Toddlerhood is just awful

[Kelfa28]

I will say that although he still has his moments and will likely continue to, my son is an interesting and funny little kid, and has shown quite a lot of sweetness and protectiveness toward his little brother. He also gives other adults a lot less crud. He adores preschool and gets along very well with pretty much everyone. It would have shocked me if you would have told me he was capable of that when he was 2.5-3.5 or so.

My daughter is like that too.

It amazes me because I was convinced she wouldn’t be ready for Preschool and I was scared to send her.

She was still having accidents at home the day before school started and her behavior had hit an all time low the week before Preschool started.

Once it started she was fine. No accidents…not one and her behavior has been very good. The teacher did tell me she has problems following directions but I can see why…it’s just easier for me to do things for her then to expect her to do them on her own.

 

[Xantippe]

We are there too.

My 3.5 year old is still a challenge to this day and it all began almost 2 years ago. She is getting a lot better though.

It’s tough because she is also our oldest and we have an equally demanding 2 year old and an infant.

My husband and I are totally spent. It’s resolved us from having any more children. I’m just barely coping right now.

I’m supposed to be studying for a class I must take this semester to graduate with my degree and I barely have the energy to even consider it.

My oldest is a screamer. It’s jarring and I’d rather she hit me then scream sometimes.
If something seems to get resolved then another thing pops up.
It’s just never ending.

I am not a fan of the toddler stage at all and we are drowning in it.

I was starting to wig out again about a month ago (just before Baby Girl went from one to two days a week in parents’ day out). Previously, I’d been starting to wig out about a year ago, just before we started one-day-a-week PDO–the combination of toddler care, home responsibilities and two big kids’ school stuff was frying my wee little brain.

One thing that doesn’t get stressed about the toddler stage is how long it is. An infant is only an infant for a maximum of a year or so, but toddlerhood goes on for 2-3 years.

On the other hand, you do get little glimmers here and there of the glorious life on the other side. For instance, even now when our family does a pool outing, Baby Girl (age 2 years 11 months) is able to make a substantial contribution to packing for the pool. Likewise, when our oldest two were 8 and 6, we did a trip to Disneyland and it was EASY–no car seats, no strollers, no diapers, kids walked everywhere and stood in line all day long for several days and did just fine.

 

[Viki63]

Okay so this just happened.
. . . So, she immediately starts screaming for raisins. Now she is tantruming again and won’t choose from anything I offer.

What now?

Just a note re the tantrums: a tantrum or screaming fit was my cue to walk out of the room. No offering substitutes for what she’s demanding, no talking, just leave. You’d be surprised how fast a tantrum subsides when there’s no audience.

You only have to do it a couple of times usually.

.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Toddlerhood has always been the hardest stage for me as a mother. I even remember it being incredibly rough when my much younger siblings were going through it (although my half-brother had some neurological problems that exacerbated it). Now, I have a child who, from the moment she hit her first birthday, she has tested me and pushed me to the absolute limits of my patience. And in the past couple of weeks (she is currently 2.5 now) she has become even more poorly behaved. She has also been on a sleeping and eating strike. She is trying not to eat anything of which she does not approve and will subsist on nibbles over the course of a day. And she is refusing to cooperate at nap time or bedtime. And so the whole family has to endure her screaming and crying. We are all at our wits end.

Please, explain toddlerhood to me so that I can be more accepting of this difficult stage. Why do some toddlers become like little tyrants, while others remain docile and quieter? How can I learn to endure this rough toddlerhood when sleep deprivation and screeching torture are a daily reality? I love my child, but good grief, this is rough. My third child was more difficult than my first two, but my fourth child really takes the cake for rough toddlerhood. My third child is now a kindergartener and is just so sweet and quiet, so I know if I can just hang on for a few years, this will pass. But how to cope right now is the problem.

Any inspiration or advice?

I don’t know about advice. But I have 5 kids and your post mad me incredibly sad. My toddlers have always been a joy for me to wake up to every day.

Prayers for you and those like you who struggle with this issue.

