Told too much

[Galieo]

I agree with IPTgrad. Listen to your what your conscience is telling you. If youare in doubt, go to confession. It cannot hurt and certainly will help. I strongly suggest going to confession together with your spouse, but obviously confessing separately.

Husband and wife become one flesh, to introduce another into your relationship in any capacity can wound that bond–even if one’s spouse doesn’t know. In this “rational” age we give too little weight to the spiritual side of our lives because we cannot touch, weight and study it empirically. We are all Thomases aren’t we?

 

[sparkle]

TheresaP:

So the question is this: Is it okay to discuss personal issues with a best friend, if the main reason to do so is to improve one’s life? If not okay, what is the difference between discussing it with a friend or a counselor?
Thanks for any help.

NO, I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss very personal stuff, like sex, etc., with a friend, cuz their too close, but all other stuff of course, I do it! It’s better to discuss the REAL personal stuff with a trained counselor. NO ONE needs to know the intimate details of our lives. That is very inappropriate I think. This is just my opinion. I have also heard it said we should never speak negative at all about our spouses, but as a woman, I feel this is nearly impossible. It is just so freeing to do so with a trusted friend or family member. So, overall I say do what you feel is best. If you HAVE to vent with a friend, what can it hurt? Hopefully not --as long as you are certain they are not a gossip–or it will go to someone else and come back to hurt you.

Blessings~~

 

[DaveBj]

I know my wife discusses me with her GFs. I don’t like it, but trying to stop it would be like trying to sweep back the tide with a corn broom.

How would you feel if you were to find out your husband was having similar discussions with the boyz at the bowling alley?

DaveBj

 

[Mijoy2]

This may have been stated already, if so sorry for the redundency.

Possibly you can guage it this way; ask yourself if you’d be troubled by him discussing the same things you are discussing with your friend, with a friend of his. If the specific topics don’t directly apply (because of differences in gender), then think of a similiar topic of equal intimacy.

This could be a good guage.

 

[MamaGeek]

** Discussing intimate details about your sex life with anyone other than your husband is being unfaithful.**

How is that? This is not w/ just anyone. I would trust this person more than any other person, doctor, counselor, etc. Perhaps I am just too close to this friend. My spouse and immediate family come first but she is next. I should point out that after becoming trusted friends we first somehow got on the subject of abuse which led to how it affected our married lives. You may be upset but my husband is very happy w/ the improved marital life.

It sounds to me like your post and subsequent responses is just an attempt to justify something you already suspect is wrong. If you are so certain that all is well, why post the question in the first place? I suggest telling your husband that you spoke with another abuse victim who shared her method for dealing with the problem. Does he know that your friend was abused? If not, you shouldn’t reveal who you spoke with.

Ah, what tangled webs we weave…sometimes it’s NOT harder to get forgiveness after than permission before. In this case, there’s probably not much you can do to rectify sharing personal marital matters without hurting someone at least a little, but let it be a lesson for the future. Next time you want to share, ask him first.

 

[felra]

If not first cleared with your husband, then you should not be sharing certain intimate details about your husband or your relationship with anyone else, unless his or your personal welfare is at stake. If it is with a priest or professional, at least communicate an understanding that intimate topics may be part of the discussion.Otherwise, I would give husband (and conversely wife) the option of veto as honoring the sacred vow exchanged in matrimony. :twocents:

 

[TheresaP]

It sounds to me like your post and subsequent responses is just an attempt to justify something you already suspect is wrong. If you are so certain that all is well, why post the question in the first place?
Actually it is b/c of responses like yours that I posted. I don’t see anything wrong with this situation. My spouse does know that we are extremely close friends and share many things. But, some of my other friends are more like some who have posted here that think I am betraying my spouse b/c I share personal info w/ my best friend who has helped me in many ways. I didn’t come out and tell my other friends in detail but they seemed shocked that I could be such a close friend to someone. So I was interested in what an orthodox Catholic group would say. As for the advice in this thread, some I will consider and some I won’t. I didn’t see any authoritative citations that made me rethink my position. Seems like mostly opinion based on experience and my experience is as good as anyone else’s IMO.

**I suggest telling your husband that you spoke with another abuse victim who shared her method for dealing with the problem. Does he know that your friend was abused? If not, you shouldn’t reveal who you spoke with. **

He would know from the nature of the topic that I only would have shared it w/ one person. This isn’t something I share w/ just good friends. There is the matter of protecting my friend’s secret about what she endured too.

what tangled webs we weave…
Thanks for the assessment.

 

[asquared]

sounds like a common confusion we gals sometimes have with sharing as opposed to counselling. it is unfair to place the friend with whom you confide in the position of counsellor (and it is unfair of her to do this to you). whatever you share with each other about personal details of your lives, you have no right to share what belongs to a third party, especially your husband with whom you have a bond and pledge of fidelity, confidentiality and intimacy that overrides any friendship.

 

[jimmy]

I agree with Rayne that it is a betrayal of your husbands trust if you would share these things with a male friend. If you want a male perspective you can always get your husbands perspective.

I think you should get your husbands permission to talk about these things outside the marriage. These issues can cause someone to be very imbarrased. It can also cause a lack of trust.

 

[puzzleannie]

I have been thinking about this thread because it has bothered me a lot, especially what seems to be a generational difference in how we view this issue.

One thing I just have to say from the far side of 35 years married, is that once you betray a man’s confidence, it will be next to impossible to get him to confide in you again about his private feelings. You will spend a lot of time begging him to “tell me what you think, tell me what is bothering you?” and never understand why he doesn’t talk to you. I agree with those who say this is a form of infidelity, you are taking the intimacy of communication in marriage and making it the property of a third party.

 

[cklockner]

I just finished a book called Intimate Issues and participated in a Woman’s Bible Study to go with it. Needless to say, we talked about intimate stuff and of course about our husbands! The purpose was to help each other have a better attitude about sex and improve our love life and our marriage. It was extremely beneficial! We understood that we had each other’s full confidence and trust.
I think there is a difference between gossiping about your husband and talking about things that will improve your marriage and your life.
It’s important for women to have friends they can trust with everything. Sharing things with our husband is extremely important but he is not a girl and we can’t expect them to want to listen to all of our talking and unloading.
I think done in the right spirit, it can benefit you and your husband.

 

[TheresaP]

cklockner:

I just finished a book called Intimate Issues and participated in a Woman’s Bible Study to go with it. Needless to say, we talked about intimate stuff and of course about our husbands! The purpose was to help each other have a better attitude about sex and improve our love life and our marriage. It was extremely beneficial! We understood that we had each other’s full confidence and trust.
I think there is a difference between gossiping about your husband and talking about things that will improve your marriage and your life.
It’s important for women to have friends they can trust with everything. Sharing things with our husband is extremely important but he is not a girl and we can’t expect them to want to listen to all of our talking and unloading.
I think done in the right spirit, it can benefit you and your husband.

Thank you for your encouragement. Our marriage has been improved by this sharing.