny little kid, and has shown quite a lot of sweetness and protectiveness toward his little brother. He also gives other adults a lot less crud. He adores preschool and gets along very well with pretty much everyone. It would have shocked me if you would have told me he was capable of that when he was 2.5-3.5 or so.
 
We are there too.

My 3.5 year old is still a challenge to this day and it all began almost 2 years ago. She is getting a lot better though.

It’s tough because she is also our oldest and we have an equally demanding 2 year old and an infant.

My husband and I are totally spent. It’s resolved us from having any more children. I’m just barely coping right now.

I’m supposed to be studying for a class I must take this semester to graduate with my degree and I barely have the energy to even consider it.

My oldest is a screamer. It’s jarring and I’d rather she hit me then scream sometimes.
If something seems to get resolved then another thing pops up.
It’s just never ending.

I am not a fan of the toddler stage at all and we are drowning in it.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top