Told too much

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TheresaP

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Hi! I have been a lurker on and off here for about 5 months. I just registered and have a question.

I am married with three children, ages 3-14. I have a friend who is by far the best friend I have ever had. We go to Mass together and pray for each other. We also talk quite a bit. Some of these conversations turn to personal topics. I am sure my husband would be embarrassed by a few of the topics we have discussed. But we have both(friends) learned some and improved our family life. My husband has been very pleased with our bedroom life lately, not knowing that the changes came from discussing attitudes and feelings with my best friend. Most of the discussions are not personal and would not be of any concern to my husband. So the question is this: Is it okay to discuss personal issues with a best friend, if the main reason to do so is to improve one’s life? If not okay, what is the difference between discussing it with a friend or a counselor?

Thanks for any help.
 
I think it is ok to discuss your own opinions and attitudes, but I also feel that the same information about your spouse is private. The trust between husband and wife is actually broken when one of the parties shares the information with a third party. Now having said that, if the spouse knows that you are having these discussions and gives his or her consent then that is another thing. Most people that seek marital counseling do so either together with the spouse or at least with the consent of the spouse.

You said, “I am sure my husband would be embarrassed by a few of the topics we have discussed”, so that would lead me to believe that his privacy was invaded to some degree.

This is of course only an opinion! 🙂
 
If your husband would be embarressed by your talking about him, then you shouldn’t be talking about him. There are other sources of information for improving your relationship.
 
Sharing info like that with a counselor is different because they are obligated to keep that confidential. Your friend has no such obligation and is only guided by her own ideas of confidentiality. She may feel it’s totally fine to share what you the two of you have talked about with her husband and her husband only.

It’s possible that your husband would be more or less okay with your friend knowing but her husband knowing those intimate details might be over the line for him. Telling a priest within the bounds of confession is the only fail safe way of discussing private issues.

Wether or not it’s okay or not depends. I know a lot of personal stuff about one friend’s relationship with her husband including sex. But they are pretty open about stuff anyway and he knows we talk. I haven’t told anyone nor do I have the desire to. I have another friend who shares very little. In turn I’m much more open with friend #1 than with Friend #2 just because of the comfort level.

I feel honored that I’ve been trusted with details that are so sacred. I would not want to betray that trust. But some people would find certain details so juicy they might burst if they don’t tell someone. One just doesn’t know for sure.
 
I have a dear friend I’ve known since I was 12 and I trust to keep confidence. (I’m 32) We do talk personal stuff. My husband knows that we do, he kind of accepts it as a female thing. Although if it is something deeply personal that I feel he wouldn’t want me to share or if he specifaclly says please don’t discuss this with anyone, my lips are sealed.
 
This is a reply to those who have posted so far. Thanks for the advice.

“If your husband would be embarressed by your talking about him, then you shouldn’t be talking about him. There are other sources of information for improving your relationship.”

Not quite with this trust level. I neglected to say that there is no one else that I trust more than this person. Would I discuss some of these issues with a priest? Probably not because the attitudes/feelings are ones that come from the active married sex life of a hormonal, breastfeeding mother.

“Most people that seek marital counseling do so either together with the spouse or at least with the consent of the spouse.”

I would think it would take a very long time of counseling to ever build the type of trust that this friend and I have in each other.

“The trust between husband and wife is actually broken when one of the parties shares the information with a third party. Now having said that, if the spouse knows that you are having these discussions and gives his or her consent then that is another thing.”

If I were to discuss this in confession, my spouse would not know. Trouble is that the attitudes/feelings that needed changing were not sins per se so they wouldn’t come up in confession.

“Sharing info like that with a counselor is different because they are obligated to keep that confidential.”
There is no one I trust more than this friend. They are absolutely trustworthy. There are some things we have shared that have nothing to do w/ our spouses that are incredibly personal–things that pre-date our marriages and that our spouses will never know about (abuse, etc).

Thanks for the replies.
 
