Too Much Admiration of Women

  • Thread starter Thread starter misericordie
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

misericordie

Guest
I have a particular problem and it is that I find myself(I am a 32 year old guy) constantly lacking “custody of the eyes” regarding women. In other words, when a beutiful woman passes in front of me, I just feel the NEED to look at her, while admiring her beuty, at times I find myself not just admiring but lusting. Even in a restuarant, I can be talking with a friend sitting right in front of me, and instead of paying attention to what my friends are saying in conversation, my eyes are “admiring” the waitress, the beutiful woman in the other table, then one who just walks in. WHAT should I do??? Does anyone have any thoughts on this or similar experiences. I also find myself flirting in excess(I am single).
 
Men have a tendency to look at women as sexual objects. This is, of course, contrary to God’s plan. As men, we must always guard our eyes and hearts from falling into this kind of behavior. When we look at women in this way, we dehumanize them and they become only objects for the satisfaction of our desires.

I would suggest reading Christopher West’s book The Good News about Sex and Marriage. He has many great insights, and the book answers all kinds of questions.
 
I’ve read a few of your threads, misercordie. I think you seriously need to find a wife. Remember what Paul said, better to marry than burn!

I don’t mean this with any disrespect, mind you. But, you are a normal male with God-given desires. Find yourself a good Catholic woman. I’ve read that religious women are statistically the best sexual partners (within marriage of course)
 
Hmm, maybe you should consider that a man who is frequently checking out women is often very UNattractive to most women, at least most of the Catholic women that I happen to know.

Most of my friends and I consider it very disrespectful to be “checked out” by a man who gazes with appreciation up and down our bodies, as if just because we are standing there he has the right to look over every inch.

The fact that you are wanting to control this is wonderful, especially since a Catholic woman desires to be respected. You might also consider that the women you’re looking at are OTHER men’s wives, girlfriends, etc…and they belong to someone else. Someday you will (God willing?) have a wife and I’m sure you would only want your eyes to enjoy her beauty.

Again, this comes down to a willingness on your part to change and the behavioral approach you choose to take.

This may seem totally ridiculous to you, but perhaps you should get a thick, tight-fitting rubberband and wear it upon your wrist when you are out in public and likely to see women. Each time you notice yourself gazing at other women in an inappropriate way, snap the rubberband against your wrist. It should hurt. Eventually you will come to associate the slap on your wrist with the act of viewing other women in a lustful manner. Ouch! Not only does it hurt physically, but spiritually…

Another way to gain control over your eyes and thoughts is to start billing yourself. Literally. Make it expensive. Are you an athlete? Have you ever seen those “clicker” things, where you can “click” how many times someone completes this or that? You can carry a tiny one on you and each time you click it, mentally note to yourself that you owe the Church (or your fave charity) a dollar. At the end of each day, I would physically transfer the money, by hand, into the jar that you will eventually donate. I would actually go to the bank and withdraw a reasonable amount of one dollar bills and keep them handy to do so. It might be expensive at first, but eventually the “cost” of looking around won’t seem so worth it.

I know these sound silly! But it sometimes only takes a small intervention!! I have seen adults change their behavior so easily given a simple solution like the ones above!

And of course…nothing changes without prayer 🙂
 
He might be checking out women discreetly. It can be done readily, I’m sure, without being too obvious!

He’s just a normal single guy in need of a wife, that’s what I say. He’s over 30, trying to be celibate, and it’s not easy because he needs a wife.

Some folks says that we are marrying too late these days, and expecting heroic chastity from our young people, just at a time when their bodies and minds are geared up for mating. I read this in Our Sunday Visitor in fact…

In the old days, people got married in their late teens or early twenties. I think that’s probably more normal and healthy.
 
Thanks all for your advice. Yes, I guess I am just a normal GUY who is human and with weaknesses, some women actually are also very provacative, and also return flirts, the human phenomenon I guess? Respect yes, it must happen on both sides.
 
