Torn..or am I?

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I am starting to really miss my ex-boyfriend, and it seems like he is turning into someone else. At least he is providing a persona online that is very different from how i knew him, and it’s really sad. I know I shouldn’t, but I feel responsible. I feel so horrible for causing him so much pain. He’s the only person who doesn’t make me uncomfortable when he cries in front of me…the only one I know how to love, and I lost him because I can’t figure my life out. I knew he had certain tendencies to be enamored of certain things but now they seem to really be coming out. I want to talk to him when I go home but I don’t know when will be the right time to ask him if he’d be willing to get together–sooner, or closer to when I get home? I know that it wouldn’t be “too late” for anything because that’s not how God works, but I am still so worried.
Time away has shown me many of the flaws in our relationship, and when I think of being with him again I feel kind of anxious and constricted, but…the love still remains. And by ignoring me he seems to be deliberately trying to strangle his remaining love for me. Love doesn’t just die, right? 😦
I just want to see him again, regardless of what happens. I honestly don’t care. I feel like I need to see him to know. He’ll probably say no when I ask, but I really hope not.
It’s so hard to keep going forward, each day, to try and do well in school and get enough sleep to get anything out of class. Every time I start to feel better, something else happens that makes me feel my broken heart again.
I just don’t understand why I can’t just figure things out. Why I can never ever trust myself and why I can’t have just one thing I want…just one thing. I usually only ask God for things when I am suffering in some way, or for protection for me or people I love. I don’t want a life without my ex-boyfriend in it. But I don’t think we are ever going to get back together and I don’t think we should… this is the only thing I’ve ever cared so much about, ever, in my whole life. 😦
And when I do figure some things out, they’re not what I want to hear. It’s just the hard truth…I haven’t had a picture perfect life but nothing has ever happened to me that showed me in so many ways and on so many different levels, just how hard life is.
 
You wrote: "I don’t want a life without my ex-boyfriend in it. But I don’t think we are ever going to get back together and I don’t think we should… " and “I’ve never been anywhere near a convent that I know of and only know about the life through research”

Sympathy. I have been depressed too, and pondered both matrimony and holy orders. It is difficult to find a potential spouse because we form attachments, sometimes, and not uncommonly today, because of physical intimacy rather than chastity. (I am not making any assumptions or statements about you here.) In my own experience I know that a great attachment can form, with the wrong person, even without a physical relationship.

A great value of the Catholic sacrament of matrimony, is that there is a definition of what consent is, and what is lawful, and if this is understood by potential spouses, early in their relationships, they can be guided towards a good relationship. I say this because matrimony ordains great restraint and love:

1 perpetual, 2 exclusive, 3 good of the children (religious education), 4 lawful (within the Church), 5 mutual

and regarding the physical in mariage

6 chaste union (neither lustful, disrespectful, nor undignified), 7 only when open to children, 8 natural, 9 unselfish (not imposing or harming the partner).

And those receiving holy orders vows, also great restraint and love: poverty, chastity, and obedience. (Contemplative prayers, or active service.)

In many ways these sacraments are alike.

If you consider a religious vocation, do not forget that they are of different types such as contemplative, monastic, cloistered, Apostolic Work.

Read about it here: religiousministries.com/editorial/index.asp#call

Also there are Byzantine Catholic options such as the: Byzantine Nuns of Saint Clare

archeparchy.org/page/archeparchial-offices/vocations/Byzantine_Catholic_Consecrated_Life.pdf

And also lay orders (Third Orders) are a possibility.
 