 

[jmjZelie]

I don’t know about advice. But I have 5 kids and your post mad me incredibly sad. My toddlers have always been a joy for me to wake up to every day.

Prayers for you and those like you who struggle with this issue.

Were you trying to make me feel like a bad mother? You do realize, don’t you, that there are different temperaments of children, just like there are for grownups?

Furthermore, being up multiple times to nurse a baby every night for years can add to the weariness.

Thanks for coming here to give me that extra stomp.

 

[jmjZelie]

My 4 year old used to do that. I would put him in his room and then get as far away as possible so it would bug me as little as possible. He has, recently, figured out that really, no, it won’t get him what he wants.

You may just have an exceptionally strong willed kid. They really will choose something for the heck of it because they can. I don’t permit my son to come out until he calms down. Sometimes that has meant he stays there for an hour. His younger brother at the same age? Three minutes tops.

I think you are right about this. My husband’s family is all incredibly strong-willed. My FIL is a perfect example of that. He is very strongly attached to this particular toddler child of mine. They are like two peas in a pod. But even he gets weary of her loudness and demanding nature. He used to get upset at my authoritative parenting, especially with my oldest child, but now he remarks appreciatively about how I handle her. He said to me at his last visit “I don’t know how you do it!” Meaning parenting a large brood of strong-willed children, especially with respect to our cute tyrant. That really encouraged me because it means someone sees how hard it is and despite their astonishment they think I am doing a good job. And my older ones went through the same stage in toddlerhood, not quite so loud, but just as stubborn, and they outgrew it around the time that they were old enough to do academic work.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Were you trying to make me feel like a bad mother? You do realize, don’t you, that there are different temperaments of children, just like there are for grownups?

Furthermore, being up multiple times to nurse a baby every night for years can add to the weariness.

Thanks for coming here to give me that extra stomp.

That was not my intention. I was being honest.

I don’t think you are a “bad mother” I have no idea what kind of mom you are at all. What I know is what you posted. And my honest reaction was one of heartbreak. And a sincere resolve to pray for you today. Honestly. I know that you and many like you struggle. And I am sad about that. Our experience with children has been stressful at times, even chaotic, but never have I needed to brand a stage of childhood as something awful.

Our five kids bring us nothing but joy, even in the stress and struggle. That I am blessed in this regard I already know. And I wish to offer what I can to you sincerely. And all I can offer is prayer. Because no matter what I think of your parenting, attitude, or circumstance, nothing I can offer you will help except prayer. It is all I have, please accept it.

Again, this is really a heartbreaking thread.

 

[Xantippe]

That was not my intention. I was being honest.

I don’t think you are a “bad mother” I have no idea what kind of mom you are at all. What I know is what you posted. And my honest reaction was one of heartbreak. And a sincere resolve to pray for you today. Honestly. I know that you and many like you struggle. And I am sad about that. Our experience with children has been stressful at times, even chaotic, but never have I needed to brand a stage of childhood as something awful.

(

How do feel about colic?

 

[jmjZelie]

That was not my intention. I was being honest.

I don’t think you are a “bad mother” I have no idea what kind of mom you are at all. What I know is what you posted. And my honest reaction was one of heartbreak. And a sincere resolve to pray for you today. Honestly. I know that you and many like you struggle. And I am sad about that. Our experience with children has been stressful at times, even chaotic, but never have I needed to brand a stage of childhood as something awful.

Our five kids bring us nothing but joy, even in the stress and struggle. That I am blessed in this regard I already know. And I wish to offer what I can to you sincerely. And all I can offer is prayer. Because no matter what I think of your parenting, attitude, or circumstance, nothing I can offer you will help except prayer. It is all I have, please accept it.

Again, this is really a heartbreaking thread.

Would you kindly stop posting in this thread? Thank you.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Would you kindly stop posting in this thread? Thank you.

