Too young to Marry?

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ironman62292

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Right now Im 19 turning 20 in a week and my girlfriend is 23. We’ve been dating for about 3 years now and have seriously been talking about marriage. We each agree that in a year or two of time we may reach that point of maturity and responsibility needed to make that leap.

My concerns are not so much with marriage in itself, I think with a little more prayer and work we will soon reach the point of having sufficient understanding of what marriage is truly all about.

My concerns are with the practicals. Where to live, money, etc. I thought of asking my parents to live in their basement for a year or two while I finish college and find a job. This coming fall I’ll be a junior in college and I have a somewhat dead end job at a restaurant.

Again I would plan to propose around this time next year meaning I’d be entering my senior year. In following church law we would wait a minimum of 6 months to maybe a year for the wedding itself meaning I would be finishing or be finished with college unless I require another year to complete my double major, which is likely.

I know little of wedding costs, little about paying for or financing an engagement ring, little about finding a house or apartment, little about many things.

Can anyone offer any suggestions, warnings, etc? I’m 99.9% sure my vocation is to marry her and I can’t wait for the day! I love her so very much!
 
I hope you aren’t thinking seriously of living as a married couple in your parents’ basement!

:eek:

So I surmise from your ages that you were 17 and she was 20 when you first began dating? Hmmmmm…

Is she Catholic? Is she nearly done with college? What are her career plans? I think the male should support his family, not the other way around, so I’m a little concerned that she is farther along in the process than you are.

How do your families feel about this?

I would advise you to wait until you are finished with college to marry. I’m sure it isn’t easy to wait, since you are so convinced this young lady is the one for you. But you’re just leaving your teens behind. You have time.
 
She is Catholic. And I’m further along in college than she is, she’s a non traditional student. As a married couple with almost nothing where would you go? My parents lived with my grandparents when they were first married. I’ve heard a lot of multigenerational homes like that.
 
A wedding does not have to cost a lot of money. You need the couple, a priest, and two witnesses. You do not need a lot of expensive “stuff” to get married. Same for a ring. You can purchase simple wedding bands. A nice diamond can come later, on an anniversary, when you have more $.

Marrying young can be great and it can be difficult. I have many friends who married at a young age. But they did not have a big wedding, a big ring, or any of that. They got rings later, took a honeymoon trip on their 10th anniversary, etc.

If you do not know much about managing money, get some books from the library such as Dave Ramsey, Suzie Orman, etc.

What does she say about it? What are here career plans? Yours?
 
I never thought of all of that, thanks 1ke. As far as her career plans, she hopes to finish college someday in Occupational Therapy. As for myself I’m working on a major in Psychology and possibly a double major in Social Work with a minor in Spanish. I hope to work wherever my skills are needed and wherever God calls me.
 
If you are serious about college, finish first, then get married.

You only have 2 more years of college, correct? If you do love each other enough to be married, then a two year wait isn’t that long.
 
I could care less about college, I’ve seen married couples do the college thing. What’s more important is how serious you are…ignore the mushy gushy feelings, when you get into a horrible fight, can you at-the-end-of-the-day come together and resolve your differences?

My advice is, ask how committed you two are, cause if you truly are…college won’t mean jack-diddly-squat.

This garbage about “wait before you get married” is more secularism junk. It is designed to brainwash you into thinking, ‘there is something better out there’ if you just wait…then the years pass by, ----that great guy/girl has already left you married and had a family---- and you find yourself 40 and wondering “Where did all the good men/women go, Why am I still alone and miserable?”.

If you two are serious, get married. Cause trust me dealing with college is peanuts compared to dealing with a spouse dying of cancer.
 
Austenboston you are totally right. And we are. We barely have arguments but when we do they are always resolved. Neither of us like to end the day upset with each other. Perhaps marriage would make our college experience better. We are pass the stage of mushy gushy feelings, and are now focused on exactly what you said, the true meaning of love.
 
austenbosten said:
I could care less about college, I’ve seen married couples do the college thing. What’s more important is how serious you are…ignore the mushy gushy feelings, when you get into a horrible fight, can you at-the-end-of-the-day come together and resolve your differences?

My advice is, ask how committed you two are, cause if you truly are…college won’t mean jack-diddly-squat.

This garbage about “wait before you get married” is more secularism junk. It is designed to brainwash you into thinking, ‘there is something better out there’ if you just wait…then the years pass by, ----that great guy/girl has already left you married and had a family---- and you find yourself 40 and wondering “Where did all the good men/women go, Why am I still alone and miserable?”.

If you two are serious, get married. Cause trust me dealing with college is peanuts compared to dealing with a spouse dying of cancer.
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You know, the more you post here, the more I like you.

🙂
 
Marriage at your age and in your personal situation is definitely workable. Why don’t you two talk to one of your pastors about the Pre-Cana program and see how you feel about things in six months or so?

I was 18 and my wife was 20 when we married civilly. My only regret is choosing to marry outside of the Church. Despite that irreverent foolishness, the act of committing ourselves to one another for life strengthened our relationship, education, careers, and finances.
 
