Toxic Family Relationships

[CatholicWife1]

Hi,
I hope this is the proper place to post this.
I am looking to receive advice about how to handle my family-of-origin issues. To start, I am married to a true Catholic gentleman. I love him immensely and he is truly one of God’s biggest gifts in my life, but our marriage has placed a roadblock in my relationship with my parents.

First, my parents both have mental illnesses. I never realized how severe it was until I got married though. I sought my parent’s approval the entire time I was on the journey to marriage. I even changed the location of the wedding and I changed the menu to make them happy. Yet, they were very disapproving and never even offered us congratulations.

After we were married, there was one day that went terribly wrong. We basically had a huge falling out and some very hurtful things were said and done of which they never apologized for (despite my apology to them). (There was also a long history of physical and phycological abuse from my childhood as well.) My mom, in particular, made me see how much she disapproved of me as an individual. To me, this translated as she didn’t love me. She screamed at me to leave after I tried to explain what hurt me. She just didn’t want to hear it.

After that day, the only time she has called me is about money and she acted like she was talking to a bank teller, not her daughter whom she hasn’t seen in years. I sent many letters trying to fix things, but my parents misinterpreted everything and it only made it worse. I don’t dare visit because I know they will lash out at me again. I am losing hope. I fear that their mental illnesses will prevent us from ever seeing each other again. I have been having chronic nightmares about this lately and have been feeling so much shame despite going to confession multiple times.

I love my parents so much, but I think they felt rejected when I got married instead of seeing they were gaining a son-in-law. I can’t let them go since I love them so much even though I do not feel loved by them. My husband has also been very hurt by this as well. I struggle to find the word to help him through this though. It has created a huge hole in my heart. We are going to go to couples therapy to tackle this together, but I have been struggling with my faith a lot. Its almost as though the deprivation of my parent’s love also makes me feel like God thinks the same way towards me. I can’t pray because I have lost hope. I still go to mass every week. But I want to have a deeper spiritual life and am struggling. I feel like I can’t truly live until the issues with my family are fixed.

 

[HoldingSpace]

Hi CatholicWife1’

I’m new to this forum, so you’re the first person I am posting to.
Your post really resonated with me because I also came from a severely dysfunctional family unit and had childhood experiences similar to what you have described.
When I was a young newlywed, I always felt something was amiss with my family of origin (Foo), but couldn’t put my finger on it. I began my journey to healing with the book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend. I remember thinking, “This isn’t very helpful. The descriptions and examples in this book are too simplified.” In reality, I was dealing with intense levels of psychological, mental, and spiritual abuse.The book wasn’t what I needed; yet I continued reading other works for self help, from authors like Melody Beattie and Janet Woititz, because I figured I was codependent. What I had was Complex PTSD.

Too make a long story short, I have pursued many hours of counseling to heal and I will probably be in some type of counseling for the rest of my life. But in all honesty, my healing truly started the day I said “no more” and went totally dark with my family (and other individuals who were toxic). I recognized, in those moments, that I can’t change another person; I can only change myself. And I wasn’t willing to be abused anymore; I deserved better.

So as I continued my journey toward healing, I came to learn that my Foo issues and the environment I grew up in made me have an insecure attachment style (which created horrible angst when it came to my relationships, especially with my family) and caused me to work very hard “to fix the problems”.

Ultimately, I had to let go and come to acceptance. I had to get through my head and my heart that I won’t ever be able to fix it (and recognized I didn’t cause it either). I was sore with grief because it was surely like a death. In many ways it was a death, not in the physical sense of my parents, other family members, and friends dying. But the death of my hopes, dreams, and desires of a healthy family and healthy friendships. At times on this journey, I did lose family members and friends. Early on, it compounded the PTSD, but as I worked with my counselors and on myself, I learned to let go and accept that each person in my life was on his or her own journey as well. Those family members and friends might not be ready to cross the bridge of healing, to do the hard work of facing their demons, stopping the negative self-talk, and rebuilding their self-esteem, but I could still proceed forward and it didn’t mean that I loved them any less, nor was I giving up on them.

Some family members and friends, I reconnected with, but still keep at a distance. And that’s ok. I don’t have to let everyone into my closest circle. Individual counseling with a good counselor combined with solid, positive experiences that redirect your energies and bolster your self-esteem are wonderful for healing the inner child and create a healthy adult who can cope with the past and live in the present free of fear and full of joy.

(PS: You’re very blessed to have a good man.)

 

[Irishmom2]

@HoldingSpace, for a first post, that was excellent!

 

[HoldingSpace]

@HoldingSpace, for a first post, that was excellent!

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[1ke]

I fear that their mental illnesses will prevent us from ever seeing each other again.