40.png
Princess_Abby:
Hmm, maybe you should consider that a man who is frequently checking out women is often very UNattractive to most women, at least most of the Catholic women that I happen to know.

Most of my friends and I consider it very disrespectful to be “checked out” by a man who gazes with appreciation up and down our bodies, as if just because we are standing there he has the right to look over every inch.

The fact that you are wanting to control this is wonderful, especially since a Catholic woman desires to be respected. You might also consider that the women you’re looking at are OTHER men’s wives, girlfriends, etc…and they belong to someone else. Someday you will (God willing?) have a wife and I’m sure you would only want your eyes to enjoy her beauty.

Again, this comes down to a willingness on your part to change and the behavioral approach you choose to take.

This may seem totally ridiculous to you, but perhaps you should get a thick, tight-fitting rubberband and wear it upon your wrist when you are out in public and likely to see women. Each time you notice yourself gazing at other women in an inappropriate way, snap the rubberband against your wrist. It should hurt. Eventually you will come to associate the slap on your wrist with the act of viewing other women in a lustful manner. Ouch! Not only does it hurt physically, but spiritually…

Another way to gain control over your eyes and thoughts is to start billing yourself. Literally. Make it expensive. Are you an athlete? Have you ever seen those “clicker” things, where you can “click” how many times someone completes this or that? You can carry a tiny one on you and each time you click it, mentally note to yourself that you owe the Church (or your fave charity) a dollar. At the end of each day, I would physically transfer the money, by hand, into the jar that you will eventually donate. I would actually go to the bank and withdraw a reasonable amount of one dollar bills and keep them handy to do so. It might be expensive at first, but eventually the “cost” of looking around won’t seem so worth it.

I know these sound silly! But it sometimes only takes a small intervention!! I have seen adults change their behavior so easily given a simple solution like the ones above!

And of course…nothing changes without prayer 🙂
Click to expand...
Some points of advice here are good and I thank you, others(no disrespect intended) seem over the top and puritan-like, while dismissing the REALITY of human temptation.
 
I for one would not recommend marriage as an antedote. A person who cannot control himself living the single vocation will find it equally difficult in the vocation of marriage. Will there be a more accesible ‘outlet’ for these feelings - yes, I wouldn’t argue that - but to expect to walk into marriage and have all your temptations whisked away because you have a wife is to put it bluntly, naive. Real chastity must be practiced our whole lives, so there is no better time to get started than now. Our bodies are holy items (being gifts from God), as are our wives and our future marriages, so we should start treating them as such.

Or maybe I just read into this too much, man am I tired! :o
 
miseri,

i’m not offended at all, but i guess i’m surprised because if you REALLY want to have custody of the eyes, wouldn’t you want to banish it from your life entirely? knowing that doing so would only remove an attachment from your life that is keeping you from God?

it’s fine to address the “reality of human temptation,” but we should always strive to do better when we feel that we are failing God.

as we remove the attachments and clingings of the secular world, we grow in more close communion with God, both in prayer and in living. St. Augustine says, “Live well, pray well.”

i just attended a seminar given by Fr. Thomas Dubay (a renowned author and speaker) last night. he pointed out that confessing the same sin for years or decades at a time means we CHOOSE to stagnate and not grow closer to God in a deeper communion. our life is a journey of rooting out that which keeps us from Him. he also says it takes advantage of the sacrament–when we confess, we state our sorrow, receive Jesus’ mercy, make amends and strive to “sin no more.”
 
Try saying to yourself to God, “Thank you God for creating such a beautiful woman? How do You feel about her?”

This may help in moving you from more lustful thoughts to more loving ones. It also actively involves God with the problem and reminds you to holiness at the sametime.
 
The other part of the equation here is how women dress these days.

It seems that with every generation women’s vestments adjust to show either more bare skin or the fitting it so tight that the woman’s figure is fully revealed. We men are programmed to look and must make a concious effort to avert our eyes.

I would like to see our Pope address this officially by denoucning such revealing clothing for women.