Um, that is not how the forums work…

I am sorry you are upset. I have given honest and true regards. The forums are just that, forums for the public. A forum is a place where ideas are exchanged. Even ones you do not like. The rules for CAF is that you express them in a charitable and kind manner. I believe that has been done here. If you wish to notify a moderator you may, I am confident in my posts and sincere in my well wishing and intent to pray for you and all those who are struggling with this issue. It is a serious and common one.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

How do feel about colic?

Colic? well, that is a whole new ball of wax. I had a Colicy baby. My second, who was failure to thrive and had to have a feeding tube. Long nights, never ending calming techniques. In her case, it was because of severe reflux too. Add to that, vomit five times a day and being “tied” to a feeding tube and machine and well, the “toddler” years there were indeed a challenge sometimes. Perhaps it was this crisis, this fight we had, that so focused us on just enjoying each stage and trusting in constant prayer.

And this is really the crux of parenting. We took our fears, our impatience, our frustration to God, to the Eucharist and to prayer. And in doing so, we found a brief time of silence, silence that scared us. But God, in His own time, answered the prayers, cured our little one and showed us the strength and patience we have now.

OP:

I’m not just some annoying poster who feels like jumping on you. I am a stay at home, homeschooling dad of five extremely well behaved but incomprehensively different children. I am not posting for debate sake, or to make you feel bad about your honest feelings, but rather as someone who has seen much in the way of toddlers and the challenges they bring to the table. And trying to tell you, (in my own poor way) that the joy is what we should focus on in our times of frustration and trouble. And the way we can do that is through prayer. Well, I guess I did have more to offer than just prayers. I hope, through reflection, you can find some helpfulness in my post.

 

[jmjZelie]

Um, that is not how the forums work…

I am sorry you are upset. I have given honest and true regards. The forums are just that, forums for the public. A forum is a place where ideas are exchanged. Even ones you do not like. The rules for CAF is that you express them in a charitable and kind manner. I believe that has been done here. If you wish to notify a moderator you may, I am confident in my posts and sincere in my well wishing and intent to pray for you and all those who are struggling with this issue. It is a serious and common one.

I knew you would not honor my request. I may have a short posting history, but I have been a long time reader at CAF.

Let me clearly explain this to you so that there can be no mistake.

It is not at all kind to repeatedly say that a thread makes you incredibly sad or that it is heartbreaking when a parent comes and asks for advice on enduring a difficult stage in parenting. You cannot just slap on an “I will pray for you” after making incredibly pointed statements implying judgment, and call that charity.

Your experience is just that, your experience. If your experience has not included toddlers who push their families to the edge, despite all the love and patience and diligence that the parents and siblings can muster, then that is wonderful for your family. But other families, faithful Catholic families, might have different but equally valid experiences.

My challenges with dealing with loud toddlers is not sad or heartbreaking. My decision to come to the forums and seek inspiration or advice on how to view the situation or how to endure the remaining months or years until she learns how to stop screeching is not sad or heartbreaking. My dislike of this stage of parenting, due to the close spacing of my children and the fact that they all have very strong wills and some have very loud voices and I am sensitive to loud noises is not sad or heartbreaking. You talk about joy. Well, the fact is that the greatest joys in this life usually come on the heels of the greatest struggles. So despite everything you have said about how incredibly sad this all is and how heartbreaking it is, you are simply wrong. I know, based on my own experience, that God gives me experiences that gets me to the point of “white-knuckling” it and begging for grace and then there is the breakthrough, and relief and joy are far greater than if He had never tested me in the first place.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, I knew you would not respect my request. I made the request anyway, because we both have five kids and we both homeschool, and I had hoped to find an ally in a fellow CAF poster, and your repeated assertions that my thread is incredibly sad and heartbreaking is not especially helpful.

 

[jmjZelie]

You are doing a great job! Your toddler’s behavior is not really baffling, it is normal, keep up the good work!

Think of human nature and our fallen nature. All of us struggle don’t we? When I go to confession I am often repeating the same sins over and over and over again. I can honestly tell you that some sins I have battled with for decades.