It probably will. If they both have mental illnesses, you cannot let them be around you or your family. It is very difficult, I know.

have been feeling so much shame despite going to confession multiple times.

You have nothing to confess. They are mentally ill. You cannot fix them. You need counseling/therapy to let go of the guilt you are carrying.

I love my parents so much, but I think they felt rejected when I got married instead of seeing they were gaining a son-in-law.

Stop trying to rationalize this. You are trying to come up with some reason they behave the way they do-- as if the things they do would make sense if only you could figure out what you are doing wrong. STOP. Get therapy. You aren’t doing anything wrong. They are sick and you can’t fix them.

I can’t let them go since I love them so much even though I do not feel loved by them.

When we marry, we leave our mother and father and cleave to our spouse. You may have to let them go for your own good and that of your marriage.

I feel like I can’t truly live until the issues with my family are fixed.

You can’t truly live until you work through the fact that the issues cannot be fixed and will never be fixed. You need a good therapist who helps people deal with parental mental illness.

You can do things for your parents to try to help them-- financially, with social workers, etc-- that do not involve you trying to fix what cannot be fixed and open yourself to emotional and physical abuse.

 

[Legend]

Whew! You really seem to have ‘bought into’ the idea that you’ll always be guilty of something ‘bad’ until your parents go through the motions of loving you, forgiving you, accepting you, etc. You really have to work on separating them from God, in your moral and mental view of yourself.

Your parents are not, NOT, God’s representatives to you on earth! But you really have to learn this for yourself, get a true understanding of your place as it relates to God, and believe, think, and act accordingly. You really should get individual, as well as couples counseling. You should really speak to your couples counselor and, as it has a strong spiritual aspect to it, to your priest, about finding the right adviser/counselor/therapist (you really do need help in all three areas). You shouldn’t stop your couples counseling, as your husband needs to understand what’s going on, and help with any part that is affecting him.

Please, speak to your priest and your counselor. This is more serious than anyone on an anonymous forum can handle. Hope you find a therapist and start working on your problems soon. God Bless!!!

 

[DarkLight]

Hi, I’m one of the resident forum individuals with toxic family.

Someone on this forum once told me, there’s no magic words that will make someone see, or make everything better. That’s hard, for a lot of us. It really is. We’re built to desire the love of our family, and not having it as a child seems to only increase that desire.

But it takes two to fix a relationship. You can’t supply the part of your parents - whether it is absent willfully or from mental illness. The most you can do is to take steps to encourage them to make the right choices.

I love my parents so much, but I think they felt rejected when I got married instead of seeing they were gaining a son-in-law.

Even if this is true, it does not put any obligations on you. It is part of raising children that they will go on, if everything goes well, to live separate adult lives. Sometimes parents want a situation where the child grows up, but doesn’t really separate - taking on adult responsibilities while still remaining under parental authority. But this is not a good situation for the child nor an appropriate desire for the parent.

But I want to have a deeper spiritual life and am struggling. I feel like I can’t truly live until the issues with my family are fixed.

In my experience, coming to terms with this is a little like losing someone. You mourn, not exactly because the person is gone, but for the relationship you want to have and that could have been. But you have to admit that it is gone.

Do see a therapist for yourself as well.

 

[Lee1]

I didn’t realise I had any problems with my parents until I was seventeen and then someone pointed out to me that there were things wrong. The more I thought about it the more I became unhappy and felt like a victim.

It took me several decades to work it through and actually it wasn’t any single person that helped me fix it, it was finally Catholicism and God who finally fixed it. I saw how my relationship with God was actually of paramount importance and part of that would need me to change, which of course included not only the ability to forgive others but the reason why I should forgive others, love.

Having a strong belief in God changes the locus of attention, my thoughts are then freed from being self centred as I try to attend to fidelity to my faith rather than negative thoughts about my past or others behaviour or motives etc. Naturally severe mental health problems may require medical intervention, that’s a different issue.

Belief.

Just a final thought, Therapy can be very helpful but it will only help with a limited range of things imo, belief in God is like the proverbial fishing rod, give someone a fish and they eat for a day, give them a rod and they eat everyday, or words to that effect. The solutions in our religion give us the basis for resolving most if not all problems, depending on how strong your belief is.

 

[Psalm30]

Even if this is true, it does not put any obligations on you. It is part of raising children that they will go on, if everything goes well, to live separate adult lives. Sometimes parents want a situation where the child grows up, but doesn’t really separate - taking on adult responsibilities while still remaining under parental authority. But this is not a good situation for the child nor an appropriate desire for the parent.

A billion likes for this. Please heed every word of it.

 

[DarkLight]

There’s a step before forgiveness, I think.