Thanks for the links, I particularly like the first, it’s really good.
I am starting to think that I just need time away from relationships because of the way they distract me. Funny, because I had decided to do that and a few months later I met my now-ex and fell in real love for the first time. It’s like he was “put there” to make me distracted and go away from God…I get scared that this intense and real love I feel is really not that and that if we stayed together we would be unsaved…or that he is possessed or being used by the evil spirit to lure me…these conspiratorial doubts and thoughts never leave me…I can’t relax…it’s funny because he would make a play or show of being “demonic” or interested in it or having these abilities or thoughts or whatever, but when I actually told him once that he worried me because I thought he maybe was something supernatural, I think I really hurt him…ugh…I really need help 😦
Anyways, I know that it is possible in some way to get rid of a $80-90,000 student loan debt…but that doesn’t count interest… I know there are orgs which help you pay off loans, but that is a LOT of money. And I would feel so guiltily indebted to the generosity! and would never feel good enough for it… I am not patient enough to wait years to pay off my loans to enter the life…though if it’s what is meant then I guess I’ll have to be…I am not a very patient person 😛
Plus, I do have a history of psychiatric difficulties…anxiety, depression, OCD, some other stuff…I’ve been “diagnosed” and have been on medication before, so it’s kind of a record and all…(I feel “too complicated”…like God could never fix me :imsorry:… I don’t know why or where I went so off…I don’t feel loved by God…I feel like no matter what I do I will fail and end up unsaved. If you can understand what I mean, I haven’t been to church in a year and a half but I’m “scrupulous” in personality…sometimes I would rather stay in bed all day than get up and undoubtedly do something bad… I get angry and wonder why, even though I know why intellectually and experience-wise, why I am never allowed to trust myself and my own wants. I remember a counselor I had once looked at me and just made me stop talking because of how horribly I criticized myself. I have such a loving family and friends, but I always feel so unloved and it’s so stupid of me. Etc. etc.)
Kind of seems like I’m not a candidate when you look at these facts of my life…and it’s like I want that to be true. My mean conscience (read my first post to know what I mean by that) berates me and tells me that I just want to run away from my special calling, like Jonah. I am so drawn to it, but also so torn between paths, I just want a “push” in some direction…I told myself that if things didn’t work out with me and my boyfriend then I would “know”…but I still don’t feel like it is truly over. Only if he refuses to see me when I get home will it be truly over for me.
Losing my relationship has posited the idea that a) perhaps for at least this time I am meant to be single and/or b) that there is another person out there…which, in my state, is the last thing I want to hear. I don’t want to doubt God’s ability, but it seems highly, highly unlikely that there could be someone who possesses all of the qualities and connections that I had with my ex PLUS making up for his noncompatibilities…feels like I’m asking too much and that the only being who could be more compatible to me would be…God Himself. Honestly, I like that idea. It’s comforting. :o
I’ve never gone through anything like this before, and the loneliness and pain is sometimes almost unbearable. Thanks for responding.

PS The spiritual director with whom I have made an appt. is a sister, so I think that will be good. And I plan to force myself to go to church this weekend–it’s extra difficult because I would have to take the city bus alone and I live in a really unsafe city…
 
You wrote: “I’ve never gone through anything like this before, and the loneliness and pain is sometimes almost unbearable.”

Yes, it is really hard, I have had such an experience too. Sorry again.

A good question to ask about one you might marry is, “Do we have inner unity and soul harmony?” Practically speaking do they have the purpose, the same religion and follow it? Otherwise there will be constant conflicts, no matter what other liking one has, be it aesthetic, mental unity, vocational likeness, moral inclination, social positon, material greed, or physical attraction. Of course this takes time, and getting too familiar will hinder an detached judgement.

Here is another link about religious orders:

religious-vocation.com/differences_religious_orders.html

I sent the previous link about Byzantine Catholic because they have a different Liturgy than the Latin Catholic Church and it may be more appealing to you, but you not know unless you experienced it, Icons, Incense, Chanting, etc.

Even saints, have depression, mood swings, and other psychological conditions. I am sorry of all the suffering, yet we have to keep going. If we allow reason to have a strong role in our lives, then we can order it using our will power to conform more to a pattern that will bring us sanctity. I noticed that extreme emotions leave us drained and that a good feeling comes from being of service. So if we use whatever talent we have to do good, avoiding harm, we will be a positive service to God, and any difficulty in that will be our offering, and it can improve the mood. Also avoiding extremes of emotion (like anger, fear, sexual excitement) is stabilizing.

You wrote: “I would have to take the city bus alone and I live in a really unsafe city…”

Can you think of anybody that could go with you?
 
