Torn btw dh and sister

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As most of you know, my sister has suffered greatly because of what her ex is doing to her and their children. It is a great custody battle to say the least. Well, I told her of a vacation spot in Ohio, Catholic Familyland, and now she really “needs” to go. She said she needs this time with God and that closeness and so does her children. My problem is that my dh and I were going to take her with us, for she can’t afford it otherwise, but dh doesn’t want to go and it is actually against doctor’s order for him to make a long car drive. It is 15 hours from her, Orlando, to where we want to go in Ohio. My sister wants me to leave my husband behind because he would enjoy himself anyway. He is not an outdoor kid of guy and is very overweight, not to mention his many aches and pains. DH said that he doesn’t want me to go without him because of the danger in traveling us women alone with kids.

Part of me knows that I can’t do the long car ride either, I have my aches and pains also, and part of me wants to please my sister. I could do the ride, but we would have to stop every hour to walk for 10 minutes. I don’t know if we can make it in one day and that is all we do have. My sister won’t go alone for she is not good with directions or reading a map and I was going to do that for her.

I feel torn and know that my sister and her kids could really benefit from a vacation, but one that includes God. Should I go alone with my sister, against dh’s wishes? What would you do? Just so you know, I am leaning to not going, but just wanted to hear your advice.
 
Your husband comes before your sister.

Your sister is an adult and can find a way to have a “vacation” without all the drama and inconvenience to you and your husband. You are not responsible for her choices and her issues.

Suggest a family outing close to home-- she can take it or leave it.
 
I agree with 1ke. Your DH comes first. I would not go against his wishes. Your DS will have to go to plan B.
 
Abide by your husband’s wishes. Absolutely.

But at the same time, discuss that matter with him! Tell him how you feel; that you want to go without him, and why.

After you are both done discussing it - truly hearing what the other has to say - without putting up your defenses and arguing small points - after you both truly understand where the other is coming from, then pray about it together.

Pray about it together until you both feel comfortable with with whatever decision you ultimately make together. If the decision is made prayerfully, then surely God was involved in the decision making process and the final say will benefit your sister as well as your marraige!
 
Archerette74 said:
Abide by your husband’s wishes. Absolutely.

But at the same time, discuss that matter with him! Tell him how you feel; that you want to go without him, and why.

After you are both done discussing it - truly hearing what the other has to say - without putting up your defenses and arguing small points - after you both truly understand where the other is coming from, then pray about it together.

Pray about it together until you both feel comfortable with with whatever decision you ultimately make together. If the decision is made prayerfully, then surely God was involved in the decision making process and the final say will benefit your sister as well as your marraige!
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I wish we could do what you suggest here. I look for the day when our marriage would be one where we pray about something or a situation together. My dh is not there yet. From what I see, he doesn’t pray much anyway. He has many issues, emotional, mental and physical. I did tell him how I felt and that two women can drive across America safely, but he doesn’t agree. He doesn’t have a problem with going on vacation with my sister and her kids for we have been on two vacations with them. He sympathizes with her situation of not having a husband and going through hell with her ex. He just can’t make the long trip. I asked if he could go by plane and we could pick him up at the airport, but he still doesn’t want us to go across America without a man.

I talked with my sister and she is fine with it and accepts it as God’s will. She was not angry. She was upset last night emotionally and was crying. She just needs to be closer to God. I told her that she can do that here, but she worries about her children and this place is for the entire family and not just the adults. Her kids need a good father figure also and lots of love.
All is fine now. We are not going, unless my dh changes his mind.
 
As a wife, I would be very upset and hurt if my dh told me that he was going somewhere with a friend brother, without me, even when I had mentioned that I did not want to go and did not want him to go without me. He would be choosing a sibling over a marriage, the family that he had started with me. Please do not put your husband through the hurt of being put on the back burner to your sister. And please don’t attempt to change his mind through guilt. Not going is a decision you made, for your family (kudos to you by the way 👍 ) and just leave it at that unless he truly changes his mind of his own accord.

God bless!
 