You cannot forgive while making excuses. At least for me, the process of healing could only even start once I acknowledged the wrong done to me. It can be a mistake to focus on forgiveness too early, because it turns back into simply excusing bad behavior. The cycle continues because the mistake in forgiveness allows the other party to continue to hurt and make demands with no consequences.

To say “I forgive you” is only possible after genuinely saying “this was wrong.”

 

[Lee1]

I’ve heard that before and it seems to suit some people, it didn’t work for me. I found disregarding my own judgmental opinions on what others had done or not done was far more useful. I didn’t find dwelling on how hurt I was to be very useful at all and still don’t.

I was insulted a couple of days ago and dismissed it in an instant because though I could second guess a lot of reasons why they behaved the way they did they are all assumptions and I can’t possibly know why they did it, in which case I can’t really judge them. They are on their own path, I am on mine, that’s it.

 

[DarkLight]

The problem I had was that pushing forgiveness meant I was still sacrificing my life trying to please my family. I was stuck in the mindset that it was my job and part of being a good Christian daughter meant not doing things that would upset or hurt my mother.

It doesn’t really matter why she did it, honestly. I’m more talking about the acknowledgement that it is right and proper for me to make adult decisions. It may be sad or upsetting if my parents don’t approve or find that hurtful. But that doesn’t make it my responsibility to fix.

In OP’s case, it is right for an adult called to marriage, to marry. It may be unfortunate if that upsets her family of origin, but that doesn’t mean she needs to apologize or make up for marrying. It’s on the parent to let go, not the child to win them over.

 

[Lee1]

I have lived in a toxic family and have had toxic relationships I understand. As soon as my relationship with God took precedence over all other relationships and a lot of daily concerns paled. God first, then others. I like to keep things simple because life can get very very complicated, but it needn’t, it’s often within our means to limit the degree of anxiety and worry we feel.
The Lord really can lighten your burdens.

You know often behaviour is motivated by fear. Sometimes I ask myself what is it I fear here? With God I need not fear.
Other behaviour can be motivated by the pay off. What pay off do I get by xyz, etc. These pay offs are usually ego centric, with God I need no ego centric behaviour.
Etc etc.

 

[CatholicWife1]

I understand, but with all respect, I do have a backbone since I cut my parents off after they said some awful things about how my husband had “changed” me. I told them to leave my husband alone and haven’t spoken or written to them since. To clairify, the hurt he currently feels is the loss of a relationship with my side of the family and the sadness of watching me go through it.

 

[DarkLight]

Maybe? It can be hard to separate appropriate care for yourself and, if married, your spouse and children, from simply being egotistical. Especially if you’re in a toxic family where the message is often, your needs are less important than other people’s wants.

Now, I compare it to giving up your only piece of bread to someone who has money and could get to the store. It is good to help others, but that doesn’t mean any demand must be met. It’s not a sin to give away your food to another, it can even be laudable at times, but that doesn’t mean you should in that case.

I think putting God first does help, but it requires some clarity as to what God actually wants of us. And it can be difficult, it was for me and I suspect it is for the OP, to separate that from how the parent behaves and what the parent wants of us. Especially if they lean heavily on telling you to honor your father and mother.

 

[Lee1]

It can be hard I agree but only if you let it be.

Knowing what God wants from us; firstly we are told He wants us to love Him with all our being. Secondly I believe we are nudged, we’re not alone and you’ve probably noticed how providential things seem to happen sometimes.

I won’t post anymore because I don’t want to give you the idea that I’m trying to argue my point and win something. I’m sure others have far better advice to give than me. Thank you though.

 

[CatholicWife1]

Thank you so much for your post! My husband says I have PTSD, though I just thought I was depressed and anxious. But, I think the flashbacks I am having and the nightmares do point towards PTSD. I will definitely get on starting therapy. And, as far as struggling to pray, I do still hear God’s still small voice sometimes which keeps me going. And I thank him daily for my husband. Again, thank you so much for this post. I can tell you understand this sort of situation.

 

[CatholicWife1]

I completely understand your point and thank you for your advice. I do think that God uses people, though, to help others and I think what most are saying here about therapy is that it will be God’s tool for helping me get emotionally healthy. Do please pray for me as well. I would truly appreciate it.

 

[DarkLight]

A good priest might help as well. It can make it easier to understand how to honor a parent who doesn’t act appropriately.

 

[Norseman82]

Just repeat to yourself over and over and over that you are not in the wrong, your parents are.

One other question: do you and your husband have children yet? Do you have siblings that have children? Do your parents treat your siblings the same way they treat you? I guess the question is whether your parents are singling you out or if your siblings are in the same boat as you. If you have no siblings, your getting married can represent a loss of their object of abuse.