If it’s God’s call for the two of you to get married, then I think you have to follow that call regardless of what your material situation is right now (God will provide for what you need if He is truly calling you to this vocation right now).

I think if you have completely separated yourself from lust and are truly contemplating marriage because you see it as your path to sanctity (and it’s the same for your girlfriend) I think it would be wrong to put marriage off once God has given you the confidence in your vocation. Marriage is a holy sacrament and while there are many reasons not to marry a particular person, a lack of material possessions is not a good one!
 
We got married as college students- we kept to a very strict budget, ate lots of beans, rice, PB and J, and attended lots of free events/dates at the park!

One can live on min wage- I’ve done it. It’s very no frills, but you can survive. My concern would be health insurance (does school offer something).

If you choose to get married, you should expect to be a unit on your own, not expecting handouts from parents. It’s nice if they offer, but a lot of our marriage formation is in that first year, and it is beneficial to be on your own, without the influence of parents in developing your routines/how to handle things.

I also know a lot of multi gen. families, and it’s not always roses, especially when it’s by necessity. Your spouse is your spouse; I see an element of being afraid of offence often at work between DIL/MIL and SIL/FIL’s. It’s nice to be able to kiss your spouse however you want/wherever you want in the house, etc. That’s a good thing about living on your own!
 
Aggies08 said:
We got married as college students- we kept to a very strict budget, ate lots of beans, rice, PB and J, and attended lots of free events/dates at the park!

One can live on min wage- I’ve done it. It’s very no frills, but you can survive. My concern would be health insurance (does school offer something).

If you choose to get married, you should expect to be a unit on your own, not expecting handouts from parents. It’s nice if they offer, but a lot of our marriage formation is in that first year, and it is beneficial to be on your own, without the influence of parents in developing your routines/how to handle things.
Click to expand...
Haha you were on the Dave Ramsey Beans 'n Rice diet plan ehh? 😛
 
austenbosten said:
Haha you were on the Dave Ramsey Beans 'n Rice diet plan ehh? 😛
Click to expand...
Yup, but our finances are excellent today 😃 I don’t like his investing, but his getting/staying out of debt advice, and general financial organization tips are great for beginners!
 
austenbosten said:
I could care less about college, I’ve seen married couples do the college thing. What’s more important is how serious you are…ignore the mushy gushy feelings, when you get into a horrible fight, can you at-the-end-of-the-day come together and resolve your differences?

My advice is, ask how committed you two are, cause if you truly are…college won’t mean jack-diddly-squat.

This garbage about “wait before you get married” is more secularism junk. It is designed to brainwash you into thinking, ‘there is something better out there’ if you just wait…then the years pass by, ----that great guy/girl has already left you married and had a family---- and you find yourself 40 and wondering “Where did all the good men/women go, Why am I still alone and miserable?”.

If you two are serious, get married. Cause trust me dealing with college is peanuts compared to dealing with a spouse dying of cancer.
Click to expand...
So glad to hear someone say something like this. Every time I hear people say “marriage can wait because school is more important” I just cringe. Uh… marriage is vastly more important than school. Yes school gives you an education and career opportunities, but God calls us to marriage. I’ve never heard of a vocation to education 🤷

To OP, my wife and I got married 3 months after she started college and when I was in my sophomore year. When we first got married we lived in her uncle’s garage, then moved into my mom’s basement and paid rent. We eventually took over her mortgage payments when she went to take care of my grandfather. For various reasons I did not finish my bachelors degree until 14 years after we got married. Looking back at the past 21 years and my marriage and children are infinitely more important to me than saying I finished my degree.

Now to be fair, I lucked into a good job about a month before we got married. It happened to be in a career field that pays well, but where a degree is not strictly required. Yes being young, married and (relatively) broke was difficult, but I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.
 
ironman62292 said:
Right now Im 19 turning 20 in a week and my girlfriend is 23. We’ve been dating for about 3 years now and have seriously been talking about marriage. We each agree that in a year or two of time we may reach that point of maturity and responsibility needed to make that leap.

My concerns are not so much with marriage in itself, I think with a little more prayer and work we will soon reach the point of having sufficient understanding of what marriage is truly all about.

My concerns are with the practicals. Where to live, money, etc. I thought of asking my parents to live in their basement for a year or two while I finish college and find a job. This coming fall I’ll be a junior in college and I have a somewhat dead end job at a restaurant.

Again I would plan to propose around this time next year meaning I’d be entering my senior year. In following church law we would wait a minimum of 6 months to maybe a year for the wedding itself meaning I would be finishing or be finished with college unless I require another year to complete my double major, which is likely.

I know little of wedding costs, little about paying for or financing an engagement ring, little about finding a house or apartment, little about many things.

Can anyone offer any suggestions, warnings, etc? I’m 99.9% sure my vocation is to marry her and I can’t wait for the day! I love her so very much!
Click to expand...
The cost of the actual wedding is the least of your concerns. The marriage itself is.

