Topics for engaged couples to discuss--Imput needed

[Rach620]

I was referring to my previous post, where I brought up the really hard issues about how a couple would handle if one becomes disabled, if they are infertile (do they believe IVF is ok for Catholics), what would they do if and when they had a baby they found out the baby had a physical handicap or learning disability in vitro, etc, etc. Those are the deal breakers I was referring to, and those situations can and have broken up what seemed like the best of marriages. I’m not talking about the stuff most couples deal with on a daily basis. I’ve seen marriages of friends break up over these kind of issues, becasue they never took the time to talk about such stuff, because they never, ever thought the unthinkable would happen to them and were blindsided and heartbroken that their spouse didn’t agree with them.

I’m sorry for my misunderstanding. On these “deal breaker” type issues, though, wouldn’t a better indicator be the prospective spouse’s orthodoxy/faithfulness to Catholic teaching? My husband and I have struggled with infertility for over a year now and did not discuss exactly how we would approach infertility before marriage. But we use NFP and accept the Church’s teachings on the sanctity of human life, so IVF and abortion are entirely out of the question. Neither one of us had opinions on adoption firmly set in stone before our wedding–our view is of openness to receiving children as gifts from God, however He decides to give them.

We talked about these basic moral values loooooong before we were engaged, and these values are what allow us to approach whatever struggles come our way, not the experience of having specifically discussed each and every what-if scenario before the wedding. I would never even consider getting engaged, much less married, to a man about whom I have little idea of what his moral (or religious or political, for that matter) beliefs are, even if we’ve discussed every hypothetical in the book and seem to have personality compatibility. At the same time, I think it’s perfectly fine to not discuss every little thing with one’s prospective spouse, as most opinions are open to change, so long as they do not violate basic moral values.

I guess this all just goes to show how bewildering it can be to not have a moral standard by which one lives.

But do we know for sure how we would react in these situations when we are getting engaged? Once again, talking about these things is certainly good. Yet, I would not ascribe much validity to the answers to these questions when given outside of the real context of a situation like this. They may serve as a guidepost, but they are not a map to a good marriage.

Thus, I would not decide to marry or not marry based on whether or not you agree on infertility with your fiance. You may find that there are things that you agree on now that you will not agree on in the future. You may find that there are things you do not agree on now that you will agree on in the future. The basis for marriage must go far deeper than a compatibility test.

Talk about these and other issues—Yes!

Decide to get married based on them—No!

Change, I totally agree with this entire post, particularly the bolded parts. As I said earlier, with the single caveat of “if they don’t agree with the Church, this does not apply,” so many of our ideas about how we want to live our lives are incredibly malleable–and they should be. I tend to think that discussing who will stay at home with the kids, how many kids one wants to have, parenting styles, where you will live, etc. can tend to make couples think that they are able to plan every detail of their lives and live according to their plan. If marriage has taught me anything, it’s that God is in control of our lives–we can plan all we want, but it’s of little matter if we are not discerning HIS plan for our lives.

Those eHarmony commercials are really a travesty in this regard. You can have thousands upon thousands of areas of personality compatibility, but if you do not have an understanding that marriage is a lifelong covenant and that you are called to sacrifice yourself for your spouse, you’re not going to make it.

 

[ChangeWorkPeace]

If marriage has taught me anything, it’s that God is in control of our lives–we can plan all we want, but it’s of little matter if we are not discerning HIS plan for our lives.

Those eHarmony commercials are really a travesty in this regard. You can have thousands upon thousands of areas of personality compatibility, but if you do not have an understanding that marriage is a lifelong covenant and that you are called to sacrifice yourself for your spouse, you’re not going to make it.

Right. I am not advocating not talking about important issues. I am just warning against developing a false confidence that what is said today will apply in perpetuity.

Everyone has core values that would be very difficult to compromise. I assume that getting to an engagement, for someone as plan-oriented as the OP was, many of these have been dealt with. The purpose of the list of questions seemed to be as a source of planning for the future to avoid possible conflicts. This is great, but realize that conflicts are still going to happen. They may happen around the list of issues that you thought you once agreed upon. That’s life. That’s marriage. Crazy, huh?

Likewise, if there is a disagreement in the list of issues, please don’t automatically rule out marriage. Definitely pray and further discuss disagreements, but do not think that a disagreement, even on a big issue, is a sure sign of divorce or the sole reason to cancel an engagement (though it may be one of many). Guaranteed, you are going to have a disagreement about an important issue some day. That’s life. That’s marriage. Crazy, huh?

Why do we get married again?

 

[e3342]

Hey guys. So my fiance and i took the Focus test. We relaized it is a great starting point for convestations but it is not complete. I want to buy a book of questions to ask before you married but i couldn’t find one at the book store so i am turning to you guys. What topics do you think are important to ask before heading down the isle?

Questions we have discussed
1.) Finances (Joint checking, paying off loans, how we track and pay bills)
2.) Where to live and what our goal are (ie the style of house, the number of roms, location etc)
3.) End of life (life-support, organ donation, where to be buried)
4.) Raising kids
5.) Staying at home ( We both agree that this is something that we can only talk about in general because no matter how many plans we make they could change but we want to have a clear path on what avenues we would agree to take like homeschooling especially until we pay off my law school loan or which one might stay home.)
6.) Faith (both of us are catholic, we go to the same parish so our kids will be raised catholic.)
7.) Pets (maybe a dog but no cats and none right away)
8.) Jobs (what are goals are for our careers)

I know ther are other areas but what are they?

Also how does one talk about sex in the abstract? This was one of the problems with the focus test. It asked sexual questions under the unasumption that you are having sex. “I am uncomfortable about some sexual activities my marriage partner may ask of me.”…How am i (we) suppose to know the answer to this? We aren’t having sex or anything close to it. I can’t say that i won’t do something yet. So how does one talk about sex when you don’t have any experiences or expectations of what it will be like?

Thanks for all your help!

You need to ask what each other’s definition of fidelity is. After 30 years, I found out that my husband thought that having a naked woman grinding on his lap, with him being able to put his hands almost anywhere, and his mouth on her breasts, constituted fidelity to me because they did not have intercourse. I wish I had known this 30 years ago.

 

[beckers]

You need to ask what each other’s definition of fidelity is. After 30 years, I found out that my husband thought that having a naked woman grinding on his lap, with him being able to put his hands almost anywhere, and his mouth on her breasts, constituted fidelity to me because they did not have intercourse. I wish I had known this 30 years ago.

Oh my… Thats horrible.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. We got our results back and have been meeting with deacon for our marriage prep.

 

[Ponyguy]

Why do we get married again?

Temporary insanity.