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rayne89:
We do talk personal stuff. My husband knows that we do, he kind of accepts it as a female thing. Although if it is something deeply personal that I feel he wouldn’t want me to share or if he specifaclly says please don’t discuss this with anyone, my lips are sealed.
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Right. If my spouse says not to talk about it, I don’t. He never does say that though.
Re being a female thing: IKWYM. Would it matter if your very close friend were a male? Just wondering.
 
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TheresaP:
Right. If my spouse says not to talk about it, I don’t. He never does say that though.
Re being a female thing: IKWYM. Would it matter if your very close friend were a male? Just wondering.
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If is was a women sharing her personal issues with a male friend about her husband or her previous personal experiences related to intimacy, my opinion is yes. There is danger in sharing too much emotionl closeness with someone of the opposite sex (unless we’re talking about a brother (or other male immediate family) ofcourse. I think my husband would greatly offended if I discussed our intimate life with another man. Nor would I want my husband sharing our intimate details with a women, although if wished to seek advise from a trust worthy male friend that would be perfectly fine with.

I know it sounds like a double standard but I believe it different.
 
Wondering…
  1. Why are you telling something to someone other than your husband… especially if it is husband-related? Don’t you trust your husband to tell him that/those thing(s)?
  2. I appreciate that you trust your friend keeping something that you told your friend between you and her. However, what IF that thing ever got out… inadvertently, even. Would that info being “out there” damage your husband in any way… like his feelings, like his self-esteem… like his RESPECT AND TRUST in YOU?
$0.02 duly deposited
 
" Why are you telling something to someone other than your husband… especially if it is husband-related? Don’t you trust your husband to tell him that/those thing(s)?"

Because I trust this person. Because husbands can be understanding regarding hormones but he does not fully understand like my friend does. I can explain labor and delivery all day to him but he will not understand some of the finer points like another mother. The topics discussed were discussed w/ my husband many times. It wasn’t until I talked to someone who had experienced the exact same feelings that I could see what had to be done to change. My husband is elated w/ the change.

“However, what IF that thing ever got out… inadvertently”
It highly doubt it ever would.

“Would that info being “out there” damage your husband in any way… like his feelings, like his self-esteem… like his RESPECT AND TRUST in YOU?”
If he ever found out he may be very thankful that I sought the counsel to try to make our marriage much better. He is thankful now but doesn’t know how it came to be. For the most part we discussed my feelings/emotions and how they related to marriage. The vast majority of talk was about fixing my thinking but it did involve him so some information about his feelings etc was discussed.
Would he lose trust in me? Not sure. That prospect is what I weigh against making my marriage much better.
BTW, he knows this friend and I are extremely close trusted friends.
 
“I know it sounds like a double standard but I believe it different.”

It sounds like a double standard. This friend happens to be a woman but I could see where a man’s POV might be helpful too in regards to some relationship issues.
 
I would just get your husbands permission to share the intimate details of your married life with this particular friend and be done with it!!! If he doesn’t give you permission then it becomes clear that if you continue to do so would be a violation of his privacy. He probably would not even mind, just be careful how you propose it to him! 🙂
 
You mentioned that this female friend knows some things that your spouse will never know, and then gave the example of abuse.

I’m just curious why you feel like you couldn’t tell your husband something like that, or anything, for that matter. The two of you are one flesh.
 
“I’m just curious why you feel like you couldn’t tell your husband something like that, or anything, for that matter. The two of you are one flesh.”
He knows there are abuse issues. He knows some of it as we have discussed it. But my best friend had basically the exact same thing happen to her. There was a connection there that wasn’t possible w/ anyone who had not experienced the same.
 
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rayne89:
. There is danger in sharing too much emotionl closeness with someone of the opposite sex (unless we’re talking about a brother (or other male immediate family) ofcourse.QUOTE]

What is that danger? The catechism doesn’t differentiate between same sex friends and opposite sex friends.