Hi,
I don’t know any Catholics, really, at home or at school, except on this site. My family is Catholic in name only. Though my mom would be thrilled if I asked her to go to church, it would be a huge, huge step for me to even bring it up.
I’ve heard interest from students here at my (nondenom private liberal arts) college who are interested in having Mass and confession at our chapel, and so hopefully we can get that going. There’s only a few of us, but I hope that a priest will be willing to come here. I figure that if I can’t bring myself to go out, I’ll bring Mass to me, haha. I don’t mean to be irreverent, it’s just a way of pushing myself. I’ll have no excuse if church is only a couple minutes’ walk away. But I am forcing myself to go tomorrow, I have an exam of conscience written out, and won’t allow anything to stop me from going. I know I need to do this.
I wanted to ask you, Vico, since you seem to know a lot about religious life, if you think that given my situations (money debt, mental difficulties, etc.) if I would even be considered a candidate for any order.
Today I have been thinking about my regrets. I have come to see that even though I loved him so very much, I still made mistakes and hurt him, and have hurt him very much by making him deal with the uncertainty I had, and he must be in so much pain, no wonder he won’t talk to me. I have so much regret and remorse about the mistakes I’ve made and I long to apologize to him, because I love him so much and I failed him miserably. I don’t care if anything happened after that, I just want to apologize. But I am not sure when or how to go about this.
I’m thinking of waiting until I come home in December and asking him if he’d be willing to talk. But I feel such urgency, I should just make do with the Internet and just email him, but I don’t want to do it so impersonally. I know I’m not ready yet but I want so very much to apologize and ask if there is any way we could try again. However! I know that even though I have made progress with myself, I am not ready for this and must try with all my might to stop myself. I will not contact him unless I know, because I refuse to hurt him any more by possibly (if he’s still interested) giving him false hope and then letting him down. I don’t know what to do or when to do it :confused::mad:
On the upside, my praying habits have gotten better. Yes, I’m behind in school, but I’ve been spending long times praying. Today I prayed the Rosary, spontaneously, and for the first time really meant it and really felt connected with it. I am feeling closer to God and like things are slowly clarifying. I just don’t want to lose my ex forever because of waiting too long. Though I know that’s irrelevant, it would never be too late. I just worry about him a lot and what he might be doing–he is such a lost soul 😦 and I want to help, though I don’t think I would be of much help… I am starting to really miss him, even though the thought of getting back together makes me anxious, I just want to talk to him…very much. :imsorry:
I almost don’t care what trials I might have. I love this person and I believe that that love is real, that it’s not leaving anytime soon, and if I could be with him again, I could take what I’ve learned and apply it to be a better partner.
But why would God put this in me if I’m meant to go somewhere else and maybe be with someone else?
The severe depression is really hard, but I want to improve my life as if it would draw him back to me. He’s the only thing that can motivate me, almost.
I just want him to know how sorry I am for hurting him, and how I wish I could fix it…
I am also just so sick of the CONSTANT back and forth of my emotions and feelings. I can never rely on myself and also have that little mean voice saying always, oh, you’re just rationalizing and you know what you should really do. I’ve realized that I have a big problem with not making decisions, as in, an inability to make them and I;m just so tired of always wondering if I’ve made the wrong choice and then I can;t even trust my feelings anyways because “the heart is deceitful above all things” and it just makes me feel hopeless. 😦
 
You said: "But why would God put this in me if I’m meant to go somewhere else and maybe be with someone else? "

The Catholic teaching is that due to the disordered state of desire that we have since the fall, we do not always choose correctly, because our feelings are not pure and our wills are weakened. The only certain thing is that God would intend the best which would have to be in accord with the Church. Considering how many annullments there have been in the recent past, I think people are not prepared for matrimony nowadays; either they do not understand the meaning of marriage consent or they have psychological conditions that would make them unsuitable.

Debt can delay entrance into a religious order.
fundforvocations.org/misc/Debt_Vocation_Killer.pdf

The Carmelites do evaluate psychological and psychiatric condition of applicants.
vocationcarmelites.ie/becomingjoin3.php

I don’t know the criteria and believe that it is not standardized across orders.
 
The vocation of Life, with thousands of years of Christian history, does it give any perspective to our portion?

we didn’t start the fire
it’s been always burning
since the worlds been turning

no we did not light it
and we cannot fight it

when we are gone
it will still go on

youtube.com/watch?v=xSu4pbhaOQY

Based upon music by Billy Joel (but not his lyrics).
 
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