Example: I know losing my temper and yelling is wrong and sinful. I am a grown woman with years of life experience I KNOW this. Just like your toddler KNOWS that screaming is wrong and won’t get them what they want. Yet when I am emotional and the impulse strikes me there are times when I lose my temper anyway. Your toddler is no different and I would assume has a lot less impulse control that I would have You tell your child that screaming doesn’t work that “no means no” yet your toddler is a fallen human being and gives into the impulse to scream anyway. This does not mean you are not a good parent, this does not mean you are not getting the message through to your child that screaming is bad, what this really means is your child is a human being with a fallen nature.

I promise you I believe you are doing a good job! The goal here is to have your child experience consequences for every misbehavior, that is success. You are teaching your child basic Christian principals that there are consequences for bad behavior, this is huge. Don’t measure your success as a parent always by having a well behaved child because you are setting yourself up for disaster.

When your child screams and you put them in time-out, that is success. When your child misbehaves 10 minutes later and you give another time out that is another success. You will be giving your child thousands of consequences and this is beautiful because it will teach them they have to be accountable for their actions. Ultimately this is not about tantrums this is about getting each other to Heaven is our goal as a family. You are helping this child by teaching consequences and they are helping you by forcing you to abandon everything to God when you are weary. Please be assured of my prayers, Jesus has known from all eternity that you would be carrying this heavy cross of parenthood and unpleasant family dynamics. Jesus will help you carry this cross, Jesus wants to help you, keep Heaven as the goal and lean on Jesus with all you have.

Okay this makes so much sense! Thank you!

So even if she makes the same mistake a thousand times in a row,if I remain consistent and provide consequences for misbehavior each time, each of those times is a success. It is not the extinction of the misbehavior that I need to have as my parenting goal, but only the consistency. That helps so much!

 

[jmjZelie]

Colic? well, that is a whole new ball of wax. I had a Colicy baby. My second, who was failure to thrive and had to have a feeding tube. Long nights, never ending calming techniques. In her case, it was because of severe reflux too. Add to that, vomit five times a day and being “tied” to a feeding tube and machine and well, the “toddler” years there were indeed a challenge sometimes. Perhaps it was this crisis, this fight we had, that so focused us on just enjoying each stage and trusting in constant prayer.

And this is really the crux of parenting. We took our fears, our impatience, our frustration to God, to the Eucharist and to prayer. And in doing so, we found a brief time of silence, silence that scared us. But God, in His own time, answered the prayers, cured our little one and showed us the strength and patience we have now.

OP:

I’m not just some annoying poster who feels like jumping on you. I am a stay at home, homeschooling dad of five extremely well behaved but incomprehensively different children. I am not posting for debate sake, or to make you feel bad about your honest feelings, but rather as someone who has seen much in the way of toddlers and the challenges they bring to the table. And trying to tell you, (in my own poor way) that the joy is what we should focus on in our times of frustration and trouble. And the way we can do that is through prayer. Well, I guess I did have more to offer than just prayers. I hope, through reflection, you can find some helpfulness in my post.

If you had posted this earlier instead of the judgmental comments you posted, I would have greatly appreciated such thoughts.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Your definition of judgemental seems a little off. I know this is a sensitive issue. I’m glad you found my post somewhat helpful. No need to dig in when there is no battle to fight.

 

[Xantippe]

You are doing a great job! Your toddler’s behavior is not really baffling, it is normal, keep up the good work!

Think of human nature and our fallen nature. All of us struggle don’t we? When I go to confession I am often repeating the same sins over and over and over again. I can honestly tell you that some sins I have battled with for decades.

Example: I know losing my temper and yelling is wrong and sinful. I am a grown woman with years of life experience I KNOW this. Just like your toddler KNOWS that screaming is wrong and won’t get them what they want. Yet when I am emotional and the impulse strikes me there are times when I lose my temper anyway. Your toddler is no different and I would assume has a lot less impulse control that I would have You tell your child that screaming doesn’t work that “no means no” yet your toddler is a fallen human being and gives into the impulse to scream anyway. This does not mean you are not a good parent, this does not mean you are not getting the message through to your child that screaming is bad, what this really means is your child is a human being with a fallen nature.

