Too Young For Marriage?

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MelissaMarie

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Hello. My fiance and I have been dating for four years. He asked me to marry him this past Valentine’s Day on the front steps of my church (after asking my father’s permission). We are both devout Catholics; he is a convert to the faith–entered Easter, 2003. We love each other very much, and look forward to marriage together. Both of our parents are very supportive of our relationship and our engagement. We know each other’s family very well.

We have both finished two years of college and have two remaining. We would like to get married before we graduate, either this coming December or next June. His parents and my mother are supportive, saying that we are mature enough to make our own decisions and they will be happy for us no matter when the wedding is. My father, however, is expressing concern that we are too young to be married or that we shouldn’t get married without having stable jobs, among other things. Several other people have expressed concern that I would quit school if I got married. They say this because I am a bright person, and exceed at school. I fully intend to complete my undergraduate degree in biochemistry and pursue further education in graduate school. My fiance intends to complete a degree in religious studies and go into ministry, perhaps coordinating religious education at a parish or something of that sort.

My fiance and I have worked out a budget that we have shown to our parents, and are confident that we will not have financial trouble. We have talked about the concerns that my father has, and though we realize that the first years of marriage can be very difficult, we are willing to work through them together, come what may.

I love my father very much, and respect his opinion. I was wondering if any of you would have any advice on how to handle the situation? I have always been Daddy’s Little Girl, and as the oldest of seven children, I wonder if he might have trouble letting go. Then again, he probably does have genuine concern. Would it be right for me to go against his wishes? My fiance and I do not want to have a long engagement, and he is asking us to wait two and a half years. We can’t understand why we should wait without good reason.

I imagine there are many people on this bored who have married young or waited longer, who have been married and who have been divorced. Or maybe you have friends in similar situations. I will be grateful for any advice, suggestions, or prayers.

God Bless!
 
I just realized that I forgot to add our ages. We are both 20. If you have any other questions I can answer, please let me know.
 
Hi Melissa, congrats on your engagement. I am not sure about how you should handle the issue w/your Father. I just wanted to say that my cousin and her husband got married at 20, or after two years of college, just like you want to. She went on to get a graduate degree and he is in medical school. They seem to be a happily married couple and although I’m sure it has not been easy, obviously they have survived and accomplished their goals so far. It can be done!

Good luck and God bless,
Nicole
 
Here is the way I look at it. If you and he are financially self supporting, then get married if you want to.

If one or both of you are still being supported by your respective parents, then I’d suggest waiting until you are financially self sufficient.

Accepting financial responsibility for oneself is a major life milestone to maturity. I think it makes sense to have marriage wait until that level of maturity.

I would also anticipate that anyone reading this who is still being helped financially may object that it isn’t really that important, whereas anyone who has made that transition to being self-supporting will know exactly what I am saying.
 
In response to rfk:

We are pretty much self supporting financially right now. We are both attending college on full scholarship, so we owe neither a bank nor our parents for tuition or other college expenses. We are both covered under our parents insurance plans, but once we get married, coverage would stop and we would be responsible for our own insurance, which we included in our budget. We also both have money saved up, and have been working summers. I guess what I am saying is that we know how to take care of ourselves, and we are definitely ready to make the transition to being fully self supporting. Thanks!
 
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MelissaMarie:
I just realized that I forgot to add our ages. We are both 20. If you have any other questions I can answer, please let me know.
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First, off…I don’t want to be the party pooper…but, statistically the odds aren’t in your favor…individuals within their early 20’s are 2 - 3x more likely to divorce than individuals within their late 20’s to early 30’s…it’s attributed to either immaturity and/or financial strain.

I now why the father is concerned. I would wait until you two have both graduated, etc…trying to balance marriage life for the first time…with the financial burdens, etc…with college life will be extremely difficult. You’re being extremely naive if you think it won’t. I saw a reputable study just yesterday about…couples getting married in college…one usually drops out in order to pay the bills, etc…and usually don’t return to college.

Don’t get me wrong…there are exceptions to the rule…but, it doesn’t take away from the fact that the rule exists.

Having said that…I’m wishing you two the best.
 
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MelissaMarie:
Hello. My fiance and I have been dating for four years. He asked me to marry him this past Valentine’s Day on the front steps of my church (after asking my father’s permission). We are both devout Catholics; he is a convert to the faith–entered Easter, 2003. We love each other very much, and look forward to marriage together. Both of our parents are very supportive of our relationship and our engagement. We know each other’s family very well.

We have both finished two years of college and have two remaining. We would like to get married before we graduate, either this coming December or next June. His parents and my mother are supportive, saying that we are mature enough to make our own decisions and they will be happy for us no matter when the wedding is. My father, however, is expressing concern that we are too young to be married or that we shouldn’t get married without having stable jobs, among other things. Several other people have expressed concern that I would quit school if I got married. They say this because I am a bright person, and exceed at school. I fully intend to complete my undergraduate degree in biochemistry and pursue further education in graduate school. My fiance intends to complete a degree in religious studies and go into ministry, perhaps coordinating religious education at a parish or something of that sort.

