Too Young For Marriage?

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I married 14 years ago when I was 23 years old and my fiance was 24. This marriage ended in divorce after 6 years. The marriage had very little “religion”. My daugher was born out of this union, which I never regretted. She is the joy of my life, but it has been very hard raising her on my own without any paternal support. I did remarry, but it isn’t the same as her biological father and it has been very difficult raising a “blended” family. On the flip side, it sounds like you two have religion in your life. I not only encourage it, but I think it is a requirement of a good marriage.

Good Luck…
 
As one of the other poster’s mentioned. Children ought to be a big part of your decision. Presumably since you are a devout Catholic you will want to welcome children into the world. Finishing your undergrad degree while caring for a newborn will be an awful lot of work. Remember that even if you are considering using NFP after marriage you must have a serious reason to do so. In fact, you might consider that if you have a serious reason to postpone pregnancy that is really a serious reason to postpone marriage. It would seem that postponing marriage for the serious reason of not being able to welcome children into the world might be the prudent course of action.

Whatever you do, keep praying! And listen to your father, he has been given grace from God to advise you in this matter.

Also consider that the college experience is not really designed around young married couples. I know a few couples who did this and the last 2 years of college were very difficult for them because socially they didn’t really fit in anymore. Marriage is tough enough without trying to meld it with the college experience.

God bless!
 
My parents met when they were in high school, and were 19& 21 when they got married, and I was born 9-1/2 months later. Not quite a month ago, they celebrated their 39th. At the time, my father was in the Coast Guard (later went to college), and finances were tight.

Statistics may give broad pictures, but they cannot be used as predictives for a particular case. What matters is whether you have the willingness to accept children if you should be so blessed, an understanding of what marriage is (not just a license to have sex), and an ability to make firm commitments.
 
At the risk of sounding to simplistic I am going to give you the advice I got, and it is wonderful advice:

“Pray and then do as you will” St. Augustine

If you are prayerful Catholics, live a life in the sacraments, are in a state of grace, and desire God’s will for your relationship more than your own you can trust that your decision is God’s decision for you.

Our Father is not a masochist. He will not allow you to choose incorrectly if this is not the time to marry. If you pray and decide that your joy lies in marriage at this time it is because he wants this for you both. GO FOR IT! Dare to discern the will of God for your life and act on it, decisively!

May God bless you both!
 
To all of you who responded–THANK YOU!

I did not expect such an extensive and marvelous response. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to type out your thoughts on this and post a reply. I was both overwhelmed and filled with gratitude for your responses. I will show all of them to my fiance, Joseph, and we will prayerfully consider all of your suggestions.

God Bless,
Melissa
 
St Veronica:
Since you are faithful/devout Catholics then I assume you will be using natural family planning and not artificial birth control. If you haven’t taken a class on this, be sure you do!

Since you are faithful and devout Catholics then I trust you realize that we are not to prevent conception unless there are grave reasons to do so.

So one can only assume that you will become pregnant (barring any fertility issues) at some point prior to your graduation from college. How will this effect your studies?
SV
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Yes, we will be using natural family planning and not artificial birth control. We have been studying JPII’s Theology of the Body and researching NFP on the internet. We plan on taking a class on it as well.

I do realize that we are not to prevent conception unless there is a grave reason, but I am having difficulty in understanding what constitutes a grave reason. I have heard different things from different people. Would attending college be a grave reason? Is this a reason not to marry? We look forward to having children, and will definitely welcome any that we are blessed with–this is not an issue. Would it be wrong to attempt to postpone the birth of children until after we graduate? I would appreciate thoughts on this.
 
Both of you should wait and finish your present carreer of eduucation and preparing yourselves to enter into the world. As others have said, marriage is for having children. This is the prime reason to get married. The two of you should find out what the Church says about working mothers. You can access encylicals on the Internet. I would urge you to read Famillaris Consortio, Par. 23., Casti Conubii, Par. 75. and Laborem Excerns, par. 19.4. In fact you and Joseph should read the entire Casti Conubii and Humanae Vitae together. In short, the Church in her wisdom condemns the practice of working wives and mothers. Be patient and wait, it will be worthwhile. You will have a far better married life if you finish school. God Bless
 
Christopher West has a pretty good introductory-type article on these issues here:
christopherwest.com/article4.htm

Here’s probably the most germane section:
"So what constitutes a “serious reason” for avoiding a child? Here’s where the discussion typically gets heated. Correct thinking (ortho-doxy) on the issue of responsible parenthood, like all issues, is a matter of maintaining important distinctions and carefully balancing various truths. Failure to do so leads to errors on both extremes.

An example of one such error is the “hyper-pious” notion that if couples really trusted in providence, they would never seek to avoid a child. This simply is not the teaching of the Church. As Karol Wojtyla (John Paul II’s pre-papal name) observed, in some cases “increase in the size of the family would be incompatible with parental duty.”[10] Therefore, as he also affirmed, avoiding children “in certain circumstances may be permissible or even obligatory.”[11]

We are certainly to trust in God’s providence. But this important truth must be balanced with another important truth if we are to avoid the error of a certain “providentialism.” When the devil tempted Christ to jump from the temple, he was correct to say that God would provide for him. The devil was even quoting Scripture! But Christ responded with another truth from Scripture: “You shall not put the Lord your God to the test” (see Lk 4:9-12).

A couple struggling to provide for their existing children should likewise not put God to the test. Today, knowledge of the fertility cycle is part of God’s providence. Thus, couples who make responsible use of that knowledge to avoid pregnancy are trusting in God’s providence. They, no less than a couple “who prudently and generously decide to have a large family,”[12] are practicing responsible parenthood."
 
