Torn

[JB526]

Hello Everyone,
I need some honest advice and I am really just so confused and my heart is broken.
I began dating Bruce who is not Catholic as I am. He is Protestant. I loved him but know now I was never “head over heels in love”. I got pregnant and yes it was careless. I do not believe in abortion. Our beautiful son was born and a few months after we were married in Bruce’s church. We had a daughter about 2 years later.
Bruce is not a bad person but I realized soon enough that he is very selfish, he is a know it all, a master manipulator and he also suffered from alcoholism. He started about a year ago to suffer from bi-polar and was turning into this person I did not know. He started emotionally abusing me and becoming Jekyll and Hyde. Even his family noticed it. He lectures and points his finger in my face. He has never hurt the children. Our son was diagnosed with autism at 2.5 and things went from bad to worse. Bruce blamed everything on me. He never really accepted the autism and was in such denial. I had early intervention in and other services for our son and did all the leg work and I was criticized endlessly by Bruce. Then our daughter started to have milestone delays. When I started bringing her to specialists and had early intervention, he again blamed me. She is 18 months and still does not walk. He accused me of have Munchousan (sp?) syndrome by proxy. He has made remarks about my weight ( I am very thin due to stress ) and it just goes on and on. Now with that being said, Bruce can also be great. He is a good provider with his job and helping out around the house with chores etc. He will go grab a gallon of milk if we need it or let me take a nap if I need one etc. He does have money issues but is getting better. He likes to spend but is willing to listen to my advice when it comes to holding back. I left him in December because I had just had it with all his BS and he was totally off his rocker with his bi-polar stuff. He ended up going into rehab and hasn’t picked up a drink in 90 days which is great. He has also had his medications straightened out some more. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I believe everyone deserves a second chance. Now let me say that during our entire 3 years marriage I have never really been that attracted to him sexually. He is not my “type” at all but I think I did love him and we had a friendship. It was never a great love for me but I think it was for him. We have a lot of differences, and I mean a lot. We are two totally different people. I have been very attracted to someone else right now for a while and I feel it’s mutual but it’s the unspoken thing. Nothing physical has happened. Anyway I took Bruce back after a few weeks in January and he was great for a few weeks and slowly the same selfish, “dry drunk” attitude started to creep up and I really could tell this was not going to work. He had a huge heartfelt apology for everything he did and then he started to blame things on me again and it just seemed like we were back at square on. So I filed for divorce a week ago. But still I am so torn. Because after the hurtful and angry things were said between us, we both realize and know that neither of us can do this alone. I am a stay at home mom right now with a special needs child so I can’t work traditionally. I am in the process of getting my real estate license. He works full time and then has so much counseling and AA and is never around. I do not want to rent because I want to be in my own house. We have a beautiful home together. We were actually able to get along last week very well. I have been sleeping in my oldest daughters bed ( I have a 9 year old from a previous marriage ) and we have been doing our own thing. Bruce has been begging me to reconsider and at least just put things on hold for a few months because divorce is final. And I understand what he means in a sense because the best life we can give these kids is their home and their parents living together at least for now until I can get my feet on the ground. But at the same time, I am not in love with him at all and not attracted to him and my thoughts are elsewhere. I’m so torn.

 

[KellyPalmer]

I’m sorry you have been through so much with your husband. I see that you feel divorce is final but did you know that marriage is final too? Are you a practicing Catholic? Did you have a dispensation to marry outside of the church? Was your first marriage in the church?

 

[3DOCTORS]

Hello Everyone,
I need some honest advice and I am really just so confused and my heart is broken.
I began dating Bruce who is not Catholic as I am. He is Protestant. I loved him but know now I was never “head over heels in love”. I got pregnant and yes it was careless. I do not believe in abortion. Our beautiful son was born and a few months after we were married in Bruce’s church. We had a daughter about 2 years later.

Bruce is not a bad person but I realized soon enough that he is very selfish, he is a know it all, a master manipulator and he also suffered from alcoholism. He started about a year ago to suffer from bi-polar and was turning into this person I did not know. He started emotionally abusing me and becoming Jekyll and Hyde. Even his family noticed it. He lectures and points his finger in my face. He has never hurt the children.

Our son was diagnosed with autism at 2.5 and things went from bad to worse. Bruce blamed everything on me. He never really accepted the autism and was in such denial. I had early intervention in and other services for our son and did all the leg work and I was criticized endlessly by Bruce. Then our daughter started to have milestone delays. When I started bringing her to specialists and had early intervention, he again blamed me. She is 18 months and still does not walk. He accused me of have Munchousan (sp?) syndrome by proxy.