My fiance and I have worked out a budget that we have shown to our parents, and are confident that we will not have financial trouble. We have talked about the concerns that my father has, and though we realize that the first years of marriage can be very difficult, we are willing to work through them together, come what may.

I love my father very much, and respect his opinion. I was wondering if any of you would have any advice on how to handle the situation? I have always been Daddy’s Little Girl, and as the oldest of seven children, I wonder if he might have trouble letting go. Then again, he probably does have genuine concern. Would it be right for me to go against his wishes? My fiance and I do not want to have a long engagement, and he is asking us to wait two and a half years. We can’t understand why we should wait without good reason.

I imagine there are many people on this bored who have married young or waited longer, who have been married and who have been divorced. Or maybe you have friends in similar situations. I will be grateful for any advice, suggestions, or prayers.

God Bless!
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Age is not the issue , it’s maturity, I was 20 and my wife was 19 when we married 11 1/2 years ago
 
The statistics are very much not in your favor. You don’t say whether both sets of parents are together and whether they have had only one marriage each. Even if that is true, there are no guarantees, just better examples to pattern your own marriage after.

Even more than financial issues (which are certainly important) are your ages. No matter how mature you are, you are still young and don’t know yourselves in a way you will even in 5 years. Indeed, the people you are today are different than who you will be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. An article on the Teen Brain noted that certain emotional functions do not fully mature until a person is 25 years old.

My brother and his wife who married when they were 22 and 20 (despite my mother’s reservations because my sister-in-law had not finished college) seemed to be successful and happy. Both of them came from Catholic families whose parents had strong marriages. A few months short of their 25th anniversary last year, she announced she wanted a divorce. Only then did we learn about her infidelities over the years.

My mother’s generation (post WWII, early 1950s) married young then many divorced during the 1970s when women’s rights were big and women felt they were stuck at home. My mother encouraged us to delay marriage until we had finished college, worked, and lived on our own. Her philosophy is that if we experienced life as a single and chose to marry and have children, that we would be making those choices having experienced the alternatives. And we wouldn’t feel we were missing out on life as women of her generation felt.
 
I agree that age does not matter. It is responsibility and understanding self-sacrifice. You also need to be totally self-sufficient. Another part is to also be able to handle the expense of children if you are so blessed.

My husband and I started dating at 16 and got married at 20. Our marriage survived the death of our second child at age 24. Though we have had many struggles, we have been happily married for 18 years.

We know couples married much older that didn’t survive moving, job losses, etc. Some of them simply just “fell out of love.” If you understand neither of you is perfect, that being “in love” is not the same as loving, if you are both willing to put the other’s needs ahead of your own, you just might be ready.
 
Ok here’s something that hasn’t been pointed out yet.

Children. Since you are faithful/devout Catholics then I assume you will be using natural family planning and not artificial birth control. If you haven’t taken a class on this, be sure you do!

Since you are faithful and devout Catholics then I trust you realize that we are not to prevent conception unless there are grave reasons to do so.

So one can only assume that you will become pregnant (barring any fertility issues) at some point prior to your graduation from college. How will this effect your studies?

Childcare…will you be staying home to raise your own? Are you willing to put a ‘career’ on hold while you raise your children?

Some things that you need to be thinking of! 🙂

SV
 
peace be with you! some people may not see this as the most practical thing but i do. entrust your struggles as you discern the Lord’s Will in your life to Mary. ask Jesus and Mary for the grace to know their will for you then do it. seriously spend time with Him in the Blessed Sacrament. He so loves us and desires to share His life and love with us, so He will tell you what He wants of you. ask Him, listen for the answer, then by His grace do it. if this marriage is His will, then no struggle will be too great if you trust Him. He will help you! all that is necessary is to trust Him.
 
MelissaMarie,

My wife was 23 and I was 24 when we were married about 14 months after I graduated from undergrad. She completed grad school just before we got married and I was just entering when we got married. For the first year and a half of our married life I was working and completing my graduate degree. Through all of this, we were financially independent (since we both worked) and I think point this helped. We were blessed with our first child being born about 2 months after I completed grad school. I tell you all of this to give you a perspective of where I am coming from…

It seems to me that you are very bright, devout and responsible (from your comments). It is clear you are not jumping into something without thought.

However…I would imagine that completing the final 2 years of your undergraduate program without full time jobs may be more difficult than you would expect. While it is great that you have outlined a budget, my experience tells me that there will be some unexpected expenses that will arise and, for me anyway, it would be difficult to deal with those unexpected situations while trying to complete a degree and focussing on yor first years if marriage.

My second concern was raised by another in this stream: children. I am sure you want to be open to children in your marriage, yet having a child while trying to complete your degree could, IMHO, make that joyous moment a time of stress.

My third point is - I don’t see a downside in waiting. You complete your undergrad degrees, determine where you will go for your grad degrees and get married. In the interm, you get a chance to know even further your fiance and you also are able to listen to your father’s advice.