Oscar
 
The next time you find yourself ogling a woman, first say a quick prayer to God and/or the Blessed Mother to help you look away, then remind yourself that this woman is someone’s wife/girlfriend/sister/daughter. Then ask yourself how you would like it if someone looked lustfully at your mother/sister/girlfriend. Chances are good you wouldn’t like that too much.
 
40.png
Princess_Abby:
This may seem totally ridiculous to you, but perhaps you should get a thick, tight-fitting rubberband and wear it upon your wrist when you are out in public and likely to see women. Each time you notice yourself gazing at other women in an inappropriate way, snap the rubberband against your wrist. It should hurt. Eventually you will come to associate the slap on your wrist with the act of viewing other women in a lustful manner. Ouch! Not only does it hurt physically, but spiritually…
Click to expand...
I have heard of this practice being used in other circumstances to break a habit. Somehow I cannot see the wisdom of inflicting pain on yourself to correct bad behavior. You wouldn’t snap a rubberband on a child to correct his behavior, would you? Why should it be any different for your own body? Evil comes from within the heart, not from the wrist.

[Note: this does not mean you should start beating your chest.😃 ]
 
Hi Miseri,
First of all, I would try to change the wording of your problem from too much admiration to too much lust. Because you are not “admiring” these women or it wouldn’t feel sinful!

Secondly I really feel for you. It would be awfully hard to be a man in modern day society where there is NO modesty, no matter where you are. Yesterday was our parish picnic and the amount of skin showing would have turned anyone’s head.

I would also have to agree with the poster who said that marriage will not necessarily solve the problem. It will make it better and definitely more tolerable but the urge to give in to lust never really goes away…you just have to be committed to working at it daily. Having a high sex drive can be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I feel that I really experience life and all it has to offer–I feel passionate and FEEL things. On the other it is hard to keep it in its proper place! :tsktsk:

Someday you will make a generous and giving lover to your lucky wife. Until then, I would take the good suggestions of the other posters and do everything in your power to stop lusting. If it means that you do not make eye contact with the waitress, so be it.

Btw, you know where this urge hits me the strongest? In Church! That should tell you who is really behind this “urge” and it isn’t our Lord.
 
Marriage is no more a solution to the problem than would be entering the monastic life. Actually monastic life might be a better solution.

However, marriage and monastic life are vocations that you should discern through prayer, and throughtful consideration - not just based on one single difficulty you are having.

My Rx for your problem is prayer and fasting, penance and mortification. Pick a day in the week and fast on bread and water.

Start exercising your will to make it stronger. Like many Americans you’ve probably become trained to simply give in to your whims and desires. You feel hungry and you head for the candy machine. You’re tired and you take a nap. You get caught in an endless cycle of swinging from one pleasure fix to the next.

Check out an organization called E5men. Just do a Yahoo search and you’ll find their homepage. They fast every first Wednesday of the month, some of them then go on to fast every week.
 
I like the advice of fasting as an offering to help mitigate this situation. The Holy Spirit will also help take away those feelings of lust if you keep on asking. Every time you entertain the thought, then invite the Holy Ghost to help. So you may need to ask several times in 5 min? Who cares! He will help.

You mentioned flirting as one of your problematic areas…ask the Holy Spirit to help curb your mouth. It is a blessing to be able to keep silent. (AMEN to this as I struggle for the gift to remain silent as well)

As for one posting suggesting you get married? ohh - if it were only that easy as to just decide to get married one day! But I do not believe you are that foolish as to take a bride just for that sake of satisfying your oogling and flirtatious urges.

I have read some of your other posts and you seem very conscientious about finding the right woman for you - one who shares your intense Catholic faith.

This is no different than breaking any other habit while leaning on the Holy Spirit in your efforts.
 
I like the advice of fasting as an offering to help mitigate this situation. The Holy Spirit will also help take away those feelings of lust if you keep on asking. Every time you entertain the thought, then invite the Holy Ghost to help. So you may need to ask several times in 5 min? Who cares! He will help.