I agree with kquinn. Putting your dh in that situation is sooo wrong. I just went through that this month and let me tell you it’s not fun and I know how your dh must feel. My dh was going to go to a trip w/his sister, to which I was inveted, but they invited people I didn’t really like, people that are anti-Catholic and always try to make ill-comments to bother me and stir up my faith. So I told dh I didn’t feel like going because of it, and he said “tough, I’m going”. I felt betrayed. I felt as though he wasn’t keeping to his marriage vows. He was putting his sisters and friends first and putting me and my feelings last. I felt horrible. I tried explaining many times to him how it made me feel. Then I told him I wouldn’t be too happy if he went without me. He was even angrier at that than my not wanting to go. He just didn’t see that I wanted my dh to stay with me, and that we could go another time with his sisters when those people weren’t present. We argued for 3 wks on this. I wrote him a letter explaining to him how I was feeling, how I felt as though he still puts his other family before me: his new family, how I was miserable and felt so depressed because he always thought about my feelings last instead of first. He rather hurt me than his sisters.

Don’t do this, you should stay with your dh and do something close to home with all of them. It’s for the best for your marriage. Believe me, it made me feel great when my dh decided to stay with me, even though he wanted to go and not upset his sisters and friends. Besides, his sisters don’t like me much, they’ve treated me horribly, and dh couldn’t see that, until I told him to pay attention to the way they treat me. Well, turns out he just had a dream telling them off for treating me badly… which makes me happy because I can see that he does care about what I feel. 😃 Your dh will show his appreciation if you stay and have your sister come closer to your town and go somewhere nearby. He’ll feel important and will not feel as though you put your other family first. Your dh should always come before your other family. The Bible even says so, I rather do as God says to do, and put dh first. After all, he is my family and we will be having our own family one day…
Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word. That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. **For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. **This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
–Ephesians 5:21-33
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Just my :twocents:
 
Please let me clarify that I never said that I was going to go without my husband. That was my sister’s wish and not mine. I told her and my dh that I wanted to go and wanted him to go. My dh didn’t want to go for several reasons but mostly because the hotels were all booked and he did not want to stay in a cabin on the property of Familyland because their is no TV and other luxurys. He just did not want to make that sacrifice. I have had this happen too many times and one time it was when we were visiting a priest for counseling and had to stay in a hotel. He wanted the more expensive and luxurious hotel and I wanted to save money and stay at one that was nice, but not so expensive. We have arguments over money a lot. He likes to spend and spend and I like to save. Even the priest noticed that he was “spoiled” and those were his words to me about my dh and not mine. This is just one of our marital problems.

I never said I would go without him. I wanted him to go. He would have if there was a hotel room available, but all the hotels were booked, even to near by cities. I realize we are to listen to our dh’s and all that, but I do believe he needs to respect me also. When I first married him, he was very controlling. He hated how I was close to my parents and sisters. He would get jealous and very very angry if I talked with one of them on the phone, for we lived in different states then. I had dinner always ready when he got home, but still he had so much anger. We found out later that he needed medications and I found out he was abused as a child. He came into the marriage with a lot, I mean a lot of emotional baggage. He kept his childhood a secret on purpose and I found that out after we were married. I had no respect for him in the beginning of our marriage because I would get yelled out and screamed out for things that were not in my control. He was unreasonable and irrational. He can be this way at times still, but is so much better. We did not argue about this trip. I knew in my heart that if he didn’t want to go, I would not be going. I felt more pressure from myself and felt I had to be there for my sister as well. No one put pressure on me except me. I like to please people, even if it means not doing what I want to do, but this time, I could not please both of them at the same time. My sister, as I said before, is fine with this and admires my devotion to my dh. She would never come between us because she knows the agony of divorce first hand.

I will say that I was proud of my dh for not losing his temper in all this. He would have years ago, but like I said he has come a long way. Anger is still one of his problems, but depression is worse. He focus on his childhood is one that he can’t seem to let go. He resents his mother, even though he says he has forgiven her. I don’t know why he is so unhappy, but he has been this way since I mean him. At first, before marrying him, I thought it was because his mother was giving him a terrible time about his Catholic Faith. They would fight and he would call me crying and I would go pick him up for he didn’t have a car then. He was a mess, but all I knew was that he was this way because his mother hates the Church and he was a seminarian at the time. Now that I know his mother better, hatred towards the Church is an under statement. Oh well I am getting off the topic. Again, I will be staying and listening and respecting my dh’s choice. Thanks again to all.
 
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