I will add, though, that this is just my opinion and I do remember back 7 years ago when my wife and I wanted to marry NOW and we did not want the long engagement either.

Your real answers will come through prayer. Ask God…and listen…He will lead you along His way.
 
When we were married I was 20 and my husband was 21. There has been a lot that has changed, 7 years and 4 kids later. I can honestly say that our relationship has never been better but I’m sure many people would consider us newly weds. It hasn’t been easy but worth it. Warning: the first year was really hard! I’m not a big fan of long engagements mainly b/c of temptation. I suggest finding a good priest and talking things over with him. Maybe if the priest thinks that you are ready you’re dad may see things in a different light. In the meantime is it possible that one of you finds a job with insurance benefits? That’s a huge expense.
 
As mature as you sound and given your age, you are an adult. While you still of course owe your father respect, the decision is yours to make. I think you should do what your heart is telling you to do, and if that is to get married, try to be as gentle to your father as possible. Probably a lot of his reaction is just the protective, losing-my-little-girl kind of thing anyway, which I think generally goes away pretty soon (especially when the grandkids start showing up! :love: )

So you know, my wife and I were 19 and 21 with two and one year left in college, respectively, when we got married. We went through some struggles similar to yours–particularly since my wife’s mother was pretty concerned about my wife marrying “beneath” her–but after we were married our parents were all glad to have another member of the family and to see us both so happy. It also helped that we both became better students and better people in general once we moved on to that next stage in our lives. Since then there have definitely been struggles at times, particularly financially, but it has been worth all that to have one another (and we have also learned a lot about prioritizing faith and family over material things in the process).

I actually do see benefits to marrying sooner rather than later. One, although I am sure you are good people, it quite honestly gets very hard to avoid the temptation to be unchaste when you have the mindset that “we’re going to be getting married anyway.” Two, if you’re fairly self-supporting already, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to maintain seperate sets of living expenses for another two to three years. Finally, and I’m not trying to be morbid here, you never know when it’s your time to go. Maybe God has great plans for you as a married couple, but you never know how long you’ll be around to do what you’re called to do.

If you are making an informed and prayerful decision, I’d say go for it! We have never regretted it (so far!).
 
Congratulations!

So far there have been many great responses but I just wanted to give in my two cents from a person going through the same thing right now.

Although my fiancee and I are a bit older than the both of you, we will be 23 and 24 respectively when we marry, we still face MUCH opposition.

We too, were perplexed, how should we after all respond to in some cases blatant opposition? So here is what we have figured out, and very quickly I may add, in order to maintain our sanity.
  1. First try to PREDICT concerns others would have, and know (realistically) how you are going to deal with them.
  2. LISTEN to what others’ objections actually are, it is possible that you’ve missed something. Once again, address these concerns seriously.
  3. If at this point you can see no legitimate problems, or at least no hindrance that you and your other can’t solve, then PROCEED!
(Two other things I should mention, but because this is a Catholic forum I expect them to be givens: this whole process should be assisted with prayer, and just as importantly you and your fiance understand what marriage is and what it isn’t; in other words, marriage is for keeps).

Remember, your family and friends just want you to be happy, and so do we! Once again congratulations and you’ll be in our prayers!

I hope this helps,
pax Christi
 
Hi MelissaMarie –

I think Richard stated it correctly, that AGE doesn’t matter as much as MATURITY. Also, the fact that you share your faith and this is an important part of your relationship is a MAJOR POSITIVE.

Ultimately, you and your fiance have to make this decision, with the help of Our Lord. I strongly suggest you spend some time together in prayer before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.

By the way, my husband was 24 and I was 21 when we got married. I had one year of school to finish and he had just graduated. I worked two jobs and went to school full-time, but we got through. A few years later he went back to graduate school, and we made it through those years as well. This August we’ll celebrate 20 years together and we have two beautiful children!

Every situation is different. You will know if it’s right through the Grace of God! 👍
 
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mposey:
My third point is - I don’t see a downside in waiting. You complete your undergrad degrees, determine where you will go for your grad degrees and get married.
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Dating for a long time, or a prolonged engagement, is often very, very, very dangerous morally and spiritually. While a couple might not lose their virginity, I’d think it would be very difficult not to fall into some grave sin of some sort in thought, word, or deed (probably all three).

At the same time, any devout Catholic couple planning to get married with two years of schooling left will have to recognize that they will likely have a child before they graduate.

Jason
 
One more thing. I don’t think age is all together that important. Frankly, I thinks it’s in a sense unnatural to dely marriage until the late 20’s or early 30’s.

My grandmother was married when she was 18 to my grandfather who was about 21. They were married for almost fifty years until he died.

Fifty years ago, a 20 year-old getting married was not unusual in any way. Marriages lasted longer then too.

Maturity is more important than age. So is openness to children and being family-oriented.

Jason
 
Never use statistics or believe them, they start to mess with your mind and you start to believe that you ARE the statistic.
 
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