He has made remarks about my weight ( I am very thin due to stress ) and it just goes on and on. Now with that being said, Bruce can also be great. He is a good provider with his job and helping out around the house with chores etc. He will go grab a gallon of milk if we need it or let me take a nap if I need one etc. He does have money issues but is getting better. He likes to spend but is willing to listen to my advice when it comes to holding back.

I left him in December because I had just had it with all his BS and he was totally off his rocker with his bi-polar stuff. He ended up going into rehab and hasn’t picked up a drink in 90 days which is great. He has also had his medications straightened out some more. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I believe everyone deserves a second chance.

Now let me say that during our entire 3 years marriage I have never really been that attracted to him sexually. He is not my “type” at all but I think I did love him and we had a friendship. It was never a great love for me but I think it was for him. We have a lot of differences, and I mean a lot. We are two totally different people.

I have been very attracted to someone else right now for a while and I feel it’s mutual but it’s the unspoken thing. Nothing physical has happened.

Anyway I took Bruce back after a few weeks in January and he was great for a few weeks and slowly the same selfish, “dry drunk” attitude started to creep up and I really could tell this was not going to work. He had a huge heartfelt apology for everything he did and then he started to blame things on me again and it just seemed like we were back at square on. So I filed for divorce a week ago.

But still I am so torn. Because after the hurtful and angry things were said between us, we both realize and know that neither of us can do this alone. I am a stay at home mom right now with a special needs child so I can’t work traditionally. I am in the process of getting my real estate license. He works full time and then has so much counseling and AA and is never around. I do not want to rent because I want to be in my own house. We have a beautiful home together.

We were actually able to get along last week very well. I have been sleeping in my oldest daughters bed ( I have a 9 year old from a previous marriage ) and we have been doing our own thing. Bruce has been begging me to reconsider and at least just put things on hold for a few months because divorce is final. And I understand what he means in a sense because the best life we can give these kids is their home and their parents living together at least for now until I can get my feet on the ground. But at the same time, I am not in love with him at all and not attracted to him and my thoughts are elsewhere. I’m so torn.

Suggestion - try to break your post into paragraphs by topic about every 5-6 sentences or so, as shown. If you need to write it all out at first without pausing to edit, that’s perfectly okay, but then go back and add some white space. It’ll help people be able to reply to you better. Sorry to sound picky, it’s just a hopefully helpful suggestion. And there are several issues which each deserve to be addressed.

A couple of important places to start - do you still have a desire to practice your Catholic Faith, and if your marriage is salvageable, have it blessed in the Church? And have you let go of this emotional affair you were starting to have? If you want to try and have a good marriage with Bruce, there’s some baggage to let go of - yours and his.

 

[Blue_Goose]

Here is my recommendation. It is very direct because your situation is serious and urgent.

Get qualified counseling and get it now. If your husband will not go then go by yourself, but get counseling. If you are not comfortable with the counselor then find another, and another, until you are satisfied.

Whatever you do, do not get pregnant! It will make a bad situation worse by a factor of ten.

Whatever your attraction is to someone else forget it. You are not free to act on it and if you do you will regret it forever. It could cause you to loose your children in a divorce action. Attraction is not love and often equates to infatuation.

I will pray for you.

 

[Allegra]

Here is my recommendation. It is very direct because your situation is serious and urgent.

Get qualified counseling and get it now. If your husband will not go then go by yourself, but get counseling. If you are not comfortable with the counselor then find another, and another, until you are satisfied.

Whatever you do, do not get pregnant! It will make a bad situation worse by a factor of ten.

Whatever your attraction is to someone else forget it. You are not free to act on it and if you do you will regret it forever. It could cause you to loose your children in a divorce action. Attraction is not love and often equates to infatuation.

I will pray for you.

This is exactly right. Especially the last bit!