2347 The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends,[133] who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate. Chastity is a promise of immortality.
Chastity is expressed notably in friendship with one’s neighbor. **Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all. It leads to spiritual communion. **

Why do we expect our teens to be chaste in their friendships when we don’t expect the same of adults? Don’t adults have the use of will and reason?
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TheresaP:
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rayne89:
. There is danger in sharing too much emotionl closeness with someone of the opposite sex (unless we’re talking about a brother (or other male immediate family) ofcourse.QUOTE]

What is that danger? The catechism doesn’t differentiate between same sex friends and opposite sex friends.

2347 The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends,[133] who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate. Chastity is a promise of immortality.
Chastity is expressed notably in friendship with one’s neighbor. **Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all. It leads to spiritual communion. **
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Why do we expect our teens to be chaste in their friendships when we don’t expect the same of adults? Don’t adults have the use of will and reason?
Are we talking about teens girls talking about sexual things with teen boys? I don’t think I would qualify that as chaste. Part of chasity is guarding yourself against sexual sin. Building deep bonds by sharing very personal information by nature often will cause deeper feelings to develope between a girl and a boy. It is a near occasion for sin.

I’m not saying that every women that shares her intimate issues with a male friend is going to fall into sin. What I am saying is that we are called to avoid the near occasion of sin.

Men and women have a different chemistry, then 2 female (or 2 males) friends. We are geared to be attracted to the opposite sex. Sharing very personal information fosters an emotional closeness between 2 people and when there is an emotional closeness between to people of the opposite sex that can (I say can not will) lead a deeper attraction not appropriate for a married man or women.

My personal belief is when a man or women commits herself to marriage, close personal friendships (I’m speaking of the kind where you share deeply personal things) with the opposite sex are no longer appropriate. This is my personal feeling on the matter ofcourse.
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TheresaP said:
“Sharing info like that with a counselor is different because they are obligated to keep that confidential.”
There is no one I trust more than this friend. They are absolutely trustworthy. There are some things we have shared that have nothing to do w/ our spouses that are incredibly personal–things that pre-date our marriages and that our spouses will never know about (abuse, etc).

Thanks for the replies.
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After reading your posts since my first I’m going to add that sharing with this friend is probably a very healthy thing. Your husband can’t be everything to you and your friend plays an important role. It was the abuse part that gave me a different perspective. Women typically need to talk things thru more than men do and that you have someone that is trustworthy with whom you can talk to about very private matters is a good thing. As long as you aren’t shutting out your spouse (and I don’t see that you are) being able to confide in a close friend is benificial to you, to your friend and, from what you said in your first post, your families. In fact, I think that it is a positive sign you were willing to take a closer look at the situation to make sure you weren’t inadvertantly doing something to undermine the relationship with your husband.

These are my thoughts on this situation. I know I wouldn’t be able to say the same thing to every last woman on the planet. :twocents:
 
I guess I really am from the old school. Discussing intimate details about your sex life with anyone other than your husband is being unfaithful. The only time to bring a third party in is a qualified counsellor either on spiritual, psychological or physical problems, and only then with the knowledge and consent of both parties. If I ever found out my husband was talking about these things with other guys I would be furious. If he was talking about them to a woman friend I would probably become violent. (that is hyperbole, please don’t come all over “charitableness” on me.)
 
** Discussing intimate details about your sex life with anyone other than your husband is being unfaithful.**

How is that? This is not w/ just anyone. I would trust this person more than any other person, doctor, counselor, etc. Perhaps I am just too close to this friend. My spouse and immediate family come first but she is next. I should point out that after becoming trusted friends we first somehow got on the subject of abuse which led to how it affected our married lives. You may be upset but my husband is very happy w/ the improved marital life.
 
Perhaps if you feel the need to ask the question there is something in you that indicates you are going too far in the talk. If you are striving for holiness your conscience may be telling you something. With more prayer about this the Holy Spirit will reveal to you what is appropriate and inappropriate.
 
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