You mentioned flirting as one of your problematic areas…ask the Holy Spirit to help curb your mouth. It is a blessing to be able to keep silent. (AMEN to this as I struggle for the gift to remain silent as well)

As for one posting suggesting you get married? ohh - if it were only that easy as to just decide to get married one day! But I do not believe you are that unwise as to take a bride just for that sake of satisfying your oogling and flirtatious urges.

I have read some of your other posts and you seem very conscientious about finding the right woman for you - one who shares your intense Catholic faith.

This is no different than breaking any other habit while leaning on the Holy Spirit in your efforts.
 
40.png
carrieloon:
Hi Miseri,
First of all, I would try to change the wording of your problem from too much admiration to too much lust. Because you are not “admiring” these women or it wouldn’t feel sinful!

Secondly I really feel for you. It would be awfully hard to be a man in modern day society where there is NO modesty, no matter where you are. Yesterday was our parish picnic and the amount of skin showing would have turned anyone’s head.

I would also have to agree with the poster who said that marriage will not necessarily solve the problem. It will make it better and definitely more tolerable but the urge to give in to lust never really goes away…you just have to be committed to working at it daily. Having a high sex drive can be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I feel that I really experience life and all it has to offer–I feel passionate and FEEL things. On the other it is hard to keep it in its proper place! :tsktsk:

Someday you will make a generous and giving lover to your lucky wife. Until then, I would take the good suggestions of the other posters and do everything in your power to stop lusting. If it means that you do not make eye contact with the waitress, so be it.

Btw, you know where this urge hits me the strongest? In Church! That should tell you who is really behind this “urge” and it isn’t our Lord.
Click to expand...
Thank you, great advice, and kind words.
 
40.png
carrieloon:
Hi Miseri,
First of all, I would try to change the wording of your problem from too much admiration to too much lust. Because you are not “admiring” these women or it wouldn’t feel sinful!

Secondly I really feel for you. It would be awfully hard to be a man in modern day society where there is NO modesty, no matter where you are. Yesterday was our parish picnic and the amount of skin showing would have turned anyone’s head.

I would also have to agree with the poster who said that marriage will not necessarily solve the problem. It will make it better and definitely more tolerable but the urge to give in to lust never really goes away…you just have to be committed to working at it daily. Having a high sex drive can be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I feel that I really experience life and all it has to offer–I feel passionate and FEEL things. On the other it is hard to keep it in its proper place! :tsktsk:

Someday you will make a generous and giving lover to your lucky wife. Until then, I would take the good suggestions of the other posters and do everything in your power to stop lusting. If it means that you do not make eye contact with the waitress, so be it.

Btw, you know where this urge hits me the strongest? In Church! That should tell you who is really behind this “urge” and it isn’t our Lord.
Click to expand...
There is no modesty in the Summer time especially in many parts. It is so sad, and makes having pure thoughts more difficult. Even just walking down the street, I have seen some women with low cut jeans, very low cut shirts, and with half of their underare showing(what kind of a fassion fad is that?? Seens to be a common one now).
 
40.png
Oscar:
The other part of the equation here is how women dress these days.

It seems that with every generation women’s vestments adjust to show either more bare skin or the fitting it so tight that the woman’s figure is fully revealed. We men are programmed to look and must make a concious effort to avert our eyes.

I would like to see our Pope address this officially by denoucning such revealing clothing for women.

Oscar
Click to expand...
Thanks. You are totally right in all this, this is half my problem. In the Wintertime I have less temptation, as wmen dress more modest.
As for the Pope, as much as he is good, don’t expect any ENFORCED document, encyclical, exhortation, etc. on modesty, purity, etc, from his desk, his advisors would probably convince him NOT to release such a document. I wonder, is this Pope REALLY running the WHOLE Church anymore??? Or is he being really INFORMED of the accurate state of the Church in the world. Especially when Bishops make their Ad-Limina visits to Rome, are they in ALL cases being totally honest with the Pope of the state of affairs in their dioceses??? I pray much for Our dear Holy Father.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top