 

[Caroline723]

Hello Everyone,
I need some honest advice and I am really just so confused and my heart is broken.
I began dating Bruce who is not Catholic as I am. He is Protestant. I loved him but know now I was never “head over heels in love”. I got pregnant and yes it was careless. I do not believe in abortion. Our beautiful son was born and a few months after we were married in Bruce’s church. We had a daughter about 2 years later.
Bruce is not a bad person but I realized soon enough that he is very selfish, he is a know it all, a master manipulator and he also suffered from alcoholism. He started about a year ago to suffer from bi-polar and was turning into this person I did not know. He started emotionally abusing me and becoming Jekyll and Hyde. Even his family noticed it. He lectures and points his finger in my face. He has never hurt the children. Our son was diagnosed with autism at 2.5 and things went from bad to worse. Bruce blamed everything on me. He never really accepted the autism and was in such denial. I had early intervention in and other services for our son and did all the leg work and I was criticized endlessly by Bruce. Then our daughter started to have milestone delays. When I started bringing her to specialists and had early intervention, he again blamed me. She is 18 months and still does not walk. He accused me of have Munchousan (sp?) syndrome by proxy. He has made remarks about my weight ( I am very thin due to stress ) and it just goes on and on. Now with that being said, Bruce can also be great. He is a good provider with his job and helping out around the house with chores etc. He will go grab a gallon of milk if we need it or let me take a nap if I need one etc. He does have money issues but is getting better. He likes to spend but is willing to listen to my advice when it comes to holding back. I left him in December because I had just had it with all his BS and he was totally off his rocker with his bi-polar stuff. He ended up going into rehab and hasn’t picked up a drink in 90 days which is great. He has also had his medications straightened out some more. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I believe everyone deserves a second chance. Now let me say that during our entire 3 years marriage I have never really been that attracted to him sexually. He is not my “type” at all but I think I did love him and we had a friendship. It was never a great love for me but I think it was for him. We have a lot of differences, and I mean a lot. We are two totally different people. I have been very attracted to someone else right now for a while and I feel it’s mutual but it’s the unspoken thing. Nothing physical has happened. Anyway I took Bruce back after a few weeks in January and he was great for a few weeks and slowly the same selfish, “dry drunk” attitude started to creep up and I really could tell this was not going to work. He had a huge heartfelt apology for everything he did and then he started to blame things on me again and it just seemed like we were back at square on. So I filed for divorce a week ago. But still I am so torn. Because after the hurtful and angry things were said between us, we both realize and know that neither of us can do this alone. I am a stay at home mom right now with a special needs child so I can’t work traditionally. I am in the process of getting my real estate license. He works full time and then has so much counseling and AA and is never around. I do not want to rent because I want to be in my own house. We have a beautiful home together. We were actually able to get along last week very well. I have been sleeping in my oldest daughters bed ( I have a 9 year old from a previous marriage ) and we have been doing our own thing. Bruce has been begging me to reconsider and at least just put things on hold for a few months because divorce is final. And I understand what he means in a sense because the best life we can give these kids is their home and their parents living together at least for now until I can get my feet on the ground. But at the same time, I am not in love with him at all and not attracted to him and my thoughts are elsewhere. I’m so torn.

I am sympathetic to your situation, but I will also speak plainly. You repeatedly refer to your husband’s selfishness, but honestly, from what you write, you sound like a selfish person yourself. When you speak of being attracted to another man, it sounds like you are using your husband’s issues as an exit strategy to head for pastures that look greener from a distance.

I have heard that the pain of divorce is worse than that of losing a partner to death. Did you heal from your first divorce? Do you think you ever fully gave yourself in this second marriage? Did your first child suffer from that divorce as well? Is that really something you want to go through again, and put three children through?

Your husband doesn’t sound like an all-bad person, and you are not a suffering innocent in this situation either. There sounds like there is plenty of ground here for rebuilding the marriage. In a sense you don’t have much to lose by giving it an earnest attempt, and everything to gain. You speak of how your husband loves you more than you love him. Attraction isn’t love (thank goodness); love is an act. There are thousands of stories of people rebuilding solid love in their marriage.

 

[Xantippe]

“Is that really something you want to go through again, and put three children through?”

Yep.

The last thing these kids want to deal with is mommy dating. The guy you’re interested in doesn’t live with you or do chores, doesn’t have to deal with your special needs kids, doesn’t have to cope with step-kid drama and doesn’t have to deal with you when you’re torn between loyalty to your kids and loyalty to him. Of course he looks like Prince Charming now. You’ve had at least two lousy major relationships–what are the odds that you’ve gotten better at picking winners?

 

[aspirant]

A lot of the behavior described by the OP, especially if it represents a pattern, is emotional abuse. This is a very serious matter, as abusive behavior has a tendency to escalate.

Now with that being said, Bruce can also be great.

Most abusers can be. It’s part of the cycle.

Like this:

He had a huge heartfelt apology for everything he did and then he started to blame things on me again and it just seemed like we were back at square on.

This cyclical pattern of behavior is very common in abusive relationships.

If you are in the United States, please consider visiting the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline or calling 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). (If you reside in a different country, please look for a local equivalent.)