I promise you I believe you are doing a good job! The goal here is to have your child experience consequences for every misbehavior, that is success. You are teaching your child basic Christian principals that there are consequences for bad behavior, this is huge. Don’t measure your success as a parent always by having a well behaved child because you are setting yourself up for disaster.

When your child screams and you put them in time-out, that is success. When your child misbehaves 10 minutes later and you give another time out that is another success. You will be giving your child thousands of consequences and this is beautiful because it will teach them they have to be accountable for their actions. Ultimately this is not about tantrums this is about getting each other to Heaven is our goal as a family. You are helping this child by teaching consequences and they are helping you by forcing you to abandon everything to God when you are weary. Please be assured of my prayers, Jesus has known from all eternity that you would be carrying this heavy cross of parenthood and unpleasant family dynamics. Jesus will help you carry this cross, Jesus wants to help you, keep Heaven as the goal and lean on Jesus with all you have.

That’s very good, especially about how even adults often lose it, despite knowing better.

 

[Xantippe]

Okay this makes so much sense! Thank you!

So even if she makes the same mistake a thousand times in a row,if I remain consistent and provide consequences for misbehavior each time, each of those times is a success. It is not the extinction of the misbehavior that I need to have as my parenting goal, but only the consistency. That helps so much!

I think it is helpful to look at the older children.

For instance, I have a 13-year-old, a 10-year-old and an almost 3-year-old. The almost 3-year-old eats mostly with her hands, has a 50% cracker diet, poops her pants, is extremely ritualistic, and has to be watched around stairs, sharp objects, hot objects, traffic, water, etc. None of that is true of the bigger kids. They use cutlery, eat a variety of foods (even if with some whining), potty independently, are more flexible, and can manage stairs, sharp knives, traffic, deep water and hot stuff safely.

So, since Baby Girl seems to be more or less on track with her development, it’s just a matter of time before she, too, crosses over to being a big kid.

 

[PhiloMed]

I don’t have any specific advice for the OP other than to say I’ve been there.

I’d also say that the difficult times probably come more in waves than you realize, but it’s hard to notice how many good times there are because the rough ones are so much easier to remember and leave us with the lasting PTSD (Post Toddler Stress Disorder).

I’ve been reading on CAF long enough to know that whenever someone posts with a kid problem there will almost always be someone who feels the need to post with “Well I raised 27 children, the youngest is 6 months and the oldest is peri-menopausal and I’ve never had any of these problems.” I don’t know why. Maybe it’s self-righteousness. Maybe it’s a need to prove to others that the perfect family can be achieved if you just pray hard enough. I’ve also read enough posts to know that eventually they come here with their own plea for help when there is either a child who needs therapy, a spouse with a porn addiction, texting an old fling, someone is verbally abusive, an alcoholic-in law who moved in or some other inevitable life trauma.

All that glitters…

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve been reading on CAF long enough to know that whenever someone posts with a kid problem there will almost always be someone who feels the need to post with “Well I raised 27 children, the youngest is 6 months and the oldest is peri-menopausal and I’ve never had any of these problems.” I don’t know why.

Funny!

There’s an old line about how the older I get, the better I was. In fact, you can buy t-shirts and mugs with that slogan.

cafepress.com/+the-older-i-get-the-better-i-was+gifts

 

[1990Domer]

OP,

This may offer little comfort, but I remember the toughest toddler days of my son and thought, “God, I know you want me to see Heaven.” But there were stretches that were really horrible.

I found that noise canceling headphones saved my sanity when my child would continually carry on. He soon got the connection that he was not going to break my will with his noise. Also, I quite walk outside to garden for 10 minutes with my favorite music blasting was a nice little reprieve.

Now I am in a little different situation because we were only able to conceive twice (one was a stillbirth) and one was DS who ended up with an autism diagnosis (trust me, things are so much better now). However, if your DD stands her ground now, you may be very proud of her when she is subjected to unsavory peer pressure and could stand her ground in those situations. This may be a foreshadowing of great things to come!