Do either of you a way of becoming more gainfully employed right now?
Do either of you have any way of being self-supporting in the next 1-2 years?
Are you two in agreement about finances, debt, careers, and housing? Do you share similar values about these issues?
Do you have insurance and/or a way to pay for it?

My advice - slow down. You’re 19 years old. Marriage will be there when you’re out of school, and if she’s the right woman for you, so will she. Much better, in my opinion, to start married life with at least a modicum of financial and lifestyle stability, especially at your age.

And do yourslf and your future children a favor: FINISH COLLEGE, BOTH OF YOU. I don’t care if you get married tomorrow, but I am here to tell you that unless you have a unique skill set (e.g., some kind of artistic ability, or extraordinary business acumen) or there is a business run by your family you can work in, you are positioning yourself for an adult-hood of struggle and financial instability without training/educational qualifications. In today’s world, even rock-solid qualifications are no guarantee of a decent job, so don’t lessen your odds even more, Okay?

Threads like these are full of stories about grandparents and great-grandparents who married as teens, had lots of kids while living in someone’s spare bedroom or above someone’s garage, and in hindsight their lives were quaintly old-fashioned and romantic.

Let me tell you another version of that story:

My grandparents were married in 1942. She was 18 and he was 19. Everything was fine during the war because he was in the USAF stationed in Europe and she lived on base housing. That was the first three or four years of their married life. The next fifty-five years of their marriage were spent working 12-14 hours a day, seven days a week, busting their humps on their farm. On a good year they had enough left over to put towards a new piece of equipment or pay down a loan on an old one. In a bad year my mom didn’t get to replace her school clothes for stuff that fit and no one went to the dentist until the pain became intolerable. My grandma did triple-duty. She worked on the farm, did all of the housework and cooking (which my mom helped her with when she was old enough to), and she worked 30 hours a week at an RCA factory. My grandma was still working when she died of cancer at 63, and my grandpa retired in his early 70s and died a year later.

So yeah, I think if we resurected grandpa and asked him if he regreted not using his GI bill to go to college or get a skill we’d know what he’d say.

Marriage is important, right? Then do it right. Do it when you’re mature and stable and able to take care of yourself, your spouse, and all the kids you’re going to have emotionally, spiritually, and financially.

Luna
 
I agree with the posters who have written that marriage is more important than school. It is. Now, as it happens, I did not meet my now-husband until I was a junior in college, and we got engaged in the summer between our junior and senior years. So I did happen to finish college before we married. We graduated on Monday and got married on Friday of the same week. 😃 We neither of us had jobs or anything.

That was 15 years ago. We have six children now, have a house, and we are very glad we did not wait longer.
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
The cost of the actual wedding is the least of your concerns. The marriage itself is.

Do either of you a way of becoming more gainfully employed right now?
Do either of you have any way of being self-supporting in the next 1-2 years?
Are you two in agreement about finances, debt, careers, and housing? Do you share similar values about these issues?
Do you have insurance and/or a way to pay for it?

My advice - slow down. You’re 19 years old. Marriage will be there when you’re out of school, and if she’s the right woman for you, so will she. Much better, in my opinion, to start married life with at least a modicum of financial and lifestyle stability, especially at your age.

And do yourslf and your future children a favor: FINISH COLLEGE, BOTH OF YOU. I don’t care if you get married tomorrow, but I am here to tell you that unless you have a unique skill set (e.g., some kind of artistic ability, or extraordinary business acumen) or there is a business run by your family you can work in, you are positioning yourself for an adult-hood of struggle and financial instability without training/educational qualifications. In today’s world, even rock-solid qualifications are no guarantee of a decent job, so don’t lessen your odds even more, Okay?

Threads like these are full of stories about grandparents and great-grandparents who married as teens, had lots of kids while living in someone’s spare bedroom or above someone’s garage, and in hindsight their lives were quaintly old-fashioned and romantic.

Let me tell you another version of that story:

My grandparents were married in 1942. She was 18 and he was 19. Everything was fine during the war because he was in the USAF stationed in Europe and she lived on base housing. That was the first three or four years of their married life. The next fifty-five years of their marriage were spent working 12-14 hours a day, seven days a week, busting their humps on their farm. On a good year they had enough left over to put towards a new piece of equipment or pay down a loan on an old one. In a bad year my mom didn’t get to replace her school clothes for stuff that fit and no one went to the dentist until the pain became intolerable. My grandma did triple-duty. She worked on the farm, did all of the housework and cooking (which my mom helped her with when she was old enough to), and she worked 30 hours a week at an RCA factory. My grandma was still working when she died of cancer at 63, and my grandpa retired in his early 70s and died a year later.

So yeah, I think if we resurected grandpa and asked him if he regreted not using his GI bill to go to college or get a skill we’d know what he’d say.

Marriage is important, right? Then do it right. Do it when you’re mature and stable and able to take care of yourself, your spouse, and all the kids you’re going to have emotionally, spiritually, and financially.

Luna
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Excellent post, and I’m saying this as someone who married at 18 and is about to finish college. If you must get married young, don’t let it ruin your educational or vocational future.
 
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