So, I guess there’s still plenty of grey area in this stuff, but but here’s my take on it: the Church has no problem with parents being educated, both because it often makes them more able to provide for their families, as well as for the sake of knowledge of God’s creation. So, in my mind it’s no sin to try to avoid pregnancy using NFP in order to complete your education.

That being said, part of why there seem to be no hard and fast rules of thumb for “serious reasons” is that it’s something that you just kind of “get a feel for” when you practice NFP. One of the great things about it is that you have to reevaluate what “serious reasons” means to you every month. And to be honest, there’s a good chance you will end up deciding that completing your education–at least via the more traditional route–isn’t a serious enough reason for you to avoid pregnancy after all. It’s not a problem with NFP, it’s just you being open to your vocational discernment.
 
The passage from Christopher West speaks about a married couple, not a couple who is contemplating marriage. Obviously, when married circumstances come up that are serious enough to postpone pregnancy. It seems to me that if a reason is serious enough to use NFP, then it’s also serious enough to postpone marriage. I think it would be hard to imagine a circumstance where the reason is serious enough to postpone children but NOT serious enough to postpone the marriage.

One key point: Marriage is intricately designed by God. This design has two people living together and being joined by their first child usually 9-12 months after marriage. Although, it may be tough economically, the baby strengthens the marriage.

One point I would like to reiterate from my earlier post:

Listen carefully to your father’s advice. As your father, he is given special graces to advise you on these matters and because of that his opinion should weigh heavily.
 
I’m with Ham…

Perhaps the Holy Spirit is speaking to you – thru your Dad and the Church.

You guys are preparing for life – smartly I might add. But marriage is life. I’m not belittling your present lives, but marriage is a calling that will (and should) take all you’ve got.
 
The previous posts have answered many or most of the pro’s and cons of marraige in your 20’s and before completing your education. My biggest concern would be finding a job in the carrer of your choosing. Most of my friends have children that have graduated from colleges in the past few years with good grades and from good colleges and with a wide variety of degrees - education, business, agriculture, accounting, advertising, computer science, and they can not find employment in their chosen fields. Many have boomeranged back home and are working at low paying jobs until that time comes when they get their break. Are you prepared for this? Can anyone be prepared for this???
blessings
 
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MelissaMarie:
Yes, we will be using natural family planning and not artificial birth control. We have been studying JPII’s Theology of the Body and researching NFP on the internet. We plan on taking a class on it as well.

I do realize that we are not to prevent conception unless there is a grave reason, but I am having difficulty in understanding what constitutes a grave reason. I have heard different things from different people. Would attending college be a grave reason? Is this a reason not to marry? We look forward to having children, and will definitely welcome any that we are blessed with–this is not an issue. Would it be wrong to attempt to postpone the birth of children until after we graduate? I would appreciate thoughts on this.
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The conjugal act in the Sacrament of Matrimony is the means by which the graces associated with the Sacrament are transmitted to the husband and wife. Therefore, the act should not become just a sexual encounter for personal satisfaction, nor should God’s intended use of this gift be comprimised. Again I urge that you and your future husband read “Humanae Vitea”, Paragraph 16 answers all your questions. Encyclicals are your best source for information, the teachings are infallibale because they come from the Holy Father, *ex cathedra. *
Always pray to the Holy Spirit for the gift understanding before entering the world of encyclicals. God Bless
 
I had to leave before I finished the last thread. I strongly urge you and any Catholic to read Familliaris Consortio, Castii Conubii, Humanae Vitea. These are not documents spelling out more Catholic rules and regulations, they are the prescription for the perfect marriage. If you are interested in the very best life and a long and joyous marriage, take the presciption. The Holy Father has taken a great deal of time to describe God’s will for the married. Remember, “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven”. If marriages are made in heaven then these are the owner’s manual. We have been married 47 years, and I only dicovered these little books 4 years ago and was hit with the fact that 43 of those years were just ok and I was deeply saddened that we didn’t know about God’s plan when we got married. Life would have been so much better! The priest never told us about the during marriage prep. We were married just before my 20th birthday and my wife was 18. By 23, we had 4 children. At one time, I had a full time job and 2 part time jobs and went to school in the evening.
Marriage, I have discovered, is a vocation, just like the priesthood, but a whole lot more complicated. Take your time, get prepared and enjoy your life together the way that God has intended for you. God Bless
 
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MelissaMarie:
Yes, we will be using natural family planning and not artificial birth control. We have been studying JPII’s Theology of the Body and researching NFP on the internet. We plan on taking a class on it as well.

I do realize that we are not to prevent conception unless there is a grave reason, but I am having difficulty in understanding what constitutes a grave reason. I have heard different things from different people. Would attending college be a grave reason? Is this a reason not to marry? We look forward to having children, and will definitely welcome any that we are blessed with–this is not an issue. Would it be wrong to attempt to postpone the birth of children until after we graduate? I would appreciate thoughts on this.
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I would talk to an orthodox (I can’t stress that word enough) priest about it. On the surface of it, no I don’t think waiting to graduate from college would be considered a ‘grave reason’.

Simply put, if you aren’t ready for children right NOW (afterall God’s will may give you a child, NPF or not), then you should postpone marriage until you are ready.

Secondly…have you both discussed who is going to care for the children? Are you willing to put your career on hold for several years while you raise your children?

These are hard choices…when both parents have careers it is hard on the family…one of the worst things femminism has done is lie to women and tell them they can have it all and do it all.

It is impossible, something is neglected and it can often end up being the family instead of the job.

I speak from experience (I have grown children). 